12:47pm,
i've gained 10 pounds in the past couple of weeks. sheesh! i guess it's cause winter is coming

7:37am,
here's my cell phone message:
Melida's Erotic Cakes. I'm unable to answer the phone right now but please leave your name, number, and a detailed description of your cake. Thanks!

but i had forgotten that. so ive been giving my number out to people in my classes and they thought i had given them my business phone number. i was like, uh, no, i don't make erotic cakes for a living.

i hung out with chris last night which was- eh. i mean, i had fun but i missed him. people don't change when you break up, you know? i missed having him as my best friend. and he still has "feelings" for me which complicates things, i think. his mom was giving me nasty looks and didn't even say hi.

then i had a long talk with randall. a long SERIOUS talk. it was good that we were able to discuss so much but the reason we needed to talk in the first place isn't such a great one. in fact, it sucks. but i don't feel like going into details, just that it's something REALLY big.

september 25, 2001

7:46am,
i was cleaning my room last night and realized that one of my journals is gone. i have a lot of them because i'll start writing and then just get out of the habit. i have like 5 that i've started and never made it halfway with. anyway, this one is the most recent one that ive written in and- uh, it's pretty full of lots of stuff i'd rather not have my family know about. it's most likely my parents cause they watch tv in my room a lot and the notebook was right by my bed.
hmm...this is not good.

september 24, 2001

1:31pm,
heard randall's poems he wrote. half were from before he was a Christian, the others after. the first ones were full of hate, frustration and indifference. they were actually really good- even thought they had so many "f*ck"s in them. don't have anything to say really. i feel closed. like, from everything. i can't explain it. like im somehow stopping myself from feeling. for the past 4 days i can't make anything real. everything is just stuff. neutral. what i hate the most is that when i pray i have to stop and remember im talking to God, not just saying words. bah. maybe it'll go away today, but im afraid i know why it's coming back.

avoidance. feelings make you vulnerable and leave you open to disappointment and hurt. so ive stopped feeling for now. means it'll be harder to get ahead at all with randall. but like i said, maybe it's just the weather.

went out after a bible study last night and hanging outside eating ice cream, they all started farting! that was funnie yet i opted not to join in. then i gave my waffle cone with cinnamon ice cream (favorite) to ranadll cause he liked it better than his. that's sacrifice. maybe he'll see that. hmmm, ive really gotta pee now.

september 23, 2001

1:09pm,
stupid, austrailan whore. first of all, ripping your hair out from the roots is not painless. second, your product doesn't even work, you get all that pain for nothing.
*pissed*
i was trying to see if i could go a really long time without shaving but after about a week, my leg hairs just hurt. i can't explain why, but they did. so i decided to cheat. waxing isn't shaving. so i got a hold of someone's nad's (not those, the austrailian goop) and tried that yet after a while i only took off like 3 hairs. then i tried nair which i left on way longer than they recommended and it still didn't work. in the end i gave in and shaved. i must have, like, the strongest, most stubborn hair in the world.

hung out with randall all day yesterday and got pissed at him when he wouldn't let me have a cookie. eh, i don't feel like talking about that- im pissed that i have to be on this stupid diet.

september 21, 2001

11:43am,
put an old poem into the art section

8:57am,
my sis sent me a pic the other day that you really have to see. it's over here

8:21am,
i sprained my knee from walking so much yesterday. i was looking for a salvation army, but it turns out that the address doesn't even exist!! and i was all ready to do some mad cheap-shopping.
=(
oh yes. hmmm. i've decided that im not going to say "i love you" to randall first. if we ever get to that point, im not going to be the one to take us there. the reason is a little stupid i think and im still not so sure about it. i don't wanna be like, this "typical girl" all attatched and sappy, you know? saying "i love you" makes you the vulnerable one because in that moment you can be rejected or affirmed. it's like placing yourself on a sacrificial table and giving them the knife. what will they do?

there might be other reasons, too, but im still kind of thinking them over. and it's so easy for me to love someone. i don't want people thinking i fall in love easily, cause i don't. but it's easy for me to love people. everyone is worthy of love and i guess i just see that but it can make me look stupid, i think. hmm....i don't know if that makes sense.

