january 30, 2002


im talking in my sleep. for almost a week now. im sleeping funnie, too.last night i sprawled across the width of the bed and had to keep waking up to pull the covers back over me. and it's so hard to wake up. while baking cookies at 2am this morning that horrible feeling of discontent returned. every little crumb of dough that touched the table or even broke of from the cookie and onto the pan made me want to scream. i got all the trash together and bagged it to go outside. i can't stand mess when im like this. i dusted, too. i wish i could remember what makes me feel this, because i figured it out once but now ive forgotten. maybe it was what i ate. but i don't remember. might be stress. from my parents leaving, school, my debt, UC not giving me answer yet, and then all those things wrong with me that i need to fix. there's too much to do. relationships with my family is one thing on my list. i hate when other people point out my faults as if i didn't have enough of them already.

lemme think of some good stuff to say-
i might be getting my nose pierced for V-day and i might be spending it on a beach. a WARM beach, not one here in the US. randall's family likes me. after 8 days of not brushing/combing my hair, it only too 17 min to detangle again and there was minimal pain involved. randall's getting his hair dreaded this weekend. after all, this earth is temporary and who really cares if i get my financial aid form in or not? none of this is gonna change eternity, so who cares- i shouldn't

january 29, 2002


i am currently moving. i am lazy, but will one day see everyone here.

lately reality has been so unreal. it all seems fake and it's like im not really here. yesterday, for 2 hours, i had this horrible feeling of not belonging and being uncomfortable. i paced for a bit and became really upset. it's like nothing was right. that happens sometimes, but it usually doesn't last that long. that's been a weird struggle lately. i used to see a Dr for Dissociative Disorder. ive been thinking about it a lot lately. when nothing seems real.

oh well. here's what i wrote on sunday:
i cried today when i realized for the first time in frightening reality, that there really is NOTHING on this earth we can count on. before, i at least had my body. but the results of a blood test i took on friday may actually show me that my body itself is fighting against me and deteriorating. the test wasn't painful like i had feared, but it was embaressing especially cause he called a nurse in to help him. ugh. what will really make this bad is if i find out that the problem is at some advanced, uncurable stage. because then this would be totally my fault. almost 5 years ago i first lost the weight and i first had all this blood. but i never had it checked out until now. after church, as we sat in a booth at Denney's, i cried, feeling weak. but i am. that's why i need God. im too self-sufficient. i hate admiting my weakness and dependency, so this is my lesson.

during the church service today, there were so many things weighing on me and going through my mind. a lot of it was guilt for being too self-conscious to walk to the front and ask for help. because im too proud for that. i mentally beat myself until i just got up and walked up. i got on my knees and put my head down and prayed so hard to God. i prayed to feel him again. i apologized for pushing him away for so long and for trying to fix everything myself. i begged him to be with me again. then a hand came to my shoulder and this woman and i began to pray. she knew there was a worry on my heart. my fear of not being perfect. my fear of being sick. being broke. being broken up with. she prayed for many things. afterward i got back to my seat before randall saw that i had gone up front. i fee like ive been through a lot this weekend but i hate talking about it. it feels like im whining.


i can't believe i went so long without my precious, precious page!!

anyway, i went to the doctor, had my horrible exam and although it wasn't painful at all, the Dr asked a nurse to aid him so there were TWO people there in my moment of shame. ugh. i also broke a bottle of vodka last night at the grocery store. last time it was a plastic bottle of juice. i have now been officially stripped of all beverage carrying priviledges. the cashier made it official and randall will enforce it.

january 24, 2002


envy is really pissing me off. i was gung-ho about moving into tripod as soon as envy came up again, but now im just too lazy.

im going all week with only 2 outfits. i haven't been able to wash clothes yet. i borrowed randall's pants, though, and found a clean pair of underwear. so my outfit is a twice used (but only for a total of like 12 hours) white shirt, a once used (for 17hours) "AT&T the RIGHT choice shirt" (salvation army- 90cents), baggy green khakis with a BIG hole under the right back pocket, orange boxers so my cloud underwear aren't revealed through the big hole, and men's cologne. my nose is stuffy so i can't tell if i smell or not. im very comfy, though.

moving on, i MISSED my horrible appt yesterday and so i had to reschedule to see the Dr on monday. my dad found out yesterday what i was going for and was like, "are you serious? that's bad, meli. why did you wait so long to do this??" oh, and im getting my nose pierced for Venereal Disease Day aka Valentine's. my mom already said no.

