june 30, 2001
shhhh! im not supposed to be on right now.
hopefully, next sat will be my last one working here.
today my sister turns 18. Now, all of my siblings are adults now and i swear not a single one acts like it. boring. at work with nothing to do. there are three of us here which is too many for the museum. im gonna go pass out flyers and be annoying i guess. later
june 29, 2001
i need to meditate on the theory of quality, not quantity.
chris said that "when we get a house, we'll get a puppy when we get our kitten- that way they'll grow up together and won't fight." He's so sweet sometimes. The rest of the time he's just some "im too good for this" jock.
Only and hour and 10 minutes left before I can go home. This day has gone by so slowly. I began the process to quit one of my jobs. I have to write a letter of resignation. I don't know what one is. I also scheduled an appt. with a Dr. I haven't had an exam since '99 and figured I should get one. Plus, I've decided that I don't ever want my period ever again so I want to get some bc without the 5 days placebos. That would rock. What else....oh yes, and I read every single blog on this girl's site. Took me like 4 days. I'm bored. Hungry.
You know what I did? I sprained my leg with my big butt. For the past week or two, I've been sitting up on my leg cause this chair is too low to type comfortably. And now my leg is sprained from having that weight twist it down. I guess it's not that I have a big butt, but that the rest of my body would've been in on the spraining action, too. Oh yes, and I've just realized that I type with my pinkies up. Like a snob.
Ate 1/4 of a grilled chicken with fresh-squeezed lemonade for breakfast. Mmmmm....my lips still feel greasy.
I think that last night Chris saw that there's always more to the hot, sexy, love of your life. I think a lot of people are disillusioned when they date people. You only see them dressed up for you and you think they are always like that. But last night Chris got to see me with no makeup, a Biore strip on my nose and bent over the bathroom floor scrubbing Bastian's poop footprints off the floor by the litterbox. I don't remember him saying I was sexy last night. But whatever, that's just the way the real world is. He marveled at my cat's ability to get poop on the bathtub which is 3 feet away from the litterbox. My kitty's digestive system is amazing.
I am increasingly suprised and maybe disgusted by how much little kids are surrounded by sex. Right now, there are a bunch of elementary students in here with me and one girl is singing stuff about rolling around on the ground with someone "if your love is strong" then let's get it on... And the boys are looking up porn. Oh well. I've got homework to finish.
june 28, 2001
i don't know if i've said this before, but it just came to me.
you know how some people are idiots about interracial dating? like, "stick with your own kind", or, "you have to think about the children!"? Well, I have ONLY dated interracially. Mostly white guys. But anyway, i don't even know any other mexicans or hispanics but i think that if the opportunity came along I wouldn't take it. I mean, when I look at most mexicans, i think of my brother, cousin, dad, or some male relative. that's nasty. i can't date someone that reminds me of a relative!
i think about that sometimes. and about this girl i once knew. she said she'd never marry a black man because life would be too hard on her children. what?! there were so many things wrong with that that i thought i'd faint from brain overload.
1- life will always be full of challenges
2- you marry for love- not to genetically pre-determine your child's future
3- you're just giving racism all sorts of footholds.
fear: i don't know why but I've got this constant fear that i will fart out of nowhere- very loudly. it's makes me so nervous. the more i think about it, the more nervous i get, the more nervous i get, the more i feel like i have to fart...
i just won $20!!
Chris bet me 20 bucks that Gene Wilder was dead. Turns out he had cancer but is in remission. You go, Gene!!!
yesterday envy was down- today explorer keeps closing on me.
this is my third try at an entry.
happened again yesterday but i don't think i can tell you the details.
explorer always closes when i get to a certain part of my story.
i think it's a sign. have a huge knot on my arm this morning.
i have to start doing anger management classes or something now.
find out how to stop this.
bible study went fairly well. i think i taught them something they can use.
it's about joy- happy 24/7. Then I saw how I was this hypocrite cause
I'm asking them to do this, but then I screwed up yesterday by letting
so many negative emotions take total control of me.
decided that i hate my life. not like i want to die, but 7 days a week i wake up early
for work or school and i hate that. im not DOING anything.
