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journal archives
October 31, 2000
I can finally update, Whoo-hoo!! I don't know why they took so long for maintenance; looks the same to me.
I'm skipping class, of course, to write. I dreamt last night that Chris, my sister and I were at a mall, and the police came up to us and wanted to take Chris. We asked why, and he said it was because Chris had a disease. He only said that because he was actually taking him for suspected shoplifting and didn't want my sister to know. I think he stole an engagement ring.
My (youngest) sister, who happens to be in the same grade as Chris, thinks it's weird that we're dating. She'll talk to him in class, but never when he's at my house with me.
Wow, I can't think of anything to write. I bought a bunch of velvet over the weekend and was up until 3am (old time) Sunday morning making a blanket. It's pink velvet cheetah print on one side and blue on the other. Then I'm gonna make matching pillows. My room is gonna rock.
We had almost no tick-or-treaters last night. If I didn't have my test, I could have gone around the neighborhood and really scored. But that's ok. We had a huge bowl and 6 bags of candy left. I'm gonna be so sick this week; not to mention, moody. Sugar puts me in this manic-depressive state. I'll get really high, then fall hard. And I'll be craving the sugar. It's like a drug addiction. I've been "sober" for months now. One piece is all it's gonna take...
I hope I don't break anything. Sometimes, during the sad/mad part, I throw a lot of things. Like, Chris will say he doesn't like That 70's Show, so I'll go crazy. I'm gonna try to limit the candy intake.
I haven't heard from my sister in Germany in a while and my brother should be going, I think, to the Middle East soon. I had a dream that my sister was drunk, though. But whaddaya expect, she's in the army.
I'm bored. This entry is boring. I should go potty.
I wrote an entry yesterday and posted it into scribble, so I just moved it for ya.
:::::1:00pm
I just thought of something last night and remembered it today. Chris is close with his grandparents. And you know how some old people are. They mostly hate black people, but I have very dark (mexican) relatives and black friends. So, I'm not sure how that is going to work out. Actually, the only white people that I will be inviting will be a few friends. And, I'm thinking of ways to kind of incorporate my family's culture into the wedding. Like, have a cool mariachi band and margaritas. It's gonna be a HUGE party, but it can't be much fun with two people running around screaming obcenities at my family and friends.
Not that he and I will def. get married, but it's stupid that I should even have to think about such a thing. (I'm in the mood for fried okra.) Argh! I remembered this while in Political Science cause they were talking about some people thinking "other races" should leave and stop coming in. It's like, if that's the way you want to be, then leave. Cause my family and I were here WAY before you. I hate the way people (racist light-skinned persons) think they were the first ones here and own everything. The people who really were here first have been so gracious and they can't even show that same curtesy to others. I think people are people, and that's it. It's stupid to classify anyone. I can't wait to say, I'm not an american, a latina/chicana/mexicana/hispanic/latinamerican/other, a middle-class whatever...I just wanna say: I'm human; just like you. And then, you can judge me because I'm moody, selfish, unfocused- whatever. But not because of my heritage.
October 30, 2000
Yesterday, Chris, Kristin and I went out to see the Exorcist. I hate scary movies, but I wasn't the one paying. SO I just opened up my huge purse and ate all that smuggled candy, occasionally covering my eyes.
I wanted to go trick-or-treating tonight, but I have a Chemistry test from 7:30 pm to 9:30 pm. I know it's not Halloween, but almost the entire state has this dumb rule/law that it can't be done on Halloween night, Friday, ot Saturday nights. So I'm gonna miss it.
Last night I dreamt that Chris and Anthony were both at my house and I was afraid they would start a fight. They ended up both leaving and I was alone. This is probably a very symbolic dream of what could happen if things keep going the way they are between the three of us. I can't understnad how these things work.
I thought there was only supposed to be one person who you were supposed to marry and it would be obvious. How can more than one person be absolutely positive about who they're supposed to marry, and have it be the same girl?
I feel bad about letting anyone down. I know they both love me and would do anything for me. I can't break up with Chris cause I would never dump someone for someone else, but I don't want to hurt Anthony. They each despise each other for the feelings they have for me. I feel like a giant terd.
Who wants to marry a terd?
Plus, until recently I had another ex who kept calling and writing me. I sent him a letter which may have been a little mean, but truthful. Then, he stopped.
This is stupid, but I wanted to write it down just because.
Into my Head
October 27, 2000
Bible Study on Wed was pretty cool. Next week we're gonna have a big dinner; Chris and I are providing the garlic bread. We got off easy. Yesterday, I actually used what we learned last week in seeing what God wanted me to do.
First, I did step one- Pray.
So God reminded me that I haven't been tithing. Oops. So I tithed, then tried again. ( BTW, you don't tithe-give money to God- because He needs it-HE is GOD, afterall-but to show Him you trust him with the things in your life.) This time, He gave me some advice I've been waiting for. I read Proverbs 31 and it basically said this:
(as far as marriage)-I must be trusted, treat my husband well
I must seek material and work it with my hands (sewing!)
I will bring food from afar (could be that I will let my family be cultured and taught about the many different peoples of the world)
I will rise early to provide for my family (I'm gonna have to ask God about compromising that one)
I will make wise purchases and invest the profits
I will work at strengthening my body (I am a little puny. Some abs wouldn't hurt)
My hands will hold the spindle (sewing, again!!)
I will help the needy (maybe donate some of my goods)
My household will be kept warm and clothed. (I do like making quilts and clothes, you know)
I will make tapestry for myself (I already sew a bunch of my junk)
I will make linen garments and sell them (this one finally pushed the needle away from being a chiropractor)
My virtues will be strength and honor.
I will use wise words; The law of kindness will be on my tongue.
I will not be lazy (oh, poop!) And I will watch over my household
I must remember that charm is deceitful and beauty is passing. Real value is with those who fear the Lord.
So, after praying about being a chiropractor or a designer, and doing what God said by tithing, He knew I had faith in him and his will and gave me this verse. Isn't that super-keen? I'm so excited. What I have to do now is talk to a few experienced Christians and make sure I'm interpreting this correctly.
