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october 31, 2001

i was looking over my ticket from monday, and the police lady wrote down that i was white like the last time. why is that field even required on a ticket when police officers can't even guess correctly? she could have asked me, but instead opted for ethnic roulette. and she lost. sometimes that makes me feel left out- that my skin isn't as dark as other mexicans or whatever. eh. im in a bad mood this afternoon. im gonna have some candy to cheer up.

im reading these horrible accounts of torture from military-run countries. more specifically what happened in chile with pinochet. what an ass. people had their testicles smashed, fingernails ripped off with pliers, eyes burned out with ciggarette butts, and much worse. this one fishing company had to halt production cause all the fish coming in were FULL of human flesh. chile's NAVY was dropping these people out into the middle of the ocean- alive. even pregnant women were beat and children as young as 12. there's stuff so much worse, but im gonna leave that out right now. im doing research on los desparecidos for one of my spanish classes. it's so horrible to think that people my own age went through this. university students who had done nothing wrong but hold an opinion different from the gov't. and in some cases, people were taken by mistake but killed to avoid investigation. i hate that this goes on in the world and that people suffer like this. i hate that i sit here and worry about crap like returning my library book or seeing my boyfriend. these people lived torture 24/7 and many continue even to this day. ugh. i feel so selfish to have been spoiled in this country. not that i want to be in these people's shoes- because im scared to death of being them, but it's not fair that my life should be so easy.

and that some people get this much, and then waste their life, that's pitiful. i hope i do something really important for God. He's already treated me so well and kept me from so much, i really owe him. not that anything i do could EVER match His love.

if you ever see me in the middle of the winter driving with the windows down, that would be because i tooted. man, there is something i've been eating for the past few years that just should NOT be in my diet!

Now, im gonna do a little assesment- see where i am as far as goals.
Plan A:
1.catch a bouquet at wedding
well, i didn't technically "catch" it, but i sure as heck walked away with it after showing some girl who was boss.

2. get man
check. but we've only been together almost 2 months. i can't scare him yet by taking him cake shopping.

3. have colors/dresses/music...planned
this was done a long time ago. but im a girl. so what?

4. get married.
this is the step that is taking so long.

chris called last night and it was icky. i said a nice goodbye and got a "Whatever!" and he hung up before i even pulled the phone from my ear. he's pissed cause i wanna take being friends slowly. plus, if randall's ex was calling him and REALLY pushing to be friends, i'd be like, "back off, b*tch!!" yes, i know it's not Christian to judge a stranger, but i don't like her. I'll think of a reason later." that's a quote from a country song. yeah, i listen to country sometimes, deal.

plus, he called me a slut last wed at bible study and insinuated that i was a whore friday at a party. he said he was just kidding and it WAS jokingly, but with some kind of force behind his words. it's hard to explain, but i could tell there was some truth and anger behind his facade of a joke.

october 30, 2001


Niagara Falls Pictures

they may take a while to load, but im not in the mood to spend tons of time fixing that. sorry.


just got a bunch of pics scanned in from niagara. gonna put them up in a bit.

i make no sense when im sleepy. when randall called last night, i started telling him what i was wearing because i thought he had asked me if i was naked. i also kept saying, "i love being with you" in the middle of his sentences and then falling asleep. oh, and this morning after i got out of the shower i was in my room trying to decide what underwear to wear. when ever i wear long skirts or kinda tight pants, i absolutely cannot have panty lines cause they're tacky as heck. so i was trying on a rather racy pair of knickers (that are black and sparkly- oooh!) in front of the mirror, when my mom walked right in on me and said, "melida, wake up!" and i was like, "ahhhhh! im NAKED!!" and i covered my boobies as she ran out slamming the door shut. then from opposite sides of the door, we continued our conversation.

october 29, 2001

had an awesome day yesterday. i love going to church. everything is God talking to me. the songs, the message, the people- it's just wonderful.

anyway, i can't remember if im at 7 or 8 weeks, but it's been about 2 months since I've shaved my legs. It's a little over half a centimeter now. that doesn't sound like a lot, but multiply it by a few hundred, and you've got my insanely hairy legs. i really like it. i want it to grow even longer cause im developing this weird fascination for it. once they reach optimal length i'll leave it for a while, then have my legs waxed. this is gonna be so much fun.

as i sat in the back of a police cruiser this morning, i noticed that it is really tight back there. i mean, if i were any bigger, i would have been really uncomfortable. and had we gotten in an accident, i would have had my face inprinted with the squared pattern of the metal partition between the police officer and i. it had that new car smell. sitting next to the guy i hit was really weird. i wanted to make conversation with him, but he was very matter of fact and straight-foward and only spoke to the officer, never me. i felt like a dork because he must've thought i was just some teenager who couldn't drive but if dick-head hadn't stopped like that, maybe i wouldn't be there in that position right then. the lady in the wrecker didn't think i was old enough to drive even.

i was brought downtown today in the back of a police cruiser.

