[December]

December 23, 2000
Had to fix my guestbook- hope no one saw that horrid page I made as a freshman.

I finished all my work in about an hour and he hasn't found anything for me to do yet. So I'm going through the 60 some e-mails I have. Most of them are spam. I hate that. It's embarassing to have to delete all that porn when im at work.

Yesterday, I got mad at a lady at the mall. My mom said, "Do you hear that?" There was some lady yelling at her kid and using the "f-word" a lot. the kid was like 1 1/2 yrs old. Then she grabbed him and yanked him toward her and he fell so it was more like she flug him across the floor. My mom gasped and then I got pissed.
So I yelled at the lady. She had two or three other kids with her and the oldest was about 14. When I turned back around I hear "She's a retard" and I said,
"What did you say?"
"She's a retard"
"Who"
"She is." Indicating the mother.
"There is no excuse for treating a child badly." And they were laughing. How funnie is it that you call your mom retarded and some little kid is getting hurt? Well, aparently I was pretty loud in my disapproval and my sister left, totally embarassed. My mom didn't, at any point, try to stop my yelling which I took as an approval. Usually, I get in trouble for doing that in public but I guess as long as I pick the right fight it's ok.

Know what? I used to think it was public hair. Until I was in high school. I was like, ew, there's a public hair on the toilet seat!!

I got Chris his gift, but his neck is like 17" so I need a larger chain. I had bought it yesterday. I'm not broke anymore!! Now, I just have to stop stupid, impulsive buying. Like the false eyelashes I bought last night. I look like a showgirl in them and I don't know what possessed me to even consider them.

I dropped off six baby quilts at the fire dept. last night, so I can say I've done something to benefit my community this holiday season. This town is pretty rich, though. I can't think of anyone needy enough to want one. I told that to Chris and he said that esp. in the winter, they use the quilts to keep the people warm. Like, at a house fire they might use it to wrap a kid up and they sometimes keep them in the truck or something. I prayed before I decided to give it to them though, so whatever. They'll use 'em for something.

I almost cut my hair short yesterday. I'm glad I didn't cause those impulse cuts always make me cry afterward. I wanted my hair really short and dyed bright pink, but i have a really round face cause of my indian jawline. I'd look like a boy. I might cut it just below my chin, though. But it's wavy and I look dumb with short wavy hair. What I'll prolly do is grow it long and maybe dye it back. I hope it doesn't fall out.

Someone's parents have been pissing me off. His dad is a jerk and his mom is taking it out on him. I hate that. I want to scream at her. She's turning his grandparents away from him, too. Divorce is between the couple. It should not involve their children this way- where one braggs about spending less on your b-day gift. How stupid is that? And, if you take a call from your dad, that you automatically love him more and she threatens to go to court and sign you over cause she's tired of you. Or your dad threatens to take your mom to court if you don't see him on Christmas. Why couldn't he just ask if you would come over? I'm getting so tired of it and so is he. At first, I think it really hurt him, but now he's seeing that his parents are just being stupid. He's getting pissed off by it.

I'm trying not to get pissed off so much. I have excercises (like, mental not physical) that I'm suposed to use to make sure I don't start fights so much. That one yesterday, though, was totally validated. What idiots. And, I think I've held off on yelling at the parents I was talking about pretty well. I realize that their son is old enough to defend himself and they are going through a hard time. I mostly just stay with my jaw clenched and afterward make sure he knows it's not him, but them that are wrong.

I have 6 more hours of work. yipee.