8:01am,
even though the package claims that you get blah-blah number of sqaures per roll, you really aren't getting that much toilet paper. You lose the first 5 squares right from the start because of that weird glue stuff that makes you rip the first squares into strips and you just can't wipe with strips. Then the last 3 sqaures are glued to the roll. i think every roll should come with an extra 10 squares to make up for this factory defect cause goodness knows that when i go, i need every sqaure i can spare.

talked to two exes last night. the convos didn't end very well. chris is mad at me sort of because of something i said about randall and i. and anthony is still kinda confused i think. *sigh* had a good talk with randall. he's so awesome, i still can't believe we're together. i get to see him when he gets off work at midnight.

and the seminary student e-mailed me and said i had a gift =)
he enjoyed the lesson i gave wed. night and said i also had a talent for writing the group e-mails. the only thing he said i should work on is my confidence and not bashing myself. i get so nervous that i think i have to apologize to people for my lesson sucking, but i guess i shouldn't do that cause on some level it's not me teaching, but God speaking through me. so that's cool.

september 20, 2001

8:05am,
had over 20 people at my house last night for bible study and i got to teach. i think it went well. i was really nervous, though cause it turned out that the seminary student was able to be there after all. chris came and at first i thought it'd be really awkward, but everyone was very nice to him and so i didn't feel bad.

"Touch Him This Way" is one of the articles in my new cosmo and it's funnie the way my mom freaks out every time my magazines come in the mail. my dad is ultra-conservative and would prolly be mad to know that a miss Princess Spanky had a subscription to such a sexual magazine. whenever it comes in, i find it under a pillow or something on my bed. Anyway i have lots to do but first im gonna find out "The One Word He's Dying to Hear During Sex."

september 19, 2001

3:37pm,
almost done with the lesson im writing for bible study tonight. im doing it on pride. it kinda seems like it would be out of place or that it would make people uncomfortable, but last week all this info about pride just kept coming to me and i wrote it all down. and yesterday i was told last minute that i would need to lead tonight so it only made sense to use pride since i already did all that research last night. so it'll go well. whether there's someone there that really needs to hear this or it just starts a really good discussion.

i feel like crap. all dizzy and nauseous. i hate that. bah. oh well.

11:20am,
first day of classes. i wrote a bad check for tuition but im mailing it so i have another day or so to figure out where the money will come from. spent the night at randall's last night. talked until 4am. it's weird because he's studying psychology and when we talk, it's almost like he's using stuff he's learned to make sense of everything. oh, and i have a "helper personality". that is probably more than i want to get into, i think. basically, because of some junk from a long time ago, i can totally remove myself from certain situations. also, in cases like this the person usually develops multiple personalities around the early twenties. im kind of like, whatever, but at the same time freaking out. what if i get multiple personalities?! this is like when i think about spontaneous combustion. i hate that term. just thinking about it freaks me out. what if i spontaneously combust just because im thinking about it? eeek!! weird.

im thinking of looking into that more, but not today. im teaching bible study tonight so i've got a lot of work to do right now. hmmm...i think i left my flamigo pants at randall's.

september 18, 2001

1:53pm,
i am so nauseous right now. it's so horrible. i have no idea why i've been like this the past few days but i think im gonna fast. let everything in my body fix itself without introducing anything else that might send it out of whack. plus, im going to an amusement park this weekend and there's no way i can go and be this nauseous.

10:05am,
went to a concert last night with a bunch of girls. the first two bands were really good. then, as soon as Lifehouse comes out i hear this voice,
"melida, if you don't get out right now, you will pass out."
i recognized the quiet whisper of my body and began my walk out. i had the best place in the whole building. there was noone in front of me and the band was like 5 feet away. of course, i sacrificed this spot in order to save some face and not pass out right into the pit below.

the further i got, the more out of it i was. i was walking into people and just looking at the ground as everything got blurry. i couldn't feel my legs anymore and it was as if i had forgotten how to walk. putting one leg in front of the other felt awkward and i swayed- running into poles. as i neared the rear, i somehow kept getting closer to the ground, like i was hunched over. i finally made it to the entrance and sat on a step with my head in my hands. i sat there forever. after finally getting my vision and breathing back, i looked up and saw the two bands that had opened. Well, that's cool. so i got autographs and drooled over how cute all the boys were.

