Febuary 28, 2001
I want to get my nails done in a pretty french manicure. I'm gonna do it a day before I get my hair done. That way, I can be really pretty for about a week. Then my nails will prolly fall off and I will forget how to fix my hair like the stylist did.
A. called again last night, making sure I knew he loved me and wanted to get married. The town he's in sounds beautiful. The civil war era buildings just blocks away from the beach, He was walking around in a t-shirt. I was jealous. I thought Chris would be mad that we were talking. He usually is, but he said he didn't really care. That as long as he was in SC and I wanted to be with him (Chris), that it was ok. I remember A. saying he'd never get over me, so I asked Chris if he would get over me if we broke up. He said, "yeah, prolly in a few months", or some ridiculously short period like that. So I got a little mad. He could have tried being romantic and saying never, that he would miss me forever. So I then saw how disillusioned I can be thinking that w/o me he couldn't go on. And I guess I accidently hit him in a place that hurts quite a bit for a males. I don't want to think he could get over me. That I could be replaced cause I'm just another g/f. Darn him.
And I also watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the first time last night on WB. It made me cry. It was a virtually demon/vampire-less episode. In the last 2 minutes, Buffy quickly kills off a zombie-thing but that was it. I've been watching WB a lot lately since I got my own TV. Maybe cause now I'm not downstairs where everyone can see me and no one will tease me about watching Popular, Dawson's Creek, Pop Stars (is it just me, or is every girl they picked hispanic?), Charmed, and Buffy. Wow, what a loser I must be. No 21 yr old should watch these things.
Febuary 27, 2001
I have this horrible twisted feeling in my stomach. Deep inside. Last night, for an hour and a half, A. told me why he needed to marry me. Over and over. Threatening to rob, steal, commit suicide...all because I wasn't in his life. I told him he may have built me up in his mind to be someone I'm not. I'm a very demanding person. The longer I'm with someone, the more they see all my faults; and there are many. I don't want someone to tell me they would be here in a second. That they could not spend their life with anyone else. Eventually I promised him I would "think about it." It was 1am and I had to go to bed. Plus, it was long distance. He is such a wonderful person- but he has his priorities all wrong. He says he needs me to be happy; he needs me to be close with God; he needs me to live. And I know I will dissapoint these expectations. This is so horrible.
I don't want anything to happen to him. He is such a wonderful human being. He's strong willed, beautiful, and has endured so much already in his life. I only want him to be happy but I don't see how I would do that. I have varicose veins on my thighs, cellulite, funky feet with weird short toes, hair with 4 inches of roots, bad skin, crooked teeth, an overbite, bad PMS,
a big butt, and I can be selfish. He asked me for a reason to not bail out like his dad. God didn't make him so he could waste his life. I told him it wasn't his life to take, but God's and that he was being selfish. I tried everything. In the end, my only reason was "if you do kill yourself, you're gonna make me feel responsible for the rest of my life. I'll never stop thinking that I said something wrong or that I didn't try hard enough."
And I said I'd think about it. Finally I was able to lay my head down and cover my whole body with the warm blankets. I couldn't sleep, though. My stomach was twisting itself. There was this weird lump halfway between my throat and my stomach and I felt so nauseous.
I don't know what to do. I love Chris. I can't hurt him. I don't want A. to kill himself either.
I feel so tired and out of energy. How can I concentrate on school or my health when I have a pending suicide hanging over my head? I have to being studying for finals. I have to write a paper. I have to think about schools. I can't do all this right now.
God, please, please, please just make A. happy. Let him be dependant only on you. Please.
There's so much out there a million times better than me. And he totally deserves that. He so cute anyone would want him. But I have Chris. I've been with him for over a year and a half and I can't just give him up like that.
What am I supposed to do?
Febuary 26, 2001
Procrastinated the entire weekend. Now, I am completey unprepared for my exam today. My room is clean, though. And I finally got my tv stand assembled after having it sit in pieces for the last three weeks. I got all my bills paid. Got caught up on all my sitcoms. And had one of those revelations at the Dr's on Friday.
She said that my hypoglycemia allows my subconcious to become dominant over my concious and I dissociate. Like, I have this memory that I can't remember, but my subconcious remembers it and this is what has been running my life and the way I do things. And when I lose conciousness my sub-c. takes advantage of that and emerges and all it ever does is react to that one event. So during those few minutes I'm reduced to a 7 yr old girl who's crying and screaming like she couldn't when it first happened. Sounds weird, but I think it makes total sense. Plus, I trust her to make an accurate "diagnosis" because she's
1 a doctor
2 really nice
3 a christian
She said we'd just need a couple more meetings and then I'd be "fixed". She might use hypnosis which I kind of think sounds fun. We're gonna release all the hatred and fear and stufff so my sub-c. can finally be at peace. Sounds like a story where the ghost of a little girl is haunting and is all distraught over her cruel murder and my Doc is like a psychic who wants to finally let the ghost be at rest by revenging her death or something.
Other than that, I really didn't do too much this weekend. The server at work was down so I didn't have to do anything too hard. I met this really cool girl yesterday cause her mom introduced us at church. She knew I had the college bible study at my house so I figured she was trying to get her daughter to come. I gave her directions and all and I hope she comes. She's got cool piercings and all and it seems like we'd get along really well. Plus, they're trying to get the group big enough that we can branch off and I would lead one and Josh would lead the one in Canal. All my friends live in Canal, though, so I'm hoping we don't get too big that quickly.
Brother is still AWOL. If he's not back in one week and one day, he'll have a permanant criminal record. He's just screwing himself over.
So that's it.
My butt is getting bigger again. Last time it was my underwear not covering my whole butt; this time it's the elastic sides really digging into my hips. They're really sore. =(
Those stupid little straps. Now I have to excercise again. At least this time I know why. I've been eating a whole lot. Last night I had cereal and eggs for dinner and then two eggrolls for breakfast today. Whoo-hoo, cereal rocks! Oh course, I have to use a rice beverage instead of milk. It's almost exactly the same except for the color. It has this weird see-through gray quality to it.
