its been a good night considering. im glad to hjang out with peoiple not looking to fuck me
even as a customer. i spent $100 easily, but it was worth it i had nothing better to do @3:58 AM
Friday, February 24, 2006
man, my emotions are insane lately. i got a postcard reminder in the mail from the post office about the availabitlity of stamps and all the places you can get them now and i started crying. i just felt this weird sadness. almost anything can make me cry nowadays. i feel like im slowly reaching some massive explosion. i used to think i might implode but i am now absolutely sure than when that last wire is tripped, its all going OUTWARD. shards of painful memories and anger will drive themselves deeply into those around me and i also imagine there will be some goo; the sadness will be a dark goo. my emotions have taken on such insane plummets that i swear i thought i was actually pregnant for a while. i cant believe i cried because you can get postage almost anywhere.
im getting slides and applications ready for upcoming art shows so im being more prodictive than i was when i left anyway. im still not where id like to be but im getting there. i feel like there is so much i want to change but theres always something that seems out of my control stopping me or at least postpoing. maybe i make these things up. if i really really wanted something maybe i would be able to overcome. im looking for excuses. i never understood before how people could be afraid of success or be the only obstacle in their own way but lately i do. i cant believe sometimes i actually say to myself, "if i hadnt chosen this i could be finishing up my residency after med school right now." as if being a Dr would be EASIER. then i find it odd that i would be willing to take on that challenge and not the one before me. what is it about what i do that is more difficult? maybe because there are certain life paths that seem guaranteed for "happiness" and where i am is a path less traveled- or one that few actually reach the end of.
i'm gonna go rent a movie. i might be thinking too much.
i had nothing better to do @6:07 PM
Thursday, February 23, 2006
2.22.06 4:30 pm at the airport- no free access
So apparently you are not allowed to bring live ammo with you in your checked luggage and so the airlines now have a permanent record on me. You know, I never had anything bad on my record as a child or even in high school but as an adult… I have been less than a model citizen. Marked for life, I am.
Im sad to leave. Of course im already dreading returning.
i had nothing better to do @12:48 AM
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
i was actually kind of productive this week. im sending totes to a San Diego boutique, applying for a NC art fair, and am talking to a prospective business partner in New Orleans. wheee!! warm weather and family just puts me in a good mood. i hate living up north; im not even that fond of the people.
so im waiting with all my bags packed until we leave for the airport. i do miss my kitties, though, so im sort of looking foward to going back. and i miss all my stuff. but thats it.
i had nothing better to do @12:01 PM
Monday, February 20, 2006
Your Astrological Court Card
Queen of Wands ?Astrological Sign: Leo ?Element: Fire
Personality: affectionate, generous, loyal, fun-loving, dramatic, impulsive, honest, proud, egotistical ? ?Most suitable vocations: confidant, organiser, entertainer, actress, artist, sportswoman, anything to be number one? ?Most suitable lover or partner: Knight of Swords or Knight of Swords– Gemini, Libra, Aquarius
Your Personality Court Card ?Element: Water
Personality: magnetic, sexual, complex, spiritual, in control, overpowering, intense? ?Most suitable vocations: psychic, clairvoyant, detective, physician, stockbroker, dentist, counsellor, actress? ?Most suitable lover or partner: Knight of Pentacles – Capricorn, Virgo, and Taurus
i had nothing better to do @9:47 PM
i hate losing posts; it always make me stay away for a while before i write again.
i am very much enjoying my stay with my family. i have done a TON of shopping and am so happy i brought a huge empty suitcase. im even going home with new pots and pans. and i bought a vintage suitcase a couple days ago that is in amazingly great shape. im gonna miss the nice weather and just never being alone. i love being in a household of people im comfortable with. going back home is kinda sad. i hate the crime of a city and the fact that im so far away from anyone i really care about.
once i get back i have a long to-do list to tackle. a lot of it im actually excited about because its been awhile since ive been motivated to do anything but get out of bed to pee. i also have a lot of money im gonna need to earn since im a couple weeks away from my consultation with the plastic surgeon. im still not 100% but meeting with the Dr should help me make a more concrete decision.
not much else going on. ive just been trying to rest and prepare for a period of activity. ive been thinking a lot about moving. there are so many great opportunites that i keep seeing just not where i live; i think im missing out.
i had nothing better to do @8:22 PM
Thursday, February 16, 2006
sitting at the airport. im actually early this time and not rushing to stow away my oversized carry on in an already boarded plane while out of breath from running through the terminal. were it up to me i would never be late. but oh well. i have new butt pants and im wearing thsoe right now- and they are the most comfortable pants i have ever worn. butt pants are the pants in which your ass looks the best. they're those new gaucho style and made our of t-shirt material. all the shoe shiners and baggage dudes here obviously like them cause they all keep saying they want to go to NC with me. and for once i wasnt selected for that additional security check
right after i wrote that last line blood splattered all over the computer. nothing like a heavy flow nose bleed to start off an adventure. so i dug out a tissue and one handedly packed up my little concourse work station and camped out in the bathroom for a while. better now than on the plane. flight attendents dont like to see blood as ive learned. ive bled in so many places it rarely phases me anymore. i just feel bad for new boyfriends who are uncomfortable at first and of course i do get embarassed still when it bleeds in fancy shmancy restaurants and lucky for me its not like i go to one too often- but i did about a month ago. right after the appetizers (might have been the wasabi that started it) i dabbed my finger to my nose, brought my finger down into my lap and checked to see if it was red or clear. i inconspicuously verified my suspiscion. i was in the bathroom for 35 min that night. i text msged my date to have the remainder of the meal, which had not yet even arrived, boxed. all the snooty women that came in looked kinda pissed that i was hanging out- probably because i could hear a woman throwing up and a couple doing what sounded like coke.
oh well. taking advantage of free internet. we start boarding in 10 min. i hope my nose is ok but Lord knows its bled in worse places. like when i was in middle school and the entire student body had gathered in the gym to see a performing arts group from england do a rendition of animal farm. i was sitting in the very top row- my back against the wall in the very middle of the bleachers. and it bled. no tissues, no notebook paper. the whole gym parted like the red sea as i made my way down, dripping on pepple's shoes and heading toward the mass of teachers that had gathered at the bottom and were reaching their arms up to me in dramatic hooey.