journal archives

August 31, 2000
My mom's making my family do community service stuff. We have until the end of September to prove to her we're doing something good. If she doesn't think so, she picks something for us to do- like pick up trash on a road. I picked making baby quilts for area hospitals; they give them to "at-risk children", like AIDS babies and stuff. I'm almost done with the first one that I started last night.

I had a pretty freaky dream last night. For the first half of my sleepy time, I kept seeing Death on our staircase- you know, the black hooded robe Death?- and she kept wanting to do stuff, like hang out. SHe really freaked me out cause I thought she was gonna take me and she had no face, inside the hood was just blackness. Then later I dreamed that I was at the house I lived in three years ago and I had accidently invited everyone in Hell to a party at my house!! I was soooo nervous about them coming. WHen they began to arrive, they came in REALLY nice cars.
When I went to bed at 2am, I had eaten some pork chops and rice, so this may have been given me these weird dreams.

I was up late cause I was sewing this quilt. My mother actually took me to Wal-Mart to get some supplies and we were there til midnight. She couldn't sleep cause we had found out 30 min earlier that my bro is engaged and is getting married in a week or two!! There's the theory that is always present in any rushed marriage, of pregnancy, but he can't even aim pee into the toilet (my job was always to keep the bathroom clean, i hate boys!!) so I doubt this.

Chris is good. Very good. He was getting on my nerves last night, but I think I was just in a bit of a bad mood cause I was so hungry and no one wanted to go to Waffle House. I'd been living on SPAM, microwavable lasagna, and hot pockets for the past two weeks, and now that they're back, we still don't have anything to eat. I'm hungry.....but I only have crackers. Wish I had some potato soup, mmmmmmmmm.....

August 30, 2000

Hi, Mom!!

One of the supplements I took this morning got caught 1/2 way in my esophagus and the gelcap dissolved which meant I was burping this horridly spicy herb for a few hours. yuck! I have to take like 5 pills a day now to "regulate my tempermant." She said my diet (mostly consisting of sugar) was disrupting my internal environment and did an evaluation to see what I was deficient in. Then she said I should be having a tofu shake every morning, ew! She got mad when I told her I NEVER excercise and then when I said I hated fish. I'm gonna teach Chris to make some blueberry muffins for me from this recipe she gave me. My teacher curved our grades and even with the B, I got a D!!! I passed, whoo-hoo!!!! Hmmmm....at the doctor's office she mostly asked about my diet; I think she was a nutritionalist. She concluded that I was anemic and hypoglycimic. She also said that I lacked remorse or guilt and that because of this, the road to recovery would be very if-y. Then I said that I shouldn't feel guilty for standing up for myself or trying to correct societal injustices. She tested my reflexes and because I was so quick she said my whole being was in a state of constantly being "on-edge" and that is why I react so quickly to my surrounding stimuli. All in all, it may have been a waste of $300 bucks. If I could be anywhere in the world right now...I'd prolly wanna be in a room with a bat and that guy who raped and killed 7yr old Bobbi Jo. I don't even know her, but everything is reminding me of her and her family.

August 29, 2000
Just took my science exam, I got a B!! Which means I failed the class. But, I did learn a very important lesson these past 10 weeks that will help me do better in life in general.

I gotta go see the doc now and e-mail my teacher. Gonna tell him that although I was his worst student this summer, he's actually a great teacher! he was funnie and nice.

August 28, 2000
:::::8:00am I got a new boss at one of my jobs and didn't want him to think I was lazy, so I spent 16 hours this weekend doing data entry, yuck! But I'm back!!

Gurlpages ads
Well, I'm trying to reach Gurl now instead of Gurlpages, who never responded, and so far, I've gotten this:
(automated response)
Thanks for writing!
We receive so much email from our readers that we can't respond to everyone. But we do our best to read through everything that comes into our office. Keep the letters coming!

the gURLstaff
So, more waiting. I've gotta do my Spanish Final- I haven't started yet and it's due today, so I'll be back to update this afternoon.

:::::1:30pm Finished all homework, went to class, teacher made a joke about my grade, but in a good-hearted way, now at work.

I added pics that Chris and I took last night and a guest piece.

I'm trying to get to Philly in a couple of weeks, so I'm trying to get my boss to let me have off, but there aren't many people who can cover that position. Here's the nerdy part, I'm going for a crochet convention, whoo-hoo! Learn to crochet your own poncho!!