I stayed up til 5:30am on Friday to make coconut macroons and cookies for my mom's office. They ate all of them 'cept 4 apricot cookies. My mom thinks it's cause noone knew what they were. That night (morning-3am), I was watching PBS as they baked. I saw this documentary about and by a korean woman who was given up by her family to be adopted by an american family. She eventually forgot how to speak Korean and about her birth mother. Until the ghost of her dad flew around her house one day, 25 years later. Anyway, after finding her real family and visiting them, she was told something by her birth mother that I found interesting. (who here is bored reading about this PBS special already?) Her birth mother told her she was not her real mother. A mother is one who raises you and takes care of you. I don't know if it's a culture thing, but I found that so odd. And, she admitted that she felt awkward in that home even though she lived there until she was about 5. It's weird that there was no connection between them. She was so upset. She had gone there expecting to feel this mother-daughter bond and was disappointed. She discovered her real family was the American family.

And, to get to my point, sometimes our fathers are not our fathers. Roles are not designated. You have to live up to it in order to earn that right. Our father is the male figure in our life that provided support, protection, and love. So, I've decided to evaulate the people in my life and give them names, not by birth right, but by who they really are. Mother, father, sister, friend... And this way, there is no awkwardness or dissapointment. Does this make sense? I have a habbit of only making sense in my own head.

For a bit I thought this might go against some bible verse, but then I remembered when God/Jesus/Someone said that for the children who didn't grow up with their birth fathers, that guy was not their real father. He said that God was the kid's father. Why? Because God loved that child and took care of him. So, I'm taking this as some sort of support for what I'm gonna do.

Ok, I might be back to write again today. I'm gonna go work on those e-mails again.

I don't like editing without the comfort of Photoshop. What if I want to edit a pic or create something? That's why no other part of my page is really changing. I have to get back to school and my wonderful programs. I want my own domain cause gurl sucks, but I don't know what I'd get. I really want my name, but because it's rare, I might get stalkers. You know, since I'm so super cool and all.

Someone just asked for my addy, whoo-hoo!!

Can you tell I'm out of ideas? I'm gonna go see Chris on my lunch break now. I hope he has food.

December 20, 2000
OK, swiped my mom's card so I can write.

I'm getting a digital camera for Christmas, so I'll make up for the lack in writing with pics. I really need to do something with my hair first. I want to go back to my original color, but everyone else wants me to keep dying it. It's like noone loves me for me. I keep telling them my hair will prolly fall out if I do this one more time.

Chris and I are doing well. He's 18 now. His mom thinks we're gonna get married and that's pretty much what everyone else thinks, too. For some reason, though, I keep thinking about Anthony. Not like as a b/f, but just thinking about him. I wish he was happy. I wish he had a g/f. He SO cute- like josh hartnett (sp?) and a Christian, and he doesn't care what anyone thinks about him and he's funnie and does well with children and he's just so wonderful!! He has a wonderful body cause he skates so he's all lean and hard. And he's tall. PERFECT. So why doesn't he have a girl yet? It's frustrating cause then he wonders why he's alone and thinks he's a terd or something. And he tells me he'll wait forever for me. If he's with a girl, he'll leave her for me. He'd stay here instead of moving to S.C. He found out Monday that someone bought their house, so he's here for another month. His grandma had a heart attack, too, on Monday. I wish he was happy.

I'm almost done with the quilts I'm making everyone. I made two for myself. One is a picnic quilt. Red and white checkers. It's SO cliche, I love it!! I can't wait to take it to the park this spring. I also found a place to take the baby quilts I made. The fire department is gonna pass them out this Christmas. Some poor kid will be dissapointed to get my quilt instead of a pokemon, I bet.

Been losing weight and I don't know why. Been eating like a pig. I did, however, excericse three days last week. This has been a continuous loss, though. Since high school, I've gone from an 8 to about a 2. My parents thought I was anorexic, then depressed, then sick. And, because I'm such a hypochondriac and I take a lot of science classes, I self-diagnose myself with everything. For a while I really though I had colon cancer. Then I thought maybe it was a tape worm (i know im stupid, you don't have to tell me). Now, I think I've got some unknown condition where my body just cannot digest most stuff so it's going right through me. Some part of me knows I just have a wild imagination so I've never had to be embarassed by a Dr. setting me straight on all these diagnoses.

