im 25, decent looking, creative, and nice. ive got a hell of a temper and every now and then start fights with complete strangers. just recently
a semi truck ran me off the road after pushing me across three lanes of traffic, pulled in front of me then braked for flicking him off. but HE started it! he was
swerving across two lanes trying to fit the lid on a big gulp.
i hate racism. i hate domestic violence. i hate rape. i hate hurting other people's feelings. i hate violation of rights and happiness. i hate war.
i love God. i love my family. i love my friends. i love kindness. i love happiness. i love laughing. i love kitties.
today i'm
Thursday, October 31, 2002
men are pigs
this is my care package to my sister who recently found out that boys suck, especially ex-boyfriends:
purple cami top
furry, purple bear pez
pez refills
tea
pretty pink nail polish
bag of Jelly Belly's
candy corn
hot tamales
sweet ass satin cd holder thing
butterfly necklace
purple glass votive candle holder
4 ocean breeze votive candles
mini purple photo album
a burned copy of my new cd The Donnas: spend the night
it's all in a pretty purple gift bag with a cool card. if i have time im making white chunk macademia nut cookies and tortillas (mmmm, so much better than store bought) before i take it over tomorrow. getting over boyfriends sucks but i think this gift bag will help her get back to better over the weekend.
oh, i finally picked my nose stud out. not all the way, though, so im gonna get some pliers and bend it back in. and i have a hickey. im not the one that found though, my friend did as we were filming some scenes for a bridal shower thing. i like making out. i had nothing better to do @10:08 PM
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
i keep wanting to pick my nose!! im not used to the stud being in my nostril yet. of course, had i not had the habit of picking my nose BEFORE it was pierced im sure i wouldnt have the big urge to pick it out.
one of my good friends is the maid of honor at randall's best friend's wedding so i get to put in ideas which rocks cause i can sway the guys away from strippers (GRRRRR!!) and put in cool ideas for the girls. for example, the girls definately arent having a stripper but ive convinced randall to be their stripper and to be all funnie about it. he'll like have pink underwear (which arent coming off) and be putting his "boobs" in front of her. it'll just be for laughs. not that randall isnt a sexy, sexy man.
i think i will definately get a part time job especially now that im working with metals. i want a smelding thingy. i think thats the right word. of course, they must be ok with piercings (visable: rook, tongue, nostril) and tattoos (visable: arm, neck). and i dont want a strict dress code. if i had a business id SO hire me. i dont steal, im nice, im pretty =) , i have a college degree, all i want is $7/hr, and im so freakin talented like you wouldnt believe. however, all these places arent hiring me!! screw companies that refuse me cause im "over-qualified"!! how is that a bad thing?!?!?! if you're hiring someone to work drive-through at a coffee place, you're gonna have to get real and realize you're not gonna get someone who's all about that job. yeah, im not all about coffee and "the team" but i'll work hard and i never call off. im pumped up. tomorrow im calling everyone thta didnt call me back. all those companies that didnt call ME, the bestest worker ever to be a part of there crappy team. Jo-ann, Starbucks, Aladdin's- YOU guys are just the loser teams afraid to pick me, the fastest runner cause you're scared of the popular kids. Grrrrrrr!!!
ooops, time to make supper. i had nothing better to do @7:44 PM
i keep having bad dreams about randall. whenever i did i used to wake up mad at him and it would take a couple hours before i wasnt mad at him anymore. but then i start wondering if i should pay attention to my dreams as some omen. or it could just be that we had a fight the other day.
everyone is depressed lately. i had nothing better to do @1:52 PM
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
im getting so friggin fat. im wearing randall's pants again. i had an extremely bad night. i have no job and no place to live again. bills are coming back around and i cant even put my own pants on. one girl i was staying with is moving this weekend and i think i pissed her off on sunday. another is far along in a pregnancy. im seriously thinking of making the 10 hour drive to N.C. to be with my parents. im a really bad girlfriend i think. today is poopy. im very very poor. not just as in i dont own anything, but as in i have DEBT. that is the only permanent thing right now. and God. i dont think i like my friends much and im not honest with them anyway. boyfriends are one of the least permantent things in a girl's life. i have no home, not even an apt. the car i carry my clothes around in is not mine. belongs to a bank. and today, the day i go back to sleeping in my car and people's couches i'll prolly start my freakin period. that's prolly another reason im really fleshy lately. oh, and so damned emotional. after trying like 3 or 4 things my old Dr just put me on birth control so i wouldnt be all crazy every month but since i have no health insurance i have no medicine. so i was seriously up to 6am last night crying. not just crying, but i even went out and did something dangerous.
