archives
november
november 30, 2001
so i guess this is the part where i describe what i did yesterday.
all morning i was so nervous that i was actually nauseous. i almost changed my mind just because i didn't want to puke on the guy that was gonna do it, but the closer 2pm came, the more i got over it. as i sat on the couch going through pictures of people with pericings, tattoos, and body staples i actually asked, for the first time, "now, why am i doing this?" and i had no answer. so i thought of just walking out, but then randall came in and i didn't wanna look like a wuss. i think i went through it just so people would see that i wasn't afraid of the pain.
they asked me a million times if i was ready for this, but i don't think you're ever ready for extreme pain and i told them to just hurry up and get it over with already. i also requested that if i passed out, to just pierce them while i was unconscious before trying to revive me, but unfortunately i was awake for the whole thing. so i took my shirt off and asked randall to turn around, but he claimed b/f rights to watch.
finally, after taking everything out of it's sterile packages and marking my nipples with a toothpick and ink, he took the needle out of its case and came close. he grabbed my nipple which, by this point, was really scared and got all hard, i suppose out of fight or flight syndrome. he brought the needle up beside me and i could feel a slight prick.
after they were both in the piercer congratulated me on taking it better than most people. i didn't make any noises, flinch, or even make any faces even though it hurt like a mofo. as soon as randall and i got home i threw my shirt off cause "OW!" they were sore. the left one bled a bit but the right one has been a perfect angel. today i can't even feel any pain unless im pushing down on them and i even got to wear a bra. go me!
so anyway, i absolutely love them, but i would not advise anyone on earth to ever get them. cause it HURTS.
november 29, 2001
30 more min of work, 1 hr 48 min of class, and then im walking over to the piercing place and meeting randall there. i haven't decided what color beads i want in the rings, though. maybe something girlie like pink.
go take this purity test, now, you have been given your mission.
last night went really well. we had almost 20 people and one new guy. everyone seemed to be in a really good mood and we all joked around a bunch and someone even did the dishes for me afterward, so i was happy. plus, afterward this girl stayed after to say that my words had really spoken to her and she was finding encouragement through my own experiences which is awesome cause i always kinda doubt whether or not i even make an impact on their lives with the things i say.
i was also advised by a former piercee that the hole in your nipple will stay there long after the jewelry comes out. and my sister's b/f had his ripped out in a mosh pit and now his nipplies are all dangly. but im trying not to think about these things or the extreme pain the chica was describing. im sure it'll be nothing. then i got a phone call at 4am from randall. we talked for awhile and once he knew how tired i was he decided to play mind games. he asked me some weird questions just to see what i would say. i only remember something about girls vs. guys and i don't think i gave a very nice answer. i know it involved pornography, but you just shouldn't ask me things when i can't think.
november 28, 2001
i hate that!! ahh! i hate when im following links around and all of a sudden i accidently enter a "bad" site. especially when im at work. i was at this tattoo page and was following these spanish links when i clicked on one and saw this warning flash by warning: adults only! and i was all like, Noooooo! and closed the screen really quickly. now everyone will think im a perv. ugh.
so tomorrow would seem to be the big day. as long as everything goes alright (randall's oral) then im gonna walk into that place, plop myself down in the chair, have two rings of metal pushed through my nipplies, and then im gonna pee my pants right there in front of everyone.
and possibly faint. actually, i doubt i'll faint. the peeing seems possible, though.
i've written two poems. they aren't very nice, and i don't really feel like putting them up, but im going to anyway just because.
realization
and then the other poem:
haiku you
how am i supposed to convince you to not get high when you have no conviction of it? it's your body, you can do what you want. why do you even ask me? so that i stay awake until 2am to call you and see what you've decided to do? i stayed awake and prayed most of the night and just thought. i can't pray for what i want you to do, so i just made sure you wouldn't be alone and prayed that a conviction would come- even if you have to fall a hundred times to get it. and im glad you called even though i don't know why you did. you told me yourself you don't belive it's bad. that it won't take you away from Him because you take God with you when you smoke. and you ask if i'll hate you. i can't hate you without hating myself. nor can i for who you are by nature. i can't hate you for feeling temptation for even Jesus was tempted, but i will be disapointed if you give in. you are at a greater place than you were before, though, so your fall will be 100 times worse. If you do, you will have lost the battle, but God has already chosen for you to be victorious in the war. i can see what a lifestyle of excess can mean for humans. when your resources of time and money exceede what you need it is hard to direct the extra treasures into non-selfish things. we suddenly face desicions we wouldn't otherwise be forced to make. and our lack of conviction scares me. i know what my sin does to me, even sins that i don't understnad like *****. with it, im someone else. my words, actions, and perceptions are not my own. i now see your weaknesses, i don't guess i ever thought you were perfect, but now i see your struggles and i see you fall. and i don't think less of you- i can't, you're just more human to me, more real, and ive learned more about who you are.