My grandmother comes next week and that's gonna rock. She speaks a little bit of English, so she and Chris can talk a little. He may be her future grandson-in-law, afterall. I want to show her the quilts that I'm making cause she's the only other female that quilts in our family. My mom mostly knits and my aunt crochets. Most of the other relatives like to crochet the most, I think, or do small crafts. But my grandmother and I are quilters- of the same blood.
I call her huita. It's pronounced:
Wee-tah. It's short for abuelita- which is Spanish for grandma. Cause I am, afterall, Mexican. And my aunt is Cuca *Coo-cah* which is short for Maruca. I don't know why she's called that cause her name is Maria.
She's gonna make tamales when she gets here and I can't wait! I love her cooking. My mother rarely cooks, and only makes Mexican food twice a year. My grandmother is always yelling at her to learn how to cook, hee-hee.
Ok, I promised myself I would actually do some homework today. So I have to go. Plus, if I'm here any longer I might start writing about what a certain someone's dad did last night that really PISSED me off. He's just lucky I wasn't there, I would've set him straight in a second. I can't believe some fathers can be such JERKS to their own children...
October 25, 2000
I've been in the weirdest cleaning mood. If I were pregnant, this would be the "nesting stage." My room is a step away from emmaculate. Okay, maybe more than just a step. If you had seen it before, you'd faint at the sight now. No more underwear on the floor, under the bed, hanging on my desk...No more moldy cheeses or breads or reeking halves of ham sandwiches. I threw out that rotting broccoli that was smelling like a big fart, too. I vaccumed all the bath salts that fell on my carpet a few months ago, and you can now take 5 consecutive steps in my room!!
I have nothing under my bed except shoes- a first since I was about 13 years old. Cleaning my room used to mean shoving EVERYTHING under the bed and in big tash bags that I kept hidden in the back of my closet. I've dusted, too.
I have Bible Study tonight, and I think we're talking about praying even though I already know how. I put up the notes I took from last week so take a gander.
But so is the life of a poor college student, damned for all eternity to be an eternal senior. I wanna graduate, NOW, NOW, NOW!!
I'm gonna study for a quiz now. This is a first for Spanish this quarter.
October 24, 2000
Basically, I'm sick. Horrible weather, horrible allergies. Eyes, ears, head, nausea, the works. Even periodic nose bleeds. I go home soon. Gonna take night time alka seltzer. mmmmmm....
studied for Poilitcal Science exam (finally) 45 minutes before it started. Procrastinated last night by cooking supper, cleaning room, doing laundry and vaccuming.
Weather making me dizzy. Hate mid west. Wanna move.
Love Chris. Gonna kidnap him. Make him love slave.
Just kidding. =) He wishes.
Me sick. Me go now.
October 23, 2000
I'm wearing a neckalce I made, and everybody likes it. Even the guy on the bus who took up two seats cause he was rude and made me stand by the door. It's got a peacock feather on it.
I just remembered last night how afraid I used to be of being abducted by aliens. At night, all the things that wouldn't phase me during the day take over my brain as I creep further underneath the covers. Like Spontaneous Combustion. Eeee!! I think that is one of the most scary things on earth. I'm not saying I believe in it, but holy mackeral does it ever scare me at night. You know, all alone, quiet...Maybe thinking about it is what brings it on, then I'm screwed! So I try not to think about it, but I already thought about it! Did I just jinx myself?!
And the same thing with the abductions. Maybe they read your mind and get you if you think about it. Then, you're already done for. The more tired I get, the more my imagination runs out of my control.
It is kind of weird that once I remember being in bed and not being able to move as this 3-4 ft light walked toward my bed. It was really bright outside. And, like, 5 other times I was in bed and couldn't move and couldn't scream. There was this loud noise in my ears and I was singing in my head to drown it out while trying to figure out what was going on. Of course, it was always, like, 3a.m. I could have been dreaming.
But, who knows.....
Since moving away from that house, nothing else has happened like that. I was thinking about how weird that was last night. By the way, I'm not on drugs and I've never even seen drugs. Except for once and that was an accident. I thought the kid was bringing tea into his kitchen. Later I was told that he was an addict.
On a more normal note, Chris and I have been doing wonderfully well. Two adverbs in a row. Risque, but I think it made a point. We had an icky fight last night, but that's because it was midnight and I was half asleep. I can throw anything out of proportion when my subconscious mind takes over. He knows this though and just goes along with whatever I say. Even if I say we should just forget this two-horse town and go be strippers in Vegas. He says ok and that we'll make our plans in the morning.
Wonderful Chris
October 21, 2000
So far today:
My mom's brakes went out this morning, but she was only in the driveway. She was backing out and couldn't stop. So she pulls in and can't stop again. Then she backs out AGAIN to see if maybe they'll work the third time. If my brakes didn't work the first two times, I would not have gone the third time. We had to buy a new battery for it yesterday cause it died on Thursday afternoon. My oldsmobile is in much better shape than her minivan.
My tummy hurts and I'm starting to get nauseous. I checked my blood pressure yesterday and it was really low. So that's prolly it. Plus, I've ben having a lot of cereal lately. I bought some soy milk yseterday, so I have to start using that.
A. called last night. And he's trying to set it up where he doesn't have to move to S.C, but stay here. I think I'm either reason number 1 or 2. Hanging out with him on Thursday was tons of fun. He's so funnie and we were acting stupid. We had lunch, stopped by a skate shop and some record shops then took a bus downtown. There, we searched for the perfect lipstick. It turned out to be Bath& Body Works' Rutabaga. It's like a deep red almost. I was looking for something in a pale pink, and he for a bright red, and we ended on that compromise.
His hair was much longer than when I last saw it. He's gonna get a friend's mom to put it in corn rolls. I don't think I spelled that right. He's been working out a lot, too, so he's really lean and hard. You can't even push your finger in his stomach because it's like pushing against a wall.
I bought new nail polish last night. It's called Mint Chocolate and it's Brown with Green undertones. At the time it sounded like a good idea. Now it looks like my cats got sick on my nails. It doesn't even go with my outfit (black 3/4 sleeve shirt, gray& black snake skin skirt).