5 car accident in the fast lane. the truck in front of me slammed his brakes, so i did, too. then he let off so i did too, then WHAM! everyone runs into each other. the guys who hit me from behind took off. the lady at the begining of our conga line of death had the bumper of her sports car taken completely off and carried it off in her trunk. it took forever to get the reports done and all. the first thing i did was pray. then i looked around. i had no idea what to do so i just sat in my car until a police man came up to me. i read the bible while i waited. as they towed my van away (cause i leaked something all over the freeway and there was steam or smoke coming from under my hood)i ran up to a policewoman and asked for a ride.

as i was in the back of the cruiser, i tried to look tough as we passed people on the sidewalk. i was hoping to see someone i knew so that i could pretend i had been arrested. a parking ticket, speeding ticket, and a moving citation all in one month.

october 28, 2001

so apparently, as of last night, i have a new boyfriend. My friend MIkes son declared that i was his girlfriend then let me play with his favorite blue Hot Wheels convertible. Im disappointed that Randall didn't stand up and fight for me, but elementary school kids are scary like that, i guess.

i went to a different church today, with Randall and it was DIFFERENT. The thing i loved most was the racial diversity. i've never had that before cept for when i was catholic and it was half white/ half mexican. they all called each other brother and sister and sang the hymns together as they worshiped as one entity. i was in love. but i've encountered their beliefs before and im a bit wary. i dunno. must think about it.

today i am wearing bright, orange shoes cause randall and i traded for the day and im wearing his underwear cause i forgot to bring mine with me. i am wearing men's underwear. i think that is so funnie. im trying to think of someting nice to say, but all that comes up is a convo i had with chris then randall. chris thinks randall and i are getting too close too quickly but at the same time two people have noted that i rarely open up to people and allow myself to be vulnerable. so should i back off or stop pushing away? i need to write. write everything in my brain then once it's out, arrange the thoughts into some kind of logical idea. so im off to my other journal. the one that has my most horrible secrets. not really. it's just stuff that bothers me that i don't feel like burdening people with.
got lots to do today. after i read my bible at work today, im hanging with randall and his dad then going to church again. kissies.

october 26, 2001

i am feeling very creative today

how's this for freaky- when i walk, my thighs don't touch, but my KNEES do. what kind of a big-kneed freak am i?!

i really wanted to write this today, but it's very personal. at the same time i think it's powerful. it talks about God's will for me. it's kinda long so you'll have to go over here.

now that i think about it, i think my mom saw me naked once. well, duh, she changed my freaking diapers, but i mean recently. i get tangled at night. when i wake up my blankets are all over the place and usuallly turned 180 degrees. i stopped wearing nightgowns 4-5 years ago cause they twisted around me so many times that they were up to my ribs. then pants started giving problems a couple years ago. each pant leg would twist up, usually in opposite directions and it would make my legs half hot, and half cold. shirts did the same thing. eventually i was down to my knickers until the wedgies got unbearable. just so you know that i don't sleep sans clothing because i think im some sex kitten with her silk sheets. yeah right. i think i fart in my sleep anyway, and we know that's not sexy. i just do it so i won't feel all clausterphobic. i hate when stuff touches me, like clothes. ANYWAY, the only day i sleep in (sat) my friend Mike came over to run errands with me but i was still in bed, so my mom walked right in screaming my name and i turned around and was like "EEEEEEK!!!" and pulled the covers up (which had already worked their way down to my knees). Ugh, my mom saw my cootchie. i think im gonna be sick.

only three more days to go. i can't STAND periods. so today im gonna have to start out with some negativity, but i'll try and end on something nice.

i was late to work this morning for the first time EVER (cept this one time that doesn't count) in over 3 years. i had to park in a parking garage that will cost me $6.50 because this school is so stupid and big that you have to take BUSSES to the campus from the freaking parking lots!! AND i got a notice yesterday saying i owe a balance on that $80 speeding ticket i paid! AND im mad at myself for messing up and accidently kissing chris's neck when we hugged even though it was only a split-second before i pulled away and apologized. i even talked to him on the phone to tell him it was an accident and im not telling him anything nor leading him on. plus, i've got sharp pains in my chest right now. the kind you get when you can't inhale cause that's when it hurts. i don't like my outfit this morning, my back hurts, i've got a ton of homework, i have a pending $300 fine from the university from a mistake THEIR clerk made which may force me to drop out. if i drop out there's no way im finishing the degree before Fall when i transfer to design school. my room is messy again, my stupid stomach hurts, and i didn't even get to say bye to randall this morning cause i was LATE!