november 27, 2001
lemme tell you why im upset. as large a university as this is and as much money as it rakes in from it's stupid sports, you'd think they could buy decent copiers. yesterday, i tried to Xerox my face twice and the page came out almost all black!! you could see my lips and that was it. it's absolutely despicable that this school has supplied its students with top of the line crap. now how am i gonna get a decent copy of my face? huh?! they don't provide that at kinko's, sista.
i almost cried at the store on sunday. i hate our drive of consumerism. it absolutely disgusts me that people just don't get it anymore. the christmas season is depressing me and everywhere i look is another person desperately trying to please another by spending money. money, money, money. that's what it's all about, now. parents who just can't afford to get everything their child wants are weighed with horrible guilt and inadequecy. children who can't understand a family's financial situation think they're unloved or just act like selfish little brats. people growing short with their tempers fight for certain toys, parking spaces, and to move ahead in the line more quickly. stressing out over meals, guests, getting cards sent out, blah,blah,blah! all this that wrecks people's nerves is a self-created chaos. you can't blame it on the season. get down to the absolute basics and you're celebrating Jesus's birth. alright? and that's how im celebrating it. im trying to completely take myself out of the equation and asked my parents not to get me anything. i don't wanna worry about my parents driving all around the city trying to find the right things to satisfy me cause it won't take any material possesion. and i don't want the anticipation and greediness of wondering what i got. also, i think it will allow me to concentrate more on other people this year. but on sunday, when my parents were buying lights and left me gaurding the cart in some corner, tears came to my eyes as i watched so many people running around on a tight schedule looking for the things you just can't buy.
yesterday was different, though. as my mom and i were at the store, we bought three gifts to donate to the fire station for needy kids. they were really cool gifts, too. and that made me feel better. the cashiers were really nice, too, which made me really happy cause it's rare to see a smile anymore.
i totally forgot that i was accepted into the first design program over the weekend. i still have another school to hear from and two more to apply to. it's gonna be so cool when i move away to another school next fall. i've decided that wherever i live will be filled with art done by my friends. i have this one painting a friend did of me in an art class which is cool cause he got an A and it's me as a cartoon. next i've decided that i want a really cool sketch done. i want it to be kinda funnie, like posing like the chica in Titanic, but at the same time to be good work. i asked randall if he would do that last night and he already agreed. so, yeah.
i went shopping with dave last night and made another necklace because i felt guilty about having spent so much money. i paid 90-some dollars in court fees and fines, bought hackey sacks and insence, and a black sweater. not smart for someone who is in the final weeks of classes and STILL has not paid this quarter's tuition....
november 26, 2001
oh, and i've been very happy with randall lately.
plead no contest in court this morning. got a fine and 2 points on my record, but the judge was really nice about it.
right before my trial i slept in a parking garage for 2.5 hours in 40 degree weather. i dreamt that randall had posed nude for some kind of calander and i had found it at a store like odd lots. at this store i was also buying hacky sacks and incense so when i woke up i bought 60 sticks and 2 sacks online from these guatamalen people.
november 25, 2001
ugh. i can't tell if i feel horrible or if what i feel is horrible. i've been collecting adresses from people i haven't seen in a long time so i can mail them the zine and among e-mails announcing 6 mo. pregnancies (yeah, crys!), new jobs, and marriages was one from an ex. this guy and i used to be really serious and after we broke up, he continued to puruse- whatever, i can't think of the right word- marriage, a relationship, something. and i think that in the back of my head he was always my escape hatch. if nothing else went through, i could always call him up and we could be married within a month. but today i found out that all my praying has really worked.
he's finally over me and with someone wonderful; they're living together in the South. and the first thing that came to mind was that i had one less way out. ugh. i don't know if i was serious or not, but that's still bad. im glad he's happy, though, cause he's so awesome and the CUTEST guy i have ever known, but i don't know why i never seriously hooked up with him again after we broke up. oh well. maybe i should stop dicking around with the training wheels and for once really try with nothing to "fall back on". im glad that he'll no longer be an option cause today in church we learned about being tied to the past and hurt which is this recurring theme im seeing. forgiveness, stepping out, and letting go. hmmm...
