archives|dailies
october 31, 2001 2:30pm, 1:18pm,
and that some people get this much, and then waste their life, that's pitiful. i hope i do something really important for God. He's already treated me so well and kept me from so much, i really owe him. not that anything i do could EVER match His love.
11:29am,
Now, im gonna do a little assesment- see where i am as far as goals.
2.
3.
4. get married.
chris called last night and it was icky. i said a nice goodbye and got a "Whatever!" and he hung up before i even pulled the phone from my ear. he's pissed cause i wanna take being friends slowly. plus, if randall's ex was calling him and REALLY pushing to be friends, i'd be like, "back off, b*tch!!" yes, i know it's not Christian to judge a stranger, but i don't like her. I'll think of a reason later." that's a quote from a country song. yeah, i listen to country sometimes, deal.
plus, he called me a slut last wed at bible study and insinuated that i was a whore friday at a party. he said he was just kidding and it WAS jokingly, but with some kind of force behind his words. it's hard to explain, but i could tell there was some truth and anger behind his facade of a joke.
october 30, 2001 9:40am,
they may take a while to load, but im not in the mood to spend tons of time fixing that. sorry.
9:01am,
just got a bunch of pics scanned in from niagara. gonna put them up in a bit.
i make no sense when im sleepy. when randall called last night, i started telling him what i was wearing because i thought he had asked me if i was naked. i also kept saying, "i love being with you" in the middle of his sentences and then falling asleep. oh, and this morning after i got out of the shower i was in my room trying to decide what underwear to wear. when ever i wear long skirts or kinda tight pants, i absolutely cannot have panty lines cause they're tacky as heck. so i was trying on a rather racy pair of knickers (that are black and sparkly- oooh!) in front of the mirror, when my mom walked right in on me and said, "melida, wake up!" and i was like, "ahhhhh! im NAKED!!" and i covered my boobies as she ran out slamming the door shut. then from opposite sides of the door, we continued our conversation.
october 29, 2001 4:11pm,
anyway, i can't remember if im at 7 or 8 weeks, but it's been about 2 months since I've shaved my legs. It's a little over half a centimeter now. that doesn't sound like a lot, but multiply it by a few hundred, and you've got my insanely hairy legs. i really like it. i want it to grow even longer cause im developing this weird fascination for it. once they reach optimal length i'll leave it for a while, then have my legs waxed. this is gonna be so much fun.
as i sat in the back of a police cruiser this morning, i noticed that it is really tight back there. i mean, if i were any bigger, i would have been really uncomfortable. and had we gotten in an accident, i would have had my face inprinted with the squared pattern of the metal partition between the police officer and i. it had that new car smell. sitting next to the guy i hit was really weird. i wanted to make conversation with him, but he was very matter of fact and straight-foward and only spoke to the officer, never me. i felt like a dork because he must've thought i was just some teenager who couldn't drive but if dick-head hadn't stopped like that, maybe i wouldn't be there in that position right then. the lady in the wrecker didn't think i was old enough to drive even.
12:25pm,
5 car accident in the fast lane. the truck in front of me slammed his brakes, so i did, too. then he let off so i did too, then WHAM! everyone runs into each other. the guys who hit me from behind took off. the lady at the begining of our conga line of death had the bumper of her sports car taken completely off and carried it off in her trunk. it took forever to get the reports done and all. the first thing i did was pray. then i looked around. i had no idea what to do so i just sat in my car until a police man came up to me. i read the bible while i waited. as they towed my van away (cause i leaked something all over the freeway and there was steam or smoke coming from under my hood)i ran up to a policewoman and asked for a ride.
as i was in the back of the cruiser, i tried to look tough as we passed people on the sidewalk. i was hoping to see someone i knew so that i could pretend i had been arrested. a parking ticket, speeding ticket, and a moving citation all in one month.
october 28, 2001 1:28pm,
i went to a different church today, with Randall and it was DIFFERENT. The thing i loved most was the racial diversity. i've never had that before cept for when i was catholic and it was half white/ half mexican. they all called each other brother and sister and sang the hymns together as they worshiped as one entity. i was in love. but i've encountered their beliefs before and im a bit wary. i dunno. must think about it.