Now for something pleasant.
i found this really cool coat from the early 80's, but it's not even cold enough to wear it today.

october 25, 2001

taught about forigveness last night and i think it helped a lot of people. this morning when i got ready to go to school, i even found a card in my bookbag that someone had slipped in last night, thanking me for bringing that to light.

after the lesson part, i read this thing i had written. at first, i had planned on writing it only for myself, but forgivness is such a personal thing, that i couldn't leave it at having only given some bible verses. i had to show them that it is hard, but possible. everyone thought it was a poem i had taken from somwwhere but i was like, nope, it's just what i feel in my heart.

lately i've been in the bad habit of calling randall "baby doll" or "baby". i had called chris "babe". i need to find some more masculine things to call b/f's.
1. butch
2. stinky
3. pork rind
4. manly man
5. cutie pie =)

so im gonna try these out these week to see which ones just kinda stick to him.

october 24, 2001

randall thinks he looks like a dork in these. but i still think he looks cute. of course, i didn't even wear makeup so i came out looking 14. but i don't care cause i LOVE these pictures!! i had to mess with them a bunch cause the originals were so crappy. canada is awesome, but their photo booths suck!
so enjoy!





i totally freaked out this morning. my memory has really sucked recently. honestly, i'll forget things after a few seconds. i went "potty" this morning and then flushed. i turned to the shower and turned it on to get the water heating up. as soon as i turned away from the shower i heard a large amount of water splashing down and thought,
oh my god! the toilet is overflowing!!

then i started laughing when i realized i had turned the shower on. what a doofus.

i saw randall for a bit yesterday. he bought me a concordenance that i can use for my bible which is awesome cause it shows he cares about my body (bought me butt pants) and my spiritual growth (bought me something to help me with my bible studies). he's so awesome. then he came over this morning at 2am to watch devil's advocate. this morning when we woke, we talked about faith versus good works and how sometimes people try to decieve you in the name of "God". i skipped class to go to walmart with him, too, and drop off our canada film.
oh, and he brought clean clothes to my house to wear today, but (he prolly doesn't want you to know, but it's my page. not his) he forgot boxers. so he's wearing my underwear today!! whoooooo!!!
it's just a pair of boxers i happened to have, though, so don't get all excited, ok?

october 23, 2001

i think i just need to take control of everything. get my room cleaned, my laundry done, those applications sent, caught up on my homework...i need to excercise and balance my checkbook and not allow anything to control me or how i feel. cause i have the power to change anything i want and if i feel like shit, well, then im gonna change that.

and it's not just my environment that i need to work on. i need to stop running away and leaving people and situations hanging without a conclusion. im calling up my exes cause everything is over. burning bridges. all debts settled. then it's on to forgivness. forgiving all the jerks in my life who've fucked up my present. then, im gonna move past them and realize that i don't have to let them make me feel anything at all. weak, scared, unfulfilled, alone, hurt- nope, no more. if i don't want to feel it, then i just won't. so ha! take that! you too, grandpa. i don't even care anymore that you don't love me, don't know my birthday, that i love God, or that im an awesome person. because you were never my grandfather. you're just the person who screwed grandma- inconsequential to me and my life; just an old man whose opinion i used to care about. and you, too. i hate what you did to me. i hate that you've messed up my perceptions, my relationships, and my memory. i hate that you split me into two persons. i hate that i now have to deal with becoming one person again. but, forget you. cause look at you and your life now. you're the one screwed up and im the one who's moving on.

my goal for the day: screw everyone else cause all i need is God. so HA! you may now take your baggage and leave. you've overstayed your visit in my life.


see? no other boyfriend would pick his nose for me.

i did absolutely nothing but sleep when i got home yesterday. ive been doing this too much. i think it's supposed to be a sign of depression or maybe a health problem. i plan on doing a lot of thinking today. and laundry. this is the second day i've worn these pants. yuck. i didn't study for my midterm yesterday, it was the second grade we've gotten so far, the first one in the class is a paper i got a 0 on- didn't do it. i've been holding on to my applications to design schools for 2 weeks now. im in some spot where i can't move foward. maybe i'm scared.

october 22, 2001

we finally left for canada on sat morning 3am. when we got there, we did all the touristy things like take the tours and the rides. niagara falls is awesome. that something from nature could draw so many people from around the world like that. i dunno. im stilll thinking about everything. it was so much fun and so beautiful. i took a LOT of pics. funnie ones of randall squeezing a manequin's boob in the Hershey store, me molesting a statue of a mountee, us picking our was so much fun. mostly, it got me away from school and work and my church responsibilites so that randall and i could just be ourselves and experience this awesome place and just being with each other. we also had our first fight, but i did a lot better than i used to with chris and we talked about it and now have a better understanding of each other. im afraid that, i dunno, i don't want to sound like an idiot, but i know i am, so im gonna be a moron and say it anyway. im, you know, like REALLY liking him. im not using that other "l" word, cause then id have to slap myself.