I better go cause I'm at work. I'm 15 mintues away from finishing all of the data entries. I'm afraid to tell him I'm almost done for fear of what project he'll assign me next. Maybe I'll get to file 50,000 stubs. They used to be done by date. Now they've got CABINETS full that need to be refiled in alphabetical order. I'm thinking of looking for another job. Like, working with a designer or a wedding coordinator. Something that would corospond with my interests.
I'm still deciding between being a designer and a chiropractor. Even though I'm pretty sure God is saying designer, I get all confused cause I keep hearing, "Do what you wanted when you were a kid!" Which was a Dr. Then I hear, "Do what corrosponds to your gifts!" So I should be a designer. And I hear these from Christian sources. Like books I read, seminars, church leaders...And I'm sooooo confused!! Be a designing chiroprator? Umm...no.
I have to remember to pray for a HUGE sign. I tried listening, but I listen too much, I think and don't know who to believe. I take everything as a sign when I should only be looking at God's signs.
I'm starving. I wish I had brought a lunch
October 20, 2000
I am the QUEEN of procrastination. I have this midterm next week and I'm 4 weeks behind in the readings. So, I was gonna start yesterday and I read about three pages before I spent two hours cleaning out my bookbag and purse. Then, I was gonna make notecards today. During the past 4 1/2 hours, I have planned out all the classes I will be taking up until graduation in Spring 2002. Next to each class I wrote out their worth in credits and their pre-requisites. I have also made up an elaborate schedule in Microsoft Excel for Winter 2001.
I also verified class info with my advisor and looked at chiropractic colleges on the web. I can't even register for another two weeks. I don't just ignore the work I have to do, I go so far as to rationalize that I have something more important to do. Like, go through notes and highlight all the big words, without reading their definitions and actually learning them. I get off of this shift soon, but I think I'll start studying later today in the next lab. Right now, I need to see what's playing at the movies and download a menu from Waffle House.
I decided on a quilt for my sister's Christmas present. It's pink velvet with metallic gold stars on it. Not very sensible, but youngins today are all about looks. I'll prolly make it really think will lots of batting. I thought of making one for Chris' sister, too, since she loves pink.
October 19, 2000
I slept forever this morning and missed my first lecture. There was a guy nearby who was snoring REALLY loudly and I kept waking up to it. I drooled a tad, but I don't think anyone noticed. I dreamt about this guy named Per and about Anthony. It was a long dream, but I've already forgotten it.
One of the things we talked about last night was finding out God's will for your mate or life-partner or whatever. So I' ve decided to do those steps we learned about and apply it to Chris and me. We had a fight last night, but I think it's cause I was really tired and getting grumpy.
And maybe jealous. I got mad at this girl he knows. He won't tell me her name cause he thinks I'd go after her. He's just now learning just how good I am at digging up info on people, heh-heh. Like this one girl I used to hate, but now am getting used to her.
I also got her video renting history by mistake.
I didn't mean to, really. It's kind of a habit from past relationships. I have to stay on top of things in case something happens. I can find out who they're cheating with and know exactly how to catch them. I can trace it all back to one b/f in particular. Thinking back on it, I only picked up bad habits from him and almost wish I'd never met him. I must've learned something that I'm gonna use one day. Maybe I can be an international spy.
Speaking of exes, a topic I really wear out sometimes, Anthony called last night and wanted to meet up. So I'm gonna see him today after my lab- in about 4 1/2 hours. I know he still really wants me, and we have a friendship growing, so it's a little awkward. I kinda want to just talk to him. But I know he's gonna bring up his feelings for me again. And marriage. I always tell him I'm with Chris and that I wouldn't ever break up with someone for someone else. That's not fair. I'd only end a relationship because of internal problems.
I kind of don't want to meet with A. today because in some psycho jealous way, I know I have insinuitively given permission for Chris to hang out with a girl today. That's something I have to work on. A reason I keep this journal is because every now and then I come to these realizations about things in my life but I soon forget them. So, I record stuff here, and my feelings and thoughts. I periodically read through old entries and remember those moments of genius and apply that knowledge to present-day hassles. For instance- the day I decided to so something with art as a career.
So by writing all this mumbo-jumbo, I'm actually just getting cheap therapy. Right now, I have to work on not being so jealous of all the hoochies that are coming on to Chris and not wanting to put prices on their heads in the blackmarket. I know Chris loves me and only me and am confident enough in my detective skills to not need to worry about them right now. If something did happen, I am assured of a quick and suitable punishment for all. Muah-ha-ha!
Today's to-do
So, I'm pretty packed for today and I have less than an hour to study for that Bio Quiz. I think I need to have lunch, too. Mmmmmm, a NutriGrain, Cheez-its, an apple, and 1/4 leftover ham sandwich.
College commuters are the hungriest people on campus.
October 18, 2000
My new issue of Jane came in yesterday. I'm desperately trying to put it away and study for my midterm. But I just can't!! It's more mature than teen mags, yet not as, um, well, not snooty, but not entirely "grown up" as Cosmo and Glamour. Besides, you want to read about stuff other than becoming a Vixen or pleasing your man 50 ways to Tuscon sometimes. And noone really does their makeup like they suggest. Orange eye shadow completely covering your lids and lining underneath? No, thanks.
Maybe I should get Bekah a subscription for Christmas. If she reads this, though, then it won't be a suprise, so maybe I won't. We'll see how the cash is flowing come Christmas. Of course, she'll have to watch the mail everyday during the summer. My dad freaks when it comes in the mail. My mom has to hide it from him. It's not a bad mag, really, it's just the titles on the cover sometimes. And then, it's really just to be funnie or something. For instance:
10 Men in Thongs
Look Like a J. Crew Model in 8 Easy Steps
Men 101
And so, you see, my father's disproval of Jane holds no real substance. Therefore, I have no plans to stop reading them in the near future.