Hmmm, been a lazy bum, mostly. Only a week and a half until my crazy life begins again. I'm trying to condition myself for it. This time, I won't stress out. I will go to class. I will take everything lightly. I will not start fights. I will not be known as the girl who can't be scheduled in the busy labs because of her tendency to start trouble. And, I will DO MY HOMEWORK. It's the new me, world.

Ha-ha. I say this every quarter. But I MEAN it this time.

I gotta go soon. My house is trashed and I'm having bible study there tonight.

I need to start excercising again. I plan on wearing short skirts this summer. And I wanna look all muscular. Like I could kick butt. I like looking tough. Not muscle magazine tough (gross!) but Gwen Stafani tough. She could beat me up, but is still girly.

I'm also still confused about what I'm gonna do in the future. I'm kind of thinking about design school. The word "school" is freaking me out though. I'm 21 and have been attending school forever, now. I don't wanna go for another few years. But, I'd love to be a famous designer. I think I have the name for it. I have a definite sign from God. My only work now is to understand it correctly and then just do it. I must re-read Proverbs 31, again.

Ok. I'll try to be back again before Sat.

December 16, 2000
oh my goodness, a week w/o a comp. the one at home has a mysterious password no one knows, so it's no use. and i lost my library card last year, so i can't use theirs. plus, i haven't been to campus in a while.

i already know most of what IM getting for christmas. TWO pairs of black boots to my knees (i know cause i had to be there to try them on and all), some cool clothes, and almost everything i have on my list that's on the fridge.

i ended up getting chris a video game for his 18th b-day (wed dec 13). 4x4 EVO- supposed to be good. was the last purchase i was able to make before going COMPLETELY broke. I now owe up the wazoo with $0 in funds.

i just found out my grades, i thought i failed 3 and aced one, this is what i actually got:
Bio C-
Span B-
Organ Chem E (no such thing as an F)
PoliSci B+

sO, i don't have to hurl myself off a building. wasn't too bad.

im working 33.5 hours a week once school starts again, so i should be able to catch up with debt. been quilting a bunch and sleeping in.

'rents are in Minnesota visiting family so i had to baby sit my sis's party last night. they didn't do too much so chris and i fell asleep in her room upstairs. we're such bores. we sleep like old people

gotta go cause im at work. im gonna swipe my sis's lib. card so i can do some decent writing this week.

oops, we're closing, i've really gotta go now.

December 9, 2000
I was NOT supposed to come in to work this morning. I am PISSED that Eric and David decided what I would be working without even telling me until 9am this morning. I really want a new job. This blows. I sit here and type in data all day long. I had to cancel an appointment I had today and I won't get to see Chris til, like, 10pm.

This job sucks. All I do is type in people's addresses.

Oh well.

I baked 3 dozen cupcakes yesterday. And I quilted and did laundry. Then I went to the mall with a couple of friends and bought hoop earings and a leopard print bra from Fredericks of Hollywood.

When I think about it, I'm tired of my other job, too. They tell you to do something and then don't have the authority to back up those actions. I also hate law students. They're such pricks and they all have attitudes and think they're better than anyone else.

I had a dream last night that Chris had called in a request to a radio station and dedicated it to a girl named Rebecca. I asked him who that was and he said it was someone he just met at work and only a friend. But the song was like, "Girl, won't you be mine?" I was PISSED. I was arguing with him and it was just like when Theron would always lie to me and then make up stories. I HATED THAT. It was frustrating and you knew he was lying. He would make up a new story when you proved the last one wasn't true. I hated dating him. He made me lose trust in other people. If there was one person I could change ever having dated, it would be Theron.

I'm in such a bad mood. I feel clausterphobic and my clothes feel too tight and everyone is pissing me off. I don't know what I'll major in or do when I graduate. I'm tired of working. I want that sewing room already. I want to know where all my money is going and why I'm in so much debt all of a sudden. I would really like a case of amnesia. I want to forget work, my bills, my indecisiveness, theron, how much I hate Chris's exes, this feeling that he could be cheating on me because of the mistrust from Theron, that dream I had last night, Jake, Gabriel, Joy, all my addictions, and everything that's brought me up to this point.