im seriously praying i win $5000 in the next few days. randall said God doesnt work that way, though and that i need to get myself out of my own debt. but i know God can do it and i think it's a possibility. i had nothing better to do @6:00 PM
Monday, October 28, 2002
"Please consider seeing me in a few weeks. It would hurt me very badly to be driving so close to you and not be able to see you one last time."
we broke up like 3-4 years ago. a few weeks ago he said he still loved me. i havent answered his past two e-mails cause i dont know what to say yet. it would be beyond freaky to see him and i dont want randall to feel weird but it would be more weird for randall if he came with me. i think im just gonna tell him i wont see him. our time has already passed and blah blah blah. my other ex called two days ago and wanted to meet up at a party yesterday but i bailed. the one in SC is the only one that hasnt contacted me in a while. boys are weird. the break your precious little heart and then chase after you for years to come. they should have realized i was the bestest girlfriend ever when they considered breaking up.
i gotta pee i had nothing better to do @11:02 PM
i've been wearing randall's pants. at first i thought maybe all mine shrunk, but he confirmed im bigger. it might be all the half and half ive been drinking. i like my pierced nose. twice in the middle of the night i found myself rubbing my face on the pillow though and that hurt. otherwise i dont feel any pain and sometimes it's kinda like having a booger. i've reached in twice but stopped myself. hee-hee. i had nothing better to do @1:21 PM
Thursday, October 24, 2002
my grandfather is a jerk. he's cruel, insensitive, and mean. his house is falling apart, with broken windows, a gas leak, dead rats, and feces everywhere. he keeps his wife in this. she's dying of cancer. grandma has 2 months to live. she wanted to stay in OK to see her kids, grandkids, greatgrandkids but he made her go back home to TX despite her wishes and his two sons fighting for her to stay longer. she's dying and he refuses to give her these small pleasures. he says bad things about mexican women. he stole thousands of dollars from my dad that he had saved for college years ago. he never calls on birthdays. he didnt acknolwedge my graduation, the first in the family, until my dad yelled at him. he never calls on christmas. he always called his favorite grandchild. he had a favorite grandchild. he yelled at a 7 yrd old child when he had to repeat his order when i was with him at a baseball game. the first time i had seen him in years and within minutes i saw the hate he stood for. the mother came out and shielded the child from my grandfather apologizing repeatedly. i was ashamed to have been next to him. this man is no good. i want to hit him. i want to tell him all the things that are wrong with him. i want to tell him i once cried because i didnt understand why he didnt love me. i want to tell him i dont care if he loves me anymore. i want to tell him i have more memories of my grandfather that died 13 years than i do of him. when i think of him a ball of hate and disgust forms within my chest and i desperately wish i had his number so i could call and tell him these things. i wish i could spit in his face. he's an awful, horrible man. he beat his children with wire hangers. he threatned us with his leather belts. he never took care of us. he told an ex boyfriend of mine that i needed to go to "mexican school" so i could learn to cook and clean. i hate him. i feel sorry for him. he's a hard man. i dont know how i will ever face him again without telling him these things. i dont think he should exist. i wish i had his number. i wish he knew these things. i wish he would change. i've had no grandfather since Raul Flores died in 1989. i had nothing better to do @6:29 PM
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
last night i dreamt about these headless toys that were after me and that randall was watching porn downstairs in the house i lived in when i was in VA. i had nothing better to do @4:02 PM
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
i havent showered since sunday and i havent washed my hair since saturday. im not even dressed, im just carrying a blanket around cause it's cold. my head hurts cause i had a whole box of Andes mints yesterday and half a bottle of Bacon Ranch dressing. my back hurts, too. and i have two bruises on my booty but im not sure how they got there. maybe it's from sitting in front of the tv so much. poopy day. my head hurts.