shhh! so im all alone in this lab right now but there are weird noises. i thought there was someone else in here cause i can here the chairs squeaking like someone's sitting in them. i got out of my seat cause i thought the last girl had left already and there's noone in here....ahhhhhhh!! so im sitting here with the radio, trying not to hear it and trying not to look in the general direction of the ghost chair. all these stone-age macs are kinda scary, too. im such a wuss, you know that? im crouching behing this huge monitor right now and won't even put my feet on the ground. yeah, loser.
anyway, i bought this awesome book i heard about at one of my bible studies last week, "Jesus Freaks" by dc Talk. stories of people who have died for Christ and suffered torture. They're scary cause i know that in that situation, i will be called upon to do the same, but i think i would. i really hope i would. i've already given my career to Him, and soon, I will completely give my relationships to Him. but pain...im a weenie when it comes even to cramps, but if i ever get the chance to die for Christ, I will. i bought this book for encourgement and to be ready and because i get all teary and feel really blessed when i see what others have done for Him. You should read it.
yikes. ok, in addition to ghost chair, there's some kind of floor scraping noise. like a dragging foot. and im all ALONE here, people!!!! being scared makes me have to pee. but im the only person in the BUILDING and the restroom smells funnie and just seems spooky. i could tel you lots more, but i'll leave before you think im the BIGGEST scaredy cat.
oh- and i totally made a dork of myself yesterday. it involved farting, opening windows, and another person- the helpless, sufforcating victim. that's it. im not even gonna tell you if i was the victim or the farter cause i just don't know you that well.
thanksgiving was ok. my mom put jalepeņos in EVERYTHING, though, so once my taste buds were shot, i couldn't even taste anything else. then that night i played topless hacky sack and found out that i suck. i haven't seen anyone that plays as poorly as i do which is why im buying one so i can practice and show randall how im so much better. not that we're in competition. last night we played 4 rounds of Clue with his best friend and he and i each won twice. it was horribly political. we were throwing each other off by hiding cards, misleading other players, and ,uh, cheating. like, 100% of the cheaing was all me, though. but those were the two rounds i lost.
and i got a $75 check for "funky butt lovin" as a joke, but im gonna cash it anyway. i don't think the tellers look at the memo field anyway and even if they do, they shouldn't really care WHAT their customers do to GET their money.
spent most of yesterday with randall's "mom". she was really nice and awesome. her dog really liked me, too, i think cause he kept jumping up to sniff my crotch. uh. right. actually he only jumped up when i had a cookie in my hand, so i guess he doesn't really like me. most of the time he just stared and blew bubbles and left long tendrils of drool on the floor.
so this is my last week of classes. i've got lots to do: three papers, court tomorrow morning (was i supposed to get a lawyer?! crap!!), nipples pierced thurs, finish zine. so i've got to go now to get started. nothing too interesting has happened today anyway, cept for having to go to church and come to work commando. i have my belt on really tight cause they're low-slung jeans and i am not in the proffesion of plumbing.
november 21, 2001
have i mentioned yet that i spent two hours on monday
looking for the lyrics of "i say a little prayer for
you" by dionne warick? cause i did. now that i've
been looking them over, i really wanna rent "my best
friend's wedding" and sing along at the luncheon where
the gay dude breaks out into a seranade. i wanna BE
at a luncheon where we all break out into that song.
i think im gonna pass out copies of the lyrics to my
friends in preparation.
still waiting for my period. i bet you a million
bucks it doesn't come until im on the bus home and
there's nothing i can do about it for an hour.
ooooooh! that would be just like my uterus to do that
to me!! um, anyway...im gonna eat this chalupa that's
just sitting on the table looking all sexy and tasty.
mmmm....lunch.
got to campus 4 1/2 hours before i had to be here, so
i typed up randall's paper for him and then went to
his apartment to sleep. it's so cool dating someone
on campus cause now i don't have to sleep on the
couches in the lounges. that was always weird cause
you have to sleep on everything you own so noone
steals from you. plus, they were made of wood and you
always got a horrible crank in your neck and the
maitenance people looked at you like you were a freak
cause you had a huge pool of drool chilling by your
head. not that I drool, though.....uh...