Febuary 23, 2001
The Beautiful Room is unlike any book I've chosen to read before. It's dripping in poetic descriptivness. Sometimes it seems forced- like the author was struggling to describe some innate detail as accurately as he could. It's good though, and a nice change. The books are very autobiographical yet still considered fiction. I want to write a book like that one day. I want to get my whole life down into a book for everyone to read while still calling it fiction. I think I was attracted by the author's ability to do this. He writes about his parents. Their divorce, his siblings, the people in his life, and his "coming of age" as a gay man in a time when homosexuality was as scorned as communism. I like that. That he is the main character in these books must be some form of therapy for him.
Advil is expensive, went to buy some and the largest I could find was 250, and that was 12 bucks!! I got a 25 count that was buy one get one free instead. I need to stop by Sam's Club before nect month. It's been a great day so far. Not too bad at all. I worked on my friends page and added some pics there. I also did a little more thinking about what domain name I want. It's pretty much down to:
I ruled out backyardcelebrity.com cause that's just too much to type.
I'm so excited about finally getting my own domain.
Nothing really happened yesterday. Chris got to go with me to the store to buy tampons, pads, and advil (Oh, My!!) and he did very well. I thought he'd be all embaressed cause his friends were there but he looked at me like I was being immature when I mentioned that. Then I made him take a survey in Cosmo and I was suprised by some of his answers. They were things like, What kind of underwear would you rather see on your woman? And, What is your Kiniest fantasy? He left some blank though. I think it's cause he knew all the available choices would have made me mad.
He also told me about his "dream" last night. I think it's so weird that I was just thinking about it yesterday- wondering what God wanted him to do. He mentioned what Josh had said about our Spiritual Talents and he said he was really interested in exploring that misinistry. He wants to open his own Custom Designed Trucks place. You know, like Titus. He said lately that's what's really been on his mind and he's really looking into it. He wants to take auto-mechanic classes this summer and work from there I guess. I think that's awesome and now that I think about it, I should really support him in that. Especially because he thinks it might be where God wants him to use his gifts. He was actually a little scared cause this has been on his mind for a while and he hasn't done anything about it and when you don't use the gifts God gives you, they will be taken away. He was afraid it was too late, but I think he's right on time. We learned about the Parable of the Talents last Wed for a reason and I believe it was to encourage Chris to step out and pursue this dream.
So that's cool. Chris and I now know what we should be doing. The only thing we have to work on is taking the risks involved. To trust God enough to take those chances.
Febuary 22, 2001
My cat got to be in prayer last night. As the group was opening in prayer, my cat began wheezing pretty loudly. Almost like he was gonna cough up a hair ball. I threw my pillow at him to make him run away, but he just kept doing it. So Josh thanked God for cats that make funnie noises and we all laughed. Then he thanked God for being a funnie God and not getting mad at us for laughing during prayer. We had about 9 people and there was a new girl. So that was pretty cool. Afterward we had pizza. We're gonna start learning about spiritual gifts next week which will be awesome. I wanna see what Chris's is. I know he's like the man that rocks my world, but I wanna see what gift God gave him, cause I really can't think of any. He's ok at fixing cars, but he's just kinda learning. He's strong. Maybe that's it. His nice, muscular teenage body. *try not to laugh*
And I guess the diet thing is working. I've been feeling ok. I didn't even go off on the waiter yesterday when I found a hair on my potatos. I was like, "could you just make sure the guy back there has his hair back?" I knew it wasn't mine cause is was crinkly and black. About 4 inches long. (too long to be pubic, thank God!) My hair would have been long and either blonde or med. brown with a few inches of dark brown at the end. Eventually I think I forgot and ate the potatos it was sitting on anyway.
So now I can feel my back hurting and running along the sides to my lower abdomen. My chest feels tight and it's getting harder to breathe. Once I fall to the ground in fetal position I will know that I'm definately starting today. I wish I had my bottle of advil. My 500ct bottle is down to 7. That would only last through 1 1/2 doses. I think I'm gonna ask my doc to give me pills that i take every day so i never get my period again. i've read about women who haven't had a period in 7 years or more cause they just take the pill continuously.
Looking at available domain names right now and found a few really cool ones I want. I want a day or two to think about it though. I don't wanna buy porkrinds.com on impulse cause it's funnie, then hate myself for the next 12 months. I'm gonna give this a little thought. I'm pretty excited that PinkFuzzyDice.com is still open. Man, that one would be perfect. My name is taken, but that's prolly for the best. I found out i didn't like being that easy to find by exes.
There's no way I'm gonna make the rest of the day with one advil left.
I'm gonna have to write this down so I remember to tease Jenny about it.
TV- Discovery Channel: And as the male of the species begins intercourse-
Me: Mom! Jenny's watching Bug Porn again!
Mom (pretending to be mad): Jenny, how many times do I have to tell you not to watch Bug Porn?!
Jenny: I am not addicted to Bug Porn! I just thought the bugs were pretty. I swear I didn't know what they were doin!
Everyone else: Sure. Jenny.
When will I learn that a web page is not an excuse for a life? I am such a journal addict. I found this site where all the members are these superwoman web masters. Their pages are perfect. Makes me want to work on mine more. But I suck so I replace quality with quantity.
Instead of studying Spanish(cause I skipped, but with good reason! I only had 5 min to walk to class and I really had to "go"; you know, like, "GO")
I am reading a couple of books I picked up from the library.
The Beautiful Room Is Empty
A Boy's Own Story
Was a while before I realized they were by the same guy. I was actually looking for a book of poems by/about gay men. I remember flipping through a collection once and finding the most wonderful poem. I wanted to find it and re-read it, but there are a million gay men books and I was rushed by the need to go potty. So I quickly grabbed two books that souned interesting and staked out the potty cause I don't like going when there are a bunch of people. And I would like to clear something up. I know it seems like I'm always getting books on my way to the potty in the library, but I just want you to know that I do not do this so I have Reading Material as I "go". NO. I leave the books by my bag. It disgusts me to think these books might have been in the same stall as someone else who was "going" (you know, like number two). And because I can tell I'm rambling and making no sense, I will leave. And if I believe in quality over quantity, I will now leave before I write parte cinco.
Febuary 21, 2001
If you found this page, just remeber, this is like a diary, you know, don't run out and call the cops or anything for anything I might say. ok? It's just rambling thoughts and stuff. ok?