i wish i could cook cause i want meatballs; that or a steak. i miss my mom and real food. all i ever have is pizza or fast food now. oh, and canned food. last night a girl did our dishes that had been here for a month. we cant even clean. she's coming once a week for three weeks to do them and im making her necklace for a Halloween party in exchange. maybe there's a jar of spaghetti sauce with meat that my mom gave me before she left. im just really craving real meat and not just these chicken nuggets. i had nothing better to do @5:49 PM
Monday, October 21, 2002
all the girl friends ive ever had with the exception of like 2 never talked taked about sex, guys, or anything that was "uncouth" and that's why i thought girls were dumb and prissy. burping, peeing in the shower, and tattoos were just too gross to even bring up and i hated like censoring myself and my beliefs so i just started hanging around guys. the problem there is the whole attraction of the opposite sex thing. but last night i actually hung out with two girls and had fun, wheee!! i had nothing better to do @2:25 PM
Sunday, October 20, 2002
yesterday was my first time ever (that i actually remember) at a laundromat and it was so much fun! the wheeled carts are fun to ride, there's a tv and magazines, a Subway, and you can even find stuff. there's was this cool underwear there but it was a Lg. so i couldnt take them. then i bought two cami tops, and a Chai. we took a wee bit of vodka then watched Scooby Doo. it was really funnie. i just bought a workout DVD cause my pants are getting too tight and i cant afford new ones. it's Look Great Naked thighs. heehee. i havent done it yet though. im thinking of eating a burrito and canned peaches instead. THIS would be why i've gained so much weight since ive been with randall. i always have food, i never have to walk, and im not "looking". im not fat. sheesh i barely weigh 120 and that's only sometimes. it's more that im slowly aquiring the gelatinous movements of Jello. seriously.
so i bought the cutest excercise outfit and a DVD but i have yet to use them.
i had nothing better to do @4:46 PM
Friday, October 18, 2002
randall just threw a plastic fork at me and it stabbed my head, ow!!! im impaled!! no! i caught two plates and only broke one though. i had nothing better to do @2:36 AM
dont you love when your boyfriend/girlfriend's dad says stuff about you to their child when you're not around? about how you're too domineering or not considerate enough? or how they need to take the lead so you're not so in control? if your child knew what they wanted, maybe i wouldnt be in the lead all the time!! if you didnt confuse him and tell him to leave all his options open maybe he wouldnt be afraid to COMMIT. you expect me to kneel by his side and support him to get his degree. he doesnt know what he wants to study and it's been 4 years since high school. oh, and you know what else? NO ONE HELD MY HAND THROUGH COLLEGE. he's a big boy now. just because ive already got my degree is not reason enough for me to drop my life and wait for him to get his. when he makes up his mind, good. i'll give him support, but im not his bloody wife or mama. grrr....that has been getting to me all day! every time he sees his dad we end up fighting and he comes back with all these doubts about me. im dating you, NOT YOUR DAD!
i hope neither of them reads this, er
i have bruises on my back. they are circle bruises. in the outlines of teeth. hee-hee. i had nothing better to do @2:20 AM
Thursday, October 17, 2002
in my dream i was looking in a mirror fixing my hair. i put a garland of pink flowers in my hair and i was really pretty. as i looked in the mirror i remembered that i had recently given in to a bad habit. i left the trailer then walked into this restaurant where everyone was mexican. my family was there and everyone was applauding as i walked to the other end of it. they were making some announcement that i was the prettiest or something like that and there was mariachi music. as i made it to the back i saw my grandmother's grandmother and my dying grandma. there was a fly that wouldnt leave her.
