im 25, decent looking, creative, and nice. ive got a hell of a temper and every now and then start fights with complete strangers. just recently
a semi truck ran me off the road after pushing me across three lanes of traffic, pulled in front of me then braked for flicking him off. but HE started it! he was
swerving across two lanes trying to fit the lid on a big gulp.
i hate racism. i hate domestic violence. i hate rape. i hate hurting other people's feelings. i hate violation of rights and happiness. i hate war.
i love God. i love my family. i love my friends. i love kindness. i love happiness. i love laughing. i love kitties.
today i'm
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
is this a scene from some middle eastern country in turmoil? no! it's your local university. say cheese!!
i had nothing better to do @2:44 AM
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
my mom has called me 7 times in less than 24 hours. she keeps making me cry. 4 of her calls i ignored and didnt even pick up. she makes me feel like such a failure. like i cant make my own decisions, get my business started, or even behave. she leaves me feeling retarded. but i guess i am anyway. i dont even feel like doing anything anymore. i had nothing better to do @5:25 PM
Test Results: from datability to gayness, the results are in i had nothing better to do @2:06 AM
Sunday, November 24, 2002
tonight, there are police in riot gear, dumsters on fire, light poles in the street, police cussing at anyone walking in the streets to get out, large amounts of pepper spray being dispersed by the police so that people are prevented from going near their homes, and all this for a STUPID FOOTBAL GAME. big deal, people! college kids can be so stupid. i wasnt, but then again i wasnt some stupid rich kid whose mommy and daddy put them trhough school and bought them a car and gave them allowances so they can spend it on drugs and alcohol. i worked for my education and appreciated it. it was never a given that i would go to college and i was up many nights crying and wondering how working 3 part time jobs 7 days a week would pay for my fees. screw those kids. they're all so spoiled and have no idea what they've been given. they act like such children. your school wins a football game so you turn cars that arent your own over and set property on fire? i hope they get arrested. and i dont care who gets hit by the police firing their bean bag guns or whatever, maybe ya'll should be in bed at 4am and not drunken out on the streets throwing stuff. im ashamed to admit on this day that i got my degree from that university. i had nothing better to do @3:48 AM
Saturday, November 23, 2002
whoo-hoo! connections! i met a guy today who will call me on monday about meeting the two owners of this sweet shop in the busiest shopping area downtown and is giving me the number of a guy that sells beads all over europe. AND he's getting me in contact with two other shops in other cities that would love my stuff. he and the girl that were working there gushed over my work and there was even this guy that owns a shop in Germany there and he was like, "this is really good jewelry. the colors, the designs... even this one, just look at the ethnic feel of it." im so happy. i prayed that tonight would go well before i toted off to sell my ass tonight. im getting to work right now on more pieces. i love when i get motivated from people's positive feedback. in this moment i feel like a real designer. i had nothing better to do @7:54 PM
last week, on two separate occasions, randall said i was "disturbingly perverted" and that i "think about sex probably even more than [him]" i had nothing better to do @2:35 AM
day 11 of feeling sick.
i was with friends all day cause meagan came over then rachel called cause she was stranded downtown. she only wanted the bus schedule but i cuoldnt let a pregnant girl ride public transportation, i know how dangerous it can be. so we picked her up and all hung out at randall's til her husband came to get her. then i borrowed some $$$ from randall and went out to run errands. i got some cards to contact buyers first thing in the morning and spoke with a man that has his own company downtown. turns out he's a christian and used to have a band that had #1 singles. he gave us a free cd which was awesome and some tips since both my friend and i are trying to start our own businesses. there are so many gay shops downtown run by men that only like a fourth of the businesses can even carry my jewelry anyway. i get so disappointed when a buyer wont even look at my stuff and says something stupid like, "we're set for the year" or "we only buy our accessories from Victoria's Secret" these stupid shops need to see that people would much rather buy from a local artist than some cheap piece from a catalog that can be ordered in the thousands. it was a tacky store anyway. *pouts* and how can you not rotate your inventory?!