ANYWAY, you would not believe how hard it is to find a bathroom when you really need some, uh, privacy to do your business!! i can't just "go" anywhere, ok? especially not with all these people around me!! i won't tell you how i finally found a place though, cause i just don'y know you that well, nor do you want to know me that well.

we had such a great time and i finally started not holding back so much. we laugh a lot, so that's good. and his piercing is looking REALLY good. oh my goodness, he is so cute i can't wait to kiss him without the risk of crusting pus getting on my lips. hopefully it'll heal soon. oooh! he also bought me butt pants yesterday. if you want a pair of pants your b/f will love, you have to get Old Navy's ultra low rise cut ones. they make your booty look like BOOTY and it totally works with the great butt i already have.

i am also really starting to like the idea of nipple rings. im thinking the pain won't even be so bad. someone asked me today how this might conflict with my faith though. i've thought about it before, but i should refresh myself i guess. it's not like im doing it for any sexual reason, though, and because of that i don't think that these people's arguements hold much ground. hmmm....

back from canada!! i had SO much fun! i saw 10,000 gold buddhas in a temple, saw niagra falls, went to hard rock, lay down in the gardens with randall just staring at the sky. iim gonna write more- about all i learned, getting lost in buffalo....i'll be right back

october 19, 2001

one more thing: ladies, we deserve applause for all we go through for our men. so here's my kudos to you (even though i haven't even shaved in almost a month and forgot to shower this morning)

Wheeeee!! i just got back from going with randall to get his labret pierced!! he's so cute! that was my b-day present for him and i'll take a pic as soon as i get back. back from where you ask? from CANADA!! as soon as he gets off work today we're leaving for niagara falls, canada! isn't that awesome? being with him is so much fun. and, if you are my true brother or sister, pray for an awesome time. a safe trip, quality time together, and most of all that we remember everything is a gift from God as we are given this awesome opportunity. being a Christian is so cool. i sound like SUCH a Jesus freak today! what is up with that?!
not that i mind. =)

do you know what real love is? it's absolutely insane that God loved us so much that he let his own SON die so that i could lie, hate, and lust but still go to heaven. i will never repay that debt to him nor to Jesus who accepted that role as savior.
(roman 8:32; john 3:16) when i think about this, it isn't just some story- it really happened, and i feel so humbled.

i just thought of a point i want to make clear. when i spend the night at randall's, i am not having sex with him. reading through my entries, i don't think i ever said that.
so now you know.

i think i've decided to get my nipples pierced. i've only been gung-ho on this for about a day or so, so i need a little more time to make sure this is what i want.

last night around 1am i was tip-toeing around my house packing up my things. i felt like i was running away as i wrote a note and left it on my door. that would've been cool, but i was only going to randall's. i can't run away until midnight tonight, though; randall is going with me. we're not sure where we're going to, yet, but anywhere would be great. we'll be gone the whole weekend so it's a good thing that my toots of death seem to have gone away. musta been something i ate last week.

and nothing else is new. i've recently begun studying up on dreams as far as prophecies and God go. i think someone is speaking to me but i haven't figured out if it's evil or God. the whole thing is really confusing and i've been talking about this stuff in general with people i know and trust, but i haven't told anyone yet about these dreams i've had. there were 4. i don't want to tell anyone in case they're nothing but dreams; then i'd feel stupid, but i think i truly feel they're real which is why im being so careful. maybe im just wanting them to be true so im not just another person- no one special.

but i am cause God spoke to me. and yeah, he does to everyone, but very few people actually listen like i hope im doing. i can't wait to see what's gonna happen in my future; i bet im some really cool superhero for Christ.
sheesh, i sound like a loser! but oh well.

october 18, 2001

swftheart9: "i bet my farts are far more pungent than yours"

do i hear a competition coming on?

if i was a good daughter, i would roll the window down myself instead of waiting until my mom got wind of what i was up to and rolled it down herself. and then i laugh. and my sister says im gross. like she never toots.

stayed up late last night talking with randall and laying next to him. i love being with him. even this morning when we woke and we both had some kicking breath. man, i can't imagine being married and having to wake up to that breathing in your face every morning, but i suppose it's a sacrifice made for love.

im learning a lot about him and i love it; this is one of the best parts of dating. anyway, my legs are pissing me off cause they're so freaking itchy. i showed them to everyone at bibl study last night; the girls were proud and the guys were just in shock. i don't think people realize that women are pretty much like men. we just put in a lot of time, money, and effort to not look as bad.

october 17, 2001

i would like to make an apology. if you are a kinda tall male with a green coat, i am sorry.

