There's a thin line between genius and insanity,
but I was never one to color within the lines.
blogging since 1999


hecka fresh



august 31, 2001

I think it would be hell to date you...but at the same time so much fun.

i am boring the snot out of myself. and im sleepy. and don't tell anyone, but i think i just discovered i have this magical power to put people into trances. i did it in my stats class. and i can do it to waiters. im so bored. work is sooooo slow. and only 3 people are online. one is bored himself, one is cooking, and the other guy is telling me about they guys he wants to go down on. some of my guy friends made the list. hooray!! i think...

last night i dreamt i was in haiti and there was human feces everywhere on the ground and it smelled really badly. i think it's because randall told me he's been on a mission's trip to haiti. he works so much and exact opposite hours of the day than i do. that sucks. i really want to hang with him and get to know him and all but i can't see him til Mon. luckily i have recently been blessed with the gift of patience. and my 'rents are gonna be gone for a week so im sure i'll find SOMETHING fun to do in the mean time.

Oh yes, and for Mr. WhoEverYouAre:
I don't hate men, I just wish they were cursed with uteruses and over-secretioin of hormones which cause every freaking part of your body to contract with the strength of a thousand cramps. They're not all bad. I very much hope to be married to one some day. And speaking of getting married, I have concluded that for the first two months he and I will not leave the house. We will have our food delivered and we won't even be able to walk- as a result of this partaking in our guilt-free sex.

melida at 7:00am

came to school 3 hours early (but not by choice) so i walked over to the university rehab center to visit my friend before her ocupational therapy. i think i have a horrible schedule (in at 7am but can't work til 10am) so i have time to visit her. i learned today that we often take the smallest things for granted like tying our shoes and even going to the bathroom. I got all teared up as I walked around the hospital just seeing how nice people can be to each other. And how much is done for our comfort like the smoke free zones and the nurses, and the valet and the gift shop having tons of stuff. And people were holding doors open and smiling tons even though this was their job. They put that aside to understand that this day, some family member will come in upset and distraught over an accident and they might not notice all the small detials (like revolving doors to maintain a constant temperature) but they still do it. I don't even know if that makes sense but I then felt stupid for being a big sap.

august 30, 2001
ben's coming to see me. i bribed him into visiting my friend in the hospital with me cause she's only two buildings down from where i am right now. so i guess i owe him lunch or something.

also, after reading one woman's account on her birth story, i am so not ever gonna have kids. im seriously considering having the whole kit-n-kaboodle removed. GONE forever!!

In my life I will have 456 periods.
Spend $3,648 on "feminine products".
Spend $1,368 on pain relief.
Spend 912 days in near-excruciating pain for NOTHING.
And for what? One measley wad of human tissue which may or may not one day be created to form into a parasite which will steal my body, nutrients and life?


And what about men? They don't get ANYTHING!! Every single male sucks. I hate you all!!!!!!

although the previous views accurately reflect the author's views at this time, they may change in another two days only to return again following the next 28

reading my bible right now. haven't done it in a long time but for some reason i brought it today. have discussed things of a religious nature with several people this week. the only time i didn't have an answer was when we talked about masterbation. this guy thought it was a sin like premarital sex because you were taking advantage of yourself but i totally disagreed. anyway, now im trying to do a little research on it in my bible but i keep getting side tracked cause there's so much stuff i keep finding to read instead. Youthwalk Devotional Bible NIV is my fave bible right now. I just don't understand how masterbation is the same as sex before marriage. i think it's TOTALLY ok, but maybe I'll find someone that knows.

Saw Randall yesterday. Talked for a few hours about tons of stuff. Mostly God. I found out one reason he's really into me is that he's impressed by how I lead the Bible Study sometimes. I eventually told him that I see myself as being inferior to him because he's such an awesome person and has the most self-control i've ever known anyone to have. then i found out all sorts of stuff about him, and realized that he's just like me. everyone last night at Bible Study REALLY wants us to hook up- everyone but Chris anyway.

day 3- so i've stopped cursing my uterus, that's good.