Man, my morning has been so weird. Like I haven't quite gotten into the Wed groove, yet. I kept tripping on the bus, struggling with all my bags. Then, when I was about to get off, I fell backwards and had to catch myself. I looked like a loser who had never ridden the bus before. I also stood at the light forever, missing out on all the chances to run between the slow cars, like I had never crossed a street before. Then I was a wee bit late to work cause they opened early today. I also forgot my watch. But that won't get me down! So what if my day continues to go this way? I'll just blame it all on the day's little demons satan has sent to keep me from enjoying something really good that should happen later today. Like Bible Study. I HATE going, but always end up having a good time. I'm really good at finding excuses to miss it, though.
Ok, I really need to study now. Man, I think I'm gonna do poorly on this midterm. Oh well, as long as I'm gonna do horribly anyway, I might as well not get my panties in a knot over it. I think I'll have some Cheez-its now.
October 17, 2000
Now that my evil plan to spread sewing across the globe has been set into action, I can concentrate on overthrowing the Chinese Dynasty!!
I took that Alka Seltzer again yesterday and could not stay awake! I had to have Bekah drive us home from the Doc, and once I got home, my eyes stayed closed. I helped her finish the quilt without having to get up from Chris. I used his leg for a pillow as he complained that I was being boring.
I had a copy of a Bio midterm from two years ago, but I didn't study AT ALL for the midterm today, and it turns out, the two exams were almost alike. So I hated myself today for not even glancing over it. I'm gonna try to study for the Poli Sci midterm though. And my O. Chem quiz I have today.
I've also realized what a wuss I am. I really want to be a designer, and that's what my gifts corrospond to, but I'm too scared to do it. I'm letting socialization get to me. Money and prestige are my goals, now, as I aspire to study at Logan Chiropractic. I guess sewing will become a hobby, then slowly leave my life just like acting did when my mom told me I wasn't allowed to study theatre. I had to get a "real" major.
I love Chris, I can't wait to see him today.
October 16, 2000
After church yesterday, we spent 4 hours in a fabric shop before we had to leave cause one of my friends had to be back at church. So, today we have our projects to finish and the pumpkins to carve.
There's been a spree of pumpkin smashing in our neighborhood, and if I find out who it is and I see them, I'm gonna run them down with my minivan. See how funnie it is when it's them smashed on the pavement.
If they had a little bro or sister, they'd understand how cruel they were being. These kids took a lot of time picking the pumpkins out and in decorating them, and the morning after they set them out, they wake up to Jack's guts spilling out over the street. Maybe I wouldn't run them down, but I sure would like to toss a few big Jack O'Lanterns at their head. With candles inside.
I'm too tired. I have to go now. I'm gonna skip all my classes today and chill at home with the girls. I have a Doc's appt. today. I'll prolly only need to go a few more times.
October 14, 2000
Yesterday, we had to leave the city early because of protesters and a false-alarm bomb threat made on my mom's building. She's only a legal technician, but people target these government buildings all the time. I think they're jerks. If anything ever happened to my mom, like what happened in Oklahoma City, I would personally find out who they were and beat them to death. I would do it in front of their families, so they know what it felt like for all those familes who lost their loved ones. If they have problems with our government that are so bad they feel they have to bomb things and innocent people, then they can go to another country. I bet you'd see me on the news if anything ever happened to her. I'd be beating up the news people and everything. Why would they all be standing there when there are murderers still running around?!
My mom was mad about the Navy ship that was attacked off of Norfolk, VA. That's where my brother is right now. He hasn't left port yet, though. I think he's a gunner's mate.
Chris is moving this week. =( Our neighborhoods are right next to each other and we're less than 1/2 mile apart, but now he has to go across town. After he graduates this spring, he has to move into another town that's about 30 minutes away. While he and his mom were looking for apartments, he kept thinking about places we could live. There is one really nice place and they even let you have animals for an extra $30.
It's weird, cause I know I could prevent being separated from him by jsut getting married, but that would be a stupid reason. Plus, I'm not sure if I'm going to Logan Chiropractic yet. And that's faaaaaaaaaar away.
I stayed up until 2am cleaning and doing laundry. I couldn't find our mop so I had to clean the floor on my hands and knees with a towel and a bottle of Pine Sol. I don't EVER want my head that close to a toilet again. The fun and easiest part was the shower. I sprayed Tilex before I did anything else, then, after the bathroom was clean, I just took and extra long shower, scrubbing all the ickyness away, then finally getting rid of the last bit of filth, me.
You know what would be funnie? If Bush campaigned in Kilgore, TX. I think he'd probably get in trouble for insinuations, though.
Tomorrow will be fun. I'm taking 4 people to my church that have never been there before. I've been working on a red and white checkered quilt, Bastian has completely healed, and I guess that's it for today. Work isn't too bad today. I've only been here 2 hours, though. 6 more, yuck.
:::::4:50 October 13, 2000
I kept falling asleep in my 7:30am class. I tried to hide it. I would put my hands around my head and act like I was writing in my notebook, but I probably looked stupid dangling my pencil above the cover while they had a discussion on the Middle East. I shouldn't sit up front anymore.
I try really hard to stay awake, but once my lids start closing, I have to do something so no one will see. The sleepier I get, the weirder my eyes get. They wander and when I try to concentrate on something, I go cross-eyed. Sometimes I try to pinch my hand, but I can't do it had enough when I'm tired. Slipping off my hand and having my head slam into the desk usually does the trick.
I slept through half of the lab yesterday. I was wearing a hat, so it was really easy.
Bastian has had the second bath of his life. He smells really good and everyone comments on how much lighter he looks. He had car grease and dirt on him that had built up in the past 5 years since his last bath. It was Johnson& Johnson Baby Herbal Shampoo. No more tears!! He did very well. Better than the other cat who has had way more baths. We usually have to duct tape her claws in and wear thick gloves when someone is stupid enough to try and wash her.
My soap finally became soap! It just needed a week to harden, it hadn't dried all the way. My sister and I have already used two bars of it.
There really isn't too much else going on. I might have three girls visit that I haven't seen since my freshman year of college. They'lll stay for 4 days. I get to clean the bathroom today, yippee.
My mom always goes crazy when people come over. Even if it's a small sleepover, we'll work for two days cleaning. She shampoos the carpet, lights candles, puts out scents, and brings out the nice dishes. She makes her family eat off of styrafoam (?) and mismatched tupperware from the seventies.