when you came up to the printer to pick up your document, you most likely encountered one of my toots. i didn't know anyone was printing!! and i didn't want to go all the way to the door to do my business. i kinda hoped it would stay under my desk, but stuff like that rises. so im sorry.

oops. now i need to apologize to that kid with the black hair and the red jacket. man, you people need to warn me before you go by my desk like that. i guess it was the bagel

i just had an everything bagel- onion, salt, garlic, keep your distance as i speak to you.

yesterday i got to see randall which was awesome cause i actually missed him. i can't wait til i see him again. i wanna give him a hug and squeeze his booty
uh-i hung out with chris last night cause he said he had lots to tell me. it seems like he's still stuck in the break up. we talked as i went through walmart picking food up for tonight and when we got to the parking lot we continued talking in his truck. and we sat there. and sat there. and sat there til i became a lil bit uncomfy and i kept asking if we were going but he kept saying he wasn't ready. eventually i asked if we could get some ice cream and so we left. but the same thing happened there, too. i feel really bad for him. when he dropped me off i gave him a hug and he said, "i love you." but i wanna be with randall right now.

october 16, 2001

i just made two necklaces instead of doing homework. i wanna get pics up so i can sell them and make some mula. but i keep selling all my pretty ones before i can pics of them.

i love making neckalces. even more than i love this job where i do nothing but sit on my butt, work on my page, and tell customers to go fix their own problems. (oh my goodness! i don't really do that!!)

haven't seen randall in two days! seems like longer. we're gonna hang out this weekend though. he wants to go to NYC if he can get off work but i don't care what we do as long as im with him. that was so cheesey, im sorry. bah. boys. i like them too much. i can't think of anything else to write now cause im thinking about the going away present i got his mom and the way my leg hairs are being moved by my jeans. it's this really weird feeling and it's kinda getting on my nerves.

i'd never heard of Sweetest Day until last year. it's some kind of valentine's day but in the fall. i tried looking for a card for randall yesterday, but only one or two didn't have the word "love" in them and then those were just cheesey. like, hey sexy pants, let's get it on- so im gonna make him something myself instead. had i still been with chris, i could have used one that said love, but oh well.

this morning the thunder was so loud that everything in my room was shaking and it sounded like a plane was coming right for my house. i looked to my sister's cat cause i believe cat's have an extra sense about predicting disaster, but she just seemed annoyed to have been woken up so i knew my house was fine. i still got scared though and ran to my mom's bathroom to brush my hair in there.

october 15, 2001

ok. here's a confession. at the bonfire/hayride, i hadn't planned on eating a hotdog so i filled my plate with lots of beans and it turns out the songs are true; beans are a magical fruit. so i decided to try and stand by the fire while making beautiful music. but when i got there, there was too much hay and too many people to safely excecute my experiment. so i turned away, the mr. science in me dissapointed, when it came.
you may wish to stop reading at this point.
Noooo!! I couldn't stop it!! so i just stood there and acted like nothing happened. but then jenny, who was squatting, roasting marshmellows and at perfect height, began sniffing the air. no, "do you smell that?" or "what is that?" no. it was,
"EW!! Meli!!!"

well, what did you expect?! i just had a whole butt-load of baked beans!! i am sorry, but if you act like you never fart, you're just a liar and i do NOT want to associate with you! and yes, randall and his mom were standing next to me. i can only hope i waved my fumes of death away from their unseared nostrils.

don't you love that i share this with you?

i can absolutely not wait to be married. and it's not just because of all the guilt-free sex, either. i wanna hurry up and meet my future husband.

in other, more disturbing news:
my leg hair is entrancing. i can't stop staring at it. i think i might take a pic or draw some hairy lady and turn it into a hairy-legs award for anyone who wants to join me in this challenge- males excluded. maybe i can get randall to write some commentary on dating a freak, but i wouldn't want him to gossip about his ex girlfriends like that, HA!

oh, i think it's been about three weeks since i've shaved and i have officially reached that point where it's no longer stubble. ladies and gentlemen, i have REAL leg hair now. although it's black, giving it the impression of being even longer, it has not yet begun to curl like guy's legs. just so you know.

on saturday, when we went on the hayride, there were only rent-a-john's. no real bathrooms. i really didn't want to use one cause it was pitch black and there were a lot of people, so instead, randall's mom and i walked into the woods and i "went" in a clearing while she held out her coat. she's really cool and i like her a lot.
=) i think we bonded that night by the light of the lantern, as i tried to make sure i didn't pee on my pants.
i also littered. cause i didn't want to carry that used napkin back to the picnic table to throw it away. im sorry. i love nature but not enough to carry a pee-soaked napkin. that was disgusting and i'll never say it again!!