Oh, and after a self-evaluation I realized that my only flaws are self-control and LUST. Bah! Only two flaws, but they're huge. Oh, and I'm a weirdo. But I think that's more of an adorable personality trait than a flaw. Oh, and I burp. A LOT. but everyone does sometime or other so I'm just above-average.

pictures uploaded today, whoo-hoo!!

august 28, 2001
im not saying anything personal here. this is hypothetical. know what would suck? working with so many boys. because if it's a long shift, how the heck are you supposed to go to the bathroom without anyone knowing you're leaving to do something- feminine?
"Uh, yeah, this is just those new kleenexes that come rolled up and packaged. Oh, the plastic tube is so it doesn't get squished."
been here since 7:30am. One more hour to go!!

im so hungry i feel nauseous.
Know what's weird is how so many ethnic groups eat rice. I just saw this thing where this dude said asians are asociated with rice or something, and i was like, hold up. Us mexicans eat butt-loads of rice, too. Mmmmmmm, rice. yeah, baby, fried rice. Ooooh yeah. I'm so hungry I'd ALMOST eat seafood.


stuff i have under my belt

one trip to fire dept. to remove beer bottle from middle finger.

two bird poopings on head.

one bull chase (bull after me)

2 yrs touring with Maranatha

one trip to Europe

lived in one haunted house

three languages

farted on twice

one big ass (according to one racist homeless man- jerk!)

one anorexic ass (according to my sis- brat!)

stupid uterus, you suck.

im goingto randall's apartment tomorrow to "talk". Chris thinks this is payback for what he felt he did to me a month ago. He and I were at the park yesterday talking about all sorts of stuff like our beliefs and marriage and poop. Poop just kind of showed up out of nowhere. I think he's convinced that if R. and I don't make it, he and I will get married. I'm just like- uh, ok.

I have one more final left and I haven't studied for it yet, but I'm like that. Wait til the last minute. Must be a gift from God. Ow. uteruses suck. ovaries, too.

august 27, 2001
LONG weekend! stayed up til 6:45am with Randall saturday night just talking and stuff. found out he likes me and im thinking about being with him. visited my friend in the hospital after needing 3 hours of "getting lost" time. had a steak as huge as my face yesterday as a reward for being so consistent at the leadership luncheon yesterday, and i cleaned my room all weekend. Did so much because most of all I procrastinated a HUGE paper due in 4 hours!! i didn't even have a topic until midnight last night so i have to hurry. it's 20% of my grade, yikes!!!!

august 24, 2001
I feel like my mind is disorganized and I'm not making sense. I emptied out half of my closet last night and half of my sister's then didn't understand why I had done that. I ate a bowl of potato salad and changed my nail color. I also got in a fight with my dad who is so unreasonable. Every week I clean the entire downstairs without my sister's help. She won't help because my bible study group comes over and she says it's MY responsibility. But if it wasn't for my group, we would end up having to clean on sat. Cleaning for a few hours on wed is MUCH better than cleaning all day saturday. So why doesn't she just help?! Then I get in trouble if the house isn't left as nice as i had cleaned it BEFORE my group came. WHO CARES?! im the one who cleaned it in the first place, IDIOTS!! The house was WORSE before they came than how they leave it! But then my dad becomes this huge jerk and yells at me for not wiping the stove after they left. I cleaned the ENTIRE DOWNSTAIRS and he's pissed because the stove is dirty?! MY SISTER DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING. i said i would be in charge of the downstairs if she would just to the bathroom upstairs but then he told me to stop talking and started yelling at me. He's such a stupid jerk. So's his father. his whole family is. Of all the relatives that called me on my birthday, they were all from my mom's side.

i hate living with him and i wish i could leave. i've always wanted to but i know i can't afford it yet. even when i was little i wished i could. once i wanted to run away, but i knew id never make it so instead i moved outside to the tree house. i wished i could stay. he's so unreasonable.

This is one of the pictures on my keychain. It looks horrid because there's a plastic cover which is really scratched.

scabs are ugly. hideous. which is why im getting rid of the one on my hand. i got it when my hand scraped against a brick wall when i caught someone the other day. but now i see why God gave us scabs. it keeps that clear stuff and the blood from coming out. uh-oh. ew!