went to the women's bible study last night which was
awesome. not to be conceited, but i sounded really
smart last night. i kept coming up with all these
verses and stuff and the woman leading it was like,
"well, that was actually my whole study, melida.
sounds like you've hit every point i was gonna make"
but in a nice way. i hope they don't think i think im
better but i doubt they do. im prolly just
uncomfortable with all the talking i did and because
im the youngest one there.
bible study is canceled tonight, so i have nothing to
do cause everyone makes plans the day before
Thanksgiving. so i guess i'll just be waiting for my
period. oooh! i can work on my christmas projects!!
november 20, 2001
everything in my life is going very well right now. i've even got this warm, fuzzy feeling. that may be from the thermal underwear I've got on, though.
my dad made mexican hot chocolate for us this morning and it was yummy! it has cinnamon and liqour in it, hee-hee! the only thing that is kind of "eh" is the whole marriage thing. i mean, yeah, i can see that im prolly not at all ready, but it seems like everyone is getting married. my lil bro has been married over a year (but they're getting a divorce soon(, my lil sis was just proposed to, all my old college girls and guys are married and i'm just barely into a relationship. i'm the one that got the bouquet at the wedding last summer. stupid superstition.
i can't wait til next week cause randall and i are going to the piercing place. and yeah, i really feel queasy about going to a place where they also do tatoos and actually have "two-for-one" days, but it pretty much all comes down to the fact that i can get BOTH piercings plus jewelry for only $45. and i'll admit im gonna feel like such a weirdo having some strange dude put pieces of steel through my nipples, but it's not like im ever gonna see him again. i love piercings. oh! and randall had his labret stud changed to a spike which looks so cool, but hurts to be poked with.
november 19, 2001
oh- i want a cd of Cecila Cruz, a salsa artist. i can be so reserved, you know? and i watched this video today about latin culture and music and i wanna be more open and stuff like the people i saw. even in church, it's hard for me to worship. i wanna work on that and im gonna start by getting that cd and dancing in my underwear. from there, i will then progress to being open in church- clothed, of course. oh, and ive been thinking about who i'll marry a lot lately. and i think im gonna ask God. honestly, ive been afraid that marriage is not in his plan for me or that it won't be randall. not that im all in love with him and am all girlie about him, but i always wonder about the guys i date....like, are they the one?
last night at church i bought a spanish bible, so now i can practice it even more. i have to do 100 hours of community service next quarter in the hispanic community and i decided that im gonna try and do it in a church.
after the service randall and i talked a bunch about different junk. like, about God, relationships, and all that junk. i really liked it, though. i love talking with him. so that's it. today is very boring.
november 18, 2001
Oh! i almost forgot! I'm getting my nipples pierced!! I was gonna do it this thursday, but remembered it's Thanksgiving and they'll be closed, so I have to wait until next week. i talked to them yesterday about scar tissue and stuff and it shouldn't affect breastfeeding at all once i have kids- WAY into the future!!
This morning I was putting my bra on, but I had just washed it so the straps were all tangly. i was fixing them when there was a quick knock at my door and my mom walked in, I was like, "Helllo!!!" but she just looked at me and asked for a barette anyway. she has been such a perv lately.
last night i was in a very good mood. i snuck the basement VCR into my room and went through all my clothes getting rid of a bunch of stuff for charity. when i came to my underwear drawer, i had over 60 pairs!! there were some that i've had for 10 years!!! So I got them down to 37. Pile X is now officially gone. i used to keep old undwear for- uh, emergencies, but i realized how impossible it would be that i would go a whole two months never washing any underwear. i was mostly happy because i had just had a fight with my mom. she was saying how awesome it was that this woman's daughters were in school to be teachers and doctors, but that the poor woman's niece wanted to design furniture. she began making fun of her saying how she would be bankrupt and stuff. then she said, she's lucky she's paying for school herself. i asked my mom, "wouldn't you pay for your daughter's happiness?" but she said, no,
not if it included studying something that is worthless like art. and i said, but mom, what if you're doing God's will? and she said, well, melida, then God had better well give me the winning lottery ticket if im gonna pay for something that stupid. and i was happy, because i stood up to her. because i chose God over her, but it hurts. i can't wait to prove how much faith I have in Him by studying design next fall.
