this is my personal journal and i put all sorts of stuff up and talk about whatever the hell i want to. it may be offensive, i may talk about you, you may leave.
i planned a trip and invited people and they booked the hotels and everything and then i blew them off. what a bitch.
i may have lost the last of my friends.
in better news, i was somewhat productive today- but i guess i needed a reason to validate working only one day of the last 9. this is not good.
poo.
i had nothing better to do @3:30 AM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
SYLVIA BROWNE is coming to town!!!! yay!!!!
today is a lazy day. aint done shit. still unshowered and in pj's. oh well. hopefully i get off my ass soon and at least do SOMETHING. theres a lot i meant to do today: library
bank craft store laundry
jewelry the litter box (for the first time in a week...)
get all the cat hair off my crap! cat baths
i had nothing better to do @3:33 PM
Saturday, March 18, 2006
gorgeous day. all i have to do now is drag my butt out of the warm cuddly goodness of my bed. i need to burn a cd or something of driving music for today. i've been listening to just one song over and over and i think it's time to switch away from One Lonely Visitor. maybe AC/DC's Highway to Hell. that is my new fave song. i had nothing better to do @11:03 AM
i was really productive last night and made a skirt, matching choker, and a few necklaces plus a belly chain someone ordered. this weekend i need to put together a package of totes for some store in san diego; gotta get that contract sent out too. i think my hormones are going insane. thats all i can really figure. plus i used to be able to wash my hair only 2 or 3 times a week (it touches my butt- you're really not supposed to wash it a lot) and now i have to do it almost every day. i did get 4 inches cut off though and it's stopped dreading so much. and even though my emotions are still an insane roller coaster (i was dancing and singing to the radio this morning and within 10 min i was pissed off) i have managed to lose a total of 15 lbs since that horrifying month when i realized id gained 20 lbs.
ive been blowing off people i have plans with consistently the last two weeks. i sorta feel like a bitch, but i dont think i want to be around people. i feel like i wouldnt know how to act and it would be awkward. sitting at home in front of the tv and comp just always sounds so much more appealing. yesterday i even went for a drive by myself after dropping off the recyclables; i drove around the outskirts of downtown where i live and ended up at the lake. i used to love going there but for some reason rarely got to or it turned into such a huge fight. right before sunset, i pulled up to the pier and took a ton of photos of the water and birds. there was a huge cloud of black smoke from across the freeway and after the wind became too battering i decided to see if i could find the fire. the closer i got though, i more people i saw with the same idea- plus it was rush hour. once i got to the barricade of cop cars turning people away i decided id visit another of my fave places, the thrift store!!! i love that i can buy a moment's happiness with 3 bucks there. i found the best fabric that used to be a tablecloth, a vintage apron that had the prettiest purple roses and a ruffled fringe, and this weird tupperware thing that my mom has for my pepperoncini's.
my kitties are all snuggled into the bed with me, so i should try and fall asleep soon. i want to spend as much time as possible tomorrow wearing my sunglasses so that means getting my ass up BEFORE NOON.
i had nothing better to do @1:29 AM
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
another day that makes me wonder why i do this. i make more money selling jewelry sometimes than at my actual job. i know i should concentrate full time on my business but im just too scared. pussy.
i have this idea- if you dont make money, you should at least make drinks. well, i had like 9 jack and cokes eating only at the beginning of the day. so i guess in the end- i didnt go home empty (handed). i dont understand the point sometimes. i mean, i did it cause its fun and it still kinda is except for those days i go in and its like- if i dont really need this, why do i come in? then it becomes a chore and probably adds to my problem of getting out of bed.
i had nothing better to do @12:32 AM
Monday, March 13, 2006
i cant leave the house. i feel like such a bitch but i keep blowing people off. i dont think id know what to do or say. i cant be in public or with people i know. i just cant. im not going to work even. i just want to stay at home with my cats and my computer. i dont think i could handle anything else. i wish id just go to a bar or something but theres a paralyzing fear beginning to grow within me. i had nothing better to do @8:59 PM
Sunday, March 12, 2006
ive actually been doing alright keeping up with cleaning. but it hasnt even been a week so we'll see. today i am ok. making pizza and drinking a yummy frappuccino. the only thing i cant get to is excercising. i really need to start doing that again. i walked two flights the other day and was panting. eeps! but at least i am cooking and doing daily light cleaning. excercise and art will come back to me too. hopefully soon. im falling behind and getting nasty tax letters from the state. letters about taxes that werent reported way back in nov. hopefully i get a burst of energy today. for now im planted on the couch i had nothing better to do @4:10 PM
Saturday, March 11, 2006
down,down,down,down. im so down. i had nothing better to do @12:48 AM
people always make jokes about strippers; that they're stupid or subpar human beings. the truth is, the guys that come in are the dumbasses. wouldnt you want to be around an idiot that dishes out $500 just to talk for a few hours? any guy who comes in looking for a girlfriend is socially challenged. you pay for my fucking time; im not into you. im into your wallet.
any asshole that comes in and thinks he knows me is so wrong. i hate the guys that say i'll never leave this city. like just cause they got stuck here, i will too. this place is nowhere. there is nothing here. im far more educated than most of my customers. today, i just want to spit in all their faces.
i had nothing better to do @12:44 AM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
oh my lord i am so craving a super nintendo with mario worlds 1,2,3, and that fourth one that was never released here i had nothing better to do @11:38 PM
started taking anit anxiety pills on sunday night. the last two days ive made a lot of money, paid rent, went the bank, went shopping, made phone calls, made a necklace, and mailed out christmas gifts that have just been sitting here.
what a difference. also, i havent been sleeping more than 9 hours a night. im on such a roller coaster. hopefully i stay up with this supplement.
i had nothing better to do @9:18 PM
Sunday, March 05, 2006
he's so fucking mean. i hate him. i wish i could kill him and not go to hell for it. he wont leave. he wont fucking leave.
:(
he blows me off all the time then doesnt call and comes home at 5am. he kicked a door in the other day. he always breaks my shit. at bars he leaves me all alone then gets mad if some guy comes over. he comes home wasted asking me stupid questions thinking i fucked someone. i cant even move a blanket while he's gone without him thinking it was because someone was sleeping here. i cant change my clothes to night clothes without him asking if some guy came all over my other outfit. i want him to die. i want him to get drunk and kill himself so i dont have to do it. he has been promising to move since dec. he always has some reason for not being able to. right now its that 100 bucks isnt enough to drive 9 hours with. i hate him so much. all i do is sleep to get away from him. he says im mental and crazy and maybe im just a sub-par human and this really is what i deserve. maybe i cant complain because i do lock him out at night soemtimes. but i cant deal with a drunk who coemes home at 6am. am i really in the wrong? i hate that he has me questioning my own self worth. i want to dissappear. i wish i could sleep until he's gone.
and i guess i have to keep letting him in cause all his stuff is here. but he hasnt paid rent in two months and owes me 500 that he borrowed a year ago. how can i get rid of him? and once he's gone i'll be all alone. i have only one friend and she's out of town. no family here. im afraid im about to break down. i cant even pay bills right now. i have the money but im unable to go to the bank or find the checkbook. i cant do anything. i cant even make food. im so tired. im so sad. im so sad.
:(
i cant do anything. im losing something. some part of a person that gets you up. i go to bed at 2am and dont wake up before 5pm. i am breaking down. i am unable to function. i am running out of life. im so tired. im so tired. im so sad.
i had nothing better to do @6:35 PM
Thursday, March 02, 2006
been in bed for two straight days. im so tired. winter sucks. i had nothing better to do @6:15 PM
