im 25, decent looking, creative, and nice. ive got a hell of a temper and every now and then start fights with complete strangers. just recently
a semi truck ran me off the road after pushing me across three lanes of traffic, pulled in front of me then braked for flicking him off. but HE started it! he was
swerving across two lanes trying to fit the lid on a big gulp.
i hate racism. i hate domestic violence. i hate rape. i hate hurting other people's feelings. i hate violation of rights and happiness. i hate war.
i love God. i love my family. i love my friends. i love kindness. i love happiness. i love laughing. i love kitties.
today i'm
Friday, March 29, 2002
ok, it just happened to be my 4 month anniversary today for my nipple piercings so i submitted my experience to BME. i find out if it's accepted in a few days! wheeeee! well, after a yucky bout healing my left nipple, they are both finally looking good, not pussing, and not hurting. i REALLY like the way they look, however very few people have seen them: piercer, randall, mom, aunt. i think they add lots of character to my boobies and i am very satisfied whereas before i was maybe somewhat satisied to slightly dissatisfied with my boobies. im glad we found that 2 for 1 sale that day.
oh, and this is my secret project: Goldleaf 31. this is my dream. one day....one day. i need to work on it some more. i've got all these things im making and they're just piling up everywhere. i had nothing better to do @11:11 PM
uh-oh. i just got orange juice on my boyfriend's keyboard. im trying to suck it off the "t" key before he finds out. i had nothing better to do @3:33 PM
tomorrow is tortilla day. i will teach 6 non-mexicans to make them. i believe i am called to be a revolutinoary for the conversion of America. pretty soon, i will reach you, too. you will all be mexican, you hear?? wheeee!! however i already have my arch nemesis. Bastian, the cat. last night i was sitting on the floor and he walks up, sniffs my thigh and starts biting! he usually only does that when we're playing rough but i pushed him away and he did it again. so i ran away to my mom's bed and he FOLLOWED me. Demon Cat. i told me mom and she asked if he was rabid. i said i didnt think so so i petted him and he was ok til he sniffed my ankle and then started biting my pants again. i ran away again and closed the door to my room. then later that night, the devil must have left cause he didnt bite anymore. just in case i should stop by a catholic church for some candles and holy water. if you put the water in a sprayer, you can spritz the cat- they hate water.
graduation is in 2.5 months. yeah! i had nothing better to do @3:18 PM
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
these are the pics we took on our 6 month anniversary a few weeks ago. that thing in the middle of his chin is the labret piercing i got him for his b-day last fall. this is like a week after we got back from the Cayman Islands. he made the hemp neckalces, i made my shirt, and we both made love- no!! im just kidding!!! i think we are the only 22 yr olds that can sleep in the same apartment and not have sex, actually. but that's a-ok with me. um, maybe im talking too much. ok, here are the pics:
he's so purty. i really like his glasses, too. they're like a modren 50's retro. oh, i made my necklace to. and this is me not having washed my hair for a day or two. just so ya know. i had nothing better to do @8:04 PM
i just got my pics back today. i wanna scan one of me and randall but i have to wait until the scanners free up a bit. grrrrr....working sucks. not really. all i've done for the past hour and 40 min is sit at the computer and read blogs. on the way home from picking up the pics randall briefly mentioned The Move. which is weird cause we havent talked about it yet. im graduating in less than 3 months and moving to pursue my post-grad studies (wow, that sounds important). and niether one of us believes in long distance relationships. last night my dad talked to me for 16 minutes about love and me and "the one". my parents are moving this summer. lots of things are gonna change i think. what was my point? oh, anyway, on the car ride home, he mentioned one of the cities i may move to and some dynamics of moving there then he said, "im really serious about you." wheeee! so then i was smiling a lot. it doesnt nec. mean we're gonna get married, but it's nice to know where he is i guess.
