There's a thin line between genius and insanity,
but I was never one to color within the lines.
blogging since 1999

voyerism?

lolita
theresa
jamesdee1
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karen blogovich
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[july]

archives

july 31, 2001
4:32pm,
http://frederique79.tripod.com/
envy keeps going down and im soooooo tired of it. im writing at the above address whenever it does. eventually i may have to completely move because i can't move into my domain until dec!!

11:36am,
I feel sick. Like I have a cold, but I don't. I accidently fell asleep last night with no clothes on and the air conditioning up. Poor ears/throat/nose.

Anyway I take you now to a discussion about me.
brought to you by swiftheart. I'm spanky

"Speaking of which, I have been trying to maintain a state of denial concerning the possible existence of a crush for Spanky. It's not like this is big news or anything, both she and Sparky emit pheremones of such a quality that if you could bottle them up, you would be a millionaire (Spanky though emits them in such a quantity that I suspect that they condense at night and she wakes up with a low level pheremone fog in her bedroom in the morning. Pilots flying on visual rules, beware.)"

I am currently accepting bids from companies that would like to market my pheremones. Hee-hee. That's funnie.

As far as life-my bro has not called back since leaving for spain for his tests. my sister is being court marshalled for yelling at an NCO- some bigwig in the military, I guess. and i talked to chris again. things aren't going very well with the new girl and instead of breaking out in a nice bout of southern clogging, im trying to help him. like, giving them suggestions.

july 30, 2001
9:49am,
After extensive research I have concluded that atomic wedgies are an impossibility. I have come to this realization after many trial and error experiments with my volunteer Madison. After serveral tries the highest I could get her underwear was just past her shoulder blades. To have gone the extra distance to the shoulders, neck, over the head, and catching on the forehead has been deemed impossoble. We were even very generous by giving her a pair of underwear made of an exceptionally stretchy material similar to that used in tights. Our efforts were not completely unrewarded; we learned that after a certain point, the wedgie can no longer be felt. Every few inches the wedgee was asked if pain prevented continuance and her answer was, "actually, i can't feel anything anymore."
Interesting, indeed.

9:09am,
I hope molded cheese isnít that bad for you. Or that I caught most of the bad pieces, anyway.


In 4 days Iíll be on the beach, in a wedding. Iíve talked to the bride and she said sheís throwing the bouquet right at me. Um, we think Iíll be the only single girl there so I have a very good chance of being the next to get married. Whoo-hoo!! After catching her bouquet, Iíll work on finding a boyfriend. Today is the first morning since two Saturdays ago that Chris wasnít the first thing on my mind when I woke. Iím so proud of myself.

july 29, 2001
1:09pm,
Amazing Weekend. Don't even know where to start. Went out last night with knee-high black boots, a short, stretchy, black skirt w/ silver sparkles, a collar, fake piercings, and my black shirt that is held together by safety pins. Watched movies continuously from 7:30pm Fri til 2:30am Sun. Talked to Chris for a long time. Met some new people. Felt like God was smiling on me the entire time. Now I'm just tired but still happy.

Random Thoughts on Melida

brought to you by swiftheart

" i feel very intimidated by you at times. like...outclassed by you and your charisma i'm amused by how your girls follow you. you've got enough charisma you can run your own cult. there's this like...respect that's going on... they closely watch what you're doing they may crack a joke and people may or may not be paying attention. you crack a joke they were paying attention- they laugh. they watch your moves...they can make caricatures of you. sparky, funny enough has lots of charisma as well. but she doesn't care about people in the same way that you do. they know that they are being cared for... that's why...you would be so successful as a cult leader :-)"

july 27, 2001
12:31pm
"i wonder how well you can control your hyperintense sex drive"
-james, on me being single

11:59am
I hate when my mom pages me while I'm in class. People must think I have a vibrator that periodically turns itself on in my bag. Especially cause I act all embaressed. Oh well. Work is boring today. I think people might be scared of me. James said that I always have a nasty mean face when I work. Like, "back off or die!!" when I'm totally not like that.

10:11am
Went to the mall and I pretended to be a lesbian last night for my friend so the girl he was checking out wouldn't think we were together. I acted insanely interested in what the manequeins looked like under their skirts and then bounded into the "community dressing room". When I got there, though, I was the only naked chic. Then I saw my manager and I dropped to the ground military style and crawled to the nearest stairs. I think my friend was embaressed.