like every month and a half i fall in love again with randall. i always love him but to be IN love is different. i think about him and how wonderful he is and i call him at work to tell him that. he's such an awesome person and i think of alll the things i can do like tickle his back, wash the dishes (not something either one of us does w/o being bribed), or just hug and kiss him as soon as he walks in the door. i might stay here and wait for him instead of going to Washington. sometimes i feel so used cause im just here putting thigns on hold to wait for an answer but other times i see how much he means to me and i know that i'll never find another person like him and so im ok with being here living in my car. he likes tattoos and piercings, loves God, has an active faith, loves to travel, shares my views on child raising, wants to speak spanish, likes to sew, loves art, is so caring and compassionate, and there's just so much more. i cant imagine ever finding all these things again in another man. there are a few thigns i dont like though. his limited diet. he eats, mac & cheese, pizza, cheese ravioli, noodles, 3-ways, and SOME cereals. seriously, that's it. i MISS food. every now and then i'll just cook for myself or go out with his best friend. i wish he loved to clean. man id be set with a man that loved to clean. i wish he could give birth- not something im looking forward to for myself. i wish he would put just a LITTLE bit aside each month into a savings account. this is something we would definately have to talk about if we got married. this includes impulse buys which id want a set allowance for so he wouldnt get like a motorcycle, 16 DVD's and a new tattoo all within like 2 months. he's never bought me jewelry, this will have to change. um... that's about it. we get along really well and have talked about EVERYTHING already. we've talked about marriage, children, homes, God, politics, education, finances.... thigns that people that are married NOW are just getting to. we talked about me making money, him raising our children, breast feeding, discipline, their schooling, prayer.... i think if he was mature enough we'd make like the best married couple. plus, we'd have sex like 10 times a day. i cant wait. i had nothing better to do @12:24 AM
Thursday, November 21, 2002
oh my goodness. so i get up early today and run out east for a fitting. i meet the shop owner, greet the customer and her daughter while adjusting the bracelet and after about 45 min i go back to my car, look in my rearview mirror and see... boogers!! noooooooo! i always do a check: nose, teeth, eyes, hair before going somewhere but i didnt this morning. then at a redlight my boobie is itchy so i reach into my sweater and im getting it and it's a big one since ive got a wool sweater so my hand is up there for a while. then i look right and this man in a truck is like up against his window STARING. i also decided that i should a) take the crosses down from my rearview mirror or b) stop flicking off/ cussing at the morons on the road. it's just not helping either on of us.
then after meeting with the health insurance man i got randall up to take me to the mall cause it was BRA DAY!! yeah!! so now ive got a pretty bra cause i lost like 3 and even though i rarely wear them i like having them. my size doesnt exist though. it's an in between size so i either go up or down when buying which i hate cause it makes me feel like i'll be struggling to breathe in it or it'll be too big and look stupid. today im gonna make a necklace and learn to strip. i had nothing better to do @5:25 PM
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
note to self and boyfriend:
DO NOT LEAVE THE KEYS IN THE DOOR
after frantically searching for them cause randall was gonna be late to work, we found them in the door... AGAIN. last time the mailman knocked on the door to let us know. i hope we never get a serial killer at the door. i hope it's like the Cleaning Fairy. i would settle for a Cake Fairy or better yet a Boob Fairy. the men upstairs are too loud and i can smell their smoke even. im gonna get those insurance forms today. i had nothing better to do @4:37 PM
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
im all worked up now. some stupid girl threatened my friend cause she was chatting with her boyfriend, "if you'd like to see thanksgiving, i'd suggest backing off Aaron", and my friend was really upset and i dont think she even said anything back so i took care of it. my friend's the nicest girl in the world who lives 10 states away from him anyway and i hate that some stupid high school girlfriend went after her like that. if i was her, id be threatening my BOYFRIEND for chatting with all these girls in the FIRST PLACE if i thought something was up. hellooooo, guys can have friends, it's not like they're in the middle of the passionate throes of cyber sex. i told her how it was while she was like, " ok then stop talking to me." " you're still talking to me", "then stop talking to me" like what my little sisters did when they were 10 oh, then she threatened to "make strangulation legal". oh no!! seriously!! IM SO SCARED!! AHHHHHHH!! she's gonna make strangulation LEGAL! OH MY GOODNESS!!
hahahahahahhahaha!!! if you're this stupid girl i just talked to who lives in TX and whose boyfriend is Aaron, girl i was never after your man like you accused me of being. im just a friend of a girl you threatened. ok? so how about you take all that energy you needed to make those lame ass threats and beat his? oh, and thanks for calling me a high school drop out. whenever you wanna come up, i'll show you my DEGREE from the second largest UNIVERSITY in the US. and while we're at it maybe even my Dean's List honors. now good luck getting your high school diploma and keeping your straying boy, aaron. like he was ever worth all this. i had nothing better to do @11:55 PM
im this horrible beast of temptation and manipulation. what a bad person i am.
i know the closer you are to God the farther away you realize you are, but i think im worse than most people find themselves to be. and i know there is no one above me and no one below me but im not sure what sense that is to be in cause i cant imagine a more sinful or hurtful person. im not saying these things out of a sick person's delirium, the fever has been gone for days now but out of this blindess that has been cured so that i may really see what it is i do. i think ive slipped so far away from who i was when i actually did stuff like go to school, work, lead in church... this idle time has stalled me in every sense. i think if anyone knew all i did id be completely alone. i lack discipline in every area and cant stand not having some dominant position. im afraid of not having control in the way things go yet i seek this power in all the wrong ways. i should leave the people around me alone and not bother them anymore. they would suddenly realize a burden lifted from their lives i think. i had nothing better to do @9:04 PM
Monday, November 18, 2002
i just looked over my shoulder and there's an orange plastic pumpkin staring at me. he's smiling. that's really weird.