today i am wearing bright, orange shoes cause randall and i traded for the day and im wearing his underwear cause i forgot to bring mine with me. i am wearing men's underwear. i think that is so funnie. im trying to think of someting nice to say, but all that comes up is a convo i had with chris then randall. chris thinks randall and i are getting too close too quickly but at the same time two people have noted that i rarely open up to people and allow myself to be vulnerable. so should i back off or stop pushing away? i need to write. write everything in my brain then once it's out, arrange the thoughts into some kind of logical idea. so im off to my other journal. the one that has my most horrible secrets. not really. it's just stuff that bothers me that i don't feel like burdening people with. october 26, 2001 11:57am, 9:38am, 9:24am, 8:14am, 7:56am,
i was late to work this morning for the first time EVER (cept this one time that doesn't count) in over 3 years. i had to park in a parking garage that will cost me $6.50 because this school is so stupid and big that you have to take BUSSES to the campus from the freaking parking lots!! AND i got a notice yesterday saying i owe a balance on that $80 speeding ticket i paid! AND im mad at myself for messing up and accidently kissing chris's neck when we hugged even though it was only a split-second before i pulled away and apologized. i even talked to him on the phone to tell him it was an accident and im not telling him anything nor leading him on. plus, i've got sharp pains in my chest right now. the kind you get when you can't inhale cause that's when it hurts.
i don't like my outfit this morning, my back hurts, i've got a ton of homework, i have a pending $300 fine from the university from a mistake THEIR clerk made which may force me to drop out. if i drop out there's no way im finishing the degree before Fall when i transfer to design school. my room is messy again, my stupid stomach hurts, and i didn't even get to say bye to randall this morning cause i was LATE!
Ahhhhhh!!!!
Now for something pleasant. october 25, 2001 8:45am,
after the lesson part, i read this thing i had written. at first, i had planned on writing it only for myself, but forgivness is such a personal thing, that i couldn't leave it at having only given some bible verses. i had to show them that it is hard, but possible. everyone thought it was a poem i had taken from somwwhere but i was like, nope, it's just what i feel in my heart.
lately i've been in the bad habit of calling randall "baby doll" or "baby". i had called chris "babe". i need to find some more masculine things to call b/f's.
so im gonna try these out these week to see which ones just kinda stick to him.
october 24, 2001 3:57pm,
1:26pm,
then i started laughing when i realized i had turned the shower on. what a doofus.
i saw randall for a bit yesterday. he bought me a concordenance that i can use for my bible which is awesome cause it shows he cares about my body (bought me butt pants) and my spiritual growth (bought me something to help me with my bible studies). he's so awesome. then he came over this morning at 2am to watch devil's advocate. this morning when we woke, we talked about faith versus good works and how sometimes people try to decieve you in the name of "God". i skipped class to go to walmart with him, too, and drop off our canada film. october 23, 2001 10:39am,
and it's not just my environment that i need to work on. i need to stop running away and leaving people and situations hanging without a conclusion. im calling up my exes cause everything is over. burning bridges. all debts settled. then it's on to forgivness. forgiving all the jerks in my life who've fucked up my present. then, im gonna move past them and realize that i don't have to let them make me feel anything at all. weak, scared, unfulfilled, alone, hurt- nope, no more. if i don't want to feel it, then i just won't. so ha! take that! you too, grandpa. i don't even care anymore that you don't love me, don't know my birthday, that i love God, or that im an awesome person. because you were never my grandfather. you're just the person who screwed grandma- inconsequential to me and my life; just an old man whose opinion i used to care about. and you, too. i hate what you did to me. i hate that you've messed up my perceptions, my relationships, and my memory. i hate that you split me into two persons. i hate that i now have to deal with becoming one person again. but, forget you. cause look at you and your life now. you're the one screwed up and im the one who's moving on.
my goal for the day: screw everyone else cause all i need is God. so HA! you may now take your baggage and leave. you've overstayed your visit in my life.