Let's see, what's been happening...My family finally got home from their last vacation, my mom freaked when she saw my room (she compared it to her mother-in-law's house then ordered me to put all the furniture I had in the hallway back in my room, or else!!), Chris finally got his laundry done (so no more going Commando), and I decided to buy the Reliant K cd as soon as I see it. I've only heard two of the songs, but they rock!!

August 25, 2000
Here's what I was feeling last night, but couldn't put into words on a computer:
You hear the talk and it's all you've ever heard, but somewhere inside you, you think it'll never happen. Then, on a day like the others, someone goes through with it. Once started, you can't go back and you wish you could fast foward to the end. It was like a car teetering on the edge of a cliff, and someone finally dropped that feather on the hood. No transitional period- just explosions of lies and deceit and rocks of confusion that beat the car up even more on the way down. Without knowing, someone reached out of the car and grabbed my arm and now I'm falling too. It's horrible. The parents were driving, but the kids are belted in the back. And noone is free from the consequences. What's worse, is my position. Like watching everything happen but being paralyzed and not able to help, I can't even scream in frustration because it's not my car, it's not my family, it's not my divorce.

August 24, 2000
Free Food =)

Now that I have been provided with food, a load of advertisements, and a free pen, I'm still not listening to that radio station, but nice try! After I got my hotdog, I got as far away as I could from Sunny95's circus test extravaganza on campus. The closer fall quarter gets, the more campus looks like a bad comercial in 3D.

I overslept again and missed all but the last 10 minutes of Spanish class. When I woke up at 7am, I was still dreaming and turned off my alarm as I kept thinking about some man that was waiting. So, from then until the time I finally rolled out of bed, around 9am, I dreamt I was conducting the chorus of three year olds at my church and that there was a flood in a house that was on fire and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen swam to remove some toilet paper from a toilet that had flooded the house. Then I was talking to this plant that was sad because one of the flowers was going to die. When we found out it was a sacrificial death, the surviving flower was very humbled towards the dead one.

I'm trying to convince Dave to get a tattoo tomorrow.

I also reregistered one of my e-mail adresses because someone signed me up for a porn mailing list, and I have a pretty good idea of who it was, argh!!

August 23, 2000
I don't get on every day like I used to, but here's my UIN# 7353264

WEll, if I ace the final in my science class, I'll get a 68% in the class. Why do I even go to class anymore? Stress, stress, stress. I'm so glad I'm gonna see that psychologist next week. She'll tell me I'm just over-reacting over everything cause I'm hypoglycemic or something. Amazingly, I seem to be over my lactose intolerancy this week. Of course, I did self-diagnose myself in the first place. What a crappy doctor I'm turning out to be. *now say something positive*
I made a beautiful skirt last night. I think Chris liked it, all he said was it was sexy, but I can't expect too much commentary in fashion from him. I think I just ate some bad cheese =(

6:30pm:::::You know, I always forget I'm hispanic. I just remembered when I e-mailed someone just now.

I just remembered something!! There was this guy yesterday who was sitting against a building on the sidewalk, and he asked if I could spare some change, I said no (he didn't look homeless, and i really didn't have any) and then he laid down on the sidewalk as I walked by!!!! I was wearing a skirt, now join in my anger!!! I clutched it to my side and gave him a nasty look. He was trying to look up my skirt cause I didn't give him money. I'd have started something if I wasn't in a hurry.

August 22, 2000
Failed yet another science class. Man, I just don't get how I did a 180 with science.
Part of the test may be blamed on the fact that I had to leave like 5 times because my stupid nose was bleeding. I think maybe it's stress. I don't know. I forgot to turn in my dreamsheet today, which means I missed being scheduled to work during break, Whoo-hoo!! A whole month working only 16 hours a week! This means I'm gonna spend loads of time quilting. Maybe even on my page as long as I can get my computer at home to connect.

That sucks moment for today:
My breakfast was a carnation chocolate shake while driving into the city. For some reason, I was looking at the bottom of the cup to see the chocolate powder clumps when...Duh, stupid!! You don't tilt a glass that's full!! So, now I've got this spot on my skirt that looks like blood and everyone prolly thinks it's from my period. Then my nose starts bleeding in the middle of an important test. AND, I can't believe that today is the ONLY hot day this month and I actually forgot to put on deoderant!!! So far I'm fine, but this computer lab is insanely warm... Only three more hours til I go home...