so in today's sickness: my head hurts, my neck and shoulders are really tight and im nauseous. adding to my discomfort would be reoccurring bouts of hiccups. when you already want to puke and then this unexpected force from within propels itself outward as happens with a hiccup, you experience a most unpleasant sensation. other than that im trying to figure out what to do. i hate it here. this is the worst state in the 50 and i dont even have a "home" here. the only reason im here is randall cause im waiting for him til he knows what he wants. but it's wrong to live together so- do i move to WA? get my own apt meaning i need a better suorce of income and i'll be stuck for at least 6 mo? go to NC to live with my parents? continue to live with him til he makes up his friggin mind? so many choices. i hate not being able to move foward. if i knew randall and i wouldnt be together id be gone by now but i dont think he'll know what he wants for a long time. i really hate it here. i think i might excercise. i had nothing better to do @10:17 PM
i still have the cough of death. i missed a show at an art gallery and church because i was in bed hacking my brains out and having weird dreams. if im still sick by the end of the day tomorrow, im finding a free clinic to go to and see why ive been sick for a whole week. free clinics, yes, the epitemy of homlessness. i saw femme fatale tonight and it made me miss being skinny. that hot chick with the diamond thing is like exactly what i looked like cept she had stick legs and no butt and i've got one of those. oh yeah.
i added five thigns to my christmas list and they're all books i saw at barnes and noble. i love art. id be making something right now had i not kicked over half my beads last night then threw the other half in anger. i then started crying which sounded horrendous since im sick. then my nose started bleeding again. im such a mess when im sick. i thought of just using my sister's insurance cause i could do that so easily however insurance fraud may be a felony. when you think of it, i bet a lot of people in prison didnt think what they were doing was so bad. the Dr is gonna get paid anyway and so will the insurance. it doesnt sound like such a big deal however in two days i'll be sitting in a folding chair next to the guy on the street rather than a couch in a nice office.
im rambling. maybe i should start picking up the 50 million beads scattered across randall's living room floor and separating them by color. i had nothing better to do @2:39 AM
Saturday, November 16, 2002
last night i dreamt that michele pfifer wanted to kiss me but it was like her first time kissing a girl. i think i also had a husband in my dream. my dreams are getting weird.
im still really sick so i dont think we're going to the concert tonight and we postponed dinner with another couple. im doing the thing where it takes like 8 sexonds just to clear your throat and it sounds really nasty. ive got to get more pieces done for the show tomorow. i hope im not sick for it i had nothing better to do @4:27 PM
i loooove this one. the flower is made of of shell and is like 3-4 inches across. i like big necklaces. and the supoprt is thin but flexible and strong so it fits any neck as a choker. i should buy a domain so i can sell stuff online which would be a lot easier and fun than going to shows and sitting on my butt for 7 hours straight.
i had nothing better to do @4:11 AM
so far tonight i've made 3 or 4 pieces. here is me and randall walking into target using up the last of the film. i love that necklace im wearing. it's this huge Jade piece with glass. i have to sell it on sunday, though. i gots bills to pay. bye bye really cool Asian dragon jade necklace. i wear every thing i sell to make parting just a bit easier and to know that it's strong enough for everyday use.
i had nothing better to do @3:31 AM
here is an example of my work. it's not one of my more elaborate pieces but it's one that i really like cause of the color.
i did a lot today including meeting someone that i dreaded yet at the same time was super curious about. it's such a long story. but have you ever met the girl that's flirted with your boyfriend and has no idea you're his girl? i didnt like, threaten her or anything though. we talked, she really wanted to hang out, and oh yeah, i said i was his fiance. lied? oh yes, but what you you rather me do: lie or pee on randall? im marking my territory, baby. i had nothing better to do @2:11 AM
Friday, November 15, 2002
ew! when i cough these booger things come in my mouth. oh i hate being sick. i sound like an 80 yr old male smoker. if smokers live that long
so, i dreamt about britney spears last night which is funnie since ive often considered her to be the evil mega b*tch. i think she saw my boob too cause i was wearing this huge tank top and i remember thinking, oh man, i think my boob is showing. it was a very different dream. i had nothing better to do @11:36 AM
Thursday, November 14, 2002
robitussin is like the best stuff ever. you drink it and like it's all ok.
