journal archives

may 31, 2001
I dreamt that I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and it was almost dawn. Chris called me and he was with this girl. They'd been together all night. I am such a jealous mofo sometimes. Even with nice girls he's known all his life. Makes no difference to me. It sucks cause I try really hard but how do you change feelings?

Anyway, I know what a huge problem it is now that it's in my dreams, too.

Bible Study was fun last night. Had omelets and waffles. We're going to Cleveland for a basball game in a week. I get to drive even though I've only made a trip that long a few times in my life. The challenge of driving with six other 20-somethings behaving like 6 year olds makes me wonder if I should let someone else drive my van... Maybe no one will mind. I asked to drive only those who love roller coasters and near-death experiences.

Chris and my youngest sis graduate this saturday. My sis from germnay came in last night. She brought me lots of presesnts and a shot glass from Planet Holleywood in Disneyland Paris!! Whoo-hoo!!

Oh yes, and I found out that my 20 yr old sister's b/f is 26. I am not pleased by this. I think there's something wrong with that. even though I'd marry tim curry who's 55, the point is he's a yucky old man with my sister.

may 30, 2001
My butt hurts. I think it was the go-karts but I don't know why I would be so sore just from that. I need to excercise and stretch and stuff on a daily basis. Hurts most when I go up stairs.

As I rode the bus in to the city this morning, something just popped into my head. A few years ago, when I had just moved from VA to join my family here, my parents made an appt. with a psychologist. My sister had been seeing him because of trouble adjusting or something and they all thought it would be good to go as a family on a weekly basis to work things out.

Our family of six has never been normal. Of tv families we most resemble Malcom In the Middle or Married with Children. We all sat in a circle and began to talk- but everyone wanted to be the first one to talk. We started throwing punches. The Dr. stood up and we kicked him in the shins. He told us we needed to be mature about this. So I stood up and in my best "baby voice" mocked him. This really pissed him off. My parents were really embarressed and began grabbing their children and trying to throw them to separate corners of the room. Then the psychologist got in the middle of our circle and began yelling at us to behave.

We never went back. My parents never dragged us to any other family counseling program again.

Instead, our family dynamics have greatened by my sis moving to germany, my bro to spain, and (hopefully) my upcoming move to Cinci. We just can't be together. And I like it that way. I was never comfortable around any of them to be honest. That's why I'm dreading this weekend. When I imagine my grandparents coming, it feels like something is tightening around my chest making it harder to breathe.

I can't stand being around them. This is probably because life with them meant rooming with your mortal enemy. It 24/7 defense mode. This may make no sense, but there were a lot of things that put us against each other day to day. I don't feel like talking about them, though.

I like to run away from problems. Sometimes they really are just to big to handle. This is why I've often wished for amnesia.

may 29, 2001
I kicked butt yesterday. This morning, the only memories I have lasting are being broke, a sore butt, and my toe which is in oodles of pain. Randall, Mike, Chris and I went go-kart racing and putt-putting. I totally rocked in the cars, but then this moron woman ran into me and jammed my foot under my brake. Resulting in Chris passing me and my toe losing massive blood and, by the end of the week, maybe a toenail. Chris and I took top 2 places in putt-putt but we cheat like demons. We're ruthless when it comes to competition. I have this childhood hangup on having to be perfect when compared to others and he was a jock. It's in our blood. We crave victory.

Then I stank the place up in Pac Woman. The stupid game was a loss of a token.

Oh yes, I also discovered that during the day 95 is QVC, but at night...it's scrambled porn. I had been watching QVC before I turned it off then came back later that night and when I turned it on...well, even though it was b&w and scrambled you could make out what they were doing. it was graphic.

not that i watched.

My sis comes in from germany tomorrow and im so happy. of course, the rest of my fam. comes in fri and im scared. had a nightmare about my grandparents last night. and chris dreamt i left him for randall.

oh well. i wanna read up on journals then maybe i'll think of something interesting to say.

Song, song of the South; Sweet Potato Pie and I shut my mouth!
It's like I've got a radio in my head sometimes, the way these songs will not go away.

I think I know why I like Everclear so much. The lead singer, Art, reminds me a lot of A. They're both tall and lean. Brown hair usually dyed blonde. Even their lives bare resemblences. As I listened to the cd, every song was like him speaking to me. Or just talking. I could see his life and himself behind all the lyrics. I watched VH1's Behind the Music, like, 7 times when they had Everclear. I miss him. Not neccesarily as a b/f, but as a human. He's so awesome. He's like no one else I've ever met. Except Candace and Randall. Randall kinda reminds me of him, but Candace could be the female A. if such doubles existed on earth. All these things remind me of him. He's coaching at a skate camp right now. He'll be there most of the summer. I hope he's having fun.

may 28, 2001
It was too late for saving her; the damage had been done.