3:30pm:::::I have two copies of the Monkees song, a good one and a bad one. But I lost them!! I had them sunday at work, so they must be in my room somewhere. Since I have almost no homework tonight, I'm gonna dig around for them. I'm also all of a sudden developing hives under my chin. Prolly cause I'm stressing myself out over fall's schedule. I need to relax.....take an ex-lax....hee-hee

August 21, 2000
I got my Spanish test back today. Last test I got a 99.5, on this one, 100. Yeah, I'm good.

Last Saturday, Chris made me see a movie with his family, it was What Lies Beneath. The last time I saw a scary movie, I left all the lights in the house on cause my parents were on vacation. WEll, they're on vacation again, but I tried to deal with my scaredicatness. I did very well. UNtil this morning when I saw that my front door was unlocked and the garage door was open...I SAW it close last night. I watchted it close to make sure the cats didn't run in and make it go back up, and so that the cats would not be trapped in the garage all night. When I left this morning it was wide open. The only thing keeping me from going crazy right now, is the fact that cats can sense stuff. If there was someone in the house, my cats would have sensed it, but they all seemed fine this morning. If anyone e-mails me to try and convince me other wise, I will hate you forever and ever.

I posted fliers in the library last week, but no one has called yet to be in my quilt club =(
Don't the people here want to help area at-risk children by giving them a hand-made quilt? Or give blankets to the homeless? WEll, apparently not.
Ha! The joke's on you!! I will just have to single-handedly uphold righteousness in my town. I don't need you people! .....yes I do...maybe they haven't called cause they're afraid to pronounce my name. Like I'm not used to correcting people!

August 20, 2000
I want to cry every time I think about those poor Russian Navy men who died at the bottom of the sea. Personally, I think it was arrogance that delayed the acceptance of any help by the Russians. The decisions of a few men have left a tomb in the ocean floor. Now, there are no plans for a rescue, but a recovery of the dead. They say many may have died from the initail explosion, but that's no reason to forget about ones left living among the dead. They had no communication with them, but an audible pounding was detected when it first went down. I can't imagine the fear. Claustrophobia (i know i can't spell), suffercation, the stench, and wondering where God is. And their families who spent days and days praying for them. =(
But everything ultimately is for the best. Although I know this is a horrible occurance, in the big picture, some good will come from it. Maybe thousands of lives will be saved as we now take a closer look at the regulations of their military. I don't know. But I can make a comparison.

For instance, when my boyfriend (2 b/f's ago) broke up with me I was DEVASTED!! (how pathetic) I seriously contemplated suicide at some point and I was actually mad at God. (we're cool now) I thought there was no reason to live anymore and I couldn't imagine my life without him. But that's only because God sees the entire puzzle and I can only see the piece that is being laid down. After boycotting God I finally prayed (kinda in a mean way) that if this was his plan, so be it. I would allow whatever he wanted to happen cause ultimately his plan was the best one.
And the very next morning...I WAS SO HAPPY!! I couldn't have been MORE over him. AND God didn't just take away my misery like I asked, but gave me a new b/f a week later. That week I had 4 dates!! And this new guy taught me so much that completely changed me and made me happier in general. God was working through this guy (who had prayed about a girlfriend a week before we met too!) and when his work was done, we eventually broke up, but I understood we had to and we're still friends. Now, I'm in an even better relationship than EVER before.

So, you see the transition between a horrible event and God's ultimate plan, and it's pretty stupid to compare this loss of life with my pathetic example, but it really is the same.

1pm:::::I can't believe it. I just came to a realization. I've been in denial for years! I think I was just ignoring what God was telling me. For MONTHS I've been praying for God to "lead" me, like let me know what I'm supposed to do career wise. Well, since I was 4 yrs old, I've been headed down the medical path, but today, I see he has been speaking to me ALL summer. I'm supposed to do something else...I'm supposed to be, like, an artist.

It's come into my mind many times, but I keep ignoring it because I have this really bad image of what an artist is. You know, the flighty, out-of-touch with reality starving artist who only drinks cappacinos and wears all black and is eternally POOR.
Well, That wasn't for me, so I pushed art out of my mind. I was gonna be a doctor, da*nit!!

But, art comes in many forms. I kept asking him what my gift was and I failed to say, duh! well, half my basement has been transformed into my sewing room, maybe I have a gift in designing! So, After he so vividly let me know by showing me how I was failing all my science classes this summer, I'm unhardening my mind against his will. OK, God? Please, just don't let this summer drop my GPA too far below 3.0 and I'll stop taking these sciences.