Ok. Gonna move the welcome page and this page and I think I'll be fine leaving everything else. He'll just think I moved completely. I don't even wanna talk about him. It's been 2 years and I wish he would just disappear from my life. He always finds a way to make me look crazy.
So, the Navy has advised my bro to get an attorney. It's been over 2 weeks since he's been AWOL. The last time he was gone it was 3 days and he got 2 weeks in the brig. He's also 6 months behind on a car payment. He is really gonna be in trouble when he gets back. Seems like he should stay away from the Navy, but any longer and he gets a criminal record and the police will be told to arrest him on the spot for any violation. So even if he's speeding by 5 miles, the police will see the Navy's order of arrest on his record.
Anthony was in town last night. We talked for a while on the phone. He said he would wait the rest of his life for me. Makes me feel bad cause I know I don't want to break up with Chris. It also freaks me out. Every other month or so, both theron and anthony will talk to me. It scares me that after years of being apart these people will not get on with their lives. The only way I got theron to back off yesterday was by threatening to contact officials at BC for harassment and copyright infringment experts. It keeps getting harder and harder. I'm mostly afraid of being killed by someone he's hired. I think my story would make a perfect Unsolved Mysteries episode and that's what freaks me out. That I can too easily imagine my parents being interviewed and them talking about my crazy exes. I'm also afraid of Anthony's mom. What if she decides to have me killed for treating her son the way I do? Mothers do that. They kill kids that pick on theirs or that win coveted sports titles over theirs. I've seen lots of talk shows.
I prayed God would handle all of yesterday's events and theron's apology today was proof of that.
I've been a little on edge the past two days. Keeping on this diet is hard. And it's making me gain weight. In my fridge we only have assorted dairy and alcohol. Both of which I can't have (half the dairy is expired anyway). I think I saw some lettuce, too. Today all I could bring in to eat was crackers, some grapes, and some old baking walnuts. And those old animal crackers I've had in my bag for about a month. This diet will make me go broke, I think. I hate asking my parents to buy me food. I'm trying hard though. I know it will help me. And I'll finally get rid of what I thought was a year-round allergy.
So I guess that's it. I'm tired. And I've got homework to do.
the pill has ruptured. repeat: the pill has ruptured.
I hate these things! One got caught in my esophagus and dissolved or ruptured so now I'm burping amino acids again. Dagnabit.
Oh yes, I also found it very awkward when I gave my mommy my address and said my name wrong. My own name. I'm really quite tired of being called this and the more I think about it, how weird is it to think your husband won't call you by your real name? I really like my real name better than what people call me, so from now on, I'm only introducing myself by my real name. And for those who can't pronounce it, Meli (like kelly, but with an M). I tried this in VA and it worked, but as I moved here, it was trouble to correct everyone. Especially at a university where noone cares about you- just your money. I even let people get away with calling me Melinda, sometimes.
Febuary 20, 2001
So go away. I don't like you, theron. take my code down. And LEAVE ME ALONE.
I left my lunch in the car. Darn it. I might try a rescue mission, but it would mean missing Spanish, again. Or, I can try surviving on old animal crackers, half a ginger snap, a large vegetable cracker from and ARMY MRE, abd a crunched granola bar, also from an MRE (Meal Ready to Eat). Hmmmm, nah. I think I'd rather have my real lunch. Now, I have to make sure I have enough time...
I was pretty pissy yesterday, but I had lost my pills and didn't have enough for dinner. Plus, I was driving Chris around for over an hour going to different car part stores. His clutch thingy-ma-bobber is kaputz. I was also pissed because the guy at the car part store tried to rip him off and LIED to him. I knew for a fact that the part was supposed to be in today and they saod Chris was a liar and didn't want to refund his money. I got mad and was about to jump in the store when I heard but he wouldn't let me. I didn't go inside, but I remained pissed until we got to his apartment. I saw what the stupid comp said on Sunday when we ordered it. And I know what "Matt" said, too. Man, I would so have set that man staight...
"A person with hypoglycemia may feel weak, drowsy, confused, hungry,
and dizzy. Paleness, headache, irritability, trembling, sweating, rapid
heart beat, and a cold, clammy feeling are also signs of low blood
sugar. In severe cases, a person can lose consciousness and even lapse
into a coma."
So, I guess I have nothing else to talk about. Bro is still AWOL, but told us he'd return today. Bastian has been banned from the house for peeing in my mom's room, and I'm just sitting back waiting for my period to start. La-deee-da-dee-da...
Febuary 19, 2001
I don't believe in stupid superstitious stuff, but...The number 666 has appeared twice and it's not even 8 am....
Most ordinary people do not have school or work today because it's president's day. they are all at home sleeping- honoring those dead people half of them can not even name. I had to come in.
I had to park on campus today because I forgot the lot I usually use is gov't and unattended today. I didn't bring my mom's pass and could not get in. I suppose I could have waited for someone, but there can't be that many people willing to come in on a holiday. As I begin to back out I hear a beeping and realize that my phone turned on inside my coat. I pull it out to make sure it's not in use, and it says, "666" on the display screen. OK.
So, I decide to park at Kroger. Once there, I feel bad. So I go inside to buy something to feel better about parking illegally. I buy a magazine and some hair stuff. My total is "6.66". I tell the cashier I'm scared.
I take it as a sign and park on campus, instead. It's gonna cost a freaking 6.50 and I'm broke. So I don't know what I'm gonna do once I have to go home today.
Plus, I'm ugly today. No getting around it. My hair is frizzy and I have no makeup and my outfit is ridiculous. I got dressed out of the dryer in the utility room and I look horrible. But, there's some comfort in dressing like a nerd. I don't have any pressures. I know what people will think when they look at me. They'll feel sorry for me and I won't really care. Plus, I'm gaining weight. I've been eating a ton. My belly is sticking out. Usually bellies hang down, but mine is usually really flat, so when it gets bigger, the big part sticks straight out. Like pregnant ladies. I look like a dork. And all I need is to start my period today. And my pants keep slipping down so my butt hangs out.
My karma is so off today.