Saturday, at approximately 6:23pm I returned home to find her remains scattered across two rooms. I screamed.

"Mom?! How could you take the Christmas tree down?!"
After 152 days of fighting for her life, our tree was finally put down. Please observe a moment of silence for our departed.

If I could own one moment of the day, it would be morning. I love the quietness. And the fact that there are only a handful of people that enjoy it each day. Because of that, I feel like I'm being given something no one else is- like it's mine. I love what the sun can do as it creeps from the sides of buildings. It does things that are impossible for any other time of the day. As I drove to work today, with no early commute traffic, and sang "this'll be the day that I die..." I wouldn't have minded dying today. The morning always makes me feel complete wherever I am. The air is different. The people are different. Nothing has upset us yet and there is still time left to do anything you want.

Chris and I got our pics done yesterday and they came out really well. I can't get them til the 16th, though, but I'll scan them as soon as I do. I love pictures. With everyone graduating this year and getting married, I felt really left out so decided to get my pics taken for no reason other than a little attention. Yes, it was vanity, but so what?

Then I fell in love with Everclear. Their cd's make me happy. =)

may 25, 2001
I was in a convertible for the first time ever yesterday. I also saw what a colon looks like from the inside- this was done with pictures, not first-hand experience.

Anyway, I'm not in a good mood at this particular moment. I did win a cool prize in my first class today, but I'm afraid my nausea, back pain, booby pain, and in general crappiness has over-shadowed my morning's triumph.

I'm thinking of going to my doc to get year-round b.c. so I never ever ever have to go through this again. >=(

I did 3 min. of excercise on Monday and I actually lost weight. This made my morning harder cause I now own nothing that fits. Pretty much it doesn't bother me. I know I'm healthy ('cept for the fact that I get NO calcium) and I eat every three hours. I had a steak for breakfast. I guess my body is just reacting positively to not eating sugar anymore. But being the hypochondriac that I am, I can't get rid of the horrible thoughts in the back of my head that are telling me I have cancer. Two years ago I thought I had no lower intestines. Once I thought I had sleeping sickness. When I was ten I thought I had gotten- never mind. Too embarassing. In high school, after learning about yellow fever, I thought my skin was turning yellow. What a froot-loop, right?

Anyway, I'm gonna try to do something that requires a lot of thought now because I'm left with only 6 advil for the day. I need to ration them out and find something to alleviate the rest of the pain.

Oh and Chris graduates from high school next weekend. He's going to a party this Sunday. At a girl's house. I, of course, intantly turned pissed when I heard, but I'm trying not to kill him. He's moving in two weeks. His mom got them a house. I'm sad even though it's just two towns over.

Ugh. I need another advil.

I decided to help someone out by giving up my friday night to work for them. Aren't I nice? It's not too busy in here and I'm listening to the radio. Not too bad.

I've decided that I'm gonna reward myself next week for being such a good girl (im balancing my checkbook). Getting my nails done, hair- all that girl stuff. Screw being selfish, I've worked hard this quarter and don't really care what my bank account says (mostly that im poor)

Whoever you are, I love you. I'm in such a jolly-good mood. I think my body is messed up and is over-secreting happy-hormone. =) So go be nice to someone. Paint your toenails a funky color (unless you're James and they already are!). And be happy for goodness' sake!

may 24, 2001
Made a quick buck last night. Had to stick a Twizzler in my nose and then eat it, though.

Bible Study was fun. I later gave the dollar to another girl who stuck both Twizzler ends in each nostril, waved to everyone, then ate it. She is truly my hero.

By this time next week our house will be swarming with relatives. Texas, Oklahoma, and Minnesota will be thankful we've taken them in for a spell. Seeing some of them will be nice, but I always get this horridly awkward feeling around my family. I guess it's because I didn't grow up with any of them around. It's an actual, physical feeling of awkwardness and I hate it- I have it right now just thinking about them coming.

Only one week of classes left. I'm ready for it to be over I think. I feel like I've worked so much and I need a break.

I have spent all morning working on this and I feel like I'm about to faint from staring so hard at the screen as I messed with 6 different backgrounds. I've been learning about all sorts of stuff in my culture and appearance class and most of it makes me mad. I can't believe some of the things people to in order to look the way society tells them they should. It's absolutely insane. I hate it- but I know I do it to. I'm trying to understand if there's some kind of middle ground where everything is right. I haven't found it yet.

may 23, 2001
My fave sis comes next week from germany, yeah! My least fave sibling was just sent to Spain, yeah! My second least fave sib. still lives at home with us, boo!