*whoa! this biker just took my pic and scared me!* (i work in a motorcycle museum)

Signs that my gift is art:
I taught myself to quilt, I love to crochet, but I can barely knit, I design my own clothing, I re-do old furniture, I deisgn jewelry, I love arranging furniture, I love picking schemes for web pages, I write poetry, etc.

Signs my gift may not be science or that it may be a secondary gift,
I used to be really good and aced all science classes but now I SUCK!!

Note to self: Stop kidding yourself, go be the artist you know you are.

August 19, 2000
Ok, I'm gonna answer some questions I've been getting: First of all- I would like to let everyone know how much you mean to me, this much
>-----------------------<. In fact, I'm at work right now and could get in trouble if they find out!!

1. A lot of people ask how I learned to do web pages. Mostly by going to people's pages that I admired, then going to View and Source to see what made their page "tick". Then, I'd copy the code and play around with it on a page which was not linked on my actual site. I'd see how tables were resized, what made a link, and so on. Some people may benefit more from an actual tutorial.

2. The thin girl graphics- I went to Nat Sanctuary (link in the Page Info page) downloaded pics of Nat (with web master's permission) and played around in PhotoShop and PhotoEditor. I selected thin sections and cropped them or cut them into new images.

3. Here's a big one, I *love* the Monkees. When I was growing up we always watched their show. I was the one with the Hat (Mike?), and my other siblings all had a character too(there were four of us). My youngest sister, because she was too little, always got to be the ugly monkee. I think his name was Mickey, but we all thought he was the loser. ANYWAY, I had a point here, The poem I talk about is not so much crude, as really crude. I don't know WHAT I was thinking when I wrote it. I will send you the title, but unless you are at least 18, prolly not the poem. I swear it has nothing to do with the Monkees, except that the title is like the title of one of their songs.

4. The point to my page- The meaning of Life. j/k! Although I know the meaning of life, the point of this page is/was to become a featured site. I know, how vain. But somewhere along the way I found that this site meant so much more to me. So, it will now become more...I don't know-an escape from my life? I like my life, though. I just think it's fun. I put stuff I like on it. I think journals are fun, but never keep one in the *real world* because it would be TOTALLY embarassing if I ever died and my family found it!! What's the difference with this journal? No one can prove it's me!!! Anyway, if anyone wants me to e-mail them, I'm kinda good about replying. It may not be until Monday, though, cause my other job is a lot nicer about letting me on the web. So I'd better go before the "Boss" gets here.

*Mooah* (by the way, that's the sound a kiss makes)

August 18, 2000
Why, I never expected such an honor!
I'll try not to cry...I first started web designing my freshman year of college. It was crap!! Since then, I have learned many lessons- mostly, not to steal code. Or, to not do it from major site like seventeen.com, anyway.

Chris came to campus with me today, and it's obvious he was not cut out for city life.
Were it not for me, you would have stood at that crosswalk all day, Chris!!

August 17, 2000
Dave wants me to take out what I said about him. I said no.

He explained
,"I am not jealous of your page. I was merely making some suggestions. Having a web page is not that big of a deal for me so I have no reason to be jealous."

August 16, 2000

Sunday was Chris and mine's one year anniversary. Since it's leap year, it was technically on Saturday.
4pm:::::I actually visited the 10th floor of the library today. It's really deserted up there and I've heard stories of people doing all sorts of stuff up there...
Dave said my site lacks content, so I reminded him that since the server crash, he doesn't even HAVE a sire >=)
Jealousy is a trait I just can't stand.
I keep trying to add more stuff, like a pics page, but I can't do anything in GurlPages on a mac. This deadly combination erases pages, edits, and won't upload pics to the server.

August 15, 2000
Uh-oh. Well, I'm ACING one class and FAILING the other...

I wrote two other entries but they disappered. SO I'll recount my B-day for you!!

Chris and I planned on going to the State Fair since it was my first day off from work since May 20, his prom. (I was off on July 4, but my other job called me in.) My mom woke me up around 9am to yell at me. So I swept downstairs and had breakfast and she continued to yell.

Eventually, around 1 or 2pm Chris and I went out to lunch then off to the Faire!!