7:46am,
see? no other boyfriend would pick his nose for me.
i did absolutely nothing but sleep when i got home yesterday. ive been doing this too much. i think it's supposed to be a sign of depression or maybe a health problem. i plan on doing a lot of thinking today. and laundry. this is the second day i've worn these pants. yuck. i didn't study for my midterm yesterday, it was the second grade we've gotten so far, the first one in the class is a paper i got a 0 on- didn't do it. i've been holding on to my applications to design schools for 2 weeks now. im in some spot where i can't move foward. maybe i'm scared.
october 22, 2001 12:29pm,
ANYWAY, you would not believe how hard it is to find a bathroom when you really need some, uh, privacy to do your business!! i can't just "go" anywhere, ok? especially not with all these people around me!! i won't tell you how i finally found a place though, cause i just don'y know you that well, nor do you want to know me that well.
we had such a great time and i finally started not holding back so much. we laugh a lot, so that's good. and his piercing is looking REALLY good. oh my goodness, he is so cute i can't wait to kiss him without the risk of crusting pus getting on my lips. hopefully it'll heal soon. oooh! he also bought me butt pants yesterday. if you want a pair of pants your b/f will love, you have to get Old Navy's ultra low rise cut ones. they make your booty look like BOOTY and it totally works with the great butt i already have.
i am also really starting to like the idea of nipple rings. im thinking the pain won't even be so bad. someone asked me today how this might conflict with my faith though. i've thought about it before, but i should refresh myself i guess. it's not like im doing it for any sexual reason, though, and because of that i don't think that these people's arguements hold much ground. hmmm....
11:34am, october 19, 2001 3:25pm, 3:13pm, 12:38pm, 11:24am, 7:59am,
last night around 1am i was tip-toeing around my house packing up my things. i felt like i was running away as i wrote a note and left it on my door. that would've been cool, but i was only going to randall's. i can't run away until midnight tonight, though; randall is going with me. we're not sure where we're going to, yet, but anywhere would be great. we'll be gone the whole weekend so it's a good thing that my toots of death seem to have gone away. musta been something i ate last week.
and nothing else is new. i've recently begun studying up on dreams as far as prophecies and God go. i think someone is speaking to me but i haven't figured out if it's evil or God. the whole thing is really confusing and i've been talking about this stuff in general with people i know and trust, but i haven't told anyone yet about these dreams i've had. there were 4. i don't want to tell anyone in case they're nothing but dreams; then i'd feel stupid, but i think i truly feel they're real which is why im being so careful. maybe im just wanting them to be true so im not just another person- no one special.
but i am cause God spoke to me. and yeah, he does to everyone, but very few people actually listen like i hope im doing. i can't wait to see what's gonna happen in my future; i bet im some really cool superhero for Christ. october 18, 2001 9:54am,
do i hear a competition coming on?
8:48am, 8:34am,
im learning a lot about him and i love it; this is one of the best parts of dating. anyway, my legs are pissing me off cause they're so freaking itchy. i showed them to everyone at bibl study last night; the girls were proud and the guys were just in shock. i don't think people realize that women are pretty much like men. we just put in a lot of time, money, and effort to not look as bad.
october 17, 2001 12:24pm,
when you came up to the printer to pick up your document, you most likely encountered one of my toots. i didn't know anyone was printing!! and i didn't want to go all the way to the door to do my business. i kinda hoped it would stay under my desk, but stuff like that rises. so im sorry.
oops. now i need to apologize to that kid with the black hair and the red jacket. man, you people need to warn me before you go by my desk like that. i guess it was the bagel 11:33am,
yesterday i got to see randall which was awesome cause i actually missed him. i can't wait til i see him again. i wanna give him a hug and squeeze his booty october 16, 2001 10:24am,
i love making neckalces. even more than i love this job where i do nothing but sit on my butt, work on my page, and tell customers to go fix their own problems. (oh my goodness! i don't really do that!!)
haven't seen randall in two days! seems like longer. we're gonna hang out this weekend though. he wants to go to NYC if he can get off work but i don't care what we do as long as im with him. that was so cheesey, im sorry. bah. boys. i like them too much. i can't think of anything else to write now cause im thinking about the going away present i got his mom and the way my leg hairs are being moved by my jeans. it's this really weird feeling and it's kinda getting on my nerves.