i had nothing better to do @12:02 PM
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
i broke two knives on the pumpkin before i finished. i did an awesome butterfly and a weird shaped hole before the cheap blades snapped off. it's still on the floor on newspaper with its guts spilled over. it's been there since sunday. ew. i had nothing better to do @4:12 PM
had a good day today. got three business cards from a friend who was in Cinci and a local shop here wants me to bring in more of my stuff by the end of the week. im also in another show which will be in two weeks and i should DEFINATELY make some hard, on-location cash there. im excited. the shop owner gave me a lot of helpful hints about what sells and small changes that could bring in even more money. i went to my storage unit afterward to get some winter sweaters and shoes but broke an angel snowglobe. then i had my fave ice cream (cinnamon) took my friend home and met up with another friend. we went out for coffee (steamer and a chai cider) and played a game there. the guy was really into me i guess; he was nice. then we came back to the apt and hung out til 1:30am. i made tacos for dinner, mmmmm.
i think a straight girl is more likely to dream of a girl than a straight guy of a guy. but my dreams are much weirder than that. im about to list my most recent/remembered "sex dreams". i dont know why, they just came up in a convo today.
1-rose mcgowan (?) on this round bed with women all around her but she was a tease and kept squirming away so i got pissed and left.
2-a threesome with a hot 23 yr old monk and this 18 yr old girl.
3-a foursome with three other guys (i think i dreamt this twice)
4-in the middle of a dream i realized it was a dream and i could do whatever i wanted so i proceeded to have sex with the fridge.
that's all i can think of right now. i dont ever really dream of people i know and when i do it's not like that kind of dream. i used to dream about people i worked with a lot which was weird... i always felt stupid when i saw them the next day like they knew.
i had nothing better to do @2:13 AM
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to run away from here and not tell anyone. while randall's at work one day i could put everything into my car, use his gas card to fill up and just leave. i think i would even cancel my phone service. if i did that, i would take some of his long sleeved shirts since all mine are in storage. i would take some food and water. i have a blanket in the trunk already so i could sleep in my car. sometimes i think that's what would be best. to just leave. i dont know if im the best girlfriend ever or the worst. all my exes still love me and say im the only one they've ever loved. i give a boyfriend everything; i always give my heart like there's no chance of it being broken. i love them unconditionally and support them fully. but then it takes years before they stop calling and stop thinking they'll never find another. none of them have been in love since we broke up. maybe im like a curse to them. maybe im too emotinoal and passionate and deep. and then i think that maybe im too much of a burden on a person who just wants a girl who will have babies, be kind, and always be honest. im so much more complicated than that and sometimes i think of easing him of this relationship and just leaving.
but he'd be hurt and id miss him. so i guess i can stick around and play it out until the relationship naturally evolves to marriage or just a friendship. although i dont know how you could be just friends with someone you love and know so well. im memorizing him. each tooth and mole. his muscles and where he's most ticklish. i know him too well to not be with him now. this is exactly why breaking up hurts so much. i cant imagine being without him. i had nothing better to do @12:14 AM
Monday, October 14, 2002
a lot of people struggle with who they are and "finding themselves". i know exactly who i am but struggle with where i fit in. that made me cry last night.
my dream last night was crazy. randall and i were in the back of a shcool bus with that guy frim Dude where;s my car and R. cut off his penis. there was no blood but i was like, um, why did you do that?! i also crashed Best Buy's parade and stole some stilts. i moonwalked on them for the audience. there was a part where i was sleeping in a parking garage and my sis was somewhere else in it and we were yelling at each other. then i had a needle and i was trying to make a stuffed animal anitomically correct with it. (ahem) and my house back in Va was in it. a lot of my dreams dealt with my mom and my "home". everytime i woke up from a dream (like every 2 hours) i thought i was back home with my mom but then i saw the blankets or randall and remembered that i dont have a home here and my mom is very far away now. it was sad. i did this repeatedly for 12 hours. i miss my mommy.