"mom, what do you think of nose piercings?"
"absolutely not! you need to put that money in the bank for tuition! they're gross!"
"you just haven't seen any of the good ones."
"yes i have-"
"see? they DO look good!!"

so randall will buy it for me so i don't get in trouble. cause it looks like her main concern is money. by then, i'll be graduating in less that 4 months anyway.

i walked around downtown yesterday getting things together for randall's v-day gift. i accidently walked into a gay store thinking they made t-shirts there (i don't understand how the mixup happened). i didn't want to look stupid to the people in there by walking in, seeing the erotic cards and running out. so i acted like i meant to walk in there. with purpose, i closely inspected their selection of 4-hr burning insense, rainbow colored shotglasses and ashtrays, walking quickly by the vibrators to the wall of stickers, and stratigicly back to the door. i think it was a men's store. the men in there just stared at me like i was a dork. oh well.

january 22, 2002


made a new page. they're my journal sketchings


i felt really shitty yesterday about the whole me-being-a-dork-and-hurting-randall's-feelings thing, so i bought us some shirts at salvation army for 99cents each and then used my 10% student discount. they're so 80's and cheesey that they're cool. i think ive learned about myself the past few days. that i can have low self esteem, im shy, and i use a lot of comparison. comparison is the enemy of confidence. i found that quote last night as i was cleaning my room. we're going through the whole house and throwing years of stuff away. i salvaged a few items that had awesome memories, but most of my life is at the salvation army if anyone wants a piece of me. i can't tell you why we're doing this. but both my parents took off work this week to get rid of the majority of our life accumulation. changes are weird. im being weird. im gonna find food now.


envy is being WEIRD, so i broke in my new journal that's leather and has this cool strap thingy to keep it closed. paper journals are so weird to use. i have been trying to use it since new year's, but never got into it until yesterday. i made randall mad. i don't think i should EVER eats lots of sugar when i plan on PMSing. this is like, the stuff world wars are made of. hypoglycemic women are dangerous. we made up this morning, though. i still feel bad for being such an idiot. i guess my karma will pay me back tomorrow when i have my doctor's appt. if it wasn't for my mom and randall threatening me, id never ever ever have this thing checked out. im so nervous. im not even gonna say what it is. just that if i told you, youd die laughing but if you had to have it done, you'd just die.

i can justify anything if ive had enough sugar. once, i threatened two big, shaved-heads, tatooed guys at walmart and they said they were gonna teach me a lesson. so i was like, all ready to kick some ass when chris dragged me away. i was SO right in my decision at the time and i believed that i would somehow not be hurt at all cause i stood for the forces of good, you see how whack i am on sugar? not only that, but i had all the hormone stuff going on, too. im making him an extra awesome v-day gift. everything he's getting is gonna be artsy, like some drawings im doing for him and maybe even a quilt. um, if we make it through this whole cycle thing. then i promise not to do it again next month. um, yeah.

january 21, 2002


my weekend started out by getting in trouble sat. morning at 1:30am. i was grocery shopping with randall and the lady yelled at me that i had to get out of the cart.
=( she was mean.

i slept most of saturday until the evening when randall and i had dinner with my family. we spoke in spanish the whole time, so that was cool. leaving the restaraunt we drove straight out west to some university he used to go to. at first i was really nervous and didn't wanna go, but told randall i did anyway. im glad i went cause they all turned out to be really nice. there was a keg out on the front porch, but we got to help ourselves to the fridge so i just sat and talked while i drank. didn't get drunk at all and had no intention to. when the whiskey bottle came around i took a couple shots just to be nice and courteous then a few of us went out to eat. by this time the house was so full everyone was standing and there was a porn someone had put into the VCR (which we found in the morning to be stolen along with the tap and Meet the Parents). we got back in at 3am and one of the guy's gave us his bedroom for the night and in the morning, made us bacon, eggs, and waffles. then we went frisbee golfing. the whole weekend was a LOT more fun than i thought it would be. i should stop being so shy and wanting to stay home all the time.