Every time i teach at bible study I learn something. Patience, Joy, Peace- but last time when I did Faithfulness, i didn't really pick anything up. I can see that im horrible with temptation. Put it in front of me and I take it in a second. This applies to food, boys, procrastination- everything. Bah. Next week is self-control. I'm not looking foward to that.

august 23, 2001
can you believe i used this in a conversation today?!

SmurfShots: as a well-respected leader in my church, i can't be caught dead with porn

I was in the shower and decided to multi-task. So I sat down on the toilet which is right where the shower drain is and began shaving my legs. That way, I was getting 3 things done at once!! When I woke up I thought, wow, itís late! This is a morning to multi-task. But then I realized that the great potty-shower invention was just a dream. Rats. I hate when I think my dreams are real and it takes a while to remember theyíre not.

There were 18 people at bible study last night. We barely fit into my family room, but I cooked enough so that at least everyone ate. This Sunday Iím invited to an invitation-only leadership meeting. Whoo-hooo! Afterward weíre discussing the "split". Iím taking half of the group and this seminary student that works for the church is taking the other half. Itís cool that Iím trusted to do the job as much as he is (since he is studying to be a pastor and all), but Iím afraid of disappointing everyone. Iíve only led like 5 times before. Also, I donít think anyone has realized yet that Iím not a member of the churchÖ

Also for this weekend- scaring off Kristinís stalker. Some guy she used to know is coming around her house and peeking in her windows and stuff. So Iím gonna wait in the bushes for him and then run out banging pots in my hands and screaming. If I did that to me, Iíd be scared. So hopefully heíll leave her alone after Saturday and not bring a gun.

august 22, 2001
I'm nervous about my final today. I can tell because I haven't studied YET and I cleaned a bunch yesterday. I always find something more important to do than whatever's making me nervous.

Oh, and my school was ranked one of the top ten party schools in the US but it's not like I'd know. I come and go to class and work then i go straight back home with my mommy. im not sure i even know what campus looks like at night.....

and lastly, im over the worst part of my food poisoning!! whoo-hoo!!

august 21, 2001
sometimes i want to buy a cell phone. then i want a luxury car like an infiniti. i try on argyle sweaters and khakis with thin leather belts. i try to weigh my hair down with conditioners and gel to stop the waves from coming out. sometimes i find myself wanting the conventional but then i stop. is it because this is what i really want or am i trying to be like everyone else? and i can't answer that so i walk out of bannana republic without buying anything. blah.
isn't it weird when you don't know who you are or how you should be dressing?
or weird that a person could not know such a thing?

There was this spaghetti in the fridge that smelt really funnie but it was like that all week so I thought it was just weird meat. There were also these weird white, slime things which I figured were from the noodles getting wet, so I fixed a big bowl for myself. I had to stop every few minutes cause the taste was as bad as the smell. After Iíd eaten half of it my dad (works for USDA) took one sniff and told me to dump it all down the disposal and couldnít believe I had eaten as much as I did. That was Sunday. I think I got food poisoning cause since then Iíve been sick. My stomach also bloated out so much I look like Iím pregnant and in my 5th month. I got Pepto Bismo at 6am this morning to see if my stomach will stop feeling like a washing machine on spin cycle.

moral: donít eat stinky spaghetti.

Even though I felt icky, Chris and I went on a one-mile nature trail thing yesterday through the woods of a park. It was so much fun and really beautiful. I hate this state. Itís so freaking flat and tree-less where I live- except for the parks. It made me miss living in the valley in VA. Oh, and I got a call from Randall last night and now Chris is all freaked that heís interested in me- which I doubt. Boys suck.

august 20, 2001
My doctor on friday was cool. He told me some women fart during their examinations. Hee-hee. So the Dr's visit was alright. Got lots of free stuff. One of the medicines I messed up on dosage, though, so now I have to call the office and tell them what a dork I am and ask what I'm supposed to do now.

Spent all weekend with friends running around. Was with Randall more than I was with Chris. My mom told me to date him instead. Eh.

august 17, 2001
swftheart9: so what up today?
SmurfShots: Dr's appt at 3:30
swftheart9: need another anal probe?
SmurfShots: no, other hole, doll


only because you really care

new underwear today. pink and sparkly

working on this cause envy is a mofo

Saw American Pie 2 last night with Chris and Justin. 10 min. into the movie I realize that I have really got to pee- but I don't wanna miss any of the movie!! So I sat through out the entire movie laughing my butt off and trying not to pee. Im gonna buy the soundtrack today. They don't have Alien Ant Farm's cover of MJ, though. Grrrr.