im quitting one of my jobs- giving two weeks notice today.
im gonna try to replace that income doing something i truly love
and KNOW i should be doing. making things. i already made
one sale yesterday.
i told them yesterday that GPA's, jobs, houses, prestige- in the end
none of that crap matters. i suppose the only thing that does
is whether or not you had that exuberance about life- joy.
and right now, i don't.
june 26, 2001
For the past 6 days I have totally been freaking out over tomorrow night's bible study. Kinda like this:
"Joy? Joy?! I don't know what Joy is! How am I supposed to teach something I don't know? What if I turn them in the wrong direction and in 20 min I undo years of work in them!?!?!
I think I've finally got it, though. And some nice grandma-type lady just reassured me that I'd do well.
Thank you, someone's grandma.
If I believed in spirit guides, mine would be Dale Earnhardt and I'll tell you why.
This morning as I was about to leave my room, I found a tiny, little "3" on my floor. And it's the race car kind of 3. I have no idea where it came from and have thus concluded that he has spoken to me. I can't think of what he's saying, though, cause nothing weird or anything has happened to me today except for choosing the only stall out of 7 that had no toilet paper.
june 25, 2001
There's nothing like starting your period completely unprepared and in the middle of class.
june 24, 2001
I'm ok with it now, but last sat. at our friends' wedding, I was upset/ dissapointed. The last thing a girl wants her b/f to say is "welp, i guess he's stuck with the old ball and chain now!!" as the couple walks down the aisle.
1. it makes your g/f think she'll never get married
2. she will consider breaking up with you
3. you sound like a commitment-phobe
as stupid as it sounds, i was actually upset that Chris has said that. i shouldn't be. Although I'll be 22 in a month and he's 18 having just graduated high school this month. There are very few things that suck about dating younger people- but this would be one of them.
Do you know how an old, drunk man hits on a girl at a busstop? I do.
Sadly, through experience.
So I'm illegally parking at Kroger today and I walk to the stop to take a bus to campus. There, a man with a huge can of beer begins talking to me but he's missing half his teeth and I can't understand him very well. Anyway, he asks me if I like older men cause they know what to do with women and stuff. I tell him I have a b/f and I only date younger men. After much incoherent mumbling to which I just nod my head he says:
"how do you take it" huh?
"you know, dick"
I just stood up and said, "you know what, im walking." and left. It took 20 minuts to walk to campus and by the time i was almost to work i was about to cry. on the way there men just kept whistling and stuff. I know you're thinking, "but it's a compliment!" not when they're old and nasty and drunk and calling out to you from the corners of the allies.
I wish I could have hurt that first man that spoke to me today. I know I'm not supposed to feel that way, but he hurt me more that I could hurt him by ripping his testicles off and shoving them down his throat til he choked to death. I hate it when men do that. They make me so uncomfortable.
june 22, 2001
It isn't a hate about summer, foriegn people, or my job... but in warmer temps., boy do people's underarms stink! I hate working here for that very reason- and others, too, but the stinky people are a big part of the pie chart.
I have fallen in love with a site again.
Two theories for the morning.
1. If Secret is pH balanced for a woman, many women's deodorants must be also. What happens when I use a man's? For the past year up until this morning I have used men's deoderant. Not because I have this huge problem with odor and wetness (cause I don't) but because women's deodorants all smell like baby powder and flowery douches. I will not smell like that. I refuse.
And since I love the way men smell, I just started using men's deodorant. Now, what if my pH balanced is screwed up now? Ihave been acting really masculine lately... I mean, I burp and fart and all that. Is it possible that society monitors gender roles through our deodorants? Am I screwed for life now?!
2. I have made a startling connection that may change the events of human history. It came to me this morning on my way to Stats. It has to do with God. Alright, so. Last winter, I took this test and found out that my spiritual gifts are miracles and compassion. Miracles is basically a praying gift. Before I knew that, I had many dreams where I was leading people that weren't Christians and stuff. Like, once I was leading this group of people and we came across a lake of clear liquid but it was boiling and there were people in it screaming cause they were boiling to death. I ran to the middle of the lake and prayed and it turned into this gorgeous lake and this was where I was supposed to lead the people behind me. Then everyone got in a cirlce and was praying and stuff. Boiling lake in dream= boiling lake of fire at end of world? And there were other dreams like that to. So what if I turn out to be some kind of person that leads all these people to Christ? Wouldn't that be cool? Then I remembered that movie Bless the Child. I saw it last week.