january 18, 2002


i hate when stupid guys ask for dates. i was waiting at the bus stop when some guy is like, can i interest you in a bible study and i politely said no, and he was like how about a date? a drink? dinner? there's a burger place right there. are you sure? why don't you let me take you out? i said no already, stupid. it makes we wish i looked different, not that i think im pretty or whatever, but that at least these guys wouldn't always approach me. i hate the way i look sometimes. like when i was standing at the stop and some guy just starts yelling racist slurs at me. and all the morons around me just stood there acting like they didn't know anything was going on. they left me alone, just two feet away from me, to defend myself against that man who hated that my "kind" were here in this country. i hate that. it made me cry last night. im so sad now. im gonna have pizza and maybe then make some art.


randall's best friend and i are giving randall dreadlocks. we're waiting for the wax and stuff to come in and then we'll get started. he's also getting a quarter-sleeve tattoo done that'll go up to the middle of his back. i should take pics of the ones he has now. they're not, like, naked girl tattoos. they all have/ will have a lot of spiritual meaning to him, so i dont mind that he's doing it. if he was getting a big cartoon character on his back or something, then i'd have to forbid him.


as i was waiting for the bus last night some car made a u-turn and came back around. then, like strangers with enticing candy, they waved me to come closer to the car. the guy turned out to be a colombian med student at the university (he showed me his id cause i looked really nervous) and his friend was persian. he said i was pretty and asked for my email address so i was like, i have a boyfriend, and he said, "im not out looking for a girlfriend, just a nice cup of coffee!!! then we can discuss mexico and columbia". so i went into defense mode, farted, and as if wafted into his car and they began choking, i ran away. ok, i didn't really fart, i just acted nice until they drove away. so that's my weird story.


randall got me a whole chicken supreme pizza yesterday just cause i said i liked it. i can't wait to go home for leftovers.

i just made 4 doctor's appts for the next week and a half. i feel like im all dying or whatever.

january 17, 2002


im still sick; it's been three weeks. and this morning i was late for the first time EVER in 3.5 years. not just late, 2.5 hours late. im so pissed. and disappointed. not that i should be perfect and never late, but i should be closer to perfection than this. my stupid body failed me. for that, tonight i will get no sleep then maybe i'll learn my lesson. you cannot indulge in sleep.

im also trying really hard to not get crushes anymore. and to get rid of the one i have right now. i should be more disciplined.

january 16, 2002


a store downtown seems really excited about setting their buyer up with me to show them my designs. so im happy! i hope they like my stuff.....and buy some.

i was absolutely amazed that they agreed and danced in the parking lot with the guy's number on the card. after that, i need to make some more stuff for my portfolio to a local art school. i need to make some more money. i just got a lot of weird news from my family today that kept changing depending on who i spoke with; i don't think i'll be able to ask for any more money from them. oh well. if this store likes my stuff, i'll be around more selling my stuff.

ok, gotta see if my check went in. i need health insurance, like, now! so far i will be making appointments with 4 different kinds of doctors. i shouldn't visit those health websites anymore. they're freaking me out.

january 15, 2002


things i hate about auto-detect flush toilets
1. they flush so hard the seat gets wet and i have to wipe it dry while dancing on one foot and holding back 5 liters of pee-pee.
2. they flush while you're peeing sometimes so my freaking butt gets wet
3. they flush so hard the girl after you thinks you're some nasty freak that peed on the seat.

i just found out that i graduate college june 14th. after 5 freakin years, the end is finally in sight. as soon as i graduate, im right back in as an undergrad at another school for my second diploma. that's the one that im really excited about, not just cause it will signify an end to my student-status, but i'll finally be a designer after that. wheeee! i hope i don't end up working as a designer for payless or something. that would suck to have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars (many of which i did not have and will still owe, ha!)to make less that i spent a year in tuition.


i just saw a film in class about this misunderstanding caused by the translator's ignorance of the language. it resulted in many deaths, incarcerations, and the permanent separation of this family. tears kept coming to my eyes and it was so sad that this mexican family had to go through that. then it got me thinking about this girl i work with. the other day she was making fun of "foreign people" and laughing at how they should learn our language. i wanted to slap her. my mother's first language is not english. she had to teach herself to speak it. i wanted to slap that stupid girl and tell her that my own people, that were here way before hers, were tired of foreigners, too, and that we wanted her to leave now.