8:07am,
this morning the thunder was so loud that everything in my room was shaking and it sounded like a plane was coming right for my house. i looked to my sister's cat cause i believe cat's have an extra sense about predicting disaster, but she just seemed annoyed to have been woken up so i knew my house was fine. i still got scared though and ran to my mom's bathroom to brush my hair in there. october 15, 2001 4:34pm,
well, what did you expect?! i just had a whole butt-load of baked beans!! i am sorry, but if you act like you never fart, you're just a liar and i do NOT want to associate with you! and yes, randall and his mom were standing next to me. i can only hope i waved my fumes of death away from their unseared nostrils.
don't you love that i share this with you?
2:13pm,
in other, more disturbing news: 12:21pm, 12:08pm,
yesterday was a good day until evening came. the way everything worked out, i didn't get the chance to attend a church service, but instead felt God just wanted to spend some time alone, so i went to Tim Horton's and sat with a large cappaccino (the cause of my horrible evening), a vineyard CD (awesome worship music), and my bible. i spent an hour just listening to him, praying, and reading.
as night comes and i find myself alone, my thoughts turn against me. sometimes it's just thinking about spontaneous combustion or aliens, but other times it's about people i know. my mind screws up events and misreads into words making anyone my enemy. and so my night was plagued by bad dreams involving randall. i somehow convinced myself i had reason to be mad. i felt bad this morning though and left a nice voice mail for him. he's an awesome person despite what my mind may come up with at 3am.
october 12, 2001 11:40am, 11:11am,
know what i just figured out? sex and sexual stuff is like this nonverbal form of communication where you read the other person by their movements and breathing and you respond with your own body and you can make them feel a certian way. and it's the most vulnerable position you can ever be in. to allow another person control of you like that and to be one flesh with that person. that's a bond that you carry with you forever. hmmm....sex is pretty amazing which is exactly why it shouldn't be taken as lightly as it is. 7:56am,
i was alone and wished someone would call or something so i could talk. then randall did to say he had gotten out 5 hours early from work! he came right over to take me out. i was so drained when he came over, so we just drove for one hour out east where we found a Denney's Diner, and they had fried okra, mmmmmmmm! we talked a bunch about so much stuff. yesterday was the first day that he really saw who i am, including ALL my faults. ugh.
when i got home my dad had some really pretty flowers and ice cream. i gave him a hug and apoloogized and he did, too. we had talked earlier, but you're not gonna like what i say if i've been crying for an hour. during that first convo i really hurt his feelings. words are lies. i need actions. and it's gonna take a whole lot to undo instinct.
then i spent the night at randall's and made a sign that said "randall's mommy" cause i pick her up tonight and i've never even seen a pic of her.
i felt happiness, saddness, depression, anger, lonely, worthless, empty, void, better, hyper, loved, love, and annoyance all in one day. im still tired from it.
october 11, 2001 8:16am,
im writing two papers right now both due in three hours. bible study went well last night and i found out that i have to take a membership class at church this weekend before the leaders will feel comfortable with me among them or leading young minds. something like that.
seeing randall today, he said he had something important to tell me, but that it wasn't bad so we're gonna go on this secret mission- i can't tell you what it is though. apparently no one else on earth is going to know where we're going and why. when i was in VA as a freshman at Bridgewater College my friend Bekah and I would say we had a secret mission to go on whenever we had to...you know, go to the potty and not number 1. sometimes we just called it a business meeting. we didn't like going in our own bathrooms (cause we were freaks like that, i guess) so we always went somewhere else on campus. my favorite was in the home ec building cause it was Victorian-themed. even now, i have to always go out of my way when i need a potty. once at my friend's house, i made jenny and randall wake up early so that we could go to the grocery store and i could finally pee. 1:54pm,
he who grinds
11:38am,
i ended up just paying the stupid $80 ticket. i gave it to my mom to mail and she typed up a nasty letter to the county treasurer telling them they were jerks and morons for giving me that ticket!! she's so cool!
randall came over around 12:30am and he had made me a present while he was at work. he makes screens- like, those huge Victoria's Secrets posters of naked chics you see in the store. it was really cool and pretty and it has my name. he also bought me 15 dangly bracelets AND a cool shirt from this vintage store. he skipped class so that he could see me AND he spent the night last night. he's so much fun. i can't wait to meet his mom friday
i still feel insecure about being with him- like, that he's so much better. and i hope he didn't catch this, but i accidently said "i love you" yesterday, but i totally caught myself right after and, like, screamed or something so that he wouldn't think about what he may have just heard. ugh- i feel like such a dork. oh- and we're having nachos tonight at bible study. im not so sure i should have a house full of 20 people who have just had refried beans.
october 9, 2001 9:54am, 9:36am,
8:38am,
i think i'll just sleep. i'll find some desk in a corner in the library and sleep til my mommy is off from work.