this morning (well, 1pm) i was getting out of bed to go potty when there was a long hard knock at the door. i literally jumped 2 feet back and grabbed the wall, hiding my half naked body behind it. i crouched really low prepared to attack. a million plans raced through my now acute mind. my morning self is very instinctual. i almost ripped that UPS man to shreds, i tell ya. i had nothing better to do @7:48 PM
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
in my dream last night someone put two snakes into this man's mouth in my kitchen. they ate his organs, came out, and vomited. the man died. there were a lot of dead bodies. then someone and i put three people into the backseat of the mustang and we gagged and tied them with duct tape. there was this girl being chased by a guy and these spirits were helping her escape. in the end, she was found in a puddle thought to be dead. she was alive, but died 3 weeks later of drowning complications. my dream was so weird. my sis's b/f even broke up with her to be with me which made me uncomfy. specially since i already have one.
no more macaroni before bed. i literaly threw myself off the bed this morning to check my grades. two A's and a C-. i called up the dept to see if that was still good enough to get me to graduation and they said yes. im disapointed cause i could have done so much better, but at least im still gonna gradaute. i have two more classes to take. wheeeeee!
*sniffs* um, i should stop wearing shoes w/o socks. ew. i had nothing better to do @7:06 PM
Monday, March 25, 2002
oh my goodess. last night i dreamt i was making out with this 50 yr old who used to be in a famous heavy metal 80's band. i cant believe i can be so STUPID in my dreams!!! we were on a couch. he still had his really long hair. he was joking about a relationship because of the age difference and asked what i would do. i said i wouldnt change his diapers. he laughed but i was really serious and started to get annoyed with him. then i left to sell my necklaces at the shop next door with randall. im glad i dont really make out with old people in real life. i had nothing better to do @11:08 PM
i cant take this!!! only one grade had been posted so far. an A- in my most important class last quarter, but i am so not patient in waiting for my other two grades, stupid university. i wanna know my grades NOW!!
in the meantime, im reading The Prayer of Jabez which, like, every christian says changes their life right after reading it. it's about 1/4 the size of a textbook and has less than 100 pages. so, ok, i could use a life-changing experiece which will leave me blessed in less than an hour's reading time. im also looking up baby names online. and then i read about preconception tips. i have now moved on to birth stories. and am reading them. *sigh* im such a girl sometimes. i want this to pass. grrrrrr......i need to think about school, career.....um, maybe getting married first!!! ive already got names picked. ooooh, and im gonna breastfeed and ive read tips for people with piercings, and i dont want drugs, and i know all this stuff about how im gonna do it and im all ready- in my mind anyways. logically, i know this is stupid. i need to get this off my mind. i have 26 min left of work. maybe i'll read my book and try to stay away from all these pregnancy sites. i had nothing better to do @11:04 PM
i had a chest pain that lasted for 3 hours straight. it just ended a little less than an hour ago. i prayed it away. it sucks cause it was right over where my heart is so now im super-paranoid about it.
i showed my mom and my aunt my nipple piercings saturday night, my mom said they looked swollen and i said they wouldnt look that way if she didnt keep the house at 55 degrees in the winter. then last night randall and i led our bible study at a local coffee shop which went well. everyone was commenting and speaking up which i like cause it means they're listening and really applying it to their lives. it even had an easter-theme to it. i had nothing better to do @7:21 PM
Saturday, March 23, 2002
wheeee! im so happy. i had a dream about graduation. i hope i did well in my classes last quarter. graduation is in 2 months 2 weeks 6 days. i might be a college graduate soon. today im going to a movie with my mom after we drop my aunt off at the airport. then tomorrow morning we're going to the Vineyard which is one of my favorite churches with my mom and randall's dad! so they get to meet for the first time ever. yikes. are we ready for this level of commitment....haha! im happy. ive eaten a lot of pastas and grains. i once read that your body uses these to produce a chemical very much like that of this one drug whose name i cant remember. ecstasy or something.