I think Elisa is my fave cause she doesn't live here. I don't know if I liked her this much before she joined the army.

Well, I skipped classes on monday because I didn't have my homework done and I must now hurry up and finish that very same homework. I'm very bad at procrastinating. Well, good at it, but bad about doing it.

Getting excited about maybe moving to Cinci soon. Chris and I are doing better than we ever have and that fight on monday has been the only one in weeks and was probably prompted by my sister giving me all her old halloween candy. Yes, I know it's old but I have this thing about not throwing food away. And eating even when I'm not hungry cause the food is so darn good. I've been over-eating lately because of that. Ate a whole pineappple last night even though I was stuffed for no other reason than there was a pineapple on the counter with no one to eat it.

Chris had to rub my tummy after that. ugh.

Anyway- sorry for the crappy entry but I've really gotta jet and do my homework!!

may 22, 2001
I need to buy soap. I've been using a novelty Looney Tunes Soap-on-a-Rope, but this morning I realized just how uncomfortable I feel about rubbing Taz's face all over my body.


I've already learned something today. I lost my bra and have no idea where it is. They usually turn up in odd places. So I used a bikini top today and it's cold in here and it doesn't exactly work like a bra...if you get what I'm saying here. So don't try it, ladies.

I got over the jealousy and vented a little on paper. I wrote a note which I had not planned on giving to Chris describing just why I felt that way. He ended up reading it anyway. Instead of being such a b*tch all day toward him, we had a great time last night as I forced him to watch Steel Magnolias. He didn't have lunch with that one girl yesterday afterall, anyway. Something about her not being hungry after she was the one that invited him. Sounds a bit fishy to me...

I'm going to the doc today to see the results of my glucose tolerance test i took a week ago. One doc said I was hypoglycemic, but then another thinks I have diabetes. He even mentioned a variation of torrett's syndrome (yes, i know i spelled it wrong). That one was a little out there and I was like, "whatever" It can't be anything too bad because I've been fine ever since I changed my diet. This morning I had puffed millet with rice water. Mmmmm! It honestly tasted like wet cardboard, but I liked it for some reason. I eat a lot of meat, too. Meats, grains, and vegetables is pretty much all I can eat. Every now and then a fruit.

2nd time in my life I've called 911. They're carrying her out right now on the stretcher.

I'm still shaking. All of a sudden everyone in the lab got up to look in the corner and I thought two people were fighting. Someone said, "She's having a seizure!!" and I picked up the phone as quickly as I could. And I swear to you- I couldn't remember the number. After a bit I realized it was as simple as 9-911. I told them I needed help- NOW. I yelled at the students to keep everything out of her way so she wouldn't hurt herself. I remembered in 6th grade when our teacher had a seizure in the middle of math class. I remembered what we were told to do. I felt helpless because I was scared. You can't do anything when you're scared. So I ordered two people out to look for the ambulance to show them the way. Other than that, I cleared a walkway for their equipment and stood around feeling like a useless piece of furniture. I'm still shaking although no one else here remembers what happened just 5 minutes ago. I'm so thankful there was a guy next to her who seemed to know just what to do. He held her down and afterward checked her pulse and breathing. He kept her down and tried to see if she was conscious. I don't know who would have done that if he wasn't there. I kind of see now that I can be horrible in those situations. I'm afraid of people. I wouldn't want to hurt them or do something wrong. I'd be afraid to touch them, to hold them, whatever. I feel like crap now. I'm a pretty bad human being.

im still shaking

may 21, 2001
I used the "religious stall" this morning.

As I did my business, I noticed that the only grafitti on the stall walls at all, was religious. Bible verses and stuff. I think it's funnnie that people are moved to proclaim their faith as they go pee-pee.

note to self:
it was been WAY longer than 6-8 weeks. Coca-Cola has screwed you out of your $1.00 refund. Remember to call them tonight.

I think I've found my great fault. I can be uber-jealous when I'm in a relationship. Chris got a call from a friend last night. A *ahem* female friend. They were going to have lunch today. This is what I call his friends:
and so on. Only one of them is probably really a whore, but when a girl befriends your b/f, I think all girls can take on that title. So while he was on the phone, I collected 852 rounds of ammo. But I still lost because I haven't played a video game in 7 years.