So these are the two things I'm contmplating today at work.
june 21, 2001
Mmmmm...a guy wearing my fave cologne just walked by.
Do you know what I hate? People who hate in the name of God. God never told us to hate people that were different. He said LOVE them. So what the f*ck are these so-called Christians doing telling gays they're going to hell? Or condemning pregnant teens? EVERYONE is a sinner. And EVERYONE still gets a chance to go to heaven. That's the point of being a Christian. You're saying, "I do wrong things. I need Christ to take the punishment for MY sins." If you see a Christian being judgemental, you need to remind them what being a Christian is.
Christ is not a license to hate.
"Take the world in a love embrace. Fire all of your guns at once and, explode into spaaa-yaaaace. Like a true nature's child, I was born, born to be wild. I can fly so high, I never wanna die..."
I was just thinking about the car ride in today and this song popped into my head. Even though I'm not a car freak, I enjoyed the Mustang a little. Even though it jerked a lot and I had to keep telling my mom to put it into second or the next gear.
june 20, 2001
When you don't live on campus and you're there for 10 hours stretches, you'll find yourself in situations where you really have to poop.
Pooping on campus is an art . From staking out your potty to doing TP checks on your shoes. I have adapted to my strange surrondings of campus. I know where I can sleep, where I can eat, and where I can wash my hair on early mornings when I forget to.
How 'bout this- you don't pay any attention to what I just said. I've been here for a long time and am SO ready to go home now. I'm just being silly. And a little gross.
I was not trying to be mean but it was 11:30pm. I have to get up up 5:30am and I had not had any time alone with my b/f. That is why I got all cranky last night about people leaving my house. Just saying.
I wanted to upload pics today but the stupid camera isn't working. Ah well. Anyway, on my way home yesterday I took advantage of females having the right to be topless and took my shirt off in the car. The windows are broken (they won't roll down even an inch) and there's no air conditioning. It was 95 degrees in there. I also did it because I recently heard some males complaining.
"what's the point of giving women rights when they don't use them?" Jerk.
As soon as I remember who it was, I'll let them know that I use my rights. As well as all the women who can breastfeed in public.
june 19, 2001
wow. like, i just had an epiphany.
a lot of times, some people think im a b*tch- really cold-hearted and a snob. but i just realized why this is. i get scared. like when i was in middle school and this nice, popular boy was trying to make me feel less nervous so he asked
"hey- didn't my mom teach you in 2nd grade?" I freaked and answerwed
"yeah, so?!" like, all mean. i thought about that because i did it twice today. no wonder some people think im just a snot. i must strive to not freak out when confronted by people who are only trying to be nice.
Isn't it amazing when you reach that point in your relationship where you can lie next to a person on the couch and pick your nose just five inches from their face? I was amazed. And he still thinks I'm sexy,
I've been thinking about my work. I hate it. Most people do, but I don't see why everyone should hate their jobs. If we just did a little swiitching around, everyone would find the perfect job, So I'm going to free up my museum job for someone that really wants it,
I will then spend that 8 hours a week sewing and practicing what I hope to be doing one day, The thought of losing that $200 a month is the only thing stopping me right now. I need to stop being so dependant on money and having more faith,
Hey, my nickname is Meli, and this girl's cat is named Meli!
june 18, 2001
While I was in line praying for my card to go through, I decided to stay in my stats class if I had enough money to pay for the texts.
Anyway, my parents have just told me that they will no longer financially support any aspect of my education. Which is funnie since I wouldn't be here and in debt were it not for their demands. Since they have just incurred my jerk brother's $18,000+ debt, they will not be helping out my sister either. That pissed me off. I would have liked some notice so that I could save up a bit. I'm really starting to hate various males in my family. Mostly my paternal grandfather and my brother. I think our last name is cursed. It makes men turn into creeps and a$$holes.