The bestest part was riding in a convertible with Shaft turned up really loud. I felt like a cop from the 70's or something. Ooooh! I also found out that this guy I saw the other night might like me and since chris hasn't called me ONCE since we broke up ("good friends" my ass) I think I'll pursue it.

july 26, 2001
7:58am
I dreamt that I opened up my arm and I was pulling out fat, but then I began mistakenly pulling out muscle. When I closed my arm up, it was nothing but a bone wrapped in loose skin. I think I wanted to be thinner in my dream, which is insane cause I already have puny, little girl arms.

I also dreamt that I was with Chris and when I woke up I couldnít go back to sleep cause I kept thinking about him. I got up at 4:50am and just laid there wishing I could stop missing him.

discovery

Iím a dipper. Discovered this today when I accidentally dipped my hair into the water fountain. Yesterday I dipped my freaking bookbag into the toilet. A PUBLIC toilet.
>=(

Bible study was so much fun last night. I love those people. I only spent like 30 min. writing the lesson, though, but I think we all understand just why we go through these things sometimes, now. Patience. We donít always get what we want when we want it cause weíre not ready for it. It helped me understand the chris thing more. Oh, and I sold a purse last night.

july 25, 2001
10:52am
Mornings are the worst. Lying there too tired to get ready yet too troubled to go back to sleep. The thunder outside added to the bleakness of my dimly lit room. Ugh. The entire day so far has felt so isolated. It's too hard to describe. Then I met a total hottie in one of my classes!! Whoo-hoo!! Oh, wait. I forgot something. I found out yesterday that 8 italian doctors have confirmed my brother has cancer. they flew him to spain yesterday to have those doctors there double-check, i guess. apparently his tumor is huge. as soon as i heard, i was like, that liar. he's made up so much stuff before, that i don't even really feel anything for him right now. someone that lied to his parents, his wife, and the navy about a horrible accident just a few months ago. someone that used to steal my jewelry and sneak through my closet when i was alseep. how can i feel anything for him now? i feel indifference. im not hating him and not loving him either. indifference is a lack of passion either way and i don't like it. blah. i hate days when there's no sun. it's not dark out, but it's not bright. i wanna move to texas. where the stars at night are big and bright. the skies aren't cloudy all day. and i can find myself one hot cowboy. i miss the south. i miss the coast even more. the midwest is a land of indifference. blah. and i forgot my mom's b-day yesterday. oops.

oh well. bible study tonight and im teaching about patience. isn't God funnie? that's the one thing i've never had. i guess it's something else i should learn.

but next week it will all change!!! im going to be the most gorgeous bridesmaid, catch that fucking bouquet if i have to gouge out eyes, and have a blast at the beach!! (i just need a ride over is all....) AND i have completely forgotten my countdown, but my birthday is in two weeks. i have not had a SINGLE drop of alcohol (excluding wine and chanpagne- those don't count) since i turned 21 last year. haven't i been a good girl? anyway, screw classes. ever since two saturdays ago my grades have been going down. but i don't really care. i'll make it up next quarter. uh, what was my point? oh yes, i think it was that next month will be a much better month. it's been 4 years since i've been single and i just needed a couple of weeks to get adjusted i think. yes, that was it.

july 24, 2001
11:32am
I almost forgot to talk about my initiation into the
Loser Society last night!!
I watched a rerun of 7th Heaven (for no good reason) and i cried 4 times. The stupidest time was at his suprise b-day party. I was all like, *sniffle* all his friends came to see him! and Oh! he forgot it was his b-day! Oh my gosh. That was so lame that im like embaressed that I even wrote that.

11:09am
"you are like the most complex person I"ve EVER met."
-dave

actually, i think im so perfectly easy to understand that sometimes it's like im the only sane one on the planet. YOU guys are the crazy ones!!!

Anyway, i've thought about it, and I don't even understand racism or even how people know im not white. to me, everyone looks the same unless they're black or from india. i can't even pick out mexicans. I guess most other people can't either since I've been mistaken for being a member of various asian cultures, hawaiian, south american, italian, persian, pure native american, and so on. most of all, i don't understand what would motivate an individual to get up from his bench and tell a perfect stranger that the "white country" does not want her. I know I'm supposed to be nice, but my vengeful self is saying, "i hope he goes to hell and relives this moment over and over but this time in my shoes."