I've also decided to do something cool for myself. Become the healthiest person on earth. I've started by taking vitamins and supplements. One of them makes your pee bright, neon yellow. I hope this doesn't scare the Dr today. Oh yeah, I'm going to the doc today. It's only a check up that will take 10 min,'s one of those doctors.......

I told my mom I would need ice cream after some old man stuck his hands up my vagina and swabbed my uterus and she told me I was disgusting. But that's what he's doing, you know.

Anyway, I'm still confused about Chris. That time I was away from him, I was excercising, my room was clean, went to bed earlly, and I felt like this *crosses fingers* with God. I have fun with Chris, though. And I did say, if we're meant to be together, he'll come back. And he did. And he's desperate to be with me again. He said even the things that annoyed him he missed. Like when I put my hands under his shirt cause his chest is so warm and my hands are always cold. He used to pull away and now he lets me. Ah well. pehaps those weeks of no Chris were just weeks of God checking up on everything. Making sure everything is still on track for his plan. That was cool. Like having a houseguest.

august 16, 2001

i just don't look 22

One of the most awkward moments in my life was sitting through the Jerry Springer movie with my dad and two younger sisters a few years ago. If youíve never seen it- itís full of cussing and sex, sex, sex. I basically just sank into my chair and prayed for the stupid movie to end. My dad looked pissed afterward cause my sisters and I were the ones that picked it.

Bible study was alright last night. I could tell that everyone was tired and pretty inanimate, though. Afterward, a few of us had this really intense prayer session for this one girl who is very sick; itís gonna be cool to see if sheís better today.

And Iíve seen Chris everyday since coming back from the beach. Weíre not "dating", though. I donít know that I want to, really. But I love hanging out with him and heís funnie. So whatever. Too dizzy to write anything else. Way too much sugar yesterday.

august 15, 2001
Just now I was walking in between two buildings because the path through them is cobblestone and I just love it when I heard a nearby bird chirpping. I looked up and saw, for the first time in my life, that one yellow bird. Like a blue jay, but yellow. I continued looking up as I walked and then heard a splat. The stupid bird pooped just inches away from my feet. That could have been my face!!!

my mom said she checks in on my sister and i almost every night. she wondered why i never wore much clothing to bed and i told her my hypothesis. she told me to wear more cause most of the firemen in the area are NOT that cute. Hmmm......then I had three pieces of lemon merainge pie and some chocolate cake. And that's it cause I'm getting the lesson ready for tonight and trying to incorporate Freud and Lacan's sexual perversian into an analytical essay about a short story. Blah, I'm so glad summer classes are almost over!!

august 14, 2001
I'm going to design a litter box that looks and feels like carpet. That way my stupid cat can stop peeing in the dining room and start using his freaking box. My mom said one more time and he's going to kitty heaven.

Lots to do. Got a paper to write in Spanish, but first I have to translate the french author's theories into english, then to spanish. Need to put last touches on lesson for bible study tomorrow. Laundry must be done as I am reaching dangerously close to Pile X in the underwear drawer.

Pile X:
the stash of underwear in the far back corner behind Victoria's Secret and Hanes Her Way. They are notorious for being grossly over-sized and worn. Maybe handed down from a grandmother. They are your last resort knickers. They're the ugliest things in the world and you'd die if you were ever caught in them, but you never throw them away- juse in case.

At one time I thought I was the only girl with this pile, but it turns out the majority of females also harbor Pile X.
I really shouldn't have told you that, huh?

James and I went to a Chinese grocery store AND a Mexican tienda because we were just feeling so ethnic yesterday. I bought candy for my sis and green tea for Chris. We still had time to kill so we ate and then checked out a used-porn shop. It was so funnie! But sad. Who wants to buy a magazine that has been, uh- used and has people with 80ís hair? Thatís not arousing, itís just sad.

Then I went to Chrisís new house and watched tv. Whoo, fun.