my dad is in NC right now, i think im gonna call him and tell him about the test i have coming up. yuck. i really dont wanna do it. i wish i was fine. i had nothing better to do @4:08 PM
im feeling so creative today. i made two necklaces added a bunch of images and sketches to my inspiration notebook and just made these half sleeve/half glove like things that im loving. im also really glad im mexican. aside from the occasional jerk off who goes out of his way to call me a "chink" or tell me to "go back to [my] own country" (this IS my country moron, where the hell do you think we lived before you came here and took our land?) i really like being this mix of darker peoples. mexican is: originally from asia. we are the native americans who kept walking further south, the ones who mixed bloods with the africans the europeans brought and of course the spainards. there. a little bit of every continent (i know it's not 7, but i cant think of the other one....is antartica one?) give the world a few more years and we will ALL be mexican. i love having long dark hair and dark eyes. they're not just brown, they can turn gold in the sun. i like my skin. it's light but has no problem darkening (but of course i ALWAYS use sunblock!!) and i like my stomach. i just recently found out why it's so flat. i used to always wonder why girl jeans were always too big in the waist and all girls had this pouch-like thing for a stomach. turns out to be the uterus. mine tilts backward so that's why im really flat. i like my legs too. they arent skinny (which makes for pants-hell. little waist, big hips) but muscular which i like cause it looks really healthy. im on a very big "i like me" thing today. and yes, i will even say i like my boobs especially with the piercings. they look so neat and i just cant imagine unpierced nipples anymore. i was thinking about this as i got into the shower just now. some nipples are so huge they're like saucers. those can be very overpowering. im glad i was made the way i am. i could do without a few of these health problems, but at least they're nothing i cant deal with. it could be worse; i could have 0 piercings. *gasp*
i really like randall. i like that he's a christian, not that he goes to church, but that he really believes. he prays and reads the bible and truly has faith. i think he knows more about the bible than me. i would go to him for spiritual guidance. he's like never wrong. he's so patient and kind and just. i dont understand it yet. if i didnt get jealous of certain girls or get upest about not winning Life, we would probably almost never fight. He's really responsible. he has a car and an apartment and all these bills and a full time job and school. all i have is school and credit cards. and he's really cute. i really admire the person he is and we have so much fun together. that's why i love him. oh, and if we got married, id bring home the bacon while he raised our children. how perfect is he? =) i had nothing better to do @2:41 AM
Friday, March 22, 2002
im so proud of my sweetie, he's starting to blog. he's very inconsistent though, but before long his addictin will set in. then i'll get to spy on him! hahahahaha!! ok, not really. i would love to read what he writes but not for nosy reasons. just cause i love to hear what he has to say. Yikes, i think im gonna be sick. i had a whole lot of Girl Scout Thin Mints today.......oy. i had nothing better to do @4:30 PM
finally! im done with all my finals and papers. all i have to do is sit and pray i did well enough to graduate in 2 months 3 weeks!!
ugh, i dont know if its cause im a girl or what, but this week ive been so into.....um, babies. yeah, i know. it must be a phase. i went to the mall two days ago and all i saw were maternity stores and moms and pregnant ladies. it may have been my hormones at the time, who knows. anyway, i think that's edging away. i saw my therapist today. i havent been in like a year. today i feel very sane, so i basically just gave him some background. just some facts. i really like him cause he seems really nice and he has some degree or soemthing in pastoral counseling which makes me feel really good about going to him. oh, i also went to the hospital yesterday for a consultation appointment, we made another appt for i think next week. im gonna be sedated for it. i told randall some of the thins they mentined it might be. one thing was cancer from my symtoms but also cause my grandma and great-grandma had this same caner. i dont think so though. g it's most likely a small infection that i can cure with some meds. today he got mad at me for a sec cause i kept blowing off the subject. because i waited 5-6 years before i went to the doc with these symtoms. i think he's just scared.