8:01am
If one more person tells me to go back to my own country, I think I'll kill them. Yesterday, I was just standing on the sidewalk when this old white guy is like, "Hey, honey, hey hun!!" and i just looked at him like whatever. And he said, "Why don't you go back to your own country? This is white man's land! We don't want you here." I was so mad at him. He kept saying white people were the only people ever here and there was no such thing as native americans, and THEN he said, "You think you're all that? Well, you've got a big ass." And THAT pissed me off. So I went off on him and told him to get some teeth and blah, blah, blah. I hate racism. If he doesn't like me, he can get back on his ship and go back to Europe because this IS my land and my ancestors were here WAY before his. Dumbass. When I got home I was like, "IS my ass big?!" And I looked at it from a bunch of different angles.

july 23, 2001
10:31am
im so sad that im now $400 short for tuition which was due last week and im down to 104 lbs when i try to eat, i think about them and then my stomach turns into a tight little knot leaving no room for food. i tried thinking about my career instead. and then this outfit came to mind and i was like, wow, i could see that at Hollister or Abercrombie. i've decided to try and intern at some richy store designing. i wish i was done with school already or that i had the money to run away. i thought about just driving down to the east coast. i miss the mountains and the ocean and the woods. i'd listen to country music all the way down. Not stupid junk, but Earl Had to Die stuff. i hate being at school. i wish i was at home in bed with my sugar-free fudgcicles and my new cosmo. i wanna watch TLC. a wedding story and a dating story. i *love* those shows!!

july 22, 2001
4:23pm
I'm going to tell you what I'm feeling/thinking right now even though I'm not very proud of it. I know no one really cares, but that's alright cause no one makes you read this.
God just keeps speaking to me. I just talked to Chris on the phone. Yes, I maybe talked myself up a bit. Why? Because in my stupid little head I believe we should be together. Then, after I hung up, I got this "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I want something so badly and God keeps telling me he knows better. I know he has a better plan, but right now my heart is in mine. How can someone be so stupid? How often does God speak to people and here I am wishing he'd stop!! Maybe not stop, but...I don't know. I know I'm stubborn. Please don't stop, God. I'll come around. You're the only one that always waits for me and loves me enough to put up with my stupidness. I know you have something better. Please let me not only understand and believe this but truly feel it.

2:46pm
Last night I dreamt that I was lost in the city. Every day I meet my mom at a certain garage to drive home together, but in my dream I couldn't figure out where I was. I recognized the street names and all, but couldn't really remember how to get to where my mom was. I was running because I was late already and there were men everywhere that kept trying to talk to me which made me more scared. I think this symbolizes a feeling of frustration inside me as well as feeling lost. I also dreamt that I was back in my house in VA and Chris was there and was telling me how she wasn't what he expected. He was sitting right next to me then he said, "Melida, I have to tell you, I-" and that's it. I think I woke up and I had the most horrible feeling of anxiety.

I think I've also realized that I am full of hate, impatience and frustration. I'm reading this book about anger and one type is the Moral Anger. It's where you think your outburts are perfectly justified. I never got to the part about how to control it, though, and last night I could have used that. My parents and I were at a Rib.Jazz fest and this BIG man was hitting a woman in the face!! Their kid was screaming as his relatives held him back and the woman tried to talk to him but he was fucking hitting her!! So I turned and screamed, "Don't hit her!! You don't hit women!" and then he stared coming after me as this other woman was like, "stay out of other people's business, bitch!! go back to your own country!!" (oh, and she was black.) My mom dragged me away as I was still screaming and my dad jumped in between us like, you leave her alone!

In my head, that woman needed help. I know I'm strong enough to stand up for her. I feel like I had to help her, you know? But maybe people don't appriciate me like that. Like the time this man was pushing a woman out of his car in traffic and throwing her things out of the window, I started fighting for her but...I don't know. Did I actually change anything? And maybe what my mom said is true. She deserves it for being stupid enough to be with a man like that. But then I think about the times I was hurt and I know I didn't deserve it and I wanted someone to help me. Of course, I had no one.