so ive started my home remedies since im too poor for a Dr. its only been two days and so i dont know if they work yet but im taking extra vitamins because what i plan on doing is overdoing the treatments that way im SURE i take care of it and there wont be any bad side effects. i think my reasoning is correct. i had nothing better to do @4:29 PM
Saturday, October 12, 2002
i like my tattoos. i think girls with tattoos are sexy. like, angelina jolie sexy. the next one i want i think will be a black cat with green eyes and like these wings on either side but not necessarily on the cat. and there will be a lot of purple and swirlies for the background and stars. it'll be on my lower back. i am bored. i have a lot to do but im overwhelemed so like i dont want to do anything. it's like when Mr Burns was so sick that he wasnt sick. all the germs and diseases had tried to fit into his body's door all at once and got stuck. so although he was the sickest man on earth, he had no sickeness. that's me. the busiest person, yet with nothing to do.
tattoos are cool. i think i want some chai.
i had nothing better to do @9:09 PM
randall's b-day is tomorrow and i dont know what to do. i had all these great ideas but i just found out 30 min ago that he doesnt have to work tomorrow after all so anything i plan would be last minute. what a bad g/f i am.
=(
i kind of want a lot of his friends to be here but that means i have to clean and call them up. im afraid like no one will show if i invite them. i have NEVER in my life thrown a party or anything like one. i already have his gifts, but i want something more. for some reason i dont think it would be like, nice enough if just he and i went out. maybe i'll invite his best friend and his fiance to come with us. im so bad at planning this stuff. im all upset cause i think im not gonna come up with something good enough. what can i do that is free.....strip? hahahahahhahahaha!!! no. im sure his dad will feed him already so he wont be hungry and going out to eat wont really work. im really depressed now.
he sat for 3 hours to get more work on his tattoo done. im drawing up my next one but first i need some $$$$. im just barely starting to get my website up for sales. i still need to buy a domain to move it to. too much to do. bah. i had nothing better to do @8:08 PM
im debating whether it would be better to find a really cheap health insurance or just pay the bill of a Dr's visit. until ive reached my decision its all vitamins and tea for me. i think ive got two problems: one i can deal with for now. the Dr cant do anything but prescribe more drugs that cant cure, just alleviate the symptoms. i wont ever get better from it so it's really of now consequence to me. the other thing is what's getting to me. im thinking of just calling some place and asking for advice about it. maybe there's some kind of clinic somewhere that will charge me someting cheap. i hate getting that kind of help though; like i cant take care of myself. i had nothing better to do @2:13 AM
Friday, October 11, 2002
oh my goodness. so im all set to be productive and do you know what i did instead?? i SHOPPED. i bought fabric, food, really expensive french cheese (but it's randalll's fave), magazines, silky pj pants that i want to wear as real pants, cologne, 6 boy's undershirts, floor mats for my vroom vroom, freshener things that go in the vents of my vroom vroom, and i ALMOST bought two pairs of sweet shoes from Payless, a scanner half for me half for R's b-day, and two mice. the mice are only 99 cents!! they were sooo cute! i want a pet badly and the bunnies were $30. in the end i didnt cause i was afraid the mouse would get loose and id never find it the first day home and then the hamster peed like with its but pressed up against the glass like in my face.
credit cards are evil. i was so bad today. i had nothing better to do @11:25 PM
3pm. time to wake up.
im so friggin unproductive. i should clean, work on randall's b-day present, make more jewlery, draw sketches, and try to sell my stuff in the shops. i think i'll clean and then make stuff. i should start taking my vitamins too. im convinced they along with some medicine i have left over from a few months ago will stop the internal bleeding since i cant go to a Dr if it starts to get worse.