I'm so bored, bored, bored.

I wish this place would burn down. Then I wouldn't have to come back next week.

I keep trying to meet with that lady to finalize what I think God said to me, but 4 out of 6 meetings, she canceled or didn't show up. Maybe God wants me to meet with someone else. His sign was pretty clear, but I'm so confused, still. I have no idea where I'm supposed to start. I want to take some night-time Alka seltzer then crawl into bed and sleep til tomorrow. Or empty my bank account and spend it on meaningless junk at the mall.

I'm also mad that, although these are all very real feelings, they are greatly magnified by the fact that I'm PMSing. Because it's NOT FAIR. Everything I feel is now decredited because of that.

I'm gonna go type in more crap and plan lunch with Chris.

December 6, 2000
In an hour and a half, I'll take my last final. Afterwards, I'm gonna scan some pics. One of them is a "Horrible Moments in Hair History" contender.

I can't WAIT til tomorrow! No more getting up at 5:30am!! Whoo-hoo! I'm gonna be snuggled under layers of quilts with two kitties keeping my feet warm. And maybe a doggie.

I'm a little upset. I spent $120 on a couple of books for O. Chem (which I never even used) and the bookstore didn't want to buy them back. I'm gonna try some other places today, and they had better pay me for them. I need some cash for Chris's presents. His b-day is next week.

I've thought about what I'm gonna get him, and this is what I'm choosing from:
A video game (hate them- but a guy suggested this...)
Eternity or Candies for Men
A gold or silver cross necklace.

I want to get his sis a bible just cause she doesn't have one and what if she decides she wants to read it one day? I think she should at least have that option. But that's a hard gift to give. I don't want her mom to feel bad like she let them down in raising them. And I don't want the mom to think I'm looking down on them because they weren't raised in a church or really talking about God. Plus, it would be awkward for her, ya know?

But I suppose it has to be done. I want to give Chris a new one, but he likes the old one I gave him. I had found it in a lost and found and I loved it. I took it to Germnay with me, too. Plus, the person before me had left notes in the margins and it's neat to see what they highlighted and thought was important.

He said he likes it better cause it has things already pointed out, but I thought he might want a new one to mark his own stuff in.

I kinda missed it for a while, but I bought another one, instead. I like paperback bibles. Not as heavy. Plus, they're usually student bibles with cool stuff inside. I just feel bad that he has this third-hand ratty bible. Like, I did a bad job.

Oh well. I should study now and write more later when I'm scanning.

Ciao

I also ate but I'm still feeling dizzy. I might try eating an apple, but I'm afraid it may be the computer. Pretty computer, I'm sure it's not your radioactive rays making me feel sick.
*pets computer*

So, I've got lots of quilting to do after bible study tonight and some time to think about my career. I'm thinking of making this web page where I can have articles and craft ideas and quilting stuff and fitness advice and recipes. (Sorry for all the "and"s, I just kept getting new ideas.) But with a definite Chrisitan undertone. I could have a couple of banners (even though banners are evil)and that could pay for it. I don't understand how I would be paid, though. As in, where does the mula to buy my Jag come in?

I don't want to end up a Customer Sales rep, NO!! Someone save me from this indecision!

Sorry, panic attack.

I'm gonna have to eat that apple now. Go look at my pics. They're not super-fab, but they were laying around and I finally got some scan time in.

December 5, 2000
You'd think the cold would be a deterant. But aparently not. As the bus drove by a few contruction workers, this one man had his butt showing. His flesh was pink and raw from the cold winds and you'd think he'd invest in some suspenders.