Sometimes I hate my gift of compassion. I can not only see all the injustice in the world but i can feel it. I can't watch the news because I cry and not just for sad things. I feel like I have this obligation just by being human to help them and at every cost. I've never stopped for a second to think about the consequences, like that man possibly hitting me. I can't stand this. I want to help these people, but they won't let me and neither will people around me. How can you stand by as someone is being hit? I can't understand how what I feel can be wrong.

oh, and as i lay in bed this morning a plan came into my head. i don't think God wants me to go through with it, but a big part of me is urging me on. i hate that. so far it's cheered me up, but im losing my depression for the wrong reason. im like, confused but in some weird way everything is perfectly clear. There are two paths before me right now and I can see down each one but at the same time, i can't step foward into either path. i think im gonna read some more of my book.

july 20, 2001
2:59pm
bored. im gonna plan a girly sleepover for this weekend.

whoo-hoo!

even though tv tells you otherwise, girls do not run around in their bras and panties then break into pillow fights every 5 seconds. so I need to make a list of stuff to do

1. rent stupid girl movie. Bring It On, or see Legally Blonde.
2. get food.
3. don't wonder what chris and L. are up to every 2 seconds.
4. go to strip club. cliche, but so what?
5. get film. save pics of friends drooling for later blackmail.
6. drive around dressed up and catcalling guys
7. call up spirits of the dead
8. have excorcist on speed dial
9. get a young priest and an old priest..
10. get a mud mask that will burn flesh right off the skull
11. have paramedics on speed dial.
12. convince someone it would be "so cool" to dye their hair green with Kool-Aid

10:04am
this fashion designer said that from the moment she met me, she knew there was something "different" or "off" about me; then she reassured me that this was a good thing. she introduced me to the fashion power house of Cincinnati and i watched a critique. She said she can see that I have "the gift". My mom had her over for dinner last night. She saw some of my works and was impressed.
=)

I also decided last night that im not gonna beg for chris back. i think i cried for the last time. im just gonna concentrate on making my way into Cinci and being happy. I've decided that to be happy I need to start getting lots of attention for my work. That way I can be totally involved in that. Oh yes, and I need a boyfriend. Kidding!

july 19, 2001
12:56pm
class project gone bad
thanks, mandy!

9:15am
I'm only asking that you think about this fact for a moment: cow milk is biologically created for a cow's digestive system. they have four stomachs. human milk is created for our digestive system. is it any wonder there are so many lactose intolerant people? Now, don't you agree that we should switch to human?

8:18am
Oh, and Kristin has offered 50 times to take me out friday on a "cheer me up" mission to go clubbing and to see strippers. i told her i wasn't sure i wanted to go but she assured me they were mostly gay anyway and i could redirect any unwanted lap dances to her. What a true friend you are, girl.

7:58am
I talked to Chris yesterday for about 2 hours. Talked about her and us and stuff. He still likes me and all and thinks sheís "cute", but not hot (he said I was hot and she wasnít HA!). Blah, blah, blah. Then all these people that graduated with them told me sheís fat and ugly and talks about people (I know Iím doing it now, but I usually donít- I think itís mean) and has a huge attitude. And they said Iím SO much prettier and nicer!! Whhheeeeeeeeeeeee!! And then some lady came up to me like, "you should model. Hereís my card. Iíd like you to stop in with some pics so blah, blah, blah." In front of Chris and even though itís all selfish and all, I was happy and I almost hoped a little bit that he regretted being with her.

Anyway, we learned about Peace at bible study and so thatís what Iím striving for and to know that something greater is in control. Apparently people at church are all impressed by my leadership skills (I donít know why they think I have any) and they wanna break our current group in half (itís getting huge) and let me take charge of one. Iím thinking the power will go to my head and Iíll turn them into my minions of the night. Iíll make Ďem do cool stuff like capture chipmunks and bring them to me or TP peopleís houses. Iíll make them these awesome spandex uniforms with sequins and masks!! That would be so cool that I would drop out of school just to be their great leader.

july 18, 2001
11:06am
there's some other girl he wants to date. and he just told me about it yesterday. a girl he's been friends with for years that i never liked cause they always hung out. so you see? all my jealousy has finally been validated. i cried forever when i found out and did LOTS of shopping. but i think im ok now.

i know it doesn't make sense for non-christians, but i finally let God take care of it and i think i'll be alright now. no more crying myself to sleep. even that knot that was in my stomach is gone and lost my urge to vomit.

i may still pass out from 3 days with virtually no food though, but that's it, everything else is faaaaaaaaar behind me. i called anthony last night and all he did was take advantage by saying he'd move here, get me a ring, blah, blah, blah. i need some friends that are girls for once. so they'll let me cry instead of talk themselves up now that im single.