randall's grandmother sent him a b-day card that tells him to keep me and not loose me =) grandmas always like me i had nothing better to do @3:08 PM
Thursday, October 10, 2002
midnight run for cigars. every now and then i have a cigar because i just love that wooden mouthpiece that they make taste like vanilla. we sit outside bundled in warm sweaters and watch the stars as we talk about bunches of stuff. i think i mostly crave that moment where we leave the music, computer, tv, sewing machines, and cell phones for each other's company. it's like a ritual that when we smoke, we do nothing else but talk to each other. ooooh, pink sparkly nails. pretty. i had nothing better to do @11:28 PM
within 20 min my sister and i were fighting and she walked out the door to call a friend at 2:30a to come pick her up. she refused my apologies (even though she was just as wrong and the stubborn b*tch never took anything she said back) and she is now standing outside where there happens to be a serial rapist at large. she refuses to come back in here and i already offered her a ride many times. dont do the mom thing on me!! i seriously appologized and i sounded like i meant it even. im 4 yrs older than her and yet she's always comparing us. oh, poor baby! she doesnt have a car? when i was in her place, i rode a freakin bus. she gets rides everywhere and is afraid of the very public transportation my whole educational, proffesional, social lives depended on. i rode the bus until i graduated college a few months ago. so far her first year and a half has been chauffered by parents and sometimes friends. i held three part times jobs, she has none. mommy and daddy are taking care of her. and she thinks she has it SO MUCH HARDER!! oh! poor baby!! i feeeeeel for you!!
the youngest sibling is always spoiled. im the oldest of 4 and so im the RESPONSIBLE, DEPENDABLE one. the next child is 7 mo. younger than me yet those 7 months made me adequate to babysit the younger 3. from april to august my bro and i are the same age. no WAY he was gonna listen to ME during that time. i dont know why she thinks i get everything. my car? well maybe it's cause i WORKED for it. and im 4 YEARS OLDER. my parents did not co-sign for it or buy it. then she bashed the fact i dont have a "traditional" job. im still keeping up with my bills, and i am doing SOMETHING. when i was her age, a sophomore in college i had 3 part time jobs and NO CAR. i worked 7days a week and was a full time student. she doesnt remember that all she sees is that now i dont have to go to school and i have a sweet ass car. she sees the long stemmed roses but not all the fertilizer and thorns i had to go through. i think she's still outside. i want to go and invite her in again, but im getting tired of apologizing like it was all my fault. ive already bowed myself down and humbled at her feet twice. she's not my queen, just some brat. but it is cold and dangerous out there. i wish she wasnt so stupid and would just f*cking think for once or not be so stubborn. the youngest child is usually the most head strong and WRONG. you spoiled things, you. you have no idea what you put your siblings through.
FINE! I'LL CHECK ON HER ALREADY. I HATE BEING THE OLDEST AND MOST RESPONSIBLE. IT SUCKS!! i had nothing better to do @2:59 AM
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
i had this really real dream that randall broke up with me because he believed that he couldnt be with a girl and still do what God wanted him to do, i think. in it his dad didnt like me and all my stuff was being carried out to my car. he was a jerk in my dream. lately i havent had good dreams about him at all.
i finished my outfit assignment for the FIT application process. it's soooo awesome. ok, now i have to do some sketches. oh poop. i just remembered i was supposed to take care of randall's b-day present when i went out today. ooops. i had nothing better to do @7:10 PM
yeah! todd came to see me! we took randall lunch, ran an errand, sewed, and i showed him how to make earrings for his girlfriend. we talked a bunch too. i made this awesome skirt with slits from my ankles to just where my butt ends on both sides. it's the skirt ive been wanting for years. and now im making this awesome shirt and this waist tie thingy and a belt that will have bells and charms on it. it's so cool. and i got all the fabric for $11 wheee!!! i feel so great when i make things. i had nothing better to do @12:43 AM
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
there were naked women in my dream last night and their nipples were pierced. i didnt get up til 4pm. something is starting to not feel right but i dont know what it is. something is out of place but i dont see it yet. i also dreamt that i was gonna have red and blonde chunks dyed into my hair.
maybe things are just starting to be weird cause i spend a lot of time alone now. im here in this apt just watching tv (the three channels it gets just show news 85% of the time but the news scares me. everythign is about rape, murder, and war) making stuff. i have like no more interaction with other people. i need to get out and do something. ive noticed this positive correlation between weird stuff going on and being alone. i had nothing better to do @4:38 PM
Monday, October 07, 2002
all day there has been this weird noise outside the window. it sounds like a mechanical crickett and i hear it every 20 min or so. stuff is getting weird lately. ive had 3 glasses of chai. mmmmm.... i had nothing better to do @11:39 PM