found out yesterday that chris is really depressed over everything and i hate that. i tried so hard not to leave him like he left me. but i think that in trying to still be his friend, i may have led him on so going out with randall was even more of a shock. school starts tomorrow for both of us and i hope he meets someone. i hate leaving people like that- sad.

but on a happier note, randall and i are doing really well. i talked to him til 2am on the phone while kristin and i made something to eat. we were so tired all kristin and i could talk about was farting and other nasties. then i showed kristin some really nice examples- after i evacuated her from the 10 ft. radius surrounding me.

september 17, 2001
2:24pm,

this is gonna be randall's 22nd b-day gift from me. pretty. oh, and the link takes you to the site where i illegally borrowed this pic.

10:21am,
me no makeup
looking startled
being weird

10:06am,
saturday night we went to a party where there were only 3 sober people. I got to meet lots of randall's friends, though. then sunday we went to church and it was so full people were standing all the way back to the wall and chairs were set up in the lobby so people can watch the tv's which air the sermon. afterward we had a ground-breaking ceremony and there was a rainbown around the sun- no rain or anything either. this week, a bank out of nowhere offered to give our church over 2 million so we could break land and start building. it was cool. then we hung out with randall's best friend and went to another church which was awesome. i love seeing randall when he's in worship. their service always makes me want to cry and gives me goosebumps. then we went to grater's with a bunch of people from church and then to houndogs for pizza. then randall drove me home. and that was my weekend.

randall is so much fun. we went to the salvation army on saturday and he bought some clothes. and except for the fact that he's looking like a werewolf (was in a bet not to shave and has now decided to let his hair grow for one year) i still think he's pretty cute. above all, it's his faith in God and his attitude i love.

OH, and my butt was grabbed by six different people at the church picnic thing yesterday.

september 15, 2001

12:59pm,
working. well, sort of. haven't really done too much yet, but it's alright.

had a dream that i was pregnant and i gave birth to a cute little kitten. they wanted to put a catheter in my pee hole, but i stopped them and walked myself to the bathroom with "myself" still opened up and with birth stuff hanging out. my kitten was orange and such a darling. then i dreamt that at a slaughter house they were taking the fetus from a pregnant pig (something done in real life as the pig is processed and the fetus is shipped to a medical supplier company). when i woke up i was like, "im pregnant!" then, "wait- that's not possible"
hung out with chris yesterday and we ended up getting in a fight. same old stuff and trying to pass blame for the whole breakup. bah. im tired of that game. can't wait to see randall today- i wanna go to the salvation army to buy cheap junk.

september 14, 2001

12:26pm,
i forgot to mention that i've grabebd 6 different pairs of man-boobs this month alone. from nothing-but-nipple to some B-cups. was fun and i see why men are so obessessed now.

as soon as this allergy thing that is making my nose bleed goes away, im donating my plasma. this weekend i am also going through my room to look for anything i can sell. im borrowing $300 from my mom til fri and im getting $300 from my dad w/o telling my mom. if worse comes to worse, my body is for sale. psych.

randall is growing a fro now

what else is new...im working at the motorcycle museum tomorrow and going to a party with randall, which im not looking foward to. im gonna be such a geek, i bet. i bet i freak and i end up acting all shy and quiet and make him look stupid. or not. he wouldn't wanna go with me if he wasn't all proud of dating me or whatever. and he wouldn't call me and hang out with me and ask me to sleepover all the time if he didn't like being with me. so maybe i'll just get over it and have fun.

10:17am,
there is no way i can think of to be able to afford tuition this quarter. especially cause i haven't even paid last quarter's yet. I thought of asking my dad to spot me but my mom started yelling at me,
don't you even think of asking us for money!!

shoot. she's so mean. and such a pessimist. i suppose it all goes to my bro is a big dick wad and giving us his $18,000 debt along with a car that has all sorts of repairs to be done. he's a jerk. he just had his one year anniversary with his wife last week and i bet he didn't even send her a card. you suck. now i have to work 6 days a week and i still can't afford school.

i thought last night about selling a lot of my clothes and starting donating plasma. But i thought i read somewhere that plasma donation wasn't that safe.

september 13, 2001

12:57pm,
Randall's b-day is Oct 13th and I'm gonna have his labret pierced as his present. Then, I have to take him thrift store shopping cause i lost a bet. I also got pics of his tattoos developed over the weekend and the heart with all the blood freaked my parents out.