I saw the first commercials for the new season of Dark Angel and I wanna get my hair straightened to be like hers. Sheís so pretty. And Iím just a copycat.

august 13, 2001
I put together a Sunshine (tm) grill yesterday with no instructions!! I looked at the picture on the box then just made the pieces look like the box. At the end, I had three parts left over, but I didn't think they looked that important so i tossed them out.

august 12, 2001
Bah. A friend of mine is mad at me and I had no idea he was until I saw that he had decided to mock me on his web page. So I'm trying to think of why he's so pissed at me. He's even avoiding me at work.

Oh well. I've been so freakin' patient lately that I'm not even too upset about this. When the time comes I'll talk to him and work it out.

I saw lots of animals and their huge poopies yesterday at the state fair. It was disgusting cause I was in sandals and I had to carefully execute each step, but it was worth it. I loved the cows and the lil' baby chicks. And a sheep kept "bahhhh"ing at me and freaked me out. I think he wanted me to let him loose. I met Chris there and we ended up going home together. I got blisters on my hands from playing Donkey Kong. The game is stupid. They make it freaking impossible to win and I kicked all of Chris's bedding to the floor in frustration. Stupid monkey!! And then there are these bees that chase you and it honestly looks like they're poking you with giant, glowing red penises. Then in this one land, the two monkies have to get in a barrel together and it rocks back and forth. I don't know if it's me, or this game that is totally perverted.

Probably the game since I'm such a precious, little angel. =)

august 10, 2001
Pictures: I put together some pics that used to be on my page before I redecorated.

I tried to think of something nice to talk about today, but I'm missing too much to think about anything else.
I miss my friends from my old school. I miss tacking Crys's underwear in the hall, putting her couch on the top bunk, throwing "coming out" parties, puddle jumping, crawling into weird spaces and tunnels under the dorms, making faces in the window as the student senate tried to conduct meetings, sneaking boys in past curfew, always having friends just two doors down, stealing ice cream at 2am, laughing at the porn the guys always rented, calling the french exchange student and anonymously practicing our french cussing, kicking butt at intramural, and putting water-filled condoms in people's bags.

I haven't been in the mood for wearing clothes at all lately. And it's not even the heat. I just can't stand stuff touching me and getting in my way- especially jeans cause they're so heavy. I haven't even given much thought to what I do wear. I wore the same outfit three times this week already, I almost wish I lived on an island where I could walk around in a bathing suit all the time. Anthony lives on an island off the east coast. He's so cute. I almost want to be with him.

Oh well.

august 9, 2001
I've got a plan. And it goes a little something like this:
1- take bouquet home from wedding- check!
2- get boyfriend
3- get married

So far I'm 1/3 of the way to my dream wedding!! I'm in such a wedding mood. I've got all these notes and sketches in front of me right now. Lemme show you a bit.

P bridesmaids dresses
Y flowergirl's dress/accent

So far I'm planning for step 3 more than 2. I should wait cause I still have a while. I wanna have more design classes before I start planning my dress too much. The bodice is gonna be all hand-beaded because I'm cheap and there's no way I'm paying a lot of $ when I can do it all myself.

Bad dream. I was with Chris and we were falling into a blackness. I was trying to wake up but I couldnít. Then, I let go of him and my descent stopped; he continued down as I began floating up. Then there was a face by mine and I was scared but it turned out to be me and then there I was beside myself. In exactly what I wore to bed (sweat pants) and for whatever reason I decided to make out with myself. I was actually really good.

My dream was so weird that I wrote it down when I jerked myself awake. I was also scared because I hate those dreams where youíre trying to wake up but canít. I turned on the hall light and left my door open for the rest of the night. Oh and my back hurts right now which is weird cause in my dream there was this female *being* pushing down on my back so that it hurt. I thought of going to my mom and dadís room to sleep (LOSER) but I didnít have a shirt on and was too tired to find one.

Anyway, my b-day was lots of fun! Got presents and e-mails and calls and a BIG cake! Chris also came to Bible Study last night and stayed until midnight. Thatís still a weird situation. I wonít let that awkwardness stop him from buying me a present, though, and weíre going shopping today or tomorrow.

august 8, 2001
My birthday!! I almost didn't want to get up this morning, but then I remembered the blessed day and jumped right out!! Then right back in cause I remembered I was in my underwear and my door was unlocked.