Well, the fun never stops when you're with me!! Lately I've been so jump-the-gun with my temper. I think it's sugar related. Anyone who knows me, has never seen me w/o candy. Even when we go out to eat, I always order water then commence pouring heaps of sugar into my cup. But, the past week i have not craved sugar AT ALl. So, when I was at the faire, Chris and I were looking at this kiosk of jewelry. CHEAP jewelry like hemp and gold-plated crap. WE were turning the id bracelets and necklaces around to look at the detail. We turned the two vendors away cause we were "just looking."

WELL, we weren't the ONLY ones looking. There was also a boy about 15 there looking. He happened to be black. As he was turning a bracelet around, one of the vendors said,
"Are you going to buy that?"
"No, it's a girl's bracelet."
"THen get your hands off of it!!" The sweet grandma turned rabid.
She then made a point to Huff and Puff as she took out a (dirty) rag and labourisly (a word?) wiped off his cooties. As he continued to walk down the side of the kiosk looking, and not touching, she followed him with her eyes squinted up, trying to burn holes in this head.
So, I stepped in. Much to Chris' disapproval.
"He can look!" says me. As she turned to me, I expected her to squinch up her face again, but she calmed and kindly explained,
"Yes, but he doesn't have to touch." She had NO problem when Chris and I touched every single thing that caught our eye moments earlier.
"Sometimes you have to touch it to see the detail!", stupid, old hag!!
"But he's not going to buy it!" Touché. But I shall defeat her reason with scientific fact.
"Over 75% of the people who come here are just looking." What, you don't know that already?!
"But HE WASN'T GOING TO BUY IT!" I heard you the first time, apparently you did not hear me.
After several more exchanges, Chris grabbed my arm and began dragging me away. He said to leave her alone, that it was not our fight.
"But I can't just stand around when (turn towards her) B*TCH LIKE HER..."..something, something, something. I trail off and don't remember what I said. At some point, while being dragged away, I saw the boy from the corner of my eye walking away saying something like it wasn't worth it.

Chris and I then argued over whether it was ok to let old people be racist like that since that's how they grew up and blah, blah, blah.

NO, it is NOT alright. Is it ok to let the people growing up with racism right now just continue doing so? Um...NO.

I would have rather hurt that one old lady's feelings so that she wouldn't repeat her mistake than to leave her alone and have 10 more kids hurt that day.

We argued for a long time until we saw a place that sold yummy drinks.

I also got in another fight with Chris and three with my mom, then, out of the blue, I was fine and craving sugar again. Coincidence? Not likely.

August 5, 2000
I'm FINALLY able to edit! My birthday is in 3 days and it looks like it's gonna rain. So I won't be going to the State Fair as planned. Tuesday is my only day off from work that I've had since March. I was supposed to be off on July 4, but my other job called me in. Since I have off that day, I may as well take advantage of it somehow, of course, it's also the day before a test. I really should attend that Review Session.

This fall I'll be learning Russian- I needed the extra 5 credits. School's been going ok- I hardly ever have time to study, though. Ew, it smells like someone here just farted and it was NOT me.

Last night A. called really depressed; I feel sorry for him because it seems like everyone in his life is betraying him or hurt and he's alone now. I think he's a wonderful person, but I couldn't date him now, anyway. Chris has for some reason gotten extra cute these past months. Maybe it has to do with his 18th birthday nearing. He's almost a man, *sniff* my little boy is growing up!

Sunday night I had, by fault of Revlon, accidentally dyed my hair BLACK. Yesterday, it took three hours just to get the color out! 3 de-toxifying-something-or-others which took about 45 min. each. Afterwards, I tried to salvage as much as I could of my poor hair. Amazingly it looks just fine.

What doesn't look fine is the state of american society. When did we grow so bored and lifeless? Our entertainment is watching human beings interact on a television. It isn't art because it isn't acting. Shows like Who wants to be a Millionaire, Making the band, Big Brother, and so on (ABC, you know what I'm talking about) have replaced our own experiences. We've grown so tired of the traditinal forms of entertainment that we've thought up this new concept- live. Live everything! It's all improv, but it's not fake, these are real people, real emotions, and real problems- problems for American Society. After we've grown bored of this, what's next?

I once read this weird collection of stories when I was in Middle School about the future. There was this girl who was hooked up with all sorts of wires and this man came into the room and raped her. There was another story where these teenagers were running all over the city acting through a real-life script. There were no limits protecting them once they were signed on. Whatever these "actors" felt, the audience felt also. This was their "television". Instead of just seeing the action, they were also, through a set of wires they wore themselves, feeling exactly what the girl felt. As humans demand more and more from every genre of art, it seems reasonable to say this is where America could be headed.