11:15am,
from bible study
Last night we put speaking about money off for another week while we dealt with the questions and confusion we had about Tuesday's events.

Through everything- even bad, some good will inevitably come if we allow it to. As horrible as these acts of terrorism were, as a nation we are unifying ourselves and putting aside differences to try and help in such numbers that the Red Cross is actually turning people away. We can also see how short our time is here and everything kind of fades in importance. Spending time with loved ones becomes so much more important than a test coming up in school or some outfit we really wanna buy. Our goals are even changing and we see how important it is to witness to those around us, because they could be taken in a second.

We talked about what a proper response is to all this, also. On our behalf, we have a lot of prayer to do. Prayer for our leaders is important because they are the ones faced with the decisions that will shape history. They are responsible for millions of lives and the future of our country. We must pray that they can act with wisdom and patience. For the rescue workers and volunteers as they work to find survivors and restore the city. We should pray for the families of the victims as they go through this ordeal and that they may have understanding and peace. And for the people that did this to us; as much as we'd like to pray them into hell instead, we need to pray that they have a conviction for what they've done and that they repent. Also, pray for our country as a whole and the restoration of normality.

Talk to your friends, witness to your loved ones and coworkers. Live every day like it may be your last.

Psalms 39:2-7
I was mute and silent,
I refrained even from good,
And my sorrow grew worse.

My heart was hot within me,
While I was musing the fire burned;
Then I spoke with my tongue:

"LORD, make me to know my end
And what is the extent of my days;

"Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight;
Surely every man at his best is a mere breath. Selah.

"Surely every man walks about as a phantom;
Surely they make an uproar for nothing;
He amasses riches and does not know who will gather them.

"And now, Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in You."

10:23am,
im better today. had lots of time to think over things and talk to people. even though this is such a horrible thing to have happened, i am actually seeing some good come from it. like the way it seems americans are uniting to help each other. or the way i now see how very unimportant things like work and school really are. theres no point to stressing out over those things.

classes are starting next week and i also go see a concert with my sis and some friends.

september 11, 2001

11:35am,
i think they're evacuating my city and they're closing down the university, too so i may be going home soon. i called randall. he doesn't watch tv or listen to the news, so i called him and told him. this is insane and i still can't believe it.

10:40am,
I hate this. I feel like- I don't know. Like I should have known. Like I somehow should have had a preminition of this horrible morning and I should have been at those airports and done something to stop takeoff. I hate this. It makes me feel weak and like I'm only human and I feel like I should be so much more. It scares me to know this is all I am. And not knowing what will happen next. Will we find them and that's it? Will some war start? Will my siblings in Europe be shipped out somewhere because of this? I don't feel well.

10:24am,
my mother is being evacuated from her job right now.

10:14am,
whoever is bombing government buildings and so forth had better cut it out cause its not fucking funnie. if you ever get anywhere near the govt buildings my parents work in i will find out who you are, rip off your testicles, shove them down your throat and hold them there until you choke to death. but before that, i'll torture your family in front of you so you'll know just how i felt.

when the guy i work with told me this morning, i thought it was a joke, but we're listening to the news on his comp right now. man, i hate those people. how can they take so many innocent lives?! how can they fucking do that? IF YOU HATE OUR COUNTRY, THEN STAY IN YOUR OWN, FUCKERS!!

september 10, 2001

11:01am,
one of the links to the left is for a girl that cuts herself. someone was at my site yesterday and thought that was me. it then somehow spread all over church that i cut myself and have sleeping with some guy named MIke. So a group of people actually gathered around and talked about me and my "self mutilation"!!! they even called chris to see if he knew about it. that's how i found out. the whole thing put randall in this big anxiety thing and he took out his psychology books and researched it to be ready for when i stopped by. anyway, this wed they may be planning an intervention for me.