i know it's not right, so i didn't say it. i just got up and walked out. i hate ignorance like that. and she cant even see it. she was laughing like she was being so funnie and cute or whatever. like all the "white" people working there thought it would be funnie, too. i hate sometimes, that people don't know im mexican, that they believe mexicans are those dirty dishwashers that don't speak english that always look a certain way that can't possibly be the light skinned girl who speaks english so well sitting right next to them. i hate when they think i'll laugh at those stupid comments they make.


im almost all done being sick. now im just coughing and getting nosebleeds.

i had this weird dream about radiohead and someone's wife getting lots of nuggin on sundays. so i woke up and asked randall what nuggin was but all he said was, "i can't hear you, melida. i don't understand what you're saying. you need to wake up first." so that's my only story. i have 2 essays due soon and i haven't even done the readings yet.

january 14, 2002


sickness update:

lost my voice yesterday. today my stomach muscles hurt from so much coughing.

yesterday i led an introduction type thing to the new bible study that went well. mostly i just slept though. so there's not much to say. had a weird dream. then randall did. he dreamt that i was saying how much i hated kids and he was upset caues he wanted to have kids and didn't think i would with him. and i see why his subconscious manifested his real concerns into that dream. im really uncomfortable around kids, esp. babies. i've held a baby twice in my life and that seems like a really small number since girls are supposed to be all about how cute babies are and all. but my mom really discouraged playing house and having baby dolls, and i can't quite stop hearing her say that once you have a baby your life is over. babies are nothing but diapers, money, crying, and a loss of freedom- that's the truth i was raised with, so how am i gonna know anything else? i hate that conflict between what i've known all my life and what everyone else seems to know. i don't like thinking about this. it's depressing me. i kinda wish i wanted to have kids one day and that i wasn't so afraid of them.

january 12, 2002



i am sick. whoooooo, i feel all funnie. like, i should be sleeping, more like i am asleep. all lightheaded and stuff. i love you so much, you. you're so nice to come and visit me. yeah. hmmm, maybe i will get some medicine now. i like my hair today, it's really big. my hair looks like it's starting to section off and dread. i should comb it tonight. but that's a very long and involved process. randall is getting dreads in, like, a week i think. he's gonna be so hot when he does. i feel really warm inside. i think i like being sick. ok, here's a kissie from me to you:
*moo-ah* now go have some fun.


went to a party last night. had fun. been lazy. should clean, do homework, work on the bible study for tomorrow, excercise...getting lost in a dream under the covers is so much more tempting. too naked. must put clothes on so i can hang with todd today.

i can't smell or taste anything and my voice is down to a whisper; i hope it's back by sunday so i can lead the study. oh, i also talked a guy into a threesome with another guy- well, the idea anyway, i wouldn't actually do that. i think there are too many contradictions in who i am. im not pretending in any sense but i don't understand how my strong beleifs can be so contrary to each other. i don't know. i don't feel like getting lost in my thoughts today. im getting dressed now.

january 11, 2002


i really like being latin american/ hispanic/ mexican/ mexican-american/ chicana/ latina or whatever.


wheee!! my class is taking a field trip today!! we're going out to eat and to some mexican stores. this is the first trip ive taken in 4.5 years of college. all the snot that is going into my stomach is making me sick. especially cause i haven't eaten yet. if i puke here at work i will be SO embarassed.

so im learning a lot with randall. at first i thought it was to not love, or so easily anyway, but now im seeing that it's to love unconditionally, to not let the wrong things influence that, and to not worry about the future. with love, you shouldn't necessarily begin with the end in mind. so we may break up, we may not- if i love him, i should love him regardless. that is my lesson from him. im also learning other stuff which is cool, but i think that might be the main one. ok, i need to write sunday's bible study now.

january 10, 2002


there's nothing like catching the lil piece of broccoli in your front teeth....11 hours after eating it. now who did i smile at today...


i was brushing sarah's (sis's cat) hair and she freaking bit me!! not hard, but still, that little wench. so i bit her back. then my sister yelled at me and told my mom.