Well, my bro is still AWOL. When the Navy catches up with him, he'll be in such big trouble. Hee-hee. If I was a naval officer, I might look in fredericksburg to find him... *hint, hint*
And there has been another death, this time on my mom's side. Her cousin. They were the second or third car at a red light. When they got the green, all the cars began to move foward and someone from the other side ran the red light. They hit the passenger side and killed her instantly. Her husband is in the hospital as is their baby, but the baby isn't expected to live. Everyone was so upset. It's not like they pulled out quickly, they weren't even the first car! I think that man should die. When I heard about it, I kept imagining it being like that scene in Erin Brokovich.
I don't think I'm gonna be a vegan afterall. I had a hot dog and deer chili yesterday. The hot dog was wonderful. I'd been craving relish, saurkraut, and mustard on a hotdog for SO long now. I finally got to appease that. As for the deer, I thought it was beef. Turned out to be some deer from Minnesota who didn't run fast enough. My uncle had extra deer and gave it to my dad.
Did lots of quilting. Need to buy a few things to finish one off. And my grandmother's is finally reaching its final stages. I've been working on it for many months now. I kept getting sidetracked from it. Like yesterday- JoAnn was having a great sale and I bought the sweetest fabrics! They look like rejected patterns from the 60's. I felt sorry for those ugly fabrics in the bargain bin and so bought them. I'm gonna make a quilt that looks like an antique from the 60's. Like some girl who swooned over the Beatles once used it on her bed. It will remind me of a time I often romanticize. When everything seemed perfect and things were either black or white.
And not much is else going on. I might try to put some makeup on soon. And get an altoid. I had fruit salad and pasta salad for breakfast. I can still taste that tangy mayonaise or whatever they use.
Sheesh. 9:13am and I'm starving! I just ate two hours ago. I'm still burping fruit. Hmm, speaking of burping... On sat I had taken my amino acid pills and one got caught in my throat I was all pissed off, but decided I could eventually swallow it down so I went upstairs and just kept swallowing air trying to move it down. Then, I had to burp. I was in the bathroom, so I got a good look in the mirror of this next part. As I burped, this large, dense, white cloud came out of my nostrils!! Then, everything stung!! My eyes, my ears, my nose, my throat! Dear Lord, there are acids eating at my membranes! I swear, I thought it would mess up my brain. I gulped water from the faucet, the same one the cats drink from. I ran downstairs (not an easy thing to do) and began drinking as much as I could. I drank with my head back and somehow willed my epiglottis to leave my air pipe open to send a gust of breath up, forcing the water to go into my nostrils and rinsing them out. As I looked straight ahead, the water poured out my nose. It reminded me of the time I tried inhaling a pixie stick.
Febuary 17, 2001
Work was really busy today. We close in 19 min and I still have people wandering around. Well, my bro is still AWOL. He called in to the Navy on fri or thurs and said he'd be there, but he hasn't shown up yet. No one has heard from him since. Some people think he might be going loopy. I mean, he did say he was staying with that guy that was beat to death last summer...
Been quilting again. This new one is so easy! I would have finished it yesterday had I not sewn the wrong pieces together and given myself 90 inches of seams to rip.
Well, 11 min til close and we're still busy, so I gotta go. Try to write tonight or tomorrow.
Febuary 16, 2001
I want a pager. For no other reason than they look cool. So this is my goal. So it is said, so it is done.
Chris and I looked around Circuit City yesterday for 30 min and noone EVER came up to ask if I needed help. I did need help but I guess some little girl like me couldn't possibly have enough money to make them decent commision. You jerks at Circuit City need to die! I was in an asile for 5 min. A lady walks up next to me looking at stuff too and a guy quickly darts to her side for assistance. That made me mad. Even though the one I want is there, I'm going somewhere else to get one. To a store that believes in helping everyone.
I put a couple of pics from yesterday up on my friends page.
Chris and I had tons of fun last night. We went out to eat,
talked a bunch about everything, went pager shopping and even
got to go to Jo-Ann's. He had gotten me a gift certificate from
there and I used it for material for a new quilt. So,nothing
interesting going on in my life. Except for my brother being
AWOL for over a week now. He told us where he was and when we
tried to track him down we discovered that the guy he was
supposedly staying with died last summer. He lies to his wife, his friends, the Navy,
and I don't think anyone should be suprised that he lied to us.
Everyone was excited a few days ago for him. He had accepted Jesus. My heart hardened against him though. They wanted me to pray for him and I couldn't.
I remember what happened last time. As a matter of fact I had said, "I canít believe I actually prayed that he was ok. That I was actually
scared for him. He made my parents cry and he made them scared.
Well FUCK him, cause I donít have a brother anymore. Heís a LIAR,
and a CHEATER."
I know we're supposed to believe people change. And everyone tells you blood's thicker than water. But I don't feel happy for him and I don't believe he's changed.
At the moment they told me and they were so happy, I distincly remember thinking, "I feel exactly like the prodigal son's brother." He left. He screwed up his own life and made his own mistakes and I'm supposed to forget about all that? What about me?!
Now, how selfish and pathetic was I to think that? I know it's wrong. But it's what I honestly feel. I'm tried of talking about him. I'm tired of the fuss everyone makes. I'm tired of seeing him come home again and again like none of this ever happened. And then being around when he leaves and once again proves what a jerk he is. I'm tired of everyone acting so suprised when he messes everything up once again.
I know I need to be forgiving and all that. But it's really hard. He's a jerk and messes up everyday. How can I forgive him when he never learns a lesson? But then I fuck up every day, too, and God still forgives me. Makes me realize just how perfect He actually is. I could never do what God does.
Febuary 15, 2001
Last night, after Chris left around 10:30pm (he brought me flowers), Emily decided she was in a crazy mood. And she needed to get it out of her system. So she and Jenny went back home to change. During the hour that they were gone, I began to dread going out. It was soooooo late and I get up at 5:30am. Plus, I wanted to wait for Chris's phone call. I got to talk to him around 11:20pm and then the girls went up to my room and finished getting ready. I wore bell bottoms, a psychadelic shirt, a crown, pink sunglasses, a bindi, pink hair extensions, and a leather jacket. Jenny had a blonde wig and a satin kimono-like thing. Her makeup was really crazy, too. So with all three of us dressed like freaks, we stopped by the local grovery store for a disposable camera. Oh yeah, and power puff girl tattoos.