Oh, but as the night went on, I got in an icky mood. this movie called "in the best interest of the children" came on. and it was 4 girls and a baby who were being passed from the care of their mother, foster care, the state, their relatives, and so forth, but at the beginning there was a part where the mom's boyfriend got insanly angry becuse a girl accidently got paint on his couch. he picked her up and took off his belt and took her, screaming, to the basement. at that point my body stiffened and my heart began to pound. i didn't like it. i mean, almost everyone is spanked as a child, but i am SO against it. i cried then. because it was like reliving everything and i felt like i was the one standing up for my little sisters against some stupid jerk who thought he could hit us like that. because i remember being slapped like that. because when he punched me in the stomach and i fell to the ground screaming that i couldn't
breath all that bastard did was say, "you're lying melida. if you couldn't breathe, you wouldn't be talking." and he walked out.
i hate when people hurt kids.
i was up and exhausted until 2am just thinking about that movie and how i desperately want to be different when i have children. how can you value a couch over a human life? happiness is way more important than money. so what if my kid breaks my favorite chair? we can sit somewhere else. maybe i'll give them chores to help earn the money to buy a new one. but i will never force them upstairs to choose a leather belt and make them march to the basement. and i will NEVER make them pull down their pants and lean over the steps, threatening them that the longer it takes to comply, the more hits they'll get. and i will never marry a man who can't understand my beliefs. im not gonna let my children relive my life.
november 16, 2001
im still dizzy. i learned that if you're a squatter and dizzy you may as well just sit on the freaking seat cause there's nothing worse than butt cooties than pee shooting everywhere. i should have braced myself with the door or something. i didn't pee on myself, though, but i was THIS close!!
i get off work in 2 hours and then i get to see randall and i can't wait! i have so much to tell him and show him! and he's so pretty that i wanna just give him a big hug. and maybe a kissie. hee-hee. anyway, im gonna eat something before i twirl right out of my chair. i HATE being dizzy.
ick. i woke up so dizzy i kept running into doors and the wall. im still feeling like im on the merry-go-round.
i watched the Victoria's Secret thing last night and while some of the girls were pretty, i think they were scary more often. Some of them were so skinny it was sick. maybe that's why im so nauseous this morning, too. it's weird how these women are considered beautiful cause some of them had ugly faces. as long as you're tall and thin you can model and they'll just cover your face in makeup. plus, if you met these girls in real life, they'd be like freaks cause they're big boobed giants who bones are showing. watching those girls strut around in their underwear actually made me feel really good about my body so i had to dance around my room in my own underwear. i locked the door, though, my mom has walked in on me enough times already.
in other news, randall and i are doing well, but i got pissed when he dumped a box of cereal on my head. but it tested my anger and i did really well. i've really come a long way since i was with chris and i guess reading those books and all that prayer is what helped. after we dusted all the crumbs off of me he took my Sharpie and drew two moles by my belly button so we could have the same ones and then made up. what a sweetie. but if he pisses me off today, he's gettng Boo Berry down his pants.
november 15, 2001 9:23am,
been working on Christmas presents. gonna be all homemade again, i think. maybe ceot for randall's. i have to think about what i'll get him if we're still together.
about a week ago i decided i wouldn't love anyone for a long time and it makes sense. you don't get hurt that way and you still have time to think about other things. the scary thing is- every single one of your relationships will end with the exception of one. that's a lot of broken hearts. so i thought i would protect myself. there's nothing worse than not being loved back. and i found all sorts of validation for my plan and i talked myself into not loving randall at all but it seems really stupid now. love is always unconditional and i forgot that. you can't play with it or place it in rules. it's not something you should stop yourself from experiencing or reserve for those who really "deserve" it. so that's it. just wanted to say that im just gonna feel what i feel and i'll most likely get hurt, but at least i was honest. and that sounds SO cheesy! but it's true
november 14, 2001 12:05pm, 11:20am,
hmmm. i have nothing to talk about cept i went to bed with a HUGE belly. like sticking straight out. it was pretty weird.
november 13, 2001 9:08am,
oh, and my dad gave me $10 for these pills that you take when you eat so you don't burp and fart. yeah, apparently, people have a problem with me doing this, so now i've got these pills to take. it's kinda funnie. im not sure when to take them though. you're supposed to take them before you eat foods that would "upset" you, but HONESYLY, that could be every flippin thing on God's green earth for me. i think my body is funnie. some people have sexy bodies, some people have strong, or flexible bodies, but mine's funnie. God made mine so I could be his Comedy Central. Ha-ha!! look at melida, she just farted in class when she bent over to pick up that pencil!! or like, whoo-boy, St. Peter, did you see melida and that huge booger that flew out of her nose?! no? here, the repeat will be on in just a few.