i cant wait to graduate. i hope i do. i had nothing better to do @4:20 PM
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
i am so not in the mood to start today. i really dont feel like dealing with the pain, mess, and finding out im all out of tampons, which i usually do. i just typed a 10 page paper. it was such crap im embaressed to have my name on it, but what can i do? im the world's biggest procrastinator. i have another one due in a day. i should really start that soon.....
if i was a gymnast, id be too active and thin to have a period. hmmmm......im now considering the 6hrs/day training this would involve. i had nothing better to do @5:28 PM
Monday, March 18, 2002
i have been awake since 8am yesterday. this is finals week. i have two more papers to write and one exam. til thurs i will not be sane. i also found out on sat that my mom knows about my nipple piercings. she wasnt upset or anything at all and i think i might show them to her. ok. im gonna catch some sleep before i start on my next project of death. oh, and yesterday randall bought a sewing machine so we're making baby quilts all weekend after my finals =) i had nothing better to do @5:26 PM
Friday, March 15, 2002
two days ago i saw American History X. i had actualy started it a week or two before, but i couldnt watch anymore. i became very frustrated and upset and randall turned it off. he put on one of my fave songs and just held me. i hate racism. i absolutely despise it and i cant understand it. sometimes i dont think he understands. yes, these images were hard to watch and they were cruel, but to me, they invoke memories. things that have happened to me just because i look different. just because my name is different. i couldnt watch anymore if it. i was in tears and absolutely upset. that could have been my family. i finally finished it on wed. it's an extremely powerful movie. it was good. but man, i dont know if i could ever watch it without that break. i think it would be too much to bear all at once. i really hate racism. i hate that ive had to deal with it. i hate that i have to think about it more than others. i hate that when i like a guy, i have to wonder about it. i hate meeting a guy's family for the first time, "do they hate mexicans??" i have dated guys with racist parents. racist grandparents. but so far i have been lucky. maybe cause i "don't look mexican". which sometimes bothers me. than i have been spared. but other times, i dont know. i just hate remebering how horrible people can be
=( i had nothing better to do @8:10 PM
when i first wake up, i never understand the alarm clock. i stared at it for 7 seconds trying to understand what the numbers meant. because it's my boyfriend's alarm clock, i then slapped it 5 times before finding a button that would make that noise stop. it only started all over again 9 minutes later.
once my classes are over, i think i'll get my nose pierced. that will be piercing number 10 and the first "visible" one, too. i already looked at the jewelry. i already read all about it, asked all my questions, and pestered a million people that already have it. my last piercing went so well im excited about another. of all the piercings i have, the hood was the LEAST painful, the least uncomfortable, and the easiest to heal. plus, mine is kinda rare which i like. im thinking of getting a vertical to go with the horizontal but i dont want it looking too cluttered. hmmm..... more people have seen my hood piercing than my nipples. it was just at 2, piercer and boyfriend who insisted on watching up close the entire (half-second) procedure, but then this nurse on campus saw it. i decided not to warn her, just pulled that paper blankie up, laid back, and spreaded 'em. Hello, how ya doin? after a few moments of silence, she was like, uh, does this come out? i had nothing better to do @10:34 AM
Thursday, March 14, 2002
funnie true story of the day:
when i was about 12 years old, i (for who knows WHAT reason) actually prayed to have my period. Yes, i did. i have no idea what my perception of that hell was, but it prolly did not include cramps, bloating, expensive tampons, and days of wearing a sweater around my waist. that month, i became a woman.
im glad we had this time to share (HA!) i feel like we're becoming so close (hee-hee) will you be my friend. ANYWAY
why does a boy become a man when he has sex, but i dont get to have that much fun becoming a woman? periods should be orgasmic. there'd be less teen pregnancy, being a girl would be cooler, and boys would be JEALOUS. i am stalling. i have a project due tomorrow that i should be working on. i have succesfully stalled for 2 hours and 45 min now. i am the QUEEN of procrastination, you hear me? i had nothing better to do @8:41 PM
do you realize that in three months i could be walking down the aisle?! not to get married, to GRADUATE!! wheeeee! and it only took 5 years...that's if i do well enough on my finals this quarter. yeah, i slacked a bit, but man am i motivated to tie up all these loose ends within the next 6 days. after that, i will hopefuly have just one more quarter left, that's just 2 classes between me and loan repayment, i mean freedom.