My entry's crappy, but I need to get back into the "groove" I guess. I'm in class so I better learn something now.
I've already had two breakfasts. I've been overeating a lot lately. Yesterday I almost puked from all the crap I had eaten. I guess I kept eating cause I was bored- maybe cause I was sad.
Anyway, I'll be working and taking classes 7 days a week, so for the next 10 weeks, I should be updating a lot and moving into my domain. I'm tired. I think I'm gonna drop one of my classes today because I can only afford one class. And I'm going to quit one of my jobs. I'm gonna move into financial hell no matter what- so I think I'd rather do it having fun rather than working my butt off while never really catching up.
june 12, 2001
Yes. It's been forever. I haven't been near a comp until today. Went to Cleveland last weekend and saw almost every relative I have over the past two weeks. They all came up to see us. Took a liking to high heels. Can't stop wearing them. Chris and I are doing pretty well. He's moving again in a week. I'm going camping this weekend with a bunch of friends. Went bathing suit shopping and settled on a perfect fit. Got it at a little girls' store. It's for a 12 yr old, but it fits. I didn't want to wear it at first cause I thought I'd look dumb in this functional bathing suit while everyone else would have boobs hanging over these skimpy bikinis. Well, whatever. I may look like a volleyball player in mine, but I don't really care.
I've also adopted big hair as my thing. Big hair and high heels. I think it's an awesome look. Today I've got a sparkly red collar with studs and a "rock" muscle shirt with safety pins holding it together. The look is very glam rock star. And my hair is big.
I'm just relishing this time to sleep-in. I won't have it again until Sept. My entry is crappy- but I can't remember anything important that has happened. I'm spacing.
Starting next Mon I'll be back on very regular updates. I'll be with a comp 7 days a week. I'll make it up to you, then.
june 7, 2001
I am in love with a girl and her site.
She makes me want to take all this crap down cause I could never be as good as her. I'm like that. If I can't be the best, sometimes I just don't see the point. What if only those with the absolute highest scores became Dr's? We need those average people, too. I have to bring this analogy to mind whenever someone's better than me (and lordy, are there a lot!). When I went to Cinci, all the great designers made me jealous. I wished they weren't in school pursuing the same career I want. Do you see what a horribly jealous person I am?! My goodness! I must fix this.
In the mean time, this chica has inspired me to pull out my cameras and go capture something beautiful. And I must remember- the world needs the average people, too...
My cat has explosive diahrea. And I am not kidding.
For some reason, when he went poopy, he got it on the walls and on the bathtub. It looks like a pile of poop exploded. I will have to remember to change his cat food.
I woke up at 4am this morning cause someone had left me a voicemail. My pager was on the floor at the foot of my bed on vibrate, but as it bounced around on a spiral notebook, my canine ears could still detect it. At first, I was scared. I turned on the light and was afraid to look under my bed to see where the noise was coming from. So I listened to it just in case it was an emergency from one of my friends. It was James just saying, "hi".
So my finals are done -hooray! I have a week off til classes start up again. Alright, I'm gonna get some junk done then come back in a bit.
june 6, 2001
Finals are done. I think I did alright. I mean, it was open book
My day really hasn't been exciting at all...yet. I think tonight will
be better. I have to clean the house and get ready for bible study.
Prolly have at least 15 people. They're all fun. Maybe they'll give me something
to talk about.
I still have't decided what I'll do about school. I'm avoiding making
the decision- which I do a lot. Of course, in the end, a choice is
forced on me by default. So I'm gonna try to really think about this
one. Especially since it'll mean so many changes. I think I'll
spend my day tomorrow making a list of pros and cons.
You'd be suprised at how hard you can ram the back of a van into a concrete wall without any damage- I am, each and every time.
If the parking garages had more lighting, I wouldn't feel like Mr. Wizzard doing an impact experiment every morning. Anyway, now on to more important things.
Today is my last final. I have not studied for it, nor do I plan to. Avoidance is my plan of attack when it comes to fear. I am fearing this final. I hate being graded. Like, I know the stuff, so just give me an A!! I hate having to prove myself.