yesterday was a good day until evening came. the way everything worked out, i didn't get the chance to attend a church service, but instead felt God just wanted to spend some time alone, so i went to Tim Horton's and sat with a large cappaccino (the cause of my horrible evening), a vineyard CD (awesome worship music), and my bible. i spent an hour just listening to him, praying, and reading.

as night comes and i find myself alone, my thoughts turn against me. sometimes it's just thinking about spontaneous combustion or aliens, but other times it's about people i know. my mind screws up events and misreads into words making anyone my enemy. and so my night was plagued by bad dreams involving randall. i somehow convinced myself i had reason to be mad. i felt bad this morning though and left a nice voice mail for him. he's an awesome person despite what my mind may come up with at 3am.

october 12, 2001

oh no! i just remembered i tooted in front of randall yesterday outside of denney's, i am such a loser!! you never do that until you're further into the relationship. even though he sees me pick my nose, hearing me toot is just a level of commitment i don't think im ready for.

i have to wear pants. no shorts for me. why? because i wanna see if girl leg hair really can get as long as boy leg hair. i've only gone two weeks though, which is how long i went last time. right now, it's at that stage where you want to rip your legs off it's so darned itchy.
cause i know you just HAD to know that about me =)

know what i just figured out? sex and sexual stuff is like this nonverbal form of communication where you read the other person by their movements and breathing and you respond with your own body and you can make them feel a certian way. and it's the most vulnerable position you can ever be in. to allow another person control of you like that and to be one flesh with that person. that's a bond that you carry with you forever. is pretty amazing which is exactly why it shouldn't be taken as lightly as it is.
not that i sit here at work thinking about sex all the time!! this is just what i think im gonna learn about next week. last week it was God's wrath, this week repentence, next week sex. So stay tuned.

yesterday was so full of every emotion. i got to see randall after classes and then again later that night. as soon as i got home, my dad and i got into a fight. my sis and her friend were there and saw and then my mom came in asking what happened.
"he's a big, fat asshole!" was my response as i ran up the stairs. then i cried for over an hour in bed. my mom came up to hold me but i didn't want it. im sick of apologies and advice of what not to say or what not to do around my dad. i don't need another shoulder to cry on, i need to be away from this. i cried mostly because i knew i was just like him.

i was alone and wished someone would call or something so i could talk. then randall did to say he had gotten out 5 hours early from work! he came right over to take me out. i was so drained when he came over, so we just drove for one hour out east where we found a Denney's Diner, and they had fried okra, mmmmmmmm! we talked a bunch about so much stuff. yesterday was the first day that he really saw who i am, including ALL my faults. ugh.

when i got home my dad had some really pretty flowers and ice cream. i gave him a hug and apoloogized and he did, too. we had talked earlier, but you're not gonna like what i say if i've been crying for an hour. during that first convo i really hurt his feelings. words are lies. i need actions. and it's gonna take a whole lot to undo instinct.

then i spent the night at randall's and made a sign that said "randall's mommy" cause i pick her up tonight and i've never even seen a pic of her.

i felt happiness, saddness, depression, anger, lonely, worthless, empty, void, better, hyper, loved, love, and annoyance all in one day. im still tired from it.

october 11, 2001

procrastinators of the world, i am your Queen.

im writing two papers right now both due in three hours. bible study went well last night and i found out that i have to take a membership class at church this weekend before the leaders will feel comfortable with me among them or leading young minds. something like that.

seeing randall today, he said he had something important to tell me, but that it wasn't bad so we're gonna go on this secret mission- i can't tell you what it is though. apparently no one else on earth is going to know where we're going and why. when i was in VA as a freshman at Bridgewater College my friend Bekah and I would say we had a secret mission to go on whenever we had know, go to the potty and not number 1. sometimes we just called it a business meeting. we didn't like going in our own bathrooms (cause we were freaks like that, i guess) so we always went somewhere else on campus. my favorite was in the home ec building cause it was Victorian-themed. even now, i have to always go out of my way when i need a potty. once at my friend's house, i made jenny and randall wake up early so that we could go to the grocery store and i could finally pee.
i hope you've enjoyed today's story time. october 10, 2001

im usually so deep in sleep, that i don't notice anything when i spend the night at randall's. but last night i had a horrid nightmare where i couldn't move and there was this spinning, whirling sound and it was just like reality cause my room was the same and my position in bed, the lighting- everything. and i was like, "no!" and i tried to move and i only got up after a while and i started walking to the door and i was like, im sleep walking, once and for all i'll know if these dreams are real when i wake and find myself by the door. but when i woke up, i was still in bed. anyway, it freaked me out and i went downstairs to sleep by randall and i was about to fall asleep again when he started grinding his teeth. Ugh! i was like, what?! i thought he was like, biting or something. and that whole story made absolutely no sense.
im sorry. i won't tell it ever again.