Smells like rain. I love that smell. Reminds me of camping in the woods. I'm thinking of skipping classes today. I have a paper due in an hour and I haven't written it yet. I would also have to skip out on an appt. which I wouldn't need if I don't get my degree from here. Oh well, I'll prolly go to class anyway. Let Chris have his lunch with L-whore. And I'll try not to plan lunch with some guy just to get back at him because there's nothing to get back at. My thoughts can be very clear and sensible, but they can't convince the little girl inside telling me to stay out all night tonight just to spite him. Bad, girl, Bad!

Had I never dated T, I wouldn't even have this problem. Oh well. I feel like getting something pierced.

may 20, 2001
Yes I know. It's been forever. But I've been up to a bunch of stuff. All day friday I was in Cincinnati, OH. I met the fashion power house of Cinci. I saw a bunch of works of the students and most of them were great. I can't imaigine ever being that good- but that's what I'm going to school for. The staff there suggested I trasfer as early as next fall. That night I hung out with a bunch of friends from church. Saturday, I helped my sis get ready for prom with a manicure, shoes, painting her toes, and buying accessories. Then I did her and her friend's makeup. I've also recently taken a liking to "booty shorts" or near-booty anyway. So I pranced around yesterday helping her get ready for her date with my booty on the verge of making an appearance to all her friends and her date. Chris didn't mind. After she left we went to the mall and shopped for his grad. present. Then we went out to eat and crashed at his apartment. We barely talked about my moving to Cinci. I still have two more schools to look at, but I'm already leaning toward U.C. I also had a long convo. with A. About love, dating, getting back, and why I can't break up with Chris- all the usual. It seems like I've got all these big decisions to make, but at the same time, my life is really easy.

Anyway, I've got 100-200 harley riders coming in soon so I've gotta go. Man, I can't believe I have to work on such a GORGEOUS day

let's not avoid the situation.
I keep thinking about Cinci. About Chris. I can't ask him to go with me cause he has his future here. The fire academy is here and the tech school he's thinking about studying fire fighting in. He's barely graduating highschool next month and I can't take him that far away from his friends and family anyway- not to follow me and my dream. I could ask Jenny to move with me and I think she would. I could see Chris on the weekends, but can I go 5 days a week without seeing him? I know I sound all stupid and "oh my god, i have to live without him?! my life is over!". But I had a l/d relationship before and it didn't work. Wasn't MY fault- he was a jerk. Of course, he was cheating on me even before we moved away, but I'm gonna get back to my point here- which I think I've forgotten. I do well in relationships. I can be so much fun. But if I can't have that daily hugging and cuddling and convo.- the person starts to seem distant and almost like they never existed. I doubt that would happen with Chris though. He hasn't said much about it. Except for the typical cliches.
"Well, I can't stop you from going"
"You know I'll always love you" and the like. Last night over dinner he began to actually show me how he felt and we talked about all the possibilities. Of course, maybe I'll end up not going. But I know this is the career path I'm meant to take and God gave me the opportunity of going to Cinci last friday and of meeting so many supportive people. I know I can't give up his plan for mine. I know in the end his plan will be the best for me anyway even if at the moment it seems it sucks. I've been through this so many times, I know never to trust my judgement on a situation. If God wants Chris and I to be together, it'll happen. If not, he will bring something better into my life and I will keep Chris as my best friend.

As far as health, I'm going to the doc tues. may have lost more weight. Started highschool wearing a 7/8, now I'm down to a 0. Of course, that was in the course of 8 years and my mom even lost a lot of weight during that time in her life. Still, it doesn't seem right somehow that I can't even stick my stomach out anymore. I know everyone's like, "Gee, I wish I had that problem!" but it scares you when there's no reason to have lost weight. Oh well, I'm sure they'll have an answer for me on Tues. I'll upload pics tomorrow that I've taken over the weekend. Until then, SIGN MY GUESTBOOK.

may 17, 2001
I feel like a mother who has just potty-trained her baby.

My cat actually used the litter box this morning instead of the bathroom rugs. It may have been because I was in the room, though. I hope he continues to use the box even when I'm not looking. He's about 6 yrs old, so he really has no excuse to use the rug other than I sometimes slack at cleaning the box and it must feel nice to go on a nice, furry floor rather than little, hard, pieces of gravel. So he gets a gold star for the day.

Bible Study was different last night. People are burdened by so many stresses and it was obvious. The way I see it, whenever something really, really good is gonna happen- if it's good in a God way- satan must see that as cause to intervene and try to take that away. So I think that's what happened with everyone just feeling like everything is coming down on them. But I think everyone will be better next week. We each have two people to pray for so throughout the week, everyone has two people praying for them.

close-call of the morning

first day wearing shorts since- beats me, a long time. They little shorts cause I dont like the ones that practically go to your knees and I guess there's nothing popular this season in the middle lengths. So I was going potty (not sitting- toilet seats are nasty playgrounds of defunct cooties) but was concentrating so hard on being just an inch from the seat without falling down or foward, that my shorts dropped! Bathroom floors are notoriously nasty from people that "miss", overflow, or whatever- they're just gross. Right before they hit ground zero, I caught them, though.