8:14am,
we went out to eat at charley's october 8, 2001 4:37pm,
i am having SO much fun with him and learning so much- but im afraid that maybe im somehow not "good enough" for him. i always feel like that in the beginning of a relationship. i don't know if it's being humble or insecure, but im gonna bet insecure. i just see all this wonderful stuff in him and im like, man, i wish i could be better for him. prettier, or smarter, or more well-read in the bible. but at least i have this great butt. and that will make up for everything. man, it's a nice butt.
1:17pm, 11:32am,
whoo-hoo!! i have my own toothbrush at randall's!!! and he has one at my house. you know what that means...nothing. just that we stay over whenever we can.
oh, and today, i've gone commando. slept in randall's clothes so i could re-wear yesterday's clothes-
ok, im back. see, you can re-wear your outfit, but not your underwear. THAT is just nasty. church was a lot of fun yesterday and we did communion at the second service which is always cool. like a re-birth. the night chuch i go to is contemporary like my morning church, but the congregation is bigger and they're all 20-somethings. the worship is awesome and you feel SO close to God.
afterward randall needed to make a stop for TP cause his booty didn't like the papertowels. yeah.
october 7, 2001 1:49pm, 1:11pm,
ok, my office just called to see if i was here and this is what i said:
oh, this month im gonna meet some designers! this lady said she keeps thinking of me and really wants to introduce me to some of her designer friends which is cool cause im apply into design programs for next fall right now and i need some help.
what else....hung out with randall a bunch yesterday. talked a lot, too which is cool cause hardly get to see him during the week.
october 5, 2001 11:50am,
"Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between melida ****** and randall ******, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. Do not sit back and think that it will all work out fine, because it might not be working out the way you wanted it to. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Again, the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out."
screw you, Dr Love!! *gives Dr. Love the finger*
now you should go to the Love Calculator to have your own dreams smashed by some wanker who doesn't even know you!!
10:41am, 10:01am, 9:18am,
my parents were fighting last night and it wasn't nice. it was a fight like i'd never heard before. not like they're gonna get divorced fight, but- never mind. it has to do with my sick grandmother and everyone being afraid that she'll die soon. two days ago i came across this verse in the bible:
why would these words of comfort come to me out of nowhere? lately, every time i flip open my bible, it's to something very relevant in my life or something someone mentioned the day before. isn't that weird? im a little freaked. cause is God the one doing all this or is some evil force trying to lead me astray in false prophecies? i know, im sounding religious again.
8:11am, 7:45am,
in 20 more minutes i'll find out if my wish from fowarding an e-mail comes true. the email said my phone would ring as soon as i sent it, and it hasn't. even though it should anyway cause my office always calls at this time to check up on me. i hope this doesn't mean my wish won't- october 4, 2001 9:41am,
oh yes. i was talking to chris last night and was asking him, do you think i was as funnie a month into the relationship as i was after 2 years? cause when i was with chris, we laughed ALL the time, and i think i just hold back when im with randall. you know, like not to scare him off just yet. and i don't think i've been as pretty as i am usually. so randall prolly thinks im a big goober now. that's just great. well he is too!! 8:25am,
i saw chris last night cause he had come to bible study. he was really depressed before, but he got a girl's number yesterday so he's a little better. i kinda miss hanging out with him cause we got so close after two years. i hate having to start all over again but i guess it's not that bad. im so bored right now. i hate not having a best friend. when i was in VA, i had a friend and we were psychic. we'd pull a card from a deck and "send" what it was to the other. once, we got 3 cards in a row right. then we freaked out and stopped doing that. chris was the best friend ever, but the problem with boyfriends is that you eventually break up. bah.
wonder what randall is doing.
october 3, 2001 1:16pm, 1:00pm,
|