Oh well, nothing going on in my life. Chris spent almost $400 on a dual exhaust system so his truck can be really loud and look like it has two anuses. Boys are dumb. And my mom is trying to get my sis off Creatin.
Can't think of anything else. I'll be back later. I wanna work on my layout for a bit.
june 5, 2001
So tired. Slept from 2:30pm yesterday til 5:30am this morning. Allergies only affect me when I've had sugar and I've given in to that temptation a million times over the weekend. It's a lot easier to resist when it isn't right there in my face. Message on Sunday was about temptation. Ooops.
Depressed. You can say it's because of the sugar, the allergies, the end of the quarter...whatever. I'm sad. I always think about things I shouldn't when I'm depressed- or maybe it's those things that drag me down.
I tend to ignore common sense when I'm like this and I'm contemplating all the bad things I could go downtown and do right now.
I never hesitate at spending when I'm like this either. Maybe I'll go get a bitty tattoo.
Worked for a long time on the new site today but then envy went down and pissed me off.
june 4, 2001
busy weekend. trying to decide where to begin.
I've just bought my domain name!! I'm SO excited, but I have NO idea how to use it...
Anyway...I had 8 people come for the weekend. Graduation on Sat and a huge party yesterday. I was in high heels all weekend and only fell once. That one time was bad enough to bruise up both knees.
Ok. Well, there's something I hate- the only thing I hate- about being Mexican. The stereotypes. I am the way I am because this is me- not because I'm Mexican. I hate that people say, Oh she's like that cause she's a girl or cause she's Mexican. I hate that. Like I do things because it's in some kind of nature. I have free will and I choose my life. That brings me to Machismo. You know, the "typical, patriarchal, abusive Mexican man and his doting wife". My grandfather kept telling my boyfriend that I needed to go to "Mexican school". You know, to learn to cook and clean and be more quiet. I hated that. He spoke to "us" for over an hour but only looked at him. The only time he acknowledged me was when he prodded my ribs with a hard finger to demonstrate the way cows are checked for water bloating. I felt like shit- worthless because of my sex. You know what? I need a break. I'll be back to write more but right now I need to stop thinking about this.
Alright. Anyway, the party last night was awesome. We got one of those picture cakes. So my sister was sprawled out on the cake as we ate. At the bottom it said Class of 2001, so I cut my piece to say "ASS" then showed it around to everyone. I thought it was so funnie I took a pic. I'll put it up today, I think. Chris and I also went with some people to see the Animal last night. That chic from the first Survivor was in it. She's doing lip balm comercials and now a movie. That's kind of funnie, she's really pretty though. If I had straight, fine hair I'd get it short like hers. Anyway, after I waited til the very end to see if it was her or not, I ended up tripping on the stairs and banging my knees so badly I wanted to cry. But I was in front of boys, so I didn't. I drew my legs near me and waited for the shock of the pain to go away. Then I scored a bowl of chili from Chris cause I grossed him out by saying it looked like diarrhea- which it did.
I was also a bad girl over the weekend. At Chris's graduation. My jealousy is really starting to become a problem.
june 1, 2001
Most interesting moment of the morning:
Sticking my butt in the air to the hand dryer.
Jeans just came out of the dryer this morning and jeans NEVER dry.
I was uncomfortable in the sticky pants so I thought I'd
dry them in the bathroom.
Just took a final- got a high B or low A, not sure yet.
Relatives will flock in and decend upon us today. Vultures.
I know it's looking cluttered in here- I Have to be on a PC to fix that.
Scatter-brained today. Last day of classes so I've got last mintues thigns to do.
Haven't done them yet, though. Been working on a new layout.
it's here if you'd like a peek.
Coffee girl is pissing me off. I hate her voice and she's so LOUD.
I hate the way she chews, the way she flirts and her huge butt.
She's always bending over in front of me to get something from their
storage. I want to dunk her head in something hot.
Had waffles and an apple for breakfast. Guess it was too much sugar.
All I wanna do now is grab her pigtails and swing her around a bit.
My grandmother and aunt from TX are coming in a few hours!