11:35am update
I'm trying really hard to study for an exam I have today, but it was a really boring chapter and I fell asleep a lot during those lectures and my handwriting gets really small and my letters run together. Even when I'm on the verge of falling asleep I still try really hard to take notes- which I shouldn't bother to do anymore because I won't even be able to use those notes later.

I'm not looking foward to it- makeups are always harder and instead of being all multiple choice like the original, this one is ALL essay. Great. No more using elimination to find the answer.

may 16, 2001
I get to retake the exam I missed because I forgot about it. I thought for sure she'd tell me I would just have to take a zero.

Although Logan and Max did not get it on last night, they were so close that I wasn't too pissed. It was a funnie episode, too.
Max and Logan are on the floor making out when Zack appears.
Zack: We'd better go- that is, unless something bigger has come up...
(Max looks at Logan's pee-pee)

And that made my evening.

I was thinking about all my friends yesterday. Almost every single one is engaged, married, having kids, or graduating. They're all being so grown up. Let's now look at my life. I live with mommy and daddy. I'm dating a high school senior. I have years of school still ahead (even though I've been here 4 years), and all that grown up stuff is YEARS into the future for me. Makes me feel left behind a little, but I guess I should be having fun while I'm still w/o any huge responsibilities.

Oh well. I guess I'm supposed to be doing better than the rest of my family and if I dissapoint my parents I'll be killed. I'm setting a record on one side. Going the longest without being knocked up!! Whoo-hoo!! Maybe I'll get an award at our next reunion....well, if they actually invite us. If you're not married or lugging kids around, I doubt they appoint you with much worth. My college degrees will look like nothing compared to all their children. Cause that's just the way pre-historic, patriarchal families are and I hate that this is the stereotype always given to Mexicans. I'm glad I don't live in the South anymore. I'd prolly have 5 children by now.

disgusting fact of the day-
my nose bled earlier into my throat and now my mouth tastes like a dirty washcloth used to clean the counters and then left in the sink for a week. Come 'ere, baby, gimmie a kiss!!

may 15, 2001
Had a dream that Chris was going to propose. This morning, I could only remember it as a faint memory and it took some time to realize that it had been a dream. I also dreamed that my sister and I were on the verge of killing each other. I wish she was moving out, but she'll end up going to school nearby, so I have another year or so to deal with her.

Got home late last night. Left my car at ghetto kroger half expecting the tires to be slashed when I got back. They were fine. Hoodlums must have taken pity on my '82 Olds.

I'm starting to feel like a mess. I have so many projects started and I'm nowhere near finishing. Even my house is trashed. When you work 7days/week you never get a chance to catch up and the past three weeks are piling up around me. As soon as I get home I go straight to bed and then it's up at 5:30 to start again. I'm home for about 6 hours, but that's needed for sleeping. I'm trying not to stress.

I wish I had scholarships. Then I wouldn't have to work. I hate people whose parents pay for their school. They get to party and drink and spend their money on crap. All my paychecks go to bills and cash is some kind of theory. I've never actually seen it, but somehow, these papers are represented through checks and make certain numbers go down a little more each month. I'd like to see money some day.

Oh well, tonight I will try to get rid of the horrid stale stench of old sandwiches, piled shoes, and dirty laundry in my room. Then I get to see Dark Angel and she had better get it on with the cutie or I will be very upset.

may 14, 2001
Right now I'm thinking of how I'm going to beg a Christian medical facitlity into fibbing on an excuse note. I have to convince my teacher that I was in a huge medical delimna-which I was- in order to schedule a re-take on the exam I missed. It can't look like a regularly scheduled appt. or else I get a "0". Think, think, think...

I haven't gotten a hold of the lady I'm going to Cinci with, but I'm determined to track her down and confirm our plans on Fri. This is probably going to be a big thing and I don't want to miss out on it. It could play a big role in my future career and unless I want to be stuck in data entry for the rest of my life, I need to do everything I can to take these opportunites. Even if it means killing. No, I think I'd draw the line there.

may 13, 2001
i told my job i didn't have to work today, but they insisted there was a shift that needed to be covered. of course i ended up being right and now im stuck here at work instead of being at home with a million things to be done. What really sucked is I had to leave the sleepover kinda early in order to get here in time and I missed church. the server is still down, so there's not much for us to do today.

the guy i work with is quitting in two weeks and i wish i could, but i feel bad because they're already looking to fill two positions here and they're about to get a third. Summer is always the busiest season for a motorcycle business.