It was sooooo much fun! We hit all the 24/7 stores in the area. We would have gone clubbing, but I forgot my ID. I only had my voter registration on me. There's no way anyone would think I was 21. I got home around 2am. So I got about 3 1/2-4 hrs sleep.
I have pics, but I can't put them up right now cause I'm at work. Even though it would only take a sec, I'm working with someone who's mad at me right now. Remember the guy that's always late? He was late again. He didn't think it was so I had a manager clear up the policy for him. I wouldn't have been such a dork about it, but he's late ALL the time and gave me an attitude about him technically not being late.
So I've gotta watch myself now. Even though he's not even wearing his badge. Never does.
Tonight Chris and I will finally celebrate Valentine's. I'm making sure to eat every 2-4 hours and to take all these amino acids so I don't act like I did the other day.
I think that now that I've had this positive diagnosis, it's gonna be so much easier to control how I feel.
Before it was scary. To act a certain way and not know why. No one wants to act like a bitch. It's mean and you hurt
the people you love. Which then makes you more mad. So I'm gonna try hard to stick to what I should do.
Febuary 14, 2001
Boy, did I predict what would happen last night or what...
This is the second time I have ever had to write from home.
I didn't go to work today and had to miss all my classes
(that's right, all 2 of them). I had an early morning
appointment with my doctor today. Last night was just a series
of events which climaxed right around 7pm. 6 min after leaving
the house, Chris and I were already turning around to go back
home. I initiated a fight. A stupid one. I was mad because
his mom and sister are always on the phone. I told you it was
a stupid reason. Anyway, as things kept building and a bunch
of crap happened, I ended up on the floor in my hallway with a
few broken items and screaming as loud as I could. It was
horrible. Chris could hear me from his truck in the driveway.
He thought someone was gonna call the police and think he was
hurting me. I totally freaked. I couldn't control anything.
My voice, my body....I ended up wobbling to the kitchen and
dialing my dad's phone. I'm gonna skip a whole bunch of details
and get right to the good part. I finally know why I act like
such a bitch sometimes (ok, most of the time). I also know what
caused those two weeks of euphoria. I experienced the
worst-case-scenario that comes with being Hypoglecymic.
That includes violent rages, loss of temper, loss of control
of body, loss of consciousness, and some other goodies.
I was loaded with amino acids this morning and given a diet.
I feel great now. Also, I learend last night why I love Chris
so much. Two boyfriends ago a similar thing happened and this guy
left. He hid all night in some girl's room and the next day was
so cold to me. He wouldn't even look at me and spoke to me in a
monotonous tone. Just a day before he had wanted to marry me.
Well fuck him. fuck theron. Chris is wonderful and a million
times better. He stayed. He knew there was something wrong and
stayed to help me. He didn't leave me alone to possibly fall
into a coma
(another nice side effect of my insulin sky-rocketing).
He's so wonderful. We're gonna redo our
anniversary and V-day tomorrow night.
So it's been a great day. It's nice knowing you're not crazy.
Febuary 13, 2001
At 7am I added pics of my kitties here.
Uh-oh. It's starting. When I first walked into the lab today. Every day Physical Facilities walks in here to empty the trash. Along with it, they take the paper that's in the recycle bins. This is all dumped into the same container. Why do we even bother to separate the paper? I swore if I saw them do that today I'd yell at them. Every tues. and thurs. when I come in, the guy I work with is late.
The one who never asnwers questions, always wears headphones and does whatever else it is he shouldn't. I said if he came in late today, I'd yell at him. Count on him to be late.
So I told him,
"You think you could get here on time from now on?"
I told him there's lots to do when you open. And he was like, what do you need done. Well, I already did it all. You were late, remember?
Turned on all computers, cleaned, and filled both printers cause the goober from last night left all 8 trays empty.
So he's like, I usually walk in behind you. And I said, Twice you've been here on time. And it's the truth.
I'm so mad. I'm shaking and I haven't stopped yet. I can feel it coming. This is just like when I would get in fights all the time. Remember? For quite a few months, all I would do is get in fights. Then, I started getting ok, then there was that 3 week period where I was insanely happy, and now- I'm back where it all started.
Yikes...Here I go again, I guess.
It sucks that today Chris and I are celebrating our anniv. and V-day today cause I'll prolly get mad at him unless I try really hard not to. He said his gift was $300, but I think he was just playing. When I was at Bath and Body the other day I bought him some body splash stuff (they have guy things so it's not all girly), shaving stuff and a cool scented soap. I also got him a box of his fave candies at the candy shopped my sis and jenny work at. And I'm paying for dinner, a movie and ice cream tonight. I can just see myself ruining it, though. I need to calm down before tonight...I still feel all shaky and on-edge. I wish it would go away. I thought it did.
My dream last night was weird.
Begin Dream Sequence:
There's this snowball fight somewhere. We're building fortresses inside the theatre. Then, there's an audience and the snow has melted so I fly away. I go to a parking garage. There is a garage sale going on and I want to buy this little figurine of a woman in a pink dress. There are Mary Kay ladies and they are white. Like sheets of paper with makeup on so I see where they've added color and take note to try that when I get home. I'm in my bedroom which is actually a room I've never seen before. Chris is there and we are laying down while watching tv. My mom comes through the hallway to check on me and chris must hide. This happens a few times. Eventually Chris's shirt is covered in my blood. And I'm like, that's weird. I'm not supposed to start my period til next week. He didn't really mind and I told him I'd take care of it. Dark Angel's Jessica Alba and that cute guy are there. All this stuff happens and they live in this horrible neighborhood in this rickety old townhouse. They come down the street in these hover cars he bought all her friends. She's hanging outside a window naked and is climbing the townhouse. She goes in through the window. When she's in, there's this Sting song playing (the new one) and inside there are black statues and everything is orange and red. It's beautiful and a complete suprise from what I saw outside. They both walk around their house naked. She has all these goosebumps and pink splotches on her skin. Then, he's face down on his couch. He's in a light blue robe and there's a white bandage around his head. She has very short patches of blodish white hair on her head. She is in a robe, too. He gets up from the couch and she begins screaming and screaming. Loud and high-pitched. His hand is still on the couch. His body is falling apart. This would be years and years later as they are an old couple. They are wasting away and she has cancer. This is weird because earlier I remember thinking about how young and happy they were to finally be together and not worry about being chased or killed.
