december 13, 2001
2:38pm,

*sigh* i have never had to work this hard for a relationship before. it demands too much and looks too deep within me. i actually have to compromise and put up with someone else. all the other boys just loved me, just like that. i didn't have to work for their affection and actually change things about myself. it's this constant struggle, not to stay at a certain level, but to continually be better; and when i slip, it's always a fall.
10:01am,

YOU WILL NEVER, IN A MILLION YEARS, GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME!!!

i went to the bathroom, all preoccupied about society and pornography and cooties on toilet seats and i think it was this distraction that promted the following "incident". first of all, i will kill you if you tell anyone. ok, so i squat (cause seats are nasty, girls) and im peeing and peeing and thinking about something or other when i look down and realize i have MISSED the toilet oh yes i did. so i quickly lean back and finish, but, ladies and gentelmen, there is a puddle of pee in there at this very moment. i thought about wiping it up really quickly, but i didn't want someoen walking in seeing me do that. so i washed my hands and ran out laughing. sheesh, sometimes i can't believe the funnie stuff that happens to me, you know?
9:41am,

"toilet seats are nasty playgrounds of defunct cooties"
this old-school quote of the day has been provided by:may 17, 2001
9:36am,

once i won a dollar in a bet for sticking a twizzler in my nose and eating it. i have also been called the physical manifestation of temptation itself. and once a homeless man said i had a "huge ass" even though at that time i was wearing a size 0.

i like going through my archives and re-reading this stuff.
8:06am,

ah, yes. now i see why sugar is so bad for me. in addition to spells of extreme dizziness and nausea, allergies, and headaches, apparently i act really weird. last night i was jumping up on the table and jumping over railings threatening people that id lay the smack-down on them for not obeying me. not in a mean way, but still...i did a lot of jumping around, yanking people underneath the mistletoe, running room to room, arguing excitedly how i was never wrong, and curling up into people's laps to have my hair petted. i also grabbed some man boobs. and made a questionable comment when this guy remarked on how we both had "ribbed" shirts (for your pleasure or mine? let's get together later). if you EVER see me chugging or even sipping from a 3-liter of soda, you need to take it away from me. i don't even think i had that much. anyway, the "hangover" of my sugar trip is obsolete today because i ate so much pasta before i went to bed so it never really dropped low enough.

ooooh! and i met this really awesome guy last night. he reminds me of when i first met randall. we were talking about a church service we had both attended and he wants to meet randall to read his paper on Islamic Beliefs and how the terrorists are not "extremists" because they are abiding by the commands of the koran, or qu'ran. whatever. he cooked four bags of chicken voila last night and works for my fave radio station. and next week is our last meeting together before we spin off to 3 smaller groups so we're having a dinner and everyone's wearing their PJ's. i had to make a point to not wear what you sleep in, but actual PJ's. we just can't have birthday suits at bible study.

december 12, 2001
8:02am,

i dreamt that there were people on campus in this secret building near baker that were keeping me in a coma. i kept trying to leave but they'd inject me with something and id fall back again. eventually i flew away and ended up in this van with a mother and three young children. when we pulled into her driveway we heard the killer bees coming and rushed inside. she wouldn't let me put blankets over the windows and doors to keep them out. so i took the two little girls with me and that's where i forget the rest. i woke up a bunch last night. ive barely been able to sleep and stay up til 2am even though i get up at 5:15am.

i slept through bible study last night and was having this weird dream about something vibrating. when i woke up, my bed was vibrating from my pager, ha-ha. then i watched comic view on BET and couldn't go back to sleep. i ended up calling this girl and we had a really awesome conversation. she's kind of going through depression but there's a lot behind it. i like talking to her cause we have a lot in common and the first night we met we sat outside in my driveway confessing things we'd never told anyone else before. it was amazing that our pasts were so similar and i took it as a sign that God wanted us to learn something from each other. right after that night, she...kinda had an accident that sent her through many trials over the next few months. before, she really had no foundation faith or friends but found all that in the bible study that meets at my house. we try to talk to each other at least once a week just to encourage each other and see what's going on. so that's cool. right before i talked to her id been thinking about something bad, but found strength in our discussion to forget about it. so that was cool. especially since i called right as she was gonna pick up the phone to call me.

december 11, 2001
8:18am,

like, ew, gross. i saw another dead roach in here.
i watched My Best Friend's Wedding last night, just for one scene. the part where they break into a dionne warwick song. i love that movie cause it's diferent every time. the first time, i was like, "ooooh, i hate Julia Roberts!! how dare she do that?!" and the second time was, "poor thing, i know just how she feels. Cameron Diaz is so stupid." but last night, i sympathized with both of them. i'd been on both sides of the conflict. oh, and i have a new quote that i love,
what the hell, life goes on
and maybe there won't be marriage
maybe there won't be sex
but by God, there'll be dancing.
7:26am,

i made $160 last friday just from selling necklaces, so it was a good night.

i can't remember what else i did this weekend. i spent a lot of time with randall, though. oh, and the majority of sunday night as an insanely jealous person. that's something i've been meaning to break myself of. i spent the entire night trying to be prettier than her. looking at her butt and her stomach, checking out her makeup and her expressions and measuring myself against her. ugh. what a horrible girlfriend i can be. anything he's ever said about her ive recorded in my mind in her file. i think it's insecurity. every time some girl is close to one of my boyfriends, i have to go into this defensive mode, prolly left over from theron. since him, i've learned to analyze stuff like this. im determined to not be caught as the third girlfriend again. to not find out that some stupid jerk was cheating on me for two years. i did it with chris. and i saw the warning signs but made myself drop it, mostly when i saw that she was ugly. but then, the day after we broke up, he went out with her. so now, i can't even disqualify a girl as a potential threat for ugliness and i have to be extra careful. how paranoid do i sound? i suppose ultimately it really is gonna work out in the end, but i hate being hurt. so i kept my eyes on her all night. i watched her hands on her boy (space) friend. i screened their words for "i love you"'s.