10:01am,
randall and i were gonna make homemade mashed potatos last night, but we ended up with a pot full soggy potatos cause we were way too full after our popscicles and garlic spaghetti. I also lost a game of darts last night and because of this, had to kiss someone's butt. The winner gets his ass kissed. I just barely lost, though.

and now that my 'rents are home, there are no more randall slumber parties. that sucks. now i have to give myself an hour to drive to campus.

september 9, 2001

4:37pm,
I don't care what anyone else says. Peeing in the shower is NOT gross. It's a freaking shower!! The whole purpose is to CLEAN. The pee goes right down the drain with a bunch of soap so it can't possibly be gross. Besides, it encourages water-conservation and multi-tasking for those busy mornings. Everyone knows the morning pee is the longest pee.

2:23pm,
hi, randall!! uh, don't think im a weirdo now....

1:38pm,
the best part of my weekend was probably when randall accidently set his jeans on fire at jenny's house. Oh, and here's a pic of him.

Most homes take pride in their child's achievement by placing a high grade on a test or a picture on the refrigerator. In my home, in our kitchen a guest can read the following posted up on our fridge:
Dear Melida,
We are pleased to inform you that your Pap Smear came out normal...
Good Job!!

I was so proud of myself that i took the liberty of highlighting the good part and putting it up for my parents to see when they get home today. Go me!!

Did tons over the weekend. Sewed with Randall (how freaking cool is it that he can do that?), played frisbee golf (my frisbee rarely spent time outside of a tree), and hung out with friends. I also learned that i have more than just 2 sins/ faults as previously thought. PRIDE. I believe this is a sin that you can't recognize in yourself. So today I'm sitting here at work figuring out how im gonna battle this. God gave me the resources when i worked on anger and i know he'll help me with this too. i've already got a ton of info i need to go through. I love that He speaks to me through so much. church, randall, a song...God can use anything to do his will.
I'm sounding "churchy" again, aren't i?

september 7, 2001

1:38pm,
Dead Alive is a horrible movie! the zombies were having sex and the female gave birth to a baby zombie and their necks were detatched and bloody and then there was this giant rat ('bout 15ft tall) that had huge hanging boobs and it was the mother zombie who came back and took her son and put him in her stomach saying, no one will love you like your mother can!! i can't believe some of these movies were ever made Like Pink Flamingos. *shudders*

at work and bored. thinking about buying ben harper's burn to shine or radiohead just cause randall loves them.

10:16am,
saw chris yesterday. actually hung out with him then at 1am i went to randall's to spend the night. was very fun, but- uh, very weird at times. i went to sleep around 7am and now im soooo tired. two hours of sleep.

he made me dinner (2am) and went over the lryics to this song called Bleed Please by Ben Harper and what they meant to him. He sang softly and closed his eyes as i became aware that i was really, really tired. by the end of the night, out of nowhere i began saying,
"blue seaweed. my eyes were half open, randall, and it looked like blue seaweed on top."
"west 19 ave. when your foot is by my knee like that, i think of w.19th"
i was making NO sense at all and he must've thought i was a doofus.

september 6, 2001

1:16pm,
I flipped open my bible to this:
"O my God, I am too ashamed and disgraced to lift my face to you, my God, because our sins are higher than our heads and our guilt has reached to the heavens." Ezra 9:6

blah. that's how i feel right now. anyway, i made my decision on the issue. I'm leaving it all to God. I'm not relying on man's technology or opinion. I'll use this to prove something to Him, and to see what He wants. I can't tell if I'm scared or not, though.

12:11pm,
Oh, one thing i purposefully failed to mention is that i did something totally STUPID within the past 12 hours and I'm working like mad to try and fix what i may have done.
STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!! Ahhhhhhh! I have only two faults, but man are they big ones.... They aren't normal ones like being judgemental or selfish. They're ones that totally make me look bad and lazy. Procrastination and Lust. Ahhhh, I hate these demons!!!

11:36am,
la dee da. i just remembered when randall was in the kitchen making pizza and he had a Corona Light with a lime wedge in it and when he kissed me he tasted like the beer.

I think I've got an addiction. Man Boobs. I love squeezing man boobs. I love watching man boobs as a man jogs. I've squeezed 4 pairs of man boobs this week so far. Ahh, man boobs.