oh, i had this weird dream last night. it was the most disturbing dream i've ever had. EVER. more disturbing than the one about the leather jacket that would take you to hell. more twisted than the dream where i realized it was a dream then had sex with a refridgerator. more weird than anything my mind has ever come up with. and that includes the ones about bathrooms i have all the time. because this was a horrendous sexually related themed one about......a family member. oh. dear.....goodnes. i am grateful for the fact that dreams rarely mean anything. especially when they deal with sex. shut up, frued, before i kick yo butt.
I SWEAR SHE MEANT NOTHING TO ME!!! it was just a DREAM!!!! oh, i feel so dirty now =(
oh, this is a secret, so shhhhhhhhh! no telling.
i had nothing better to do @8:36 AM
i hate when he's sad. especially when he says, "it's just everything" cause im prolly a big part of that everything. i can't be sucked into that too, though, cause i've got a lot to do. finals are next week. i've got a presentation due tomorrow. i see the new therapist tomorrow, the scary doctor on wed, my aunt is coming in this weekend, and im confronting my church on an issue which has made me reconsider membership. lots to do i tell ya. so i can't be drug down right now. i'll try to cheer him up somehow. i must think of something he'd really like..... i had nothing better to do @7:58 AM
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
i am pissed. i go to the doctor for a simple perscription and the stupid nurse treats me like im some whore running around harboring these horrible sexual practices and STD'S. first of all, BITCH, i told you how it is. all i wanted was a freaking look-over. then you have the nerve to run these tests on me WITHOUT my permission?! AHHHHH! I HATE the student health services on campus. you all assume we're running around sleeping with whatever moves drunk beyond all reason. i am soooooo complaining about this. oh, but maybe it's not my fault. i mean, society has condoned this image of college students afterall. yeah, that's exactly how it is, huh? right after i finish my bible study i go to my weekly orgy. screw condoms. she has no right to go around getting samples from unknowing students for her own stupid assumptions. i am sooooooooooooo gonna complain about this. then im gonna grill HER for 20 min about HER sexual practices asking her FIVE times if she uses comdoms while she whores around. i. am. so. pissed. right. now.
she went behind my back and violated my right as a patient. AND requested a completely useless series of tests. man, im gonna get her. plus, i feel so degraded. how freaking embaressing.
anyway, it looks like all my piercings are doing well. even my hood piercing hasn't given me a single problem yet. i had nothing better to do @4:24 PM
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
i've been in denial for like 3 months, but i think im living with my boyfriend. it started out as every weekend or so cause we'd hang out in the city so late and i dont drive. then id be meeting people from my classes in the evenings and would have no ride back. then my work hours got later and....i dunno, but here i am. since christmas, ive spent 2 nights at home and one of them was when randall was there too to see my dad. i still kinda dont see it, but i am being told that it's fairly obvious. like, 85% of my junk is still at home though, and that's where all my mail goes and all. so im not sure on the techincality of it all.
i am hungry i have nothing to eat but orange mints. i need to eat. eat......eat..... i had nothing better to do @1:52 PM
one more week of classes to go. lots to do. family tree, a 70 page journal, 10 page papers......man i hope i pass.