When I have a house, I want to use my china for my family. I'm not interested in impressing strangers. It's like, when a dad is really nice and patient at work, and they all think he's the coolest boss, but at home he lets it all out and is short-fused and impatient. I hate that.
Your family deserves the best, and they should get first pick, not your leftover aggression.
I have midterms coming up, which means I have a lot of catching up to do. I didn't so a single reading since the first week for Political Science. I could be studying right now, but I'd rather not. I think I'm gonna work on some navigation buttons for my new layout.
:::::11:30am If anyone wants to comment on the new layout, go ahead and email me. I'll send you the addy.
October 12, 2000
Eventually we are in his truck and going down that road. We are talking and his ex comes up in the convsersation. I say she's a ho, and he gets mad and begins defending her. I say I'm not taking that anymore and say I'm leaving. We are at a stoplight, so I open the door, grab my wallet and a book, and jump to the road. I run off to the right while he is still at the light. I know he will follow me and try to think of a way to hide.
The road is dirt. Almost black, soft soil. On the right, there is often a small ditch of horse urine and to the left, a small bank for a river. I try to walk to the side to avoid being hit.
I come across a horse lying in the road with a huge boulder on him. He is all black and his coat is shiny. He is dead. I look to the right and there is a black dog lying there, also dead. I get scared and watch out for falling rocks.
I hear a man coming up behind me so I crawl up the hillside on my right to let him pass. He stops and tells me something about the dog. It's a farmdog and he's suprised I'm just leaving it there. He works with the horse and it suddenly springs to life-no longer dead. He needs help getting the horse up. He has a round sausage, bigger than his fist. He raises it above the horse and the horse begins to rise to eat it. The man throws it to get the horse to fetch it like a dog, and run out from under the boulder. He does, but it falls into the river. I say I will go after it and wonder why he didn't. It is only 1ft deep. As I walk towards it, it turns into an orange ball and rolls foward. It is no longer sausage but this weird material that begins dissolving in the water. I see that the river gets deeper up ahead, maybe 3ft.
I hear something about the edge of the earth and a drop into eternity. And then, I am standing at the edge of the river. The water runs down the edge of earth. Straight ahead of me, is a wall. Like the edge of the sky, but everthing has an orange glow. between the edge of earth and the wall of sky, there is about a foot. For some reason, I step into the space and fall. I am falling into eternity. A straight drop and I can feel it. The freefall reminds me a ride I was on once at Six Flags. I scream. Catch my breath. And scream again. I wonder if I will do this forever. I am, afterall, in eternity. To one side, the wall continues, on the other, a wall of water flowing down from the river.
I am in an apartment. Bare and elegant. There is a man on a small, light blue couch. It is nighttime and there are hardwood floors. The tv infront of him illuminates his face in a blue glow.
There are 4 flies. Cartoon flies. One of them has the head of Cindy Crawford and they are singing. But with Cindy, it is her shirt that is singing. On her white tanktop, the outline of a cartoon face is made out. They say,
I just woke up. I was sleeping through lecture and this dream was so weird, I had to write it down to remember. Remembering dreams helps me to be creative.
Chris and I talked again last night. We talked forever. Lying on the daybed in the basement, his dog was on my tummy, chewing his toy. We talked about the things we thought about and about the future and made up stories of things that would happen to us. One of my favorites was me being pregnant and all hormonal. How I would yell at my waitresses and be really funnie. And my water would break in the mall. I would get mad then cry cause I'm embarassed that my mucus plug is on the floor.
We talked about duties. About each falling into our niche. Maybe he will love baking and cooking outside, and I'll always have a big brekfast prepared in the mornings. I explained the new wave of housewives. Now, we have a choice. We can be career women OR housewives. Staying at home isn't wrong. And having a career isn't wrong. I told him what I would do. I'd quilt all day, volunteer with local movements, make halloween costumes, garden, mow the lawn, take care of the pets, clean, shop, plan weekend camping trips, and help out at the library book sale. I can't understand how some women stay at home, only watching tv; I'd have to do something. I could sell crafts. Twice a year- around Christmas, then in the summer.
We also played a game. One I read about in a short story and I wanted to see what it would be like. The game is to sit and talk to each other. You relate stories to each other and in them, confess the most outrageous things you've done. In these, you put in three lies. At the end of the night, you guess which ones were lies. Chris is an openbook. I know everything about him. He's so normal, and so perfect, I could easily pick out the lies. Except one, which he insisted was true. It began to really bother me, but then it was his turn. I had actually had time to tell only one lie. That upset him. He thought they were all lies. But, he's 17 and I'm 21. And almost all the things I told him happened after I was 18.
One was especially hard for him to believe. Once, I had just gotten out of the shower. I was on the phone with a new friend who was a guy. My b/f at the time found out, and ran over to my dorm. I was in a robe and looking for clothes. He came in, slammed the phone down, and pushed me to the floor so hard I fell back and the shock kept me on the floor. I think he said something. Then he ran. It reminded me of the time I was on the phone with a girl friend from high school and I turned to see him standing in the doorway. He was angry; he thought it was a guy.
I ran out of the dorm, scared. In the English building I ran to the second floor women's bathroom and to the last stall. I stood on the toilet so noone would see my bare feet and know it was me. There, wet and wearing only a robe, I cried. And I prayed the entire time that he wouldn't find me.
I could hear his heavy footsteps in the hall. And a pause by the door. Here, I stuffed my robe in my mouth and let out a scream. He called my name and I didn't answer.
Around 2am, I finally went back. I had to reshower. I was on my period and had blood running down my thighs. It was dried and sticky.
Chris got quiet. And he held me closer.
He doesn't like my exes for many reasons. I don't like his, but my reasons aren't as good.
Something similar to the situation in the story began to unfold between us. He was Louis, and I was Sophie. And I marveled at the author's insite into human nature. I decided not to play this game again. I know Chris as well as anyone could ever hope to, and there are still things in my past that he hasn't discovered and probably shouldn't.