A. called last night and I got mad at him. I hate that people can think there's this one thing they need for their life to be perfect. and i really hate being that one thing. if i was to be with him, it would only be because i'd fear he'd kill himself. you can't start a relationship like that! i told him to talk to a Dr like his mom wants him to and he won't. he hardly eats, he never goes out, never sleeps, and he doesn't think anything matters. just because we broke up almost two years ago. even his faith in God is suffering now. He's so cute and smart and used to be such an awesome person- but he doesn't believe me. i can't be with him because im with Chris and i would go to A. for the wrong reason. It wouldn't be because I love being with him anymore. It would be because I'm afraid he'll kill himself. We wouldn't be equals and I'd be afraid of not meeting his expectations of what he's built me up to be. I can try to comfort him, but I rarely know what to say when he brings up his bio. father. I've never experienced that kind of loss.

other than that, i've been alright. i feel like i hardly see chris anymore, though. I've been meeting so many new people this month and hanging out with them- a big change from just watching tv with chris every night. also found out we need to move, AGAIN. We have up to two years, but may have as little as a few months. We're just waiting for the official gov't say. We have no idea where we're going yet. I only know it can't be TX. This kinda makes me wish I had never painted the bathroom dark purple; i may have to paint it white again in a few months to sell the house.

The sleepover was fun last night. Other than brief occurances of flatulence, everyone had a great time. It's awesome to actually know people my own age again, even if I may have to leave them soon.

may 12, 2001
Spent tons of money yesterday. Bought a ticket to see my friend this summer who's getting married and having a baby. That was only $100, though. Bought Chris some AE pants that were $49, but I only paid $19. Then I bought some shorts for me. I had to buy a 0, though, and they were still big in the waist. I was hoping I hadn't lost more weight but later Chris picked me up and was lifting me over his head and said I was much lighter. I have a Dr's appt. in another week and I'm gonna ask why I'm losing weight when I've been eating more than ever. Maybe it's a tapeworm. If I ever found out some 5 ft. worm was living in my body, I swear I'd start clawing at my stomach to get it out. It's the most disgusting thing I can think of. Yuck.

I got two toe rings, too and I can't stop staring at my feet now; they're so cute. Oh, and a belly chain. And lip-shaped mints from Victoria's Secret, but those Candace bought for me. Anyway, looks like I'm going to Cincinnati next week to see that fashion critique; I'm really excited. Mostly cause I know 100% that God wants me to go. I'm wondering what it'll be like and what will happen. I've also found someone that wants to learn to sew today and another girl last wed. I think God is giving me these opportunities for some reason but don't quite know what for yet. I'm gonna try to figure it out, though.

I've been really happy lately and I guess it's because I finally know what I'm gonna do in life and I have so many friends around me. I feel like I have these roles in the world and that's my purpose. When you're not living aimlessly, everything is given meaning and importance and you know the world would miss you if you just dropped off the face of the earth one day.

may 11, 2001
They actually went to Indiana yesterday just because I told them to.. Now that I have discovered these powers of persuasion which I posess, I must learn to use them only for the forces of good.

My brother is in court today and then the Navy is flying him to his ship. From there, who knows what will happen. I can't believe all the things he's done. Nothing of what I know of him now at all resembles the boy I grew up with. Or perhaps it does. If I think hard enough- and allow myself to, I know why he's like this, but I'm not going to think about it right now. Not when I've been having such a great day.

I've often said if I could have only one wish, it would be for selective amnesia. Wouldn't it be wonderful! But then I think more about it and it isn't the memories than trouble me but what I've learned from them. I'm afraid a simple forgetting wouldn't erase what is stored as instinct in my subconscious and this bothers me because now I will have to take the hard way out.

Lemme end this better. Today I'm meeting some girls at the mall and we're buying belly chains. The anticipation is cheering me up. So you be happy, too.

may 10, 2001
Had I closed my windows last night, I wouldn't feel so sick today, of course, I wouldn't have heard the doorbell at 5:23am this morning.

I called out, "Hello?", wondering who could possibly be at my door this early. A man called up to me and I quickly jumped from bed to meet him downstairs. 5 hours earlier, 12:30am, the last four people from bible study left my house. They had decided to try and drive to Indiana before breakfast and Jenny's dad had no idea where she was. So I gave him a few numbers and tried to page Emily (driving) for him but our line has been dead since yesterday. As long as I was up I exfoliated with a mud mask.