7:23am,
first, these pics are huge, but i want the detail to be pretty clear. second- i've only had one experience sending anything other than a letter through the mail, so i'll need a brave soul to help me experiment with the Postal Services. i think a lot of bubble wrap will keep them from messing up. third- well, i can't think of one, so i'll just introduce my latest idea!! on sunday, i was making necklaces when i had these really cool beads left over that i couldn't use for anything, so i just fooled around and made this long thingy. then, i put it on a bobby pin and stuck it in my hair and Voila!! it looked really cool. that night at our church anniversary celebration i wore three of them in my hair and actually had a woman approach me about making her some!! so im gonna sell them. and my necklaces, too, but in case the post office doesn't treat my packages well, i wanna start with these small hair things first. oh- and some of my beads are one of a kind, so the hair charms are one of a kind also. i go to different bead shops always looking for new beads, though. the only thing i KNOW i will always have availale are the feather charms at the end. so, without further a-doo-doo, here are those huge pics: (note- the charms are from 1.5" to 3" this is my guess. the longest ones are 3 cm longer than my middle finger, if that helps.)
the way i wore them is i made these cool little buns in my hair, then stuck these in them so they were really dangly. they were like the hair charms that Geisha wore and i felt very princessy. i should try using bells. anyway, if anyone wants to test the handling of our postal service, e-mail me and we'll see what we can do.
oh yes, and im wearing the most awesome plaid pants today. and they're butt pants. and my morning is going pretty well cept for the blood that keeps going down my throat.
november 9, 2001 1:51pm, 11:39am, 9:00am, 7:36am,
ick. my sister-in-law came over last night with her baby but he's not my nephew. long story. in my whole life ive only held one baby and that was just this past summer. babies scare me. i think it's cause i've never been around them and my mom has made sure i know how horrible there are. she doesn't admit it anymore but she used to hate babies and taught her kids to. that way noone gets knocked up, i guess. but now she just gets really mad when you bring that up.
i can't beleive i feel so crappy. cutting out sugar was supposed to make me feel better. ugh.
november 8, 2001 9:35am,
im gonna find something better to write about. hmmm. im thinking of cutting up all my jeans that don't fit and making a quilt out of the pieces. there. that's my ray of sunshine for today.
7:31am,
chris and i talked last night and i think we're finally good.
my mind is too blank to write. it feels like my brain has been emptying itself this past week. maybe- uh, i can't remember what i was gonna write.
november 7, 2001 3:39pm, 11:38am,
im not lying to you when i say im somehow going stupid. im forgetting stuff and eating off the floor for goodness sake!! i need some of them brain pills. and when i say i forget, i mean i'll open my bookbag and forget why i opened it. i'll go upstairs for something,come down, and realize what i brought wasn't what i wanted. i'll do this 3 times before i come down with the object i wanted in the first place. i wonder if my brain is shrinking.
11:16am,
i asked God for a lot of things last night. and when i began writing, He showed me what i needed for peace.
i dwell on what they did
that was like a big slap in the face i think. we always obsess over how we've been hurt and blah blah blah, but we are not innocent ourselves. as much as i hate someone that's hurt me, someone else is hating me. do i feel i deserve that for my mistake? maybe they don't deserve my hate anymore.
i stayed the night with randall last night cause i had to work late with a group from school. that was a lot of fun; i like hanging out with him.
november 6, 2001 10:16am,
i feel sad. even my leg hair isn't cheering me up right now and i almost shaved off 2 months of progress this morning. i don't like where i am at the moment. my job, my school, this state, my house. blech. everything is not right. and i feel awkward. my words and my body stumble but there's nothing to hold on to. i can barely remember things, too. i hardly ever say randall's name cause 4 others will come into my head before his does. i feel like im getting stupid. i don't feel smart anymore.