but then i thought about it yesterday and have decided, "fuck it". i really don't care. im tired of being like that. im tired of being the way theron created me. i hate thinking of that relationship and i don't want any memories of it at all, including this psycho spy stuff.

ooooh, and i saw Ocean's 11. we walked to the movies on sunday night. the air was cool, especially as we stood 4 feet away from a train that raced by us, but i liked it anyway. i like being outdoors at night because the darkness hides the city. i miss my home. i miss the mountains, the woods, the ocean, all that nature crap i never cared about before. i miss driving into the Shennandoah and watching the shadows of the clouds in the valley below. i miss the smells, too. as we walked back to randall's apartment, the aroma of pine reached across the road as we passed a Christmas Tree vendor. Since i was holding his hand and not on the side closest to the road, i closed my eyes and thought of home until the pine was too faint to detect. i hate the complication of everything here. i hate that shopping has crossed that line between necessity and entertainment. i hate that Christmas is no longer about Jesus. I hate everyone's preocupation with money, electronics, and false happiness.

hold up, gotta vaccum.

december 7, 2001
8:59am,

as soon as the only guy in this lab leaves, im taking a picture of my butt, hee-hee!!
hey! i didn't mean like that, nasty! i wear pants to work, perv.
8:04am,

tonight im setting up a table at my church's craft thingy. wheeee! hopefully i make some money- i think i will, though, cause i even sold 4 necklaces and 2 hair thingies at bible study. so i've been spending a lot of time on making lots of necklaces.

on wed night i didn't get to bed until 4:30am, so i was awake for 23 hrs. i played hacky sack with someone tripping on mushrooms, painted an ornament, wrote on a drunk guy, saw santa smoking a cigarette, and watched people eat sardines on a dare. randall wussed and wouldn't eat one, but that's ok cause he's a cutie. yesterday at 3am was our 3 month anniv. hmmmm....what else...i can't think of anything. im gonna take pictures now.

december 5, 2001
11:03am,

i was eating some crackers (mmmm, lunch) outside the lab when some big dude is all like,
"hey, gorgeous"
so i was like, "who the hell you callin' gorgeous, Ugly?!"
and he was like, "you trippin', b*tch?!"
and i was like, "hell no!" Haha! actually, i just continued eating and didn't even look up at him. i should comb my hair more often, i think people have really taken notice today of how my hair is no longer one huge knot.
8:02am,

i am not doing well, not at all. lemme tell you why. im here in the lab, the ROACH lab. and i saw a dead roach this morning. i've got all my stuff up on my desk so it won't get any roach cooties from the floor. oh my goodness, if i see a live one within 10 feet of me today, i will scream, jump up on my desk, call the office, and tell them im never ever ever working here again. now every single hair that falls from behind my ear to my face is freaking me out, like, "eeeek! a roach!!"

in less freaky news, i had the priviledge of receiving the Backside Seal of Approval from the wonderful people at Waste Management Inc. As the big green, trash truck pulled up I was the recepient of many whistles and this one dude stuck the upper half of his body out the window in appreciation. When I saw that, I looked at him and did my Miss America wave, which he liked. But then I wonder, did turning toward him let him down? I mean, he was catcalling my booty, not my face. Hmmm....I think I'll go check my butt out in the mirror to go see.

december 3, 2001
2:35pm,

scary note:
i just found out this morning that i've been kicked off mommy and daddy's insurance...now im SO paranoid that i'll, like, worst case scenario here. what if....my nipples get infected and fall off?! i get hit by a bus?! what if i piss off my mom and she decides to be horridly cruel and rips all my body jewelry out while i sleep?!? nooo!!! i just have to be really careful, that's all, yeah.....just real careful....
7:58am,

played hackey sack a bunch over the weekend and finally got my two sacks and insense in the mail on saturday. i was with randall from friday until late last night. since the quarter is over now and i'll prolly be spending a lot more time with him now, he bought $101.00 of groceries so i could have whatever i wanted. whenever he wasn't looking, id throw in a box of cookies or a bag of marshmellows, heh-heh.

i had an awesome time at church yesterday and at bible study friday night. i really like dave's church and ive decided that i really like koreans, too. see dave, what a nice people. i haven't been taking care of my nipples at all. topless hackey sacking is not the best idea, not only cause there's the danger of being hit, but because it hurts when the jewelry moves around like that.

Ooooh! and i folded this big dude's laundry! he was a 38 waist. i needed the dryer, but dude's junk was in it. so i stalked out the dryer and sat in the basement until dude's cycle was done (45 min) then looked around. i prayed to God that the clothes wouldn't belong to a psycho and i then quickly pulled them all out. when i saw the XXXL shirts and pants i quickened my pace in fear of the giant who owned these clothes. then i quickly shoved my basket in and ran upstairs. later when i came down, i saw big dude looking all confused at his clothes in a neat pile on the dryer. when he turned and saw me he jumped back and grabbed his chest with his hand and gasped really loudly. i guess im a little scary to enounter in a dark, empty basement washroom.
Boo!