he who grinds

shoot. i was supposed to be in court this morning or go to class- those were my choices, but i overslept and missed both. oops.

i ended up just paying the stupid $80 ticket. i gave it to my mom to mail and she typed up a nasty letter to the county treasurer telling them they were jerks and morons for giving me that ticket!! she's so cool!

randall came over around 12:30am and he had made me a present while he was at work. he makes screens- like, those huge Victoria's Secrets posters of naked chics you see in the store. it was really cool and pretty and it has my name. he also bought me 15 dangly bracelets AND a cool shirt from this vintage store. he skipped class so that he could see me AND he spent the night last night. he's so much fun. i can't wait to meet his mom friday

i still feel insecure about being with him- like, that he's so much better. and i hope he didn't catch this, but i accidently said "i love you" yesterday, but i totally caught myself right after and, like, screamed or something so that he wouldn't think about what he may have just heard. ugh- i feel like such a dork. oh- and we're having nachos tonight at bible study. im not so sure i should have a house full of 20 people who have just had refried beans.

october 9, 2001


i miss my sis.

this was randall and i on saturday. im such a goober when it comes to anniversaries and i always have to take a pic.

i get out at 1:18pm today but my ride doesn't leave until 4:30pm. i think what im gonna do with that time, rather than spend quality time with my homework, is stalk someone. im gonna pick some random person and just start following them. i'll make all sorts of notes on them, too. then, after a few months, i'll have this notebook full of profiles. This can then be used for possible characters in any stories i may write in the future. now that i think of it, i may only profle one person before my notebook becomes filled with the details of a cop and a cell full of other convicted stalkers.

i think i'll just sleep. i'll find some desk in a corner in the library and sleep til my mommy is off from work.

if we ever go anywhere you're gonna have to accept that i have all rights to the music, as master selector of tunes. james did not comprehend this law and i had to smack his hand away last night as he tried to overrule my selection. i picked out my fave three songs and listened to them over and over and over.....

we went out to eat at charley's

and then went shopping. mostly for stuff i wanted and couldn't afford. like all the glitter i bought last night even though i just recieved my $200 cell phone bill (yikes!!)

october 8, 2001

randall explained to me last night what his goal is for our relationship. if our relationship is a bar graph with three variables (our connections spiritually, emotionally, and sexually) then all bars are equal in height. he said that's what God wants for him in a relationship. he said this while making me garlic noodles and i was like, jiminey crickett, this boy is wonderful.

i am having SO much fun with him and learning so much- but im afraid that maybe im somehow not "good enough" for him. i always feel like that in the beginning of a relationship. i don't know if it's being humble or insecure, but im gonna bet insecure. i just see all this wonderful stuff in him and im like, man, i wish i could be better for him. prettier, or smarter, or more well-read in the bible. but at least i have this great butt. and that will make up for everything. man, it's a nice butt.

this morning when randall dropped me off and i kissed him goodbye, he made me laugh and when i did, the tinyest amount of snot may or may not have exited my nose. now aren't you priviledged to know this?


whoo-hoo!! i have my own toothbrush at randall's!!! and he has one at my house. you know what that means...nothing. just that we stay over whenever we can.

oh, and today, i've gone commando. slept in randall's clothes so i could re-wear yesterday's clothes-
hold up, i've really gotta go get this booger.

ok, im back. see, you can re-wear your outfit, but not your underwear. THAT is just nasty. church was a lot of fun yesterday and we did communion at the second service which is always cool. like a re-birth. the night chuch i go to is contemporary like my morning church, but the congregation is bigger and they're all 20-somethings. the worship is awesome and you feel SO close to God.

afterward randall needed to make a stop for TP cause his booty didn't like the papertowels. yeah.

october 7, 2001

this friday, randall asked me of i could pick his mom up from the airport. i told him i would but plans might change before then. i only mentioned it as this really cool example of how....hmm, i don't know, maybe of how he trusts me with some things? we've only been dating a month and i've never met her and he would actually send me out to pick up his mommy. randall doesn't even know it, but he made me happy in that moment.
then he made me mad when he said my driving sucked and refused to move his car so i could take my friends out. i hate it when boys always insist on driving.

i hope my lil sis and bro are ok. they're both in the military and it seems the US is pissing off those terrorists. i wish i had sent my sis that bible last week. it'll take two weeks to get to her in europe but i want her to have it now.

ok, my office just called to see if i was here and this is what i said:
"yup, we're (im the only one here) here and i'm open (uh, i meant the lab)"
i hate when i mix words up. oh, and here's something im so sure you're interested in, but my freaking nipples hurt!! OW! what the heck did i do to them?! so thats what im gonna do at work today. go to online Dr sites and see what overly sensitive nipples means i have.