Then I woke up cause my mom turned on the hall lights.
I finally stopped being so shaky. Maybe tonight won't be so bad afterall.
Skipped class. Went to the library instead. Is it still bad that I didn't go?
I didn't have a lot of time (cause i really had to find a potty) so I only got three books. All were all my way to finding the potty.
The Mammary Plays
Paula Vogel (ive read her plays before and loved them)
Women Writing Childbirth. Modern discourses of motherhood
Millions Like Us. British Women's Fiction of the Second World War.
So now I have a few things to help me procrastinate school work.
Valentine's Day eve...Gonna be so much fun. I don't think I'll be mean tonight. Earlier this morning, I did confront Physical Facilities about them trashing the recyclables with the regular trash. They gave me a little 'tude, but after I made a scene saving the tub of paper from that dimwit and hiding it away from him then replacing it with an empty one, I called my office and they're looking into it. They had no idea the paper wasn't being recycled and thought P.F. was the department that took care of it.
So, I avenged a little today. Read a little today. And it's not even noon.
Febuary 12, 2001
I hate it when people stare.
This guy on the bus this morning kept staring at me. He was
turned sideways in his seat so he could stare. And everytime
I caught him and gave him a nasty look, he closed his eyes and
pretended to be asleep. When I got up to go wait for my stop, he
turned 180 degrees in his seat so he could stare at me standing
by the door. Creep.
Yesterday was fun. Jenny, Chris and I went to the Dollar Zone and bought
tons of cool crap. We then stacked up some of our candy hearts
from NECCO and lit the pile on fire. Jenny is a pyro. She puts flames
out with her fingers and likes lighters. She bought Chris and I some
at the dollar zone so we could set things on fire, too. Then Chris
had to go see his dad so Jenny and I went to her house to quilt
and watch old episodes of the Monkees. She has bagel bites at her house.
Well for the past few days everyone is getting on my nerves. From
the tattooed smokers at Walmart, to that jerk on the bus this morning.
I've only skipped one class so far this quarter, but I'm thinking of doing it again. I wanna take an early bus home so Chris and I can see Dude, Where's My Car at the dollar theatre and go out to eat. I also thought about skipping so I could work an extra shift, but I just don't feel like it. I need that money, though.
I spent almost $50 at Bath& Body and $20 at Walmart over the weekend. I am supposed to be saving my money, remember?
Plus, I still have V-day to pay for. I'm such a bad girl.
Oh well. God wants us to enjoy ourselves, right? And it's just one class....There, I think I've convinced myself.
Febuary 10, 2001
The day the Bikers came...
The museum was busy today and I didn't get a chance to update. I leave in an hour and I just barely got done entering raffle tickets.
And yesterday Envy.nu was down; which pissed me off.
Last night my parents were out at a marriage/valentine's retreat the church was having. The weather was changing. Yesterday it was in the 60's- today in the low 30's. As the cold airs moved in, our electricity was knocked out. Chris and I were watching Dead Man on Campus. We sat there for a while thinking it'd come back on in a sec. After waiting, I made my way to the kitchen. My family is so smart- we keep our matches and lighters in the knife drawer. So I carefully pulled out a butane lighter and began lighting candles around the house, using Chris's cell phone light as a guide. I had about 11 candles in my room. After giving my sister a few to take to her room, I walked into my room and said to Chris,
"You know what? This is romantic." And then he replied,
"I was thinking that exact same thing right as you said it!"
We lay down on my bed cause it was getting cold w/o the
heater and the dark makes me tired. We fell asleep for about
an hour until power came back and every appliance and light
in the house sprang to life all at once.
Tonight Chris works, so a friend and I are gonna abuse her
Bath& Body Works discount. She's worked there for 3 months
and they've only scheduled her to work twice! She's mad and
so am I. They shouldn't hire people if they don't need them.
I'm gonna buy Green Apple, Warm Vanilla Sugar, Country Apple,
Tangerine Spice, and this Something-Pea. I don't remember the
name but Chris liked it. I only thought it was ok.
Afterward, we're gonna quilt.
I wanna make another one for my sis in germany in
exchange for candy. She's been working on hers for a long
time. It required 118 2inch squares which then had to be cut
into triangles. She's up to sewing them together now. She
hates herself for picking such an insanly difficult pattern for
her second quilt. I also need to make curtains for my room. Chris informed me that people outside can see my body's outline as I move around my room.
So I picked out some burlap and pink cord for what I think are gonna be awesome curtains.
The burlap smells gross, but Im hoping a washing and Febreeze will take care of that.
Sadly, I may be off my happy trip. I was mad at Chris
last night. This was probably provoked by spending an hour looking at
car crap at Pep Boys, but still... I don't understand why all
of a sudden I don't feel that euphoric happy I once did. I also almost got in a fight with these two bald, 20 something yr olds at Walmart last night. It was raining very hard so they were just inside the door smoking. I don't care if smokers die. I kind of wish they'd hurry up actually. But when they force me to stand there in their smoke (which is worse for non smokers than the actual smoker) that pisses me off.
So I told them.
I wanted to fight them, cause they were acting like a@@holes,
but Chris wouldn't let me. I wanted to take that cigarette and
shove it down his throat so he'd understand exactly what it was
like for me to have to breathe it. I didn't care that they were bigger and covered in tattoos. I knew I could take them on.
Well, I'm getting all paranoid now cause I think I hear the director's voice.
he hates it when we're not working.
I have to go! Have a wonderful day! (i hope i do)
Febuary 8, 2001
Who in their right mind would go through the trouble of requesting a refund from the coke machine?
My only cash that I've been carrying around for the past three weeks is $1.05 in change. When that Powerade machine took my $1.00 at approx. 7:18am this morning, I was pissed. That was my money, dagnabit. So after hitting a million buttons and holding the coin return button in for a long time,
I looked for a number and serial number. I called Coca-Cola and demanded my 4 quarters back. The woman was pretty aggrivated as if my request were frivilous, but I stood firm. In a few weeks, I should be recieving a check from them.
