old journals
see how i never learn?

Tuesday, October 07, 2003
so often i just want to cease living. i dont want to kill myself or have to be in a horrible accident, i just want to stop being here. i hate this all. i dont mind the work, that isnt what's wrong, if anything i enjoy myself when im there but everything else is disgusting. i like my job. i like doing my hair and makeup every night and wearing cute outfits that i make myself. i love the beautiful girls and the guys that think you're the hottest thing in the world. i like the locker room and the bar. i love the stage. that place where you're the center of attention and everyone in the room takes a break from everything else to watch you. the freedom you have to move freely and passionately in any way the music moves you. its a place where every woman is seen for her beauty. there are light and dark girls, big and small, exotic and goth but every one of them is amazing. it's a beautiful place and the only bit of beauty i see in my life right now. maybe i like it so much cause it's a fantasy. it's my substitution of any real escape.
i had nothing better to do @9:43 PM

Thursday, October 02, 2003

he is constantly holding over my head the fact that he pays $225 more a month for the home than i do so i do all the cooking cleaning and laundry. lately ive been so tired of his bitching that i told him i would pay the extra amount to shut him up. when i came in last night i asked to see the bills. he bitched for 30 min and reluctantly showed them to me after saying they were thrown out and not to worry about it. i pay EXACTLY HALF OF ALL BILLS. including his phone and cable. um, wait a minute. so i contribute MORE to the home than he does?? he was so mad at me he didnt speak to me for a while. i hate being kept in the dark and im finally taking initiative for where my money goes and so forth. and he discourages me!! he said he was taking care of me that i shouldnt worry and that it was his job to handle bills and money and its sad that i have to be so careful about not being FUCKED by this man i love and live with. lesson learned. he was also mad that im opening my own bank account today and not telling him how much i make anymore. im tired of him yelling at me about where the money i dont give him goes. i guess i dont feel so violated since ive been doing a little sneaking myself and having some fun. Secrets Abound.
i had nothing better to do @9:51 AM

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

went to a party on sunday night and met a lot of people. this one guy named Grandma showed us his house where he had this shrine and the walls were painted in each room colors like pink, and mint green. there were giant doilies on everything and in the back, a pigeon house and a chicken. he was wearing exactly what a stylish grandma from a british sitcom would be wearing with a lovely black hat to top it all off. as i made my way up the narrow staircase to his bedroom i momentarily turned just in time to catch an unknown man in his underwear looking at me then closing his door quickly. it was a lot of fun and i came back monday afternoon. work was really slow yesterday.

i was really mad at the boy today and yelled many profanities. im just so tired of giving him all my money and him wanting to be aware of where it all goes. fuck him. ive spent $15 on myself and i hate going around watching him say, i need new clothes then buying all this stuff at the Gap and buying a new hard drive and planning for an ipod and smoking and drinking every single night. i feel like shit and like i dont deserve anything the way he and my mom talk to me. i wish i could show them how i feel but they dont listen. i feel like ghetto trash with unstyled hair with roots growing out and i know this sounds stupid but where i work you have to look nice. i make my own clothes to save money and paint my own damn nails. i hate sitting around hearing him say i need to give him more money when he just smoked three bags in one week.
i had nothing better to do @11:22 AM

Friday, September 26, 2003

so i finally had to deal with a really creepy guy at work. and my mom thinks im mad at her. im about to go to this concert with someone i met at the club. i kinda just want to go to sleep tonight. and i want the boy there with me but he has a friend in for the weekend. oh well.
i had nothing better to do @10:15 PM

i probably wouldnt be this gassy if i didnt eat so many chili dogs. having money again is cool. i havent bought much so far except for new mascara and beads a few weeks ago. i've only spent $15 on myself in like two months. thats much better than at the beginning of the summer when i spent $2,000 in one week. man, spending a lot is fun... my mom has called 7 times in the past 12 hours but ive ignored each one. i havent really been taking any calls from anyone and the last she and i talked we had a fight. wow, ive got a lot to do before work. one of the boy's friends is coming up for the weekend and i havent cleaned even the room he'll sleep in. i gotta start getting ready for work in an hour, too. be easier sober.
i had nothing better to do @11:03 AM

Thursday, September 25, 2003

work was cool. i made some mula, got drunk on chocolate cake shots, got some lap dances, had fine tanned ass in my face, got bought dinner, had an all-out fight at the Popeyes chicken with some MUTHA who was all like, "you just lucky it wunt me drivin!" you're just lucky you live in some ghetto where no one gives a shit for your poor grammer and that you'll never know what it is to fail at some good job where you must speak well cause you're fucking shit and no one wants some uneducated, popeye chicken-eating. retard on their payroll.

i farted on the boy this morning.
i had nothing better to do @9:50 PM

i hate when you can only take a scalding hot shower or a below freezing one. i picked both and just switched every 56 seconds. it made shaving horrible. i get to go in to work again but i think im getting clumsy. i noticed that i slipped a few times on tuesday and i think my feet shrank too much for my shoes. im like getting lean and i guess your feet follow pursuit. whoa. saved by the bell is on.
i had nothing better to do @12:04 PM

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

i walked out on the bank interview today. as i sat in the lobby i knew i wouldnt be happy there and it was so depressing. when i went in they had me start the paper work but the last thing you had to do was sign this form that talked about the conditions of employment and any offers made but i couldnt comply with one or two of them so i handed it to the secretary and walked out saying i wouldnt be able to do it. had a fight with my mom and i havent talked to her yet.

im having my fave drink which is vodka, sugar, water, and lemon juice. mmmmm.... and last night i had three chocolate cake shots which were really good. this guy bought them for me and tipped me like 40-50 bucks. fall always makes me feel slower and remeniscent. it could also have been the drive this morning when i was listening to coldplay. it just sucks to know how everything passes. cause you dont want the good things to ever leave.
i had nothing better to do @8:50 PM

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

yesterday all i kept thinking was, I LOVE MY JOB!! and today i got an offer for an interview from some bank. ugh. i would only make a couple thousand more but that would be taken for taxes anyway. poo. i hate leaving all those girls now cause they're all so nice and so much fun and the club is like the nicest ever. it was voted the city's best for high rollers. a great menu, great sound and lights, and "girls that stepped right from the covers of Cosmo." i'll wait to mourn until im actually offered a job from the bank, i guess.
i had nothing better to do @9:02 AM