oh, this month im gonna meet some designers! this lady said she keeps thinking of me and really wants to introduce me to some of her designer friends which is cool cause im apply into design programs for next fall right now and i need some help.

what else....hung out with randall a bunch yesterday. talked a lot, too which is cool cause hardly get to see him during the week.

october 5, 2001


Love Calculator results
These are the results of the calculations by Dr. Love:
melida ****** randall *******
12 %

"Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between melida ****** and randall ******, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. Do not sit back and think that it will all work out fine, because it might not be working out the way you wanted it to. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Again, the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out."

screw you, Dr Love!! *gives Dr. Love the finger*

now you should go to the Love Calculator to have your own dreams smashed by some wanker who doesn't even know you!!

uh-oh, entry overkill. that's it! i won't write any more today. starting to wish id washed my hair this morning.
hey, you! get yourself to and download AIM so you can talk to me already! please? im so bored!


respect my authoritar

see this badge? that's right, im talking to you. this makes me the all-powerful CONSULTANT. don't you treat me with disrespect, fool, cause i can make papers and resumes disappear like that!
*snaps fingers*
i can be your best friend, or you worst enemy. now, what you've gotta ask yourself is, which am i gonna be to you?

alright, im not so sure the wish will come true. if about an hour ago, someone had this strong urge to marry me, that would've been my wish. someone rich.
anyway, i spent a couple of hours last night making necklaces. here's one that i made.

my parents were fighting last night and it wasn't nice. it was a fight like i'd never heard before. not like they're gonna get divorced fight, but- never mind. it has to do with my sick grandmother and everyone being afraid that she'll die soon. two days ago i came across this verse in the bible:
" one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

why would these words of comfort come to me out of nowhere? lately, every time i flip open my bible, it's to something very relevant in my life or something someone mentioned the day before. isn't that weird? im a little freaked. cause is God the one doing all this or is some evil force trying to lead me astray in false prophecies? i know, im sounding religious again.

not to alarm anyone, but im not sure my wish is coming true. oh well, while we wait come see some of my pics from this morning. i love my camera!!


in 20 more minutes i'll find out if my wish from fowarding an e-mail comes true. the email said my phone would ring as soon as i sent it, and it hasn't. even though it should anyway cause my office always calls at this time to check up on me. i hope this doesn't mean my wish won't-

october 4, 2001

now what was i going to say...something about randall...

oh yes. i was talking to chris last night and was asking him, do you think i was as funnie a month into the relationship as i was after 2 years? cause when i was with chris, we laughed ALL the time, and i think i just hold back when im with randall. you know, like not to scare him off just yet. and i don't think i've been as pretty as i am usually. so randall prolly thinks im a big goober now. that's just great. well he is too!!
actually randall is the most awesome guy in the world- as far as I've seen. there's still a chance he's a psycho killer who wants to brainwash me and then kidnap me to montana- which i hear is GORGEOUS this time of year.

i made the most disgusting spaghetti EVER last night. i don't know if it's cause i didn't strain it or cause i may have put the noodles in before the water boiled, but it was sooooo soggy. instead of doing a lesson last night, we rented the mummy returns II and ate cake. i had a ton of questions to ask the bible study leader and i wanted to go over all the answers i got, but i forgot my bible at home.

i saw chris last night cause he had come to bible study. he was really depressed before, but he got a girl's number yesterday so he's a little better. i kinda miss hanging out with him cause we got so close after two years. i hate having to start all over again but i guess it's not that bad. im so bored right now. i hate not having a best friend. when i was in VA, i had a friend and we were psychic. we'd pull a card from a deck and "send" what it was to the other. once, we got 3 cards in a row right. then we freaked out and stopped doing that. chris was the best friend ever, but the problem with boyfriends is that you eventually break up. bah.

wonder what randall is doing.

october 3, 2001

uh, maybe i've said too much here today. so im gonna try not to write anything more. just wanna say that randall is so super-cool and awesome i can't believe im with him. but at the same time, i can, cause i can totally see that God wants it that way. i just think it's cool that this time it's randall and not some seminar or book he wants me to learn from. anyway. no more journaling today. you people already think im freaky enough. but if you don't, you should e-mail me or chat. then i'll prove that i am!!

i think God is telling me something. it's so weird cause for a long time i would just say "josiah" out of nowhere. after a while ifigured it was a name. this week i came across it in the bible and it means fire from God in hebrew which is weird cause randall and i have been talking about God's wrath lately.i thought it was just some made-up word that i invented cause i liked the way it sounded but it's a real hebrew word.
so then i started thinking about it. why would some hebrew word come to me out of nowhere. but i DID get a small score in tongues once when i took a spiritual gifts test. one of signs was being able to speak a language you don't know but only for a while. so maybe God is speaking to me somehow. or through

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