I baked cookies last night and they were pretty good. I got the recipe from Get Crafty but can't find it now. It's in there somewhere. I used strawberry preserves instead. If you make them, they don't turn a golden brown. I left them in the oven for a long time thinking they would- they don't. Plus, I would have preferred MORE of the strawberry stuff. My mom said not to add a lot cause it would bubble over, but the cookie gets bigger in the oven and your fruit won't bubble over.

Here's the recipe:

Combine all 'cept jam.
Mix until dough becomes creamy.
Roll into balls and place on un-greased cookie sheet.
Place thumb in center of each cookie.
Place jam in thumbprint. (I recommend LOTS)
BAke at 350 degrees F on high rack for 10 min.
makes 24

I'm gonna make some more. I only got one cause my family ate them all. I also used Rasberry sugar-free preserves, and that worked well, too. I thought they would suck cause I hate Nutra-Sweet (used it anyway for my 'rents) but you couldn't tell once they were made.

Anyway, this morning I came to the conclusion that being depressed sucks. So does being mad. Someone said the way out of that is to say, "Is this the best feeling I can be feeling right now?" and you're suposed to say, no, why don't I just be happy? Well, when I'm mad, I'm not gonna fall for it. The big voice beats up that wussy voice. What do I want more, to feel happy, or to invoke revenge?
REVENGE!!!
So, I came up with a new plan. I'll MAKE myself be happy. Like, make a notebook of my favorite magazine ads and comics and funnie pictures- whatever makes me laugh. Then, I can just pull that out whenever I start thinking about how I failed 3/4 of my classes this quarter, and I won't go out and kill someone.

Ok, I'm gonna do a little surfing now.
Ciao.

December 4, 2000
You know what it is? IE V.5.0 The new version is what's not letting me edit.

Hmmm, I've gotten myself into QUITE a financial pickle. Last weekend, I could have SWORN I had $800 in the bank, last Friday, I only had $40. I am, like, so upset. I did NOT spend $760 last week. This means, my Discover payment can not be made. I now have a late fee and a permanant Scarlet A on my credit history. What pisses me off even more is that I'm always at work til 5pm and never near a phone, so how am I supposed to go talk to them?! Man! I'm so lazy that things like this never get fixed; like when the AMA jips me on my paycheck. I'm too busy and have too much to worry about without these added extras. I wish I had a scholarship for school, I could pay off Discover and actually study some. Which reminds me, I think I've failed 3 of my 4 classes this quarter.

I hate school. I wish I could just marry a rich man. I'm serious. Then, I could do whatever I wanted, like quilt all day and work online. I don't want a career or a boss or a dress code. How depressing school is. I don't WANT to enter the work force. All these losers around me can DEAL with being the working monkey-clone. They want to work. That's why you go to school. Not me. I'm just here and I'll prolly never graduate cause I'm thinking of changing my major again. Every time I get dedicated to something, something else stops me. Mostly me. When it comes to something I don't want to do, I can be SO stubborn and NO ONE can make me do it. Like go to class, study, do homework, clean...

And of course, like every quarter, next quarter will be different. I'll go to class, study, do homework when it's assigned, excercise, make my bed daily....And I will, for a week. Then, I become me, again. I don't want to graduate. But I don't know why.

Oh, well.

I'm getting a pomerainian poodle. My dad doesn't know. I'm gonna keep him in my room all the time with the music up so noone hears him bark. I have to get the cats used to sleeping somewhere else first so that they don't fight. It belongs to Chris, but his apartment doesn't allow animals and his dad will take it to the pound. He needs a haircut very badly. His urine gets in it and his food, too. It's disgusting the way the dad is keeping it. His size literally doubles when his hair is long.

I hate the midwest. Everything here depresses me. No mountains, hills, valleys, blue skies, ocean- nothing inspiring. And I have allergies the majority of the year. It's always humid. And the skies are ALWAYS grey. I look around and see nothing but people that have been here their entire lives and have accomplished nothing. And all the kids are so vain and materialistic. You see this and hate life. Because you think this is what life is. What is there to look foward to? A stupid desk job with a large company. Customer Service cause I'm bilingual. Every single day. Nothing but cornfields to drive by. I want to live somewhere I would vacation to. Like the Carolinas or Texas. Something by an ocean or mountains or with beautiful, green praries that horizon with pink, purple, and blue skies at sunset. I'm tired of looking up and not seeing anything but a different shade of grey.
This sucks, sucks, sucks.