that's about it. i go to the Dr tomorrow for a stupid infection. it's so itchy!!! ahhhh! but when i scratch it hurts so im trying not to. plus, i dont want to look like a dork. im in class and at work til 11pm. must.....not.....scratch.......grrrrrrrrr
i had nothing better to do @1:30 PM
Saturday, March 09, 2002
the wind outside is strong. i can hear the building creaking. i feel like i should be following it. just letting it show me where to go. i shouldn't be stationary. i've been in this place too long. i had nothing better to do @3:45 PM
i want to bellydance. that would be so cool. i cant wait to graduate. im so tired of this. this is so fake. i don't want to be here. this isnt where i belong and im out of motivation. the only reason i started this was to know my culture and speak the language. im there. the classes i have left to take wont further me in that quest. ive bullshitted along far too long now, do you see? i DONT CARE about homework or any of that. ive acheived what i wanted here. im tired of going through the motions. two more classes and i graduate
i want to design. i want to sew. i want to be an artist but im being diluted by work and stupid assignments. i need to finish here. i want to leave and be done with my responsibilities and obligation to my parents to get a degree. i want to bellydance. and quilt. my parents are moving. then where will i go? i could live with randall for a bit, but then what? i have no idea where i will be in 4 months. will i graduate? where will i live? will i know which school i'll be attending for design? will my parents be in their new home by then? hopefully, i will finally be free to pursue my own desires. i desire God's will. and his will is for me to design. and i love that.
twice a week, on my way to randall's apartment, late at night i will walk by an art studio on the far edge of campus. i slow my pace and peer in. and im jealous. i see a couple people by the fire. blowing glass. taking their pottery out. i love the way they dress. i love that they are following a dream. because society doesnt encourage this. society (and my parents) chase money, degrees, respect- but i want to chase God. i want to be the people that are happy and make beautiful things. im tired of writing essays for A's. i wanna make something that doesn't need to be assigned. i want my heart to tell me what to do. i want to make things. beautiful things. i don't care anymore about where i am. i've spent 5 years studying something other than design. and now that im so close to finishing this, i think my gauge is on empty. im trying. but i can't even get out to push the car the last few meters. i want to finish only to be free. i hate where i am. i don't want to be here. understand? this isn't me. i need to be somewhere else i had nothing better to do @3:40 PM
what was i thinking. oh well. after a night of 6 shots of 151proof rum im suprisingly doing really well, but my poor baby is puking and still in bed. maybe i didn't drink that much at all, but since i weigh so little, i didn't wanna take more than that. i feel like taking his car now that he's asleep and having some fun. i've got a lot of errands to run in the city too.im so bored. im gonna get dressed and run out for some nice decaf butterpecan coffee. i had nothing better to do @3:23 PM
Thursday, March 07, 2002
ugh, i wish i had enough will power and self discipline to not eat. but then my hollow stomach sends pangs of hunger and my weak feet walk me to the nearest food. i always give in, even though i shouldn't. im always regretting it. i wish i wasn't sick. i wish i could eat whatever i wanted. it's been 5 years now. i had nothing better to do @9:50 PM
i am resisting temptation....i am resisting temptation....this is such a conscious thing. it's like fasting. always on your mind. and you constantly remember why you're doing it. man, it's hard. it seems like i put up such a strong front and resist all these invitations to it and i struggle and grit my teeth but i overcome it. then i see it's only been like 5 minutes and this is something i have to do for the rest of the day. ugh.
must think about something else. hmm. i think my pants were too tight to have worn today, you know, since im healing my new hood piercing and all. yikes. i had nothing better to do @9:53 AM
grrrrrrrrrrrr..........im so frustrated.
i hate not being able to work things out. if we have a discussion over something that i feel passionate about i want to be able to thoroughly work through it until we've arrived at a conclusion and all my doubts/worries/concerncs are eliminated. i hate when he brings up something that bothers him or whatever, then he has to go. cause then im left with that and unresolved curiosity. i would stay up til 6am on a day when i had to be at work at 7:30am just to get the satisfaction of well worked out conversation which concluded in a resolution. one more week of classes. you would not believe what i put off until the last minute. please, God, let this be like the story of Lazarus where you waited until the last minute to work a miracle to show just how powerful you are and what you can overcome. Cause getting this work done and passing my classes would be a BIG miracle... i had nothing better to do @9:34 AM