after two weeks im still not over my sickness. now it's a yucky cough and lots of snot- so don't touch anything i've just touched. i got to talk to my grandmother for an hour last night which is the most i've prolly ever spent speaking with her. she's pretty much the whole reason im here studying spanish, spending thousands of dollars at this university. that, and the fact that i know little to nothing about my own culture. it's almost sad that im reading a book and taking lectures on latinos in the US. cause that's me. but it's not like im culture-less. im a part of some undefined set of society. some big mix of tradition and individuality; it's weird stepping back to see it. i also learned that hispanic is not a race and a word created by the census beureau and it's sad to think i don't even know what to call myself. ethnicity and culture are so weird.

january 8, 2002

8:13pm i was going through websites and clicking around on links when this huge java message comes up asking me to prepare for the hardest core porn ever and i almost died trying to stop it from loading. i was like, eeeeeek!!!!! i can't be looking at naked chicks at work, NOOOOO!!! then i closed it out. i also fell asleep sitting in the middle of the front row of class today. i did that horribly obvious head jerk right as i was about to slam into my desk. then i pretended that i just wanted a closer look at my notes by intricatly inspecting them. whatever, loser. everyone knew you had fallen asleep. i kept my eyes down the rest of class. oh, and i fell out of my chair and into a metal desk at work this morning. so i pretended that i was just trying to look under the desk for something. i wish i had a movie of my life to watch so i could see if my "saves" are at all obvious coverups to my goofs.


i can give myself any disease known to man.
this is something i don't like about myself. i'll go to a medical website to look up symptoms and woe is me!! i magically have them all. i did that last night. ugh. i even looked up this one cancer and saw that i had 3 of the 4 symptoms. that's not good. last week i thought i had a staph infection and anthrax briefly crossed my mind. i miss having health insurance. i miss going to the doctor and having him tell me im crazy and that there's no way i can possibly be diabetic/seizuring/dying/unable to digest fat. im funnie. last night i self-diagnosed myself with two more things including Narcissism as suggested by one site visitor.

that's one of my weaknesses/faults. another is crushes. i madly crush on people. i don't care who you are. if you're male (maybe female, but rarely) and i know you, chances are i was once absolutely madly in crush with you. yes, you. i feel sorry for my boyfriends i guess, but ive never ever pursued any of these. well, a few and we ended up dating. this all usually ends when the person yells at me or i somehow regain sanity and see how stupid i was. until then, the person is constantly in my mind and i will actually go out of my way to see that person. i hate that.

and if you get the chance to see me naked this week (and there's a 99.9% chance that you won't) you'll be priviledged enough to see my body art: aka sharpie permanent marker writings/drawings all over my body. im really into anything artsy. there's a dove on my thigh, a pyramid over my ribs, and lots of hearts.

january 7, 2002


ok, it's that time of the month again. tuition time. so today im an absolute wreck. to avoid my whining, you may now stop reading. i am so close to pounding my head repeatedly on this keyboard right now. i wonder what the guy working here would do; i bet he'd write a really descriptive problem report about how i was babbling incoherently as the police dragged me out just so they could all laugh about it. im *this* close. lost my license, my keys, locked myself out, no tuition money, had to wait in line for 20 min just to buy an envelope to mail tuition to buy a day to get the money together. still a few hundred short. and it's freakin cold outside. and what's with all the yellow snow this year?!

blah,blah,blah, it's only money. my credit card and i are gonna go have a little fun. what the heck. debt, schmedt.


sick. i miss being able to swallow. all the blood isn't nice either.

first day of classes but i don't have to be in for a few hours. instead, im up and listening to neil diamond wondering where in the world im gonna come up with tuition money this morning. ugh, within the next few hours, maybe it'll come. i promised God i wouldn't worry so im just gonna dance to Kung Fu Fighting now and then sleep some more.

january 6, 2002


im stuck in the city. no phone, no car, no money, and lots of beautiful snow, but i have a computer. so here it is, the begining anyway. there's lots i still need to add but i just couldn't wait to put it up.

ive done a lot of thinking over the past few days. i pretty much already know who left the message in my guestbookl; i apologized and am now just waiting for them to get back to me. im not a vain person but im sorry for coming off that way. if you're reading this, i would really like to talk to you and i'll even buy you a drink for your time.

starting tomorrow morning i'll have health insurance again, yippee! im kinda scared though, cause it means i have no excuse to put off some checkups im really terrified of. there is one in particular im dreading. this is something that has bothered me for years now, so if it is what i think it is, ive done myself a lot of damage by waiting. not only that, but the test itself is horribly painful. im gonna cry when the day comes. hopefully, im just a big hypochondriac, but i don't know... i really, really, really don't want to go in for this.