Sometimes I wish there was more- another side to him. But it's better to have him honest, kind, gentle, loving, and always truthful with me. I just keep expecting more. I've become that way after needing to be doubtful. As good as I was, I never caught all the girls my ex cheated with. I found out so much, though. All his lies. Lying about going to D.C when he was really going into the next town to get drunk. Dancing with the other girls. Biting friends' nipples. Pinching girls' butts. Lying about having another girlfriend. I think that if Chris doesn't have this bad side, that he's actually just to good for me. His facade is so complicated that I will never decipher it, and he will hurt me like the Ex.
I know it's not true, but I've already been programmed to think that way. It's not fair to Chris, but I try. Wow, this is such a long entry.
October 11, 2000
I really like that quote. It was said by a seventy-something man who was labeled as many things in his lifetime and rarely recognized for the genius he was. It was from one of the short stories I've been reading.
:::::8:00am
I have chosen to let my secret out. The one thing that made me so good at this game, even though it was my second time playing ever. Like life, Monopoly is not a game of chance- but of skill and cunning. For instance- every time I passed Go, instead of collecting $200, I took $500. Sometimes, I would slide my hand over the bank, swiping a $20, or Chris would forget to charge for some Avenue I had taken an interset in.
I later learned Chris, too, had been knocking off $500's from our local bank. But I proved the better cheater, the better manipulator, and the best player overall. Besides, I was a racecar and he was, hee-hee, a thimble.
:::::4:00pm
I got a B on my Organic Chem test!! Actually, it was a 68, but the average was a 65, so with the
curve it'll prolly be a B.
I liked the stories which dealt with relationships the most. Which is weird cause I always complain that everything always
has an element of "mushy" to it. Why have I never seen a Disney movie without that? And I think a lot of good comedies are made awkward with
that addition. But in these short stories, I always saw Chris and I. We were always the ones sitting on our porch on a Friday night just drinking and telling stories.
Or the Jewish man painting the synagogue with his mistress.
I was thinking about him the other day and about how I want a list of why he loves me. How corny. I guess maybe a tad insecure.
But I just want a tangible list to see. I thought of a few for him already. So you might want to stop reading cause I'm gonna get really stupid now. October 10, 2000
Or my mom will kill him if he gets in another fight that requires a vet. She said she's seriously considering having him put to sleep.
He's my baby, though. He's really cool cause he's a loner cat. I got him from the ASPCA for $14. He had HUGE feet and didn't meow until he was 8 months old, and even now he can't really do it too well. He has diahrea ALL the time and has been known to actually fart. Something we all know my dog does, but it's weird to hear a cat do it. He's a funnie kittie. When we had fish he would fall into the tank trying to get them. He never tried when we weren't around though, like the other cat, he wasn't as smart.
I'm gonna start reading again- something I haven't done since my senior year of high school- I just haven't had the time since starting college. Plus, I went through that weird transition where all the books at my level were too mature or not interesting to me, and all the ones I wanted to read were beneath my level or I had already read. It's like the transition between wearing clothes from the girl's department and moving on to Junior Misses. Of course, I still wear clothes from both. All my tops from Girl's and all my big butt pants from Misses. I'm such a loser.
By the way, here are the books I checked out today:
Francis Ford Coppola's Zoetrope All Story
Getting Home
Salsa and Chips
They're all collections of short stories. I'm trying to get into those because I've never really read any before. You know, become all knowledged about these little-known authors and stuff.
October 9, 2000
I'm working on a new layout. Version.4 I started on it this morning and made really good progress. I have that O Chem test today so I want to do some studying before I work on it much more.
I've also been thinking about keeping a real life journal instead, but I'd go through web designing withdrawl. I looooooooove making new pages.
I've had, like, 7 advil so far today and that was only for two doses. I had to hold myself back from taking 7 just this morning. Sometimes I think I hate Eve for bringing this burden on us.
When you think about it, though, she was the strong one. She told the serphant NO, but he didn't listen to her and kept trying to persuade her and he twisted things around. Eventually, she was convinced that it would actually be pleasing to God. Adam on the other hand, was not a thinker. He didn't even question Eve; it was put in front of his face and he ate it. Just like men, he lacked sense.
SO, even though I curse her name every month, at least we weren't cursed with Adams's brains.
Chris is always saying he's such a traditionalist, so I'm freaking him out by convincing him that if he wants to get married, he has to ask my dad first. He's sooo scared, now! He's trying to get back at me by making me tell his mom, which I'm fine with but we're waiting because of the divorce.
October 8, 2000
I also thought about the fact that I may reveal too much online- not necessarily to strangers, but people I know. This is my journal and I say stupid stuff sometimes and I should be able to talk about people but can't 'cause they might be reading.
For instance- Yesterday I really had to go potty during a seminar. I know it's gross, but you know what? Everybody poops and you're a freak if you don't.
Last night Chris and I talked forever. We talked about his parents' divorce and then about getting married. I know he's totally all for it and he knows he'll marry me. I'm the one who feels bad because he'll only be 19. I think he should date other people and stuff or at least travel or do SOMETHING to find himself or live a little before making that life-long decision. When I turned 18, I completely changed in SO many ways, and I don't want to take that opportunity away from him.
Plus, I've been in a situation at least once before where I KNEW I'd end up marrying a person and ended up really despisng him afterward or seeing how wrong it would have been. So I'm just trying to be really careful.
I can't wait to finalize all those designs I have for the dresses, though. I should be a wedding coordinator- I'm more interested in color schemes and veils sometimes than I am in the whole "holy union" part.
I have an Organic Chemistry Test tomorrow- I think I'll get at least a C or a B. I prayed about it, and I've been studying, so I'm not too worried. It's scheduled at night, though. That means I have to stay on campus for 14 hours. I hate that...
October 6, 2000
Get out stupid hair!! It's so annoying to have to keep blinking like that.