I'm gonna go try to be happy. But I'm not looking foward to the cold, grey outside. There's nothing to do here. Maybe I'll go shopping. Fill this hole in with some material possesions. There's a solution.

I hate exam week. It depresses me so. Must not think about it. It's because I'm feeling guilty. I haven't attended lectures since the midterms. And am I frantically studying to at least get a D on these exams? No. So there's this guilty gnome inside of me making me feel horrible and I'm trying SO hard to ignore him. I just have to get through two more days. Why, oh why wasn't I born studious?

December 1, 2000
I’m having to do this in Word cause Gurlpages and IE are being butt-monkies today.

If I eat too many Luden’s Wild Cherry Throat Drops, is that considered Od-ing? Mmmmm, just like candy.

Lots has happened since I wrote last. I got mad at someone wed night. They were being so unappriciative and stupid. It wasn’t my business, though, so I could only sit in the corner and listen. In a year I will have a say. And it’ll be harsh. I’m gonna take Chris away. He’ll be mine and he’ll never have to see his asshole father again. He won’t have to see any of them again. He’s so wonderful and none of them get that. They say horrible things and practically tell him that he’s not worth keeping around. Since they don’t want him, I’ll keep him. Let them finally get what they want- to be all alone. They’ll then realize just what they had been doing all along but I won’t feel sorry for them AT ALL. I won’t take their calls and if I have children, I won’t let them see my kids. I’ll completely cut them off for what they’ve done and tell them it’s what they said they always wanted.

Probably this summer. Chris will be out of school and 18 and I will be a year away from my bachelors. Maybe get a better job by then. One that will require REAL work, but will at least pay better.

Yesterday was icky, too. I skipped lecture so I wouldn’t have to come into the city. Around 9:30am, an officer called. He asked if I’d had an "update" on my bro. Thinking they were talking about the financial sh*t he’d gotten himself into, I said no, but that he could call my mom. Went back to sleep.
Around 10am I woke up scared out of my mind. THERE WERE FOOTSTEPS DOWNSTAIRS!! Big ones. Man footsteps. I put some clothes on and run to the stairs.

"Who’s down there?!" Yeah, like a burglar would tell me.

"It’s me." Just my dad. Whew.

Why isn’t he at work? He came to the bottom of the stairs and looked "weird". He said my mom had gotten a call and the Navy had said my bro was in an accident. That he had hit a dear with his mustang. My dad said people can die from that.

My mom rushes in from the city and we’re calling every hospital in PA. Calling every county’s police station trying to get some info. Finally, things begin to clear up.

The Navy didn’t call my mom to tell her about the accident, but to get an UPDATE. Early this morning, a woman called and said it was his mother. She initially reported this news. My mom had just found out- she never called anyone.

So, a million long distance calls later, my bro is finally found. It was not pretty.

I can’t believe I actually prayed that he was ok. That I was actually scared for him. He made my parents cry and he made them scared.

Well FUCK him, cause I don’t have a brother anymore. He’s a LIAR, and a CHEATER. He lied to the bank, to the Navy, to his wife, to his parents, and so lied to me.

For all I care he can stay with that whore in VA cause he is not welcome in our home.

My mom was so upset she couldn’t go back to work. Chris and I took her to Popeyes and JoAnns. She was so quiet and listless for the rest of the day. She hugged me a lot, saying what a wonderful child I was. And she made a nice supper with candles and all. They had cheesecake and wine for desert, but I was much too full. Instead, I went to Chris’s and helped him with some homework.

We also saw House on Haunted Hill again, which is the scariest movie in the world.