we're most likely still going to ocean city. if his new girl doesn't like it i'll tell her, tough shit, bitch, i let you hang out with him when he was MY boyfriend.

oh!! and for the first time i actually paid attention to what my mom said and this is what it was: (younger readers: do not continue)
"freaky slow ass"
"dumb ass"
"freaky ass"
all this while driving. i didn't know she said freaky so much when talking to other drivers.

and that's it. im trying to stay happy and i think i will. i see chris this afternoon and we're gonna "talk". i prayed i wouldn't kill him or the girl and i think God took all my frustration away, so we'll see if they're still alive tomorrow.

july 17, 2001
2:30pm
since i often find myself running out of things to procrastinate with and envy is a mofo that can't stay up 24 hrs straight, i have 4 books to read, whoo-hoo! I'm gonna start doing yoga, too. Hopefully, in a month i'll be able to do neat things like bend backwards and touch my ankles with my ears. then i'll go around bragging about that.

since im still pissed about everything, im going shopping tonight AND going out to eat. then i'll be at $-1600.00 Yes!!

11:08am
man i hate it when envy goes down. got pissed at them so i posted over here

haven't done anything but cry so hard i gave myself a sore throat and a nose bleed. im hardly better now, but im going to max out my card and drain my account online. even though tuition is due tomorrow, i need some meaningless crap to fill this void.

my mention of the day
"momentously, Spanky is single. Being that she is the most eligible girl in a five county area, people everywhere (note I use the gender inspecific word "people"--Spanky is universally appealing) will line up to marry her. I'm hoping to be in the top 50 people. I spoke with her briefly--she's bummed."
-Swiftheart

I actually do have a list of people and the next name down has been waiting for 2 years. But I don't feel like starting a new serious relationship. Out of courtesy I have activated the list and contacted Anthony. - but with clear intentions of not running off to be married any time soon.

I'm so sad. I actully cleaned my room. How scary is that? I think I have insomnia, too. I excercised and read magazines and paced my floor but it took over 4 hours to fall asleep.

july 16, 2001
10:15am
I fell asleep in a parking garage and missed my first class. I had like 5 different dreams about parking garages and Chris was in one of them.

After work yesterday I went to a picnic where they baptized like 20 people. It was fun. There was goose poop everywhere though cause the church has two ponds. When they did the Lord's Supper they said it symbolized a new life with Him starting from that moment. Dependant on nothing else. And I was like, well, how ironic. I keep talking about God, don't I?

Whenever I break up with someone (or they break up with me) I always feel like doing something I most likely shouldn't. I'm debating another piercing or a tattoo. I may be leaning more towards the tattoo, but that's more painful so the piercing may win. I want my lip, but I think my dad would kick me out. All I need now is some money.....

july 15, 2001
4:32pm
i can leave in 30 minutes. all i've done is sit low in my chair and stare at nothing. i thought about what my pastor said in church and the more i think about it, the more sense it makes. which makes me feel bad. we're not "officially" broken up. We're on a break. To see if we're really meant to be together. But if he's dated other people and done stuff with them and it turns out we WERE meant to be together, what the hell makes him think i'll take him back after being passed around like some whore? see, now im starting to be negative. i don't even want to date around. and im not going to. how can we go on a break to date other people? i would need, like, months. our 2 yr anniversary was in a few weeks. we're gonna miss that. and i'll shut up now before i cry cause im at work. i don't have anyone to spend my birthday with either. no one to run my errands with. no one to call. and he's two towns over now. i'm not gonna see him again, am i?

12:46pm
Chris moved to another town yesterday. Took all day. When night came we went to McDonald's for McFlurries. We went outside to sit by the playground and talked a bunch about our decision. Then McDonald's closed with us still outside!! We banged on the doors, but noone heard so we climbed the gate and jumped out. Then he drove me home and as I left he called me back. I stood by his truck door for about 10 minutes as he just stared at me and every now and then would say something. Mostly, "will you be alright?" Well, why wouldn't I be, I mean, we're only broken up after having dated for one year, 11 months, and 2 days. But I just nodded.