So my day is going alright so far. Had dinner with Chris last night and listened to him tell me how much he wants me back, but I still haven't given in. He's changed, though, and in every way for the better. Don't know what to do yet. I rather enjoyed being single. It'll come to me. In the mean time I'm making a list of things he has to do before I'll take him back and I intend to use this not for revenge, but just to have a little fun. muah-ha-ha-ha!

august 7, 2001
After almost a week of going by meli, I'm actually having trouble answering to melida.
And for everyone that forgot, tomorrow is my 22nd b-day. I don't care who you are, acknowledge it!! Even if you only send me an e-mail telling me I'm super-cool.

I had the most amazing time!! From hanging with my girls from my old school to getting lost in ocean city and walking 50 blocks!! And I only did 3 illegal things the entire time!! First of all, last night I had a shake with Chris and he broke up with that girl last week. However, we are NOT going out. Nope. For a little dignity, Iím not taking him back that easily. After breaking my heart, heíll have to work at another shot.

The wedding was awesome! They rode off on horses into the sunset. All the guys had cowboy boots and hats and blue jeans. It was at a theme park called Frontier Land where there were can-can girls and stagecoaches. I looked gorgeous as a bridesmaid even though I hadnít showered in two days (long story!!) All the groomsmen (Ďcept for the brideís dad) were hitting on me and the guy that caught the garter was 21, hot, and single! I walked away with the bouquet and then he and I ended up hanging out that night til 3am. Our hotel room was ON the boardwalk!! UmÖ.there was some alcohol involved (this would be an illegal thing since we had a minor with us), but we stayed in our room. We saw wild ponies on an island and took tons of pics. Oh, and I sat on my nachos.

I got a bit of a burn, but itís mostly tan. I also learned that I can lose up to 4 inches in my waist in just 10 hours. I had been eating nothing but junk and had half a day to work myself into fitting in the dress. Walking that 50 blocks helped a lotÖ.

Baltimore and Ocean City. I canít believe I did so much in just 5 days. I loved being away not thinking about work, school, or boys (well, not the boys that are here anyway). I already miss walking around in just my suit with my wet hair cooling my back as my feet sink slowly into the warm sand. Oh yes, and Mike, too!!

august 1, 2001
So I skipped my first class; no big deal. It was too gorgeous a day to force myself indoors to a windowless, artificially controlled room. Besides, there were so many cute boys outside to spy on. Ah yes, boys.

I've got two crushes right now (what would a melida be without a crush?) and I saw one of them today!! The other I may see tonight. I've vowed to shamlessly flirt my head off, too, just for the fun of it. Yuck. Time for my second class.

Perfect Morning. I couldn't be more happy. Sitting outside just after dawn and watching the sky turn colors and the little ants running zigzag patterns on the sidewalk was like meditating. I watched the few people who were actually awake walk by and they all smiled at me as they continued on.

Why is everything so perfect? The weather is great, my health is good, I ony work one hour today, Bible Study is tonight so I get to see all my friends and cook them dinner, I love my outfit (boy's shorts and a beater), I leave for the beach tomorrow....and I have no reason to be sad. Chris, you say? I talked to him last night. Things still aren't going well with his girl and he's giving it one more week. Even though it's not very christian, im thinking, "ha! im better!!" Oh, and last night at the grocery store this woman started yelling at me!!
"You're so pretty!! You're so pretty!!" she ran up to me, out of breath, and started telling me how pretty I was!! She got my profile and said I was like Angelina Jolie (ok, um, whatever). Then she told me to enjoy my body and wear short shorts and stuff. So of course, I left the store with the BIGGEST smile in the world on my face. And even though I'm such a nice person (and so modest, no?) a lot of people don't know. I come off as a bitch sometimes because I can be really shy and quiet and scared. I can think of examples of this all the way back to elementary school. So I'm gonna make the extra effort to let people know I'm not a mean person. Oh, and I'm an optimist now. And I've learned that a habit of expectations leads to habitual disappointment. So I've stopped doing that. I have three classes today and in one we're just watching a movie. Oh well. My one hour at work is almost over.
Have a great day!!

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