ugh, im not gonna think about that right now. im in a good mood. i LOVE my playlist im listening to!! it's got YMCA, Kung Fu Fighting, Macho Man, lots of Radio Head from Kid A, Toadies, Soul Coughing, Cyndi Lauper, and all my fave songs- even some neil diamond. ha! yeah, im a loser, but it doesn't really bother me.

january 4, 2002

"In the first place your poetry is down right pitiful. It seems to me that your pride and vanity have now reached the level of narciscism, which may be the reason for writing this @#%$!. Are you in some way trying to impress people with your words, thoughts and form that you might think is original, well there is nothing artistically original in your poetry and if you think art is an expression of the self the aesthetes would tell you, you have much to learn in the field of art."

gee, thanks. i love the way you hide behind a guestbook instead of telling this to my face. here's another poem:

kiss haiku
if i ever lose
my lips, i'll wish i'd have kissed
a lot more often

Enjoy!! in the mean time, i feel really sorry that you found my poetry to be offensive to you and that you allow yourself to be a vessel through which satan will try to decieve or batter down believers. im stronger than that. i hope you have a really awesome weekend anyway because maybe you're having a worse day than i was. if you yourself ever write a poem, i would love to read it. if you want to talk more about my poetry, please feel free to approach me about it. i love you, anyway.

today sucks. i want to go back to bed and not even deal with it. a horrible anticipation is sitting within me waiting for this unknown thing. i hate that the things i love most are so far apart that i can't protect them. my fave sibling is in germany, my bro is in VA, my other sis is at home alone right now, and my parents are in TX. and most other people just suck. they're pissing me off.

i hate dreams where im chasing something and can never obtain my desire. it was only a dream but it left me with this weird feeling this morning. this awkward, conscious realization of how unreal things are. maybe i just haven't fully woken up. i have an unsettling feeling that something is going to happen today. even in the shower i prayed protection over everyone i love just in case. i feel out of place today and scared at how unpredictable everything in our life is. i hope im just getting sick and that's where these things are coming from. on the way to work this morning i was listening to moby and now i have two lines running through my head, i don't know if they're the actual lyrics, but i always sing them as, "oh, lord, my troubles so hard. don't nobody know my troubles but God" and "why does my heart feel so bad?" i want to feel better. maybe i should rejoice in the fact that i was never good at prophecy. and of course, there was the sex with a refrigerator dream. dreams are nothing, but this feeling is still with me.

randall wrote this really awesome essay about love and marriage just a few hours ago. i feel bad that he's put in the middle of so much when it comes to people he loves like his family, but i think God has him there for a reason. he has the most awesome ability to talk to people and actually be heard. im usually too shy to do that; i wanna be more like him.

there's this shampoo that smells exactly like cinnamon buns and has the recipe for them on the bottle. im gonna make some. and stop worrying about what the days hold.

january 3, 2002

today's let's share moment:
im just barely getting over being so sore from dancing. it was mostly my thighs so whenever i would squat or try to sit, it was horrible on my muscles. the worst thing was going potty. the seats are so low that the pain just increases the closer i get to the potty, so i was pretty much going as far down as i could, then bracing myself with my arms and dropping onto the seat. im glad we could share this moment.

im still thinking about last night. it was so weird the way everything worked out. i had really serious convos with two good friends online, then i went to have lunch with randall. while we were eating in the screen room, we talked about the first time we met which is awesome cause we remember like every detail. my friend mike had invited him to come to my house for bible study. later as we drove back to the apartment we started talking just about stuff. it's weird cause i have been so good about not thinking about us, not analyzing, and not expecting anything. so last night was a complete suprise. but i think it was much better that way. im still in some kind of weird shock state where i run the entire night over and over in my mind. i had lots, lots, lots of wonderful conversation last night. i think that it's because God led my words and i love that i have people in my life who trust me with things no one else knows.

randall is sick. some flu/cold thing. im thinking his apartment has something to do with it and here's why. two days ago i was drinking from a clean glass when i noticed mold at the bottom AFTER i had drank all my water. boys are bad about cleaning, but when the girlfriend hates cleaning, too, you've got a serious medical emergency waiting to happen.