I knew I would cry and be so depressed. But it hasn't happened yet. I think it's cause I prayed about it as soon as possible. In the shower this morning, these awesome thoughts came to me that cheered me up. At church today, the pastor broke away from the message to say something that had been put on his heart that very morning in prayer- and it was like he was talking right to me. And then I saw this woman at church I haven't seen in forever who reinforced my decisions about what to do about this. AND, as I left the parking lot, a song was on that was exactly what was on my mind. I think I really need to take advantage of this opportunity cause I really believe God gave it to me.

I've become to attached to material things and relationships. The song's refrain was "we must hold the wealth of this world loosely in the palm of our hands". Duh. That's exactly what I need to do. I was afraid to go away to school because I'd miss so much stuff, which is stupid. I shouldn't plan my life around a relationship or anything like that. That will only hold me back from truly doing what God wants. So this is like my wake up call from him and I'm listening this time.

I can't say I'm not sad. He was my best friend. We were together every single day. Plus, he was my freaking ride to Ocean City.

july 13, 2001
11:25am
I'm sad. I didn't know how sad until last night when I walked to the checkout with two paris of sandals, two shirts, eye shadow and a new bra. As soon as Chris saw me he asked why I was depressed. He knows I find quick happiness in material possesions when I'm depressed. I think I forgot all about it this morning, though, when I saw all the old people at Kroger. There were 20 people walking in. I can't believe people get up early, like, at dawn on a friday just to buy their prunes, correctol, and OJ.

july 12, 2001
3:41pm
b-o-r-e-d.
cooking, cleaning, and quilting. that's all i've been doing the past couple of days in my free time. I feel like a housewife =(
i got to lead bible study last night because the guy who usually does it was out of town. so last minute i came up with a topic and we discussed for about an hour. I'm so good at multi-tasking when it doesn't involve homeowrk, cleaning my room, or my bank account.

9:09am
my birthday is in 27 days. I have warned you. There is no excuse for not giving me a present.

things i am coveting madlly for my 22nd b-day

1. a life time supply of fried okra

2. Flowbee!!!

3. pepper spray

4. tim curry

5. to see my bedroom floor

6. diahrrea pills for cats

7. a bike. this time, WITH brakes

8. my dad's family to remember that i exist

9. Discover Card/ Novus to drop dead

10. my hair to grow 6 inches over night

8:56am

reasons why chris doesn't like taking me out

1. When I need help in a store, I page for it on the intercom

2. Last time at Walmart, I opened a box and tried out the ab roller in front of the checkout.

3. i wear my dog collar

4. i try on way too many clothes without ever buying anything

5. the time i got in a fight with these two big men at Walmart

6. i prefer to be pushed in a cart to walking

7. I always pay the $0.25 to ride the mechanical horse/dinosaur/ ice cream truck

8. I never have my wallet (and when I do, it's empty anyway)

9. i spend way too much time laughing at the XXL thongs

10. he's the only straight male who has visited Jo Ann Fabrics fifty-trillion times

july 11, 2001
11:09am
No one I talked to yesterday thought it would be a good idea to replace cow milk with human milk. >=( Even though it makes perfect sense.

I haven't done a single thing today but oversleep, miss class, not do homework, and come completely unprepared for my oral today. Oh, I did get in a non-physical fight with some old drunk guys on the bus. The driver kicked them off before I could break any legs which saddened me, but I don't suppose it would have been such a good idea since I'm in a skirt. My mean face doesn't work when my butt is hanging out. I've thought of not riding the bus anymore, though. Last week some old guy was, uh, you know, like, "stroking" himself and smiling at me. I kept giving him mean faces but eventually just went up front to sit by the driver. The week before that some old guy with no teeth was all like, "so, how do you take it?" I think I'll pick up some pepper spray and just be very generous in using it. They're just ugly, old men and if the police actually got involved they'd more than likely be on my side.

july 10, 2001
9:49am
the Love Calculator says the results of a match betweenMelida **** & Timothy Curry are 98%!!!!
"Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between melida **** and timothy curry has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc."

And The Spark says I'm a Guru. "GURU (Submissive Extrovert Abstract Feeler ) Like just 12% of the population you are a GURU (SEAF)--kind, knowing, giving. Like Buddha of old, you can be a persuasive speaker, and you use your creative talents to further the objectives of your heart instead of your mind. But be careful that your friends don't take advantage of your relaxed nature, that's what happened to Jesus. Above all, you like going with the flow. And there is probably nothing in the world you haven't smoked. That's cool. Oh yeah, you like to talk a lot. That's cool, too. Whatever. "

9:31am
How funnie would it be if I went to a milk bank to make a withdrawl?