We had 17 people last night with 2 first time guests. They were two awesome guys and they ended up staying til 12:30am. It was so much fun we all made plans to hang out on Friday and Saturday, and maybe a little on Sunday. I never thought church people were so much fun, but they are and I suppose now I'm considered one, too. I never figured them for late night, spur of the moment road trips, horror movies- just anything. We're all just human though, no different from anyone else.

Anyway, by 6:20am Jenny called her dad about 40 min away and said she was coming home. I had prayed she'd be alright and if something had happened to those four I would have felt very responsible for encouraging them to go.

We also found out more about my bro last night. More bad news. Honestly, if you knew the whole story, the first words that would come to your mind would be "Jerry Springer". His life is such a mess right now and just seems to get worse. My poor parents just don't know what to do anymore and my bro's actions have brought very serious consequences for them...

here are some pics from yesterday and last night.

may 9, 2001
came in to school late today with bandaids on my arms and hands. After giving up on my arms, needles were jabbed into my hands to draw blood. Yes, it is painful. i also got to pee in a cup three times- after each vial of blood. I didn't have to go and I think she was dissapointed by my little samples.

Had a three-way afterward, though, so that made up for the 11 1/2 hours of fasting. I have pics to upload but im so tired. i'll have to get to it tomorrow. I saw a baby chihuhua today and now i want one very badly.

and that's about it for my crappy entry today. =)

may 8, 2001
someone hired a private investigator and they found my bro. he is in trouble. big trouble. and debt. and being the nicest bro/son in the world that he is, we've been issued his debt. fun, huh?

So far this morning I've had two prayers answered already. Even though they seem like small things, the point is that I wasn't getting this, and right after I prayed, I got both things I had asked for. I don't think I can ever remember a prayer that wasn't answered. I was thinking about that just now and about that one time in bible study when we found out our spiritual gifts and mine was miracles. Now I'm trying to imagine what cool things I'll do with this later in life. I've even had dreams, before knowing, about stuff like that. And I'm almost positive the world will end while I'm still alive- so this will offer up many opportunites to be this really cool person that's like leading people around and praying for angels to come down and fight demons and- ok, maybe not exactly like that.

im still excited, though. i feel like i have this neat priveledged relationship with God no one else has and I know I sound like a church freak, but so what?

Tonight, after midnight, I begin fasting for the Doc tomorrow. In a way, you want the test to be negative because no one wants to be sick, but you want it to be positive so you know what's wrong with you, you know? I would finally have a reason for so many things that have happened, but it would change the way I live the rest of my life. At least I get to sleep in.

First thing I'm gonna do when I get home is make a chocolate ice cream cone. Mmmmmm, ice cream...

may 7, 2001
my weekend job has terminated our net access, so no more secret updates. =(
Cinco de Mayo was pretty cool. I worked 9am-5pm all alone so I got ONE break the entire day and it was to the potty. Afterward I went to church then hung out with a couple of girls. Got home at 3am. I feel like I have a life again! (there are people here emptying our recycle bin, i guess my complaining and dramatically saving the tub that one day worked!!) We were gonna do a movie or something, but I ended up showing them how to make purses instead. They came out really great.

I'm reading Memoirs of a Geisha which is really good so far. I like books that read like fiction but are true.

I also found out yesterday that my roommate from freshman year is getting married and having a baby!! I was so shocked I hardly knew what to say. I'm very, very happy, but it's weird how people's lives go on without me. Not in a selfish way, but...I just can't imagine it. Like when I went to germany it was a shock to have proof of people living and existing without my knowledge and it humbles you but at the same time empowers you because God took the time to make you- an individual amongst so many others.

I was also invited to a fashion critique with New York Designers which I'm really, really, really hoping I can attend.

I added some new pics, too.

I had a great morning today. At 6:30am I was on my way in to school and I thought- this is perfect. Im such a sap, I almost cried. I continued to have a good day until earlier, but was picked up again by a bunch of old friends e-mailing me with updates and an e-card from a girl I hung out with this weekend. I hope my day stays good.

may 4, 2001
Things to hate:
all the people with better sites than mine
the MANY girls that aren't washing their hands after going potty.
my lack of money
constant bloody noses.

My sister from germany is coming at the end of the month, whoo-hooo!!!!! Now I'm all nervous cause I'm nowhere as cool as her. She'll want to go drinking and clubbing and to be honest...ive never actually been to a club here. shhhhh! and im not so sure i wanna be buying her alkiehall cause she's only 19. oh, but she'll be 20 this month. Still....