I leave right after school today to go to some place for a women's retreat. The Confident Woman. I'll come back really bold and secure and stuff, I guess. I'm really just going for the food and activities. There's an indoor pool, horseback riding, tennis courts, bike rentals, hiking trails and FOOD!! I'm always so hungry, I'm gonna look foward to having food available. I got spoiled that year I spent living in a dorm. Three meals a day, what a treat!! Now, I'm away from home for 12 hours at a time and rarely get more than crackers or a Slim Fast shake for lunch. I had four servings of ice cream and cereal for dinner. Then my mom actually cooked something because she was off that day. Usually there's nothing but alcohol and eggs and salad dressing in the fridge. No wonder I stay thin.
I hate this- I'm either gonna stop writing here so much or trim my nails. I haven't even been taking care of them, but they're growing like crazy and make typing so awkward. They're pretty, though.
what else...Bastian ran out this morning when we let the dog out. Now he'll prolly get hurt cause he can't see well with that funnel on his head. We've spent $500 on him this summer from vet bills and if he gets hurt again, it would almost make sense to say, "I'm through with this!" and get rid of him. But he's my baby. I'll keep him. He'll just have to nurse himself back to health sans the aid of professionals. Maybe I'll go to the library and fix him up myself. If I spend one more dollar on him, I won't b able to afford tuition...
I also found out yesterday that if I had the exact same personality, same length hair, same body shape, same size boobs, same Everything, but I was black, Chris prolly wouldn't date me. If I was a darker mexican, his grandparents prolly wouldn't have liked me so much, too.
Doesn't racism suck?
:::::2:45pm I'm gonna leave in less than an hour to go to the trip. I was playing around with a calculator (cause im all nerdy like that) and I figured out that I spent $423.65 on books for this quarter. Over $400 for books!! And after three months, I don't even need them any more!! If they pull some crap about switching to a newer edition next quarter and they don't buy my books back, I WILL KILL!!!!!!!!!
My books cost what 1/3 of my tuition costs!! No wonder school's cheap here, cause they get you with the books!
I'm gonna miss Chris so much. I can't see him until Saturday night.
October 4, 2000
I am out of soap though. I keep forgeting to get another bar. I'm down to two thin slivers which I tend to lose a lot. Like it'll get stuck between my toes or something. They'll probably wash down the drain by tomorrow morning. I've had to use a body wash for 75% of my hygiene needs. I'm only telling you cause I know you REALLY care.
As I stepped out of the shower this morning, I flung the curtain back and shrieked cause my perv dog was staring. Then I just dried myself standing in the bathtub with all that water still standing. Maybe I'll leave him outside tonight, instead. My cat, Bastian, goes to the vet today. Hopefully, they'll take that ugly tube out of his leg.
::::: 8:45am One last bit of procrastination before I do some studying for a quiz I have soon: October 3, 2000
Chris is gonna buy me a ring soon. I told him he should just buy me body jewelry, but he HATES piercings. Oh well. A present's a present, I guess. I can't see him until late tonight cause he's at a fireman school all day. And my sister has band and my dad's in D.C., so it's just my mom and I. We'll probably make soap if she doesn't get in a bad mood.
My doctor said she was really impressed by my improvement. She complimented the way I view things now, and stuff and said I had a purty smile.
I have to study for my Organic Chem. Quiz now.
October 2, 2000
There's also this weird tube sticking out of his leg and his skin is stitched up over it. And there are various places of his body that were shaved because he was cut there. It costs $200. And I had to shell an extra $50 for the carrier and water bottle and some kitty treats to make him feel better. I prolly won't be able to do any frivilous spending for a while
I gotta do my homework now. I did absolutely nothing over the weekend. I went out to eat with Chris and his mom, visited his grandparents, sewed a button on for my dad, and went to church. Other than that, I just hung out with Chris-oh, yeah, and I worked at the museum.
>=(
I wish school was at least cheaper.
Gurlpages lost today's entry.
Working on 5 quilts. I'm gonna fail if I keep quilting like this. I haven't even looked at a single vocab word since last Friday. They breifly mentioned self-control at church yesterday. I had to shrink into my seat
I'm a quilting addict. It's where all my time and money goes. I don't sleep at night. I'd rather quilt than eat or go to the bathroom. Which happened yesterday. Eventually I threw the scissors down, mad at myself, and went to the potty. Wow, I'm a froot loop.
Chris and I saw Bedazzled last night, and it was really funnie. At first, I felt all weird or something because although it's just a movie, it does kind of glorify the devil, but it turned out to have a really good ending. Then we rented Stephen King's Thinner.
One of the cats is sick. Woke up to puke everywhere. And, one of them pooped on the carpet RIGHT NEXT TO the litter box. I stepped in it. I was mad. They will not be sleeping in the house any longer.
=Þ
"A woman without a man, is like a fish without a bicycle."
Quote taken from scribble on desk calender.
We had 8 people at the Bible Study last night. We learned about God's Will. I was a loser and took notes. I'll try to put it up after midterms so now everyone will know how to discover God's plan for them. Whoo-hooo!
An ex.
I suprised him one day by announcing I knew her phone number, address, car model, year, and accesories. As well as how she dressed and what she looked like. All this because over a year ago he happened to mention her last name.
Bio Lecture
Poli Sci Lecture
Bio Lab
Meet Anthony
Buy Fabric
Go to Home Depot
Study Poli Sci
Tell Chris about today's stroke of genius
Give him kiss
Plan Friday Night
Update Journal
Chris bought me clogs yesterday, whoo-hoo!
Public Virginity Exams
It's actually a political writing discussing an old tradition in South Africa which many believe actually promotes sexual abuse rather than hinder it.
There was this race where the men wore thongs. I guess to cut down on resistance and clothing weight.
Making fun of J. Crew's models.
Dissing all the myths perpetuated by the Big Girl mags. Like, when they tell you to pretend to like sports to impress him, Jane says, if you don't like sports, so what? Are you gonna lie to him just to be liked?
Bekah made a quilt and Ali made a skirt =)
I taught one of my friends how to make a skirt, and the other how to quilt. In return, one of them gave me their cooties, and now I'm sick with a Virginia thing. My eyes are all watery and my throat feels like it's closing up.