january 2, 2002

im so happy right now. i love the way stuff works out without our knowledge. i love that the most horrible shit ever can eventually come around to make you stronger and to help someone else in that same situation. i love that one night last fall i met this girl and in that moment i KNEW God himself put her in my life for a reason. and i love that tonight more than ever, i saw why. even when i think i'll never survive and never recover from so many horrible experiences, plans are working themselves out to prove me wrong.

i also just had this weird dream about randall's best friend coming over and me hiding my underwear before he saw them.

ok, so i just found out that i am about $1,500 short for a tuition payment due on monday. i can't wait to see where this money will come from.

thinking about a lot. haven't spent the night at home in over a week, school starts again soon, creating a portfolio for some art schools, and trying not to think about some stuff randall has been saying lately. this is the only relationship i've put forth a big effort on to not analyze it. i don't like what happened all the other times. when we talked about marriage and blah blah blah- nothing. im refusing to think seriously and im pushing these thoughts away. but it's getting hard. im afraid to assume anything so early on when i see what's happened before in my 2 year relationships. this is making my tummy hurt. too much thinking and fighting my brain.

there are a lot of things i want to change about myself. it's not that i don't like who i am, or that im not some kind of decent person already, but i want to be better and i don't want that to be some kind of admission of self-loathing. i want to care less about the things of this world. and i want to work harder toward my convictions. i didn't make a new year's resolution, though, cause i don't believe in making that commitment for something like just another day that happens to begin a new year. if i decide to make such a big change, i want to do it because i feel it. oh well, i need to read my book now. it's called, The One. some christian book about finding your soul mate, i know that's totally cheesy, but im really tired of making mistakes in the guys i date and i don't feel like doing that again, esp. with randall.

oh, and i love this pic. this guy is so awesome.

this is all i did yesterday, well, for the majority of it anyway. slept until late. then i went to see randall's stepmommy who is the nicest person in the whole world. she got me presents even though we'd only met once before. and she gave me coookies and pizza and 4 glasses of juice. then my mom called, mad cause i didn't wish her happy new year. i've been with randall for one whole week now. i may have spent one night at home, i can't remember... i like staying in the city more than i like going back home.

i went to the grocery store about an hour ago. if i ever go shopping with you, do NOT let me carry anything that will break or spill. when i was at the club yesterday, i totally knocked this long islan iced tea out of randall's hand and onto the platform where people were dancing when this weird dude tried to dance with me. then today at the grocery store, i was juggling two jugs of juice and milk when one slipped. luckily, it was made of plastic, unluckily, it still busted its cap off and totally exploded everywhere. it even got on my face. randall was all like, "dude! what happened?! you've got one hand free even!" well, duh, i just dropped the apple juice; of course its empty! it was funnie. the cashier totally didn't care and didn't even bother calling a cleanup on it. he said, "someone will see it eventually" i think that's all i broke today. except the roll of film i accidently exposed. ooops.

january 1, 2002

finally out of bed and showered. i contemplated getting trashed last night, but im glad some people convinced me otherwise. my boots were hard enough to dance in. i had tons of fun. at this very moment we're waiting for the pizza to get here. randall is out of cash from buying the drinks and tickets last night/this morning so he's dancing for the pizza money right now. ha!! not like that, though. the past week or so, especially when randall was gone, ive had a lot of opportunities to meet his friends and im really impressed. i am continually impressed by the people he keeps close to him, by the relationships he has with his family even through divorces and new marriages. i like seeing him interact even just with strangers. he's such an awesome person. ok. our pizza is here now. mmmmmm...

started the day at noon. randall and i went to his best friend's house where we ate, watched a movie, played hacky sack (and i participated in my first hacks ever), and even played the tamborine for three guitarists and a drummer. then we put on our nerdiest outfits (i had on these awesome plaid butt pants and my school t-shirt from first grade. yeah, it still fits.) and went out to eat. we had tickets for a club and got there around 10pm. there was almost noone there and so i didn't want to go dancing, but after a long island iced tea, i didn't stop dancing til 2am. and there is my new years for you. im absolutely tired and will barely lug myself over to the bed now. oh, my new year started out with champagne and lots of kissing randall.
Happy New Years =)