8:02am
I was head-butted awake at 5:15am by my stupid cat. I would pet him but he kept doing it. After I pushed him away, he started walking on top of me, kneading with his paws. I lost my last 10 minutes of sleep because of him >=(

Then I took a really sharp turn that sent cheerios all over the van. With milk- rice milk. My sweatshirt today is from the dirty laundry and my dog peed downstairs. I'm sore from my mom body-slamming me onto the couch last night. But I still think morning is my favorite time of the day.

My goal for today is to find out why people think it's ok to drink cow milk. COW milk. We are HUMANS, not cows. So why are we so opposed to drinking human milk? It's like we're drinking cow breast milk (if cows had boobs). We line them up in some barn somewhere and suck their "breast milk" out of them for sterilization and mass consumption. Those poor animals. Cows are for beef, not for milk. So I've got to go do a little research on this now, because I think this might be a really good idea.

july 9, 2001
3:48pm
Let's here it for my special powers!! Today I learned that I will always pick the only stall that's out of toilet paper.
=)

Temptation Lab

I have a stat quiz today right after work. In the lab I'm working in, the other section of my stat lecture is taking the quiz. I can freaking see the quiz from here. Do I take notes????

The only thing that sucks about working here is that in the morning you're completely alone with 4 empty rooms around you. I almost peed my pants when someone wallked in earlier. Cause I'm all scared of noises like that and earlier the papers on the walls were fluttering for no reason (though now that I think about it, I bet it was a draft from opening the doors).

july 8, 2001

highlight of the day:
having K. wipe a booger on me.

Yesterday was the opening of the new exhibit so two news stations were there, speed vision, two magazines and a newspaper. I, of course, was smart enough to hang out around the mayor and Bobby Hill to make sure I got representatoin somewhere.

july 6, 2001

3:24pm
You know what? I've been trying for 3 weeks to quit my job and I haven't been able to yet!!! Ahhhh!!

As much as I think it'll really help me on my way to becoming a biker chic, I have to quit. My day has been so boring. Except for talking to Kendall, he's, like, so super cool. Yeah.

11:14am
Did you know that we subconsciously label people homophobic when they are uncomfortable with gay men? I'm not talking about all the technicalities, just that this is how we always measure it. I'm fine with gay men so I'm not a homophobe, but then a guy is like, "ick" and so he is. But if you asked me about a gay girl, then I would prolly be like, "ick" too. So our standards of labeling people homophobic should include testing them against their own sex.

But now that I've said that I'm gonna have to display how I feel on homosexuality in general so I don't get all this hate mail.
I will not tell you you'll go to hell just because you're gay. In the big scheme, it is a sin, but we're all sinners anyway and it's in our nature. You're not supposed to lie or lust either, and plenty of straight people do that. I don't think any sin is worse than any other. You sin, you sin. I don't think you have to be straight to be a Christian, either. I don't like jazz and I don't like it when people listen to jazz but I'm not gonna tell you you're going to hell and I'm not gonna think I'm better than you (well, maybe but you get the point here).

I don't believe people "choose" to be gay. No one would choose to be ostresized (?!) by their family and society in general and why would you choose something you don't want? If it was true that all men lusted for women and vice versa, we wouldn't have homosexuality but it's not that way. For whatever reason, these people really do feel this way. Ok? Whatever, anyway, just don't send any mail now accusing me being prejudiced or a fake Christian, cause I hate when people do that.

7:38am
I've had a cement truck honk at me, a few weird guys stare and some other guy called me "cutie". I guess I look alright today. Which is funnie cause this sweatshirt is dirty and may have a booger on it...

I hit snooze this morning but instead of enjoying it, lay there the entire time getting onto myself for hitting it.

july 5, 2001

1:11pm
The forces of evil are preventing me from seeing my crush today. Argh....>=(
If I don't see him today I will make sure I see my becrushed (a variation on "beloved" yet seems to give the impression of a person that has just been run over) tomorrow. Mark My Words, evil one!!! No, on second thought, don't do that, evil one. I don't think I want anyting to do with you.
And after I made myself all pretty today, too......hmph!