My friends should be here around 5pm. I'm really excited. but mostly just hoping they have a safe trip here. We might go to a Haunted House cause Chris really wants to go. We were also invited to a hay ride, so we'll decide when they get here. My sister is having a party tonight, so she might want us out of the house.
Almost time to leave and see if my friends are here yet!! 10 more minutes!! I'm so hungry I feel like I'm gonna faint. I wish I'd had lunch. I hope I drive ok...
Hmm....I just remembered I'm locked out of the house. Crap.
Well, I gotta go close down the museum, now.
I'm wearing Chris's shirt. Smells like him.
The fruit of my morning labor is a new design! I've already started moving in to the new host. Hopefully this will be my last move before I buy my own domanin; ahhh, the dream....
I was at this store and Chris came in to buy something and to pick me up. When we walked out into the parking lot, he got upset; his truck was gone. We walked all around the lot looking for it, but it was stolen. He was really upset, and I wondered if he had locked the doors or if he had left the keys in it. I think it might be someone he knows. I left my wallet in there. He says he did too, and I have to get a new insurance card, social security card, voter registration card, and license. I am slightly elated at the chance to redo the pic. Chris is upset cause he will need a new one too. He's a minor and already has a duplicate, so he will be in trouble. Last time, he dated a girl at the BMV and she got the new license for him. We walk to a busstop on the sidewalk and see some kids we know.
"This is a stupid movie. Or is it Messiah?"
And then I know everything was a preview. A preview for a movie, and I wonder how I fit in.
All subsequent diagnoses-and let me tell you, there have been a number-are the result of two forces, both in their way pernicious.
1) The attempt by the psychiatric establishment over the last century to redefine eccentricity as illness...
-Adam Haslett
Last night, I was made a master over Chris' existence. Me, a racecar, proved more able and powerful over his thimbled-self whom had visited Jail 8 times. hee-hee. I owned three railroads, the water company, the electric company, Boardwalk, Park Ave, and many other small, frivilous investments. He got a $50 public urination fee because we always change the Chance cards to make the game more exciting. And he was also tipped $50 by the mayor as he was stripping downtown. I won $10 in a beauty contest. That was the only exciting card I got cause Chris is bad at making things up.
Almost done with Zoetrope: ALl Story. Some of the stories werre really good.
I didn't get into the original essays on film, though. They seem dry.
I love his eyes. I was never really for blue eyes, but his are different. His ex told him they were like ice, but I think they're oceans. Wonderful, clear, bright blue oceans. There's such depth to them and if I tried, I could draw out a map. Like beyond the lens, is a whole other world to be explored.
And his teeth. He's got those two vampire teeth that are set back and beautiful. I love staring at them, but he's soooo self-conscious and quickly presses his lips tightly together. Then I have to pry his mouth open like force-feeding my cat medicine.
His nails are the perfect length. Never dirty, long, or chewed. And his hands are the perfect size. They aren't huge and violent-looking and they aren't girly. They aren't really soft, but they're not rough either.
And I love well-groomed heads of hair as much as I love a soft mess of hair. Chris's hair is never messy, though. Except for the few occasions when he will let me run my fingers through his hair,
defeating the will of all his gel. Then, his curly hair becomes a wonderful swirly mass. I was never into blondes before him, either.
He's also my best friend. Except for when I'm PMSing (as much as I hate the cliche) we almost never fight. We only laugh. Together and at each other. And it doesn't hurt when we laugh at each other like it would if someone else did.
He always smells good.
Bastian has convinced me to NEVER have children, EVER. With children, I at least get the comfort of knowing they will one day outgrow that stage where they poop everywhere, but that doesn't warm me up to the idea. I spent 30 minutes yesterday cleaning his room. He has chronic digestive problems. I just imagined myself bent over the kitchen floor wiping up baby puke or something. Plus, Bastian WALKED through it and there were poopy footprints everywhere- on the washer, on the dryer, the vent, the carrier, and he somehow managed to scoop it into his funnel, too. I may kill him if I have to do it all over again tonight...
=(
Francis Ford Coppola
Vicki Covington
Daniel Reveles
I'm so excited!! I started my period; I'm a WOMAN, Now!! Whoooooo!!!
Every time's like the first time.
I was one of the only people at the Luau with a 2-piece, so a lot of people stared. Plus, I was the youngest person there, so the others were not as familiar and comfortable with body piercings as I. It was fun, though. That's where I was yesterday, too, which means I had to make it up by working today.
Anyway, so after I went I flushed, and one of them wouldn't go down. I flushed again, and it was still floating. It was the only stall in that bathroom and I knew someone would come in soon. I decided that instead of flushing again, I would run and hopefully just miss the next person in. As soon as I opened the door, two women, from the seminar and the table next to mine, walked in. How embarrassing. Now they all know I left a floater after I tried so hard to get rid of it.
No, seriously, I'm not winking at you, there's something in my eye...
=(
::::: 7:45am I made soap yesterday!! It was really cool cause I used this Chinese character mold for tranquility, peace, etc.
But, I think I did something wrong because it smells like crap and it's orange and still sticky. I would never wash with it.
I'm still trying to decide on the jeweled curved barbell, I couldn't really picture it, so I opened up a pic of myself in Adobe and did a little investigative work.
One of my cat's wounds started to ooze yesterday...ew!
I have to lay warm compresses on him today and clean his room. Giving him his medicine is really easy; I just stick the dropper in his mouth and he drinks it up. I feel sorry for him at night, though. When I turn off the lights and go upstaris I hear him crying forever wanting to be let out of his room. But if he was, he would fall down the stairs or get puss on all the furniture. SInce the cat is in the dog's room, the dog sleeps in the upstairs bathroom. It's so weird having him stare as I try to get undressed for my shower...I need to get a blindfold for him.
=)
She even said maybe I'll get to have hypnosis, yip-eee!!
My cat has to stay in that funnel thing for like a week, at least. He hates it and keeps taking it off. I had to buy a carrier for him and a water bottle cause his head doesn't fit in the water bowl. And I feed him canned food by hand cause the funnel pushes food out of his reach as he tries to eat it out of a bowl. He has to stay in the laundry room because if he uses the stairs he'll fall down them. He can't judge distances and stuff.