and im feeling unpretty, but not in the way most people do. i like my body. i think it's neat. and i like my legs. it's like, they're big, but they're not. there not fat lady big, but in proportion to my waist, they're big. that's why i hate pant shopping. if they fit my thighs, they'll be 4 inches too big in the waist. im not like the normal girls manufacturers make their pants for. but i think they look strong. and yeah, i even like my breasts and i love my back. to me, im pretty. but i think im ugly to other people. sometimes im ok, and there are even days i can be pretty- but i feel ugly to others and then that just messes me up. and im missing the close friendship i had with chris. i don't want to be back with him again, cause that's just impossible and i think ive grown beyond him, anyway, but i want another relationship like that. whether it's a boy or a girl doesn't matter to me. but there are no possibilities at the moment. for some reason, girls just don't like me. i have no girl friends outside of church. and i don't want to wait and see what develops cause i want that relatioship NOW. i won't even be here after the summer.
i dunno. maybe im at some weird stage in my cycle. maybe i should stop being such an idiot and not eat sugar, cause i know it depresses me. blah. i can't think of anything that would make me feel better right now.
november 5, 2001 4:38pm,
i love getting to know him.
and i've got two new pairs of butt pants!! whoo-hooo!!
my mom and i had another "discussion" today. she said i should come into reality. i said she should stop being so negative and simplify her life. then i left. i hate that she starts every morning with something negative. i want to help her cause it's a horrible way to live. and it's hard to be happy around her.
work is almost over and i gotta pee. otherwise i'd stay and say more. but lately i think what i have to say is just too serious.
ok. REALLY have to pee.
12:00pm,
went to court this morning for two separate offenses. both were public urination. Haha! traffic violations. lots to talk about, but haven't figured out how im gonna say it yet
november 2, 2001 11:52am, 10:30am,
im reading Song of Songs in the bible right now- mostly about sex. and im so tired of waiting to be married. on one hand everyone's like oooh! it's so wonderful, blah, blah, blah, but noone acts like it is. all my mom ever does is complain about my dad and i can count on one hand the number of times i've heard her say "i love you" to my dad. when i was little, she always promised us she'd divorce him as soon as she could afford it. in highschool i had to do well so i could "go to college and make lots of money. that way [i] can leave [my] husband whenever i feel like it." that's not marriage. marriage is forever. it's something you do WITH God. my brother is getting divorced, that was just a big joke. but that's what happens when you run in the middle of the night to the justice of the peave with a girl you've known for only a few months. and it's such a stereotypical thing for a man and woman to complain about their spouse. and i hate that. why did they even get married if it's just their "ball and chain"? im so wanting to get married, but to have a REAL marriage. not the cheap substitute everyone seems to be settling for. blah. im also pissed at my mom. she doesn't want me to get married. she would tell me in high school not to even think about it before i was 30. not to be crude, but all my good sex years will be gone by then. and she doesn't want me to have kids. she would say that if we ever did, not to bring them around her cause she's had more than her share of babies. the only person in my family who has ever talked positively about marriage and children and had a WONDERFUL marriage is my grandmother. that's one reason im learning spanish, to learn more from her. i believe she has more insight into me and my future than my mother. i want her to be right, not my mom.
7:47am,
last night my mom confiscated my cell phone. i was asleep so all i remember is
i hate that cause she's my mom. and i wish she would see that God made me a certain way for a reason and ENCOURAGE that. if i was left-handed, would she force me to be right-handed? cause this is the same thing. the world needs the artistic AND the scientific and cannot survive with only one. and i try to tell her, but it always ends up in a fight. i tried on wed to show her what God told me and she always resorts to worldy arguements.
fuck the world and it's values! i could show her a million verses of His promieses but she doesn't have enough faith. i can't wait to graduate this spring and move out. she makes me feel so bad about who i am sometimes.
november 1, 2001 11:00am, 10:08am,
don't you ever get afraid that a bug will crawl into your ear or nose at night? i don't even wanna think about other places they'd wander into. so im doing this MrClean thing in my room and working my way around the three floors of my house. it's gonna take forever, but when i found one in my french vanilla fudge, that was the last straw. (yeah, i ate the fudge anyway cause it woulda been a waste)
i am not your victim, bug-demons!! now go back where you came from! burn in the hell of my halogen lamp (which happens a lot cause they're attracted to the light and the burning smell fills the whole room!). Be sucked into the bottomless pit of despair that is Hoover. And for goodness sake, stop pissing on my house!!
7:51am,
oooh! and i get to see randall today and i have so much to tell him. i even made a list so i wouldn't forget anything. and im gonna tell him about loser-boy yesterday cause even though i didn't wanna give my number, i still did, and that's not good. and im throwing that guy's number away right now.
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