9:09am
You know, ever since I stopped eating dairy and sugar I've been losing weight. I think what's going on is I'm losing bone density and muscle (if i ever had any), like the way old ladies do. I'm pre-maturely old-lady-shrinking. I first noticed it as a problem last week when I was using the potty. It was a potty where the sensor senses when you leave then flushes. Well, when I turned sideways to get paper, it flushed.
I've decided to excercise and become this totally buff chica. Like the girl from Terminator 2. She rocked.

8:14am
Thank you, Swiftheart, for your 2:30 am page. I hope you had tons of fun at TAco BEll!!! I don't know what it is, but even though it's on vibrate at the other end of the room, I can HEAR it. I think I'm part canine but I must conduct further research before making this statement.

7:58am
I had to bribe myself out of bed. 5:25am. I was having this weird dream where I was at a gas station getting $4.80 of gas and a pack of big red gum. I looked around for a magazine but the lady only had porn which she kept trying to push on me. I told her no thank you and she smiles and says:
"Oh, I know what you want." Then asks me to join a mailing list for some special porn mag and I was all like, "um, no, really, I can't"
"Cause you live with your parents? Oh. Your door frame is weak."
Then my alarm went off.

I wanted to hit snooze but I lay there instead and said:
"Come one, wake up. You can't sleep any longer. If you get up, I'll do everything I can to make you see your crush today". And THAT, would be the day's motivation. Pathetic.

Anyway, saw lots of fireworks over the past couple of days and had a fit when a HUGE bug landed on me last night. It was like three inches long and could fly. I took my shirt off and tried to kill it by swatting at it.

We set off illegal fireworks, ate a ton, and even got rear-ended. A true celebration of American Independence.

july 3, 2001

2:39pm
whenever im on a bus and im bored, i play a game:
if everyone on earth died and only those of us on the bus survived, who would i re-populate the earth with? *looks around* I usually decide to become a lesbian or jump out the window and let whatever killed the world take me with it.

10:46am
Homework: 0; Goofing Off: 25

Today's task- undo brainwashing. I must learn to not get crushes so easily. I must realize that I will never ever meet and marry Tim Curry, then I'll work on doing the same with all the other guys on the list.

I'm bored. I made a Mr Clean bottle w/my friend on it and decided to make a disclaimer page.

10:38am
Hi, Dave!!

7:55am
Hello. I am here today because I have an addiction. It's my makeup bag.

I went a whole week w/o it and during my withdrawl I came to see how much it really is affecting my life.
No, not really. I did just about go crazy because I couldn't find it though. Found it this morning under a sleeping bag and concluded that today would be a good day. What would I do without my eyelash curler!

So I finally made my final decision. I will graduate here first and then go on to UC. That way I have more time to move and I can finish what I've started here rather than dragging it on for 7 years across three schools. Oh yes, and there's vanity. I would like to, in the future, be able to point to two degrees up on my wall.

july 2, 2001
12:40pm
Ooooh! I suspect that my friend Spanky has downright orgasmic bowel movements Why, thank you, Swiftheart! I never knew you thought so highly of me!!

8:49am
even thought it was cool yesterday, almost everyone at a party I went to was swinging on a tire swing into the creek below. Everyone's nipples were hard and I laughed and made fun of the guys. I didn't go in cause it was cool, and Chris knew that people went to the bathroom in there- so he stayed out. When I got home I tried wrestling my mom, but she grabbed my arms and kept swinging me onto the bed. I tried giving her a wedgie or pushing her down, too, but I think I'm too small. Chris laughed cause she kicked my butt so I told him to shut up and then pouted.

so tired. still have homework to do before class and junk to finish before bible study on wed. all these kids in here are starting to get on my nerves. they're so loud. i must remember not to have kids

july 1, 2001
2:02pm
at work. starving. hoping my car does not get broken into as it's parked out in ghetto campus.

gave into temptation yesterday and bought Grandma's vanilla creme cookies which are the best in the whole wide world, but now im feeling horrible. i hate that sugar does this to me.

And I've got another crush. Haven't had one in such a long time, though. It's someone I've crushed on before but I hate it cause it's a boss at one of my jobs. Argh. I just need to wait til he yells at me or something then I'll hate him. I can't stand being yelled at. It makes me cry and then I never forgive the person. I can't stand any kind of negative enforcement. Not even when someone tells me to do something. I hate that. That makes me cry, too. I think I cry too much. I don't even watch the news anymore. And I don't watch sappy or sad movies. Songs make me cry, too. This is probably why I only watch funnie movies.


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