Moral: Stand up for yourself even against large Multinational Corporations.
Around 6:48am I saw something rather disturbing. On the 2nd floor outdoor patio of the gov't building, there was poopy. It looked like human poopy and was all watery, I wondered who in the world would crap on a gov't building.
Last night was fun. We planned to have a dinner at Bible Study next
week and I'm making one of my fave dessets. Yellow cake (yellow is not a flavor,
but it's called yellow anyway) in a tiara pan. Cheesecake filling on top, then
cherries. It's better in Chocolate cake, but there's already gonna be a lot of choc.
We're also buying 4 bags of Voila! so that no one has to do any "real" cooking.
As for life in general, things are going very well. I've got a plan, but I'm not too
obsessed over it. No one's promised tomorrow, so live in today. I think that's in
the Bible somewhere. I've also begun thinking that maybe I should concentrate
more on school right now than I do. And maybe less on relationships. I don't
know about that one yet, though. It just came to me last night during an awkward
moment between Chris and I.
I think I have a composition due today, uh-oh....
At least I got my friends page up today. I still have a few to add, though. And I wanna put all the funnie things Bek and I did up there.
Maybe I'll try to do my homework in the next 20 min. before class.
Almost time to go home!! The weather is awesome. I think I hear that it might actually be up around 70 F tomorrow.
I'm mostly so happy cause I'll get to eat soon. At 6:20am I had Ramen Noodles, I had three cookies ealier and a Jolly Rancher lollipop. So, you can see why I'm starved now that it's 3:40pm. My stomach hurts so badly and I usually get pretty faint as the day goes on. But I really couldn't help it with my schedule. And what kind of food won't go bad or squish after being in mu bag for 10 hours?
Other than my stomach eating myelf away, I'm doing very well. I love warmer weather. Makes me happy. I also feel like I've accomplished a lot by editing my page, my quilting page, and reading half a page for Soc. Can you see my priorities?
Febuary 7, 2001
Ramen Noodles and Hot Chocolate (hot water and brown
powder). Breakfast of Champions.
Isn't Dark Angel's Jessica Alba the greatest?
Darned if she isn't
the purtiest thing. And that Logan guy,
I'm sorry, but those two need to get it on. I told Chris
people should get it on. He was sad and asked where
Sometimes, at the grocery store usually, I look around at
people and wonder how they ever had children.
There are some mean, mean people out there.
really weird looking people. People that have hair to their
mullets, large come overs, and that dress like grandmas when
they're only in their early thirties. You know what- never mind.
I'm starting to get into a pretty touchy subject that includes,
How disgusting is it to think your parents had sex?
I'm gonna move to recounting my day yesterday. It involved litte more
than spending a few hours at the grocery store with my parents.
I saw a lot of people I used to know when I worked there and was
a little sad. Like I wasn't part of some family I was once a member of.
Plus, there are so many cute boys in grocery stores. Bad boys, skaters,
preps....and although most of them are highschoolers, I miss them.
I saw this lady that goes to our church yesterday (in the cookie aisle) and she's a designer.
She's going to NY and Europe for a couple weeks but is coming over
for dinner as soon as she's back.
She said I had a lot of talent and that just from observing the way
I encounter things she can see my creativity- or something like that.
Point- she wants to help me be a designer and thinks I'd be good.
She's inviting me to her office to meet people and look around.
She also told me about the design schools, made a few suggestions,
but also didn't like the one in Cali. She said the people she's
had coming from there are less prepared. Rats. I'm gonna have to stay
in the North to go to school.
Anyway, today should be wonderful. Couple of classes then
home. Chris is off today so I get to see him today. Bible study is tonight
so I get to have friends over. Been sewing a bunch past couple
of days so there's a ton of thread I have to vacuum up. No wait,
that wasn't a good point.
I guess that's it. I have a Soc assignment to do and a composition
due in an hour. I hate homework.
Febuary 6, 2001
I woke up around 4am freezing. Then I remembered that I had forgotten to put any pants on last night. So that was why.
My karma was a little off yesterday. Starting aound 10 am. I couldn't conjugate in
class and I got all out
of breath trying to explain something to the teacher. Other than that, I was late to
my second clas, tripped while walking to the front, my hair began getting frizzy and
my make up was horrid. Plus, I remembered just how hard it is to go potty when
you're wearing overalls.
Then last night I was mad at Chris. For a pretty stupid reason, but it usually is.
I'm trying to get back on my happy wagon today.
Doesn't seem too bad so far except for my booty being so cold earlier.
I was very productive yesterday, anyway. I ended up cutting about 9 cards.
Evil plastic demons which I hope to never come across again. In a few months
I should be getting rid of Discover. I'm gonna throw a party when I do.
In cleaning up loose ends, I discovered that someone at Visa was stupid enough
to actually issue me a Platinum card with an EXTREMELY large limit.
It was real purty and glittery. I didn't want to cut that one up.
And was about it. Sent some cards to credit card hell, fought with Chris,
had some bad karma, but still accomplished a few things.
So it's 9:18 am and I'm ready for an update. It's snowing a lot outside and the
flakes are so huge it feels like I'm living in a snow globe with large glitter falling
all around me.
My karma is returning. Today we're watching a video in Spanish and then I just
have to work in one more lab. It's only a tuesday so it shouldn't be that busy. And,
as soon as I get home I'm taking a nap.
And unless I'm awaken abruptly, I shouldn't be cranky tonight when I see Chris.
It's supposed to be about 44 degrees so I'm not sure why it's snowing so much.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my beanie. I thought about taking one from the lost and
found, but that would be nasty.
I don't want lice that've been sitting in a drawer.
Commercialism on campus is horrible. We have mini-Starbucks.
Here in the library where there will be about 20 sq feet to drink.
No drinks are allowed in the actual library nor does the computer lab allow drinks.
They set up this coffee bar in the lobby between the library entrance and ours. Morons.
Stupid, stupid, stupid university more concerned with making money than education.
I worked on my links page today, hooray!
You make my heart sing!
You make everything......Groovy...
Wild Thang, I think I love you....
But I wanna know for sure
Come 'ere and hold me tight.
I love you.....
Don't you love it when songs get stuck in your head?
Well, 10:04am and it's still snowing.