so im no longer in tons of pain and agony since finding this wonder drug, just really tired and slow. im also tons better since taking a shower this morning at like 1am since i hadnt showered since monday. ew. i have a lot of work to do though cause my weekend is already booked and i have a show and an order coming up. i like saying that. it makes me feel all professional. i havent done my Look Great Naked: Thighs DVD in like 3 weeks so i should do that. had i kept up with it instead of like doing it twice and then quitting, id look great naked by now. that pisses me off. instead im like wearing my boyfriend's pants cause i dont have look great naked thighs or even fit into your own pants thighs. i had nothing better to do @2:19 PM
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
now my temp is 101.0 im not crying anymore. just humming; i wish someone i knew would call or come over, but it's so late already. i now wish i had health insurance so i could whine to a Dr. as i was falling asleep last night randall said, "i think we're in love" cause there's a difference between being in love and loving someone but i guess we have both. man my back hurts. and my eyes are hot. and my throat hurts. and im so tired. this morning all i had to eat were vitamins and the garlic one got stuck in my swollen throat and the thin coating dissolved and then i exhaled real hard and the garlic powder came out my nose. it was gross. i kept burping garlic and randall said he could smell it from a few feet away. stupid things always happen to me. i wish i had a rocking chair and someone to rock me. i had nothing better to do @10:35 PM
i feel so sick. my temp is 100.1 now. i miss my mom. i wish she was here to rub my back and make me tea. but she's not here anymore and she's too far away and now i cant stop crying. i had nothing better to do @9:28 PM
im a wuss when im sick. im 99.9 degrees F. poor me. im pouting
i had nothing better to do @5:36 PM
im sick. im all tired and owie. yucky. in my dream i was feeding a dead kitten to some animal and my sis kept getting mad and there were weird weeds everywhere. then i was this girl in some choir that liked another girl that liked me but in the end she went with the popular girls cause she was scared of not being liked by them and i got mad and drove really fast to this catholic school at night and went into a huge room, found a corner and cried and prayed there. then this other girl that was black came in to comfort me. and my sis in the army was there and she and my aunt went to the mall at 4am to get clothes with her discount in a go kart but they came back cause they couldnt get in. then randall had his hand on my head and said, "it's you, i choose you" but when i woke up i told randall i had a bad dream about him. weird
ok, ive got a show on sunday and an order due on fri. time to work i had nothing better to do @2:25 PM
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
two of the cutest guys i know are my tattoo artist and my piercer. im so lucky. the pic of the tattoo artist is actually in the about me section under tattoos, then click on "a man".
my throat hurts. im sick. not good. i just finsihed my catalog which is darned good for me but it could still be better. i want this to be like, "the man" good. corporate america good. thieves-of-individuality good.
i like making myself laugh. im going through pics to see what i shuold scan and i found some of me in a paper gown at the gyno's office. i've got like the big thumbs up going on. i guess cause im about to "get lucky" haha!! whatever.
these are ones that i like to look at. i think im funnie. im glad i have fun and im not serious like people that have heartattacks and jobs.
i had nothing better to do @11:24 PM
this is the best picture ever. we passed this truck sunday night going to the concert and i took it as we passed. i think my flash scared the driver but i had to have it.
i had nothing better to do @6:50 PM
im wearing my stretchy yoga pants cause i couldnt get the button on my jeans. big girl.
im getting frustrated. over the weekend i talked to like 3 girls who are all engaged and are like, "are you guys getting married?!" no. and others are like, "why dont you just live with him? you shouldnt sleep in your car" "why dont you get married?" "are you guys engaged yet?" people are really getting to me and im starting to just not want marriage at all. screw that. it's starting to not make sense to wait so long for someone who at times doesnt even know if he wants to date you.
im making a drop off of orders today and then i need to run to the bank and one hour photo but randall decided to go last min so he's in the shower. i have to get my catalog together soon.
The Ring is still in my head. yesterday when randall was at work it took almost and hour to go into the other room cause there was no light in there and i was putting it off. right before i go to sleep it's what i think of. when i see a tv or monitor its what i think of. when i see a sugar maple or a red bush it's what i think of. (good thing there are lots here) i dont know if satisfying my curiosity about the plot was worth this. every shadow or 4 ft thing makes me jump. its starting to really suck. i had nothing better to do @11:45 AM
Monday, November 11, 2002
just got back from PA from a concert in lancaster. the tolls out there are crazy. we quickly ran out of cash and i had to write a check to the guy for like 3 bucks. going to another concert tomorrow night. slept half naked in my car at a gas station. it was a nice weekend. i had nothing better to do @2:20 PM
Saturday, November 09, 2002
how i know im allergic to people:
after using public toilets, the backs of my thighs are itchy. i had nothing better to do @1:42 AM
oh my goodness. The Ring is such a scary movie. i am not sleeping alone tonight. seriously. i had nothing better to do @12:56 AM