10:19am,
around 2am randall and i went to kroger to get a frozen pizza cause i was starving. then, sometime around 3am, over pizza and soda while watching Deuce Bigalow, I got myself a boyfriend. Wheeeeee!! Anyway, it's cool cause he's "meli-size" and he's the first guy whose clothes i can really borrow. james said that when i talk about him i make a sound like a hamster squealing. uh, anyway, we stayed up til 5:30am talking and cuddling and blah blah- stuff you really don't want to know, I bet.

i was totally paranoid that he didn't think i was pretty or whatever, cause most guys usually come out and say it but he didn't, but after last night i know he thinks im REALLY attractive. he's so much fun and i love talking to him and hanging with him- oh yes, and he's not a bad kisser (again, info you could have done without). Oh, and if it isn't obvious, i spent the night at his place again. see, my mom left a list of rules. like these:
no boys after 10pm
no boys in your room
so if the boys can't come to melida, melida goes to the boys. aren't i smart?!

oh, and i told chris last night. he's so pissed. the breakup is just now becoming real to him, i think. i feel bad for him though cause i don't want him to go through that hurt, but i think im REALLY supposed to be with randall if for nothing else, his awesome passion for God and all the stuff he's overcome in his life. the only thing is this- i listen to EVERY kind of music on the earth EXCEPT jazz. guess what he listens to? oh and bands like BootyJuice and Bjork. Yeah.

i just found out that i got straight A's over summer quarter. yeah, that's what im talking 'bout!

september 4, 2001

2:23pm,
"...you, my little mexican friend, are a physical manifestation of temptation."
-james on melida.

1:06pm,
highlight of the day:
getting stuck between the back piece and the arm rest of my chair here at work. then having to get the other consultant to help me out and not look stupid.

i decided to make a list of things God wants me to have in a relationship. this will require reading and listening. bah. so far i've done so well, though. everything He's told me so far i've worked on. everything except self-control anyway. im not sure if im even trying or just ignoring this lesson because self-control sucks. but ultimately when i follow these lessons, i will be happier. bah, why do i have to be so freakin wise?

10:43am,
oh, im not wearing any underwear today!! whooo-hoooo! COMMANDO MELIDA!!!

9:45am,
don't tell anyone, but i just farted in here. hee-hee.

hmm....if i ever had any doubts about whether or not randall had any real feelings for me, i suppose they were all cleared up last night when i spent the night at his place. im wearing his clothes right now, too cause mine were all smoky from Houndogs last night and prolly covered in my drool. i had to use his deorderant and my finger to brush my teeth, though. so watch out, my breath is prolly rank this morning.

sunday night, i didn't go to bed until 6:30am monday morning. then, until 5pm, i walked around my house butt-naked!! whooo!!! i love having my family gone!! but i wonder if things will be totally awkward now between chris and i, and randall and i. i mean, one of the biggest things he admires about me is my knowledge of God and my faith. then i go and sleep with him (SLEEP with him NOT have SEX with him) (but would still infer that perhaps some stuff DID happen other than sex)(but nothing totally horrible). oh well. im hoping my van doesn't get broken into today cause it's parked on campus- maybe ilegally.

september 2, 2001

1:30pm,
Tired like you wouldn't believe. My weekend started out with huge clouds of white smoke pouring out of Chris's dad's micro after I tried to warm up a dinner. The entire apartment became smoky and my stupid dinner was still frozen. After we found out it was officially dead, i moved my salisbury steak and potatos from the micro to the stove. I begged chris not to tell his dad, so we'll see if he comes through for me.

then around midnight i went to jenny's and met with randall. we stayed up ALL NIGHT and i didn't sleep til 5:30pm sat. during the time randall and i were at jenny's house, many wedgies were given (mostly to me) and i sustained only minor bruises to the legs which is better than last weekend when i got 9. then last night my mom gave me a list of rules to follow while she's gone (cause im only 22 and apparently she still has to tell me what to do) So my whole fam's on their way to Missouri and I'm all alone for a whole week with a bunch of stupid rules and $20 for food.

i think i double-booked for tonight with mike and chris. hmmmm....

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