I might go back to Germany with her. I'm not sure yet. It's all about the money.

So I went to the doc yesterday and I'm gonna be tested for diabetes and hypoglycemia next week. I've lost like 10lbs in the past month or so and grew no inches. It was funnie when he asked me if I peed a lot. I think I laughed.

As for the federal warrant for my bro's arrest...they've thought of a way to catch him. heh-heh. we got some weird message on the answering machine over the weekend of someone who knew someone that could help us. so my 'rents and this dude are getting together with the police to catch him.

Man I'm starved. I wish I had a three-way to eat instead of being here at stupid work.

may 3, 2001
Since I don't actually have a medical degree, I'm going to the doc today for a pre-appt. appointment. We're gonna discuss stuff and then order a glucose tolerance test. Whoo-hoo! I've been self-diagnosing myself of things for years. And besides the malaria, sleeping sickness, colon cancer, and chicken pox (3 times) I've been wrong about, I'm usually pretty good at guessing my ailments. But I thought I'd let the medical community confirm it this time.

Also, there's this really cute guy that I keep running into. Last thurs I saw him and I've seen him everyday so far this week...is God telling me something about this hottie? He's Irish. I heard him say it to some drunk man bumming a cigarette. He smokes though, blech. But he's got the cutest curly, brown hair. Just like I wish Chris had; but he always keeps his locks short. It feels like I haven't seen Chris in forever and the more attention other guys give me, he's in my life less and less. I'm sure that'll change when I see him finally tonight, though.

Bible study was great last night. First people arrived at 6:45pm and most people left around 10pm. It was about evolution and we discussed all sorts of stuff and got to ask all our questions. I admit, that has always been something I was doubtful of- not of God, but of how it all fit in. So now I'm pretty confident about all that stuff.

Oh, and I finally bought my jeweled curved barbell in pink I'd wanted. The guy who put it in was really cute, but all the guys that work there are. I love guys with piercings but I've never actually dated one. Anyway, it looks awesome but I'm totally afraid I'm gonna snag on something. I've snagged before and it's not only painful but hard to undo cause you can't see your belly button to unhook whatever it was that caught (in my case, an afghan)

So I'm sticking to my no-sugar diet (you wouldn't believe all the things that have sugar) and trying to eat every 3 hours. Kinda sucked at first, but I feel so awesome now, that I'm finding it easier to deal with as time goes on. And that's about it. See ya!

parte dos

added two rants today. That's about it. I've got an hour til I get off and go to the doc. Til then, I'm just hoping my top doesn't fall off.

may 2, 2001
Not that I'm a nark, but how would you like your car rolled into the street at the police? Or have it set on fire and rocked? And not too many people like spraying puke off their porch. The university is offering cash rewards to any student who can help identify people from the riots. Wish I knew some of them, but alas I was at work or asleep when the pary got maced and approached by police in riot gear. I'll bet there's another one this weekend though.

I love the way I procrastinate. It's an art for me. So I've gotta go write my paper now. Due in less than an hour. Whoo-hoo!

Oh yes, and looks like I'm going to Spain, but I may have to put off graduation another quarter. Blech.

may 1, 2001
monkygrl.com or melucha.com? I just can't decide!! Almost bought one today, but then the comp went crazy.

How do you feel today?
Well, I feel great, why? Do I not look great?

Yesterday was alright. My sis was in trouble but my parents and I had a nice dinner with china and all in The Forbidden Room (otherwise known as Dining Room). I was in a bikini top and my new 80's punk muscle shirt I made from an old Abercrombie shirt my sis was tossing. I somehow moved the subject to bathroom stories but after my "floater" tale, my parents quickly ended story time cause they were losing their appetites. They've been a lot nicer lately and I suppose this can be attributed to my bro being the worst case scenario child. Unless your kid is, like, Jeffery Dohmer.

Been reading more on hypoglycemia and im thinking of getting a glucose tolerance test soon. do you see how forced my writing is today? I've just been too tired to experience anything lately. Not even anger. Like when I saw a girl at the grocery store who had a fake tan and her legs were dark brown. Like the crayon you use to color tree bark. If she got that from a tanning bed and I had the engery, I'd go find her and beat her. I take her to a hospital and show her the people suffering from cancer. I'd show her moles and melanomas that had been cut off and let her experience a sample skin graff. What's the big obsession with skin color?! Like, you have to be white, but within the light skinned domain, you have to be dark. A dark light-skinned person. That's society's ideal. We sell skin bleaches and taning beds. Now I'm just all upset. I'm very happy with my skin and don't plan on changing it. I can't anyway. I always burn.