I have class soon and I think I'm starting to feel this unusual happy feeling.
More like, today is gonna be a wonderfuly easy day.
I have nothing to worry about today.
Ok, I need to give my journal a rest. Maybe I'll draw some dresses. I made a purse last night that is sooooo beautiful! Clean lines and seam and wonderful fabrics!
I love all you people. Wonderful, wonderful people.
Febuary 5, 2001
Everything has seemed so unreal lately. Perfect. Once I,
for a second, contemplated testing the reality of all this
by doing something drastic like jumping off the museum,
realized what a doofy idea it was. Even though it's 31F, it
still feel like
spring. There are birds and squirrels and it even kind of
smells like it.
Chris and I haven't fought in FOREVER (prolly the last time
My room is immaculately clean, I have been cleaning the
every other day...everything is just so wonderfully perfect
and clean. I played with the idea of lab rat yesterday. When
the rat does something right, you reward it with a treat or an
elecrical shock which initiates euphoria. (Or however these thigns
work, i haven't been in a science lab in quite a few months and
have already forgotten so many procedures). And the way
I figure is I'm finanlly doing what God wants and I'm being rewarded.
I don't know why. But I have been extremely happy for the past week.
Last night my dad told us a story about why he doesn't let his secretaries
lick envelopes. There was this woman whose tongue was swelling up and she
went to the doctor to find out why. He checked her out, and nothing
was wrong. It continued to get bigger and she visited a few other
doctors until one, so baffled by her lacking any other symtoms, decided
to make an incision on her tongue and found....
A Roach!! (i think it was just a larvae)
She then remembered she had cut her tongue a few weeks back
while licking an envelope and the Doc said there must have
been a roach egg on the envelope. My dad said you don't know what's
crawled over envelopes as they're stored in warehouses
and drawers where roaches may be running around. And
since my dad has seen situations far worse than that in his job, I know
it's totally possible. I then remembered I had to lick 11 envelopes at the
Everyone has an updated journal this morning. I love that.
I read an entry I always remember something just like that
that I had experienced before. This one girl's entry, though,
reminded me of why I had been getting in fights the past 6
months or so. I don't feel angry yet. I haven't begun
hyperventilating over what an unfair world this is yet. I'm still
here where everything's perfect and I can't seem to remember
anything from my past.
Febuary 4, 2001
Envy or this comp. was being weird yesterday so I couldn't
update. Not that too much happened.
Once again I'm at work and once again I have finished all my
tasks by 10:30am. That's ok. I brought homework to do today.
Plus, this is the last week I work 44.5 hours. I'm so happy.
Finally, I will be able to get some decent sleep (and a couple
of nice paychecks).
Last night, Chris's extended family was blessed enough to view
my driving skills first-hand. And although they were in the car
behind me, I think they did see my finger pressed firmly against
my window and could easily make out the profanities shaped out
on my lips.
His sister was lucky enough to be in the van with me, though,
and perhaps sees me a bit differently now. As a force not to be
We went to the mall last night. A huge mall. With yuppie stores
like Talbots, Gap (all three), TWO starbucks, Barnes& Noble,
Abercrombie, Pottery Barn, etc. They all stayed open til 12am,
though, as the mall is famous for. It's a "shopping village"
owned by the richest man here.
Parking is free. So all the garages are full of people who have
no garage-ettiqute. Thus, my need to chastise a driver as he
so rudely tried to back into me.
And other than the hyper-ventilation and shaking being in the
crowded garage forced me into, I had a wonderful day yesterday.
I could have hoped for nothing more than a little more sleep
this weekend. And since Chris is becoming licensed as a referee
town, I'll at least catch a little nap after work.
Febuary 2, 2001
Another super morning. Walking alone before dawn, it began to snow. And it wasn't that cold even. I'm not really looking foward to walking all the way to Fees and Deposits
to pay tuition later. That's gonna take at least half an hour. I suppose I need that excericse, though.
Working on a new layout, already. Trying to decide what to keep and what to toss. Maybe the journal. Don't know yet.
Now, I'd like to vent a little.
I HATE it when people are stupid. Like yesterday I was on ICQ talking to some friends and some guy (from Turkey or something) sent me a JPEG file. So I'm like, ok- maybe it's his pic. Just in case, I open it in a window and plan on minimizing it while it loads. So I do that, and when I go to check on the pic,
it's a HUGE (took up entire screen) pic of some naked chic. I hyperventilated and shut down the program as quickly as I could. I sit at the front of the lab and my monitor is visible to some of the people there.
I really hate that. Why would I have wanted that? Then he kept asking me if I was a girl or beautiful (it was dutch, so I'm not exactly sure which).
So he went on my invisible and ignore list. I should have expected that from a guy whose ICQ nick was Hard.
Febuary 1, 2001
Today is such a wonderful day. It was only 32 degrees this morning, but I swear it felt like spring. I even walked to work today instead of taking the campus bus.
I like my outfit. I woke up ok. I only have one class today. We're only taking a test, then I get to leave early for my next shift. I was the first one at work, as always, and so I just have this feeling of being kin to genesis. You know? Being around all by yourself on a gorgeous spring-like morning. Walking into the lab with no one else around. Everything seems so
clean and new in the morning. I took off the chipped maroon polish I had been wearing for about a month and put on two coats of a shimmery white color last night. I like the feel of brand new.
Bible study went well last night. We talked about evil and where it came from and how satan came to be. And, about why bad things happen to good people. Chris was able to be there; finally got a Wed off at work. Right before bible study, as tired as I was, I went into a cleaning frenzy. I cleared every corner in the kitchen and I assure you that is no easy feat! I scrubbed the coffemaker, the stove, everything in site. Tonight, I think I'm gonna work on my new room. I have to set up my tv and one more dresser. This will be the first tv I have ever owned. 21 and I'm just now getting what most 14 yr olds consider a staple in life. I think some people can be too materialistic. Like, they think they'll die if for some reason they're denied their own tv.
Other than the usual, I'm still trying to plan V-day. Chris and I will be celebrating the 13th, though. Our 1yr 6mo. anniversary and V-day eve.
And my dad came home last night from visiting his family in TX. He brought presents and my grandmother sent us tortillas.