i had a dream about randall last night, i'm tired of thinking about him. it's been almost exactly two years.
my flight leaves tomorrow morning and i will experience about a 40 degree change. i dont know what my new years eve plans will be yet but i know there will be no work party. they had a lot of problems last year so theyve decided to have a party while open which is so fucking stupid. i dont want to party with a bunch of stupid men i care nothing for. i want to be comfortable and around friends, not smut im trying to hustle money out of. plus, 8 inch heels are not what i want to be wearing. i think i'll go in until 8pm and then leave with a nice buzz going on and some drinking cash.
i just talked to the boy who was pissed off because the car place he takes his car to be worked on by all his stoned friends has still not fixed the problem. well, duh. not only is it 45 min away and filled with the smoke of a thousand joints but they never get it right. the only successful venture they've ever accomplished is an oil change- and taking his money. being surrounded by morons sucks.
big changes suck. i'll be breaking up with someone i've been with for a year and a half, quitting my job, and moving states away in just a couple of months. even though im leaving for better things, (warmer weather, more jobs, nice boys, my family) im gonna be crying my eyes out for a while. but i guess sylvia browne was right in her appearnace today on Montel Williams when she said, sometimes God just wants us to be alone. You cant be happy with anyone if you arent happy with yourself. something like that. and something about losing yourself in another person. like, in the past your association was always dependant on who you were with but in this more independent age you need to stand alone and identify yourself with yourself. which i guess is very relevent in this case. i hope i can do that while still having semi-regular sex, though.
i had nothing better to do @4:23 PM
Monday, December 27, 2004
i got so much stuff for christmas from my family i dont know how im gonna take it all home. i dont really have to though if i decide to move here. im tired of dating a loser. he lost his job 6 months ago and has applied to only one which he didnt get. he drinks every day and stays out til noon most nights. he's getting fat and is a pessimist. and i hate the apt i have. it's too small for two people but he doesnt give me an answer as to whether or not we should get a different apt together. i want to kill him. i tried to push him down the stairs once when he came home really drunk. i never would have been caught doing it. i dont want to be with him. i could do so much better. i give him so many chances every week and he always dissapoints me. he says he'll be home by 4am and never is. he says he'll call and doesnt. he says he'll come in to see me at work and doesnt. how do you kick someone out who has no money or family nearby? i was ready to just let my lease lapse and move myself out but for whatever reason i extended my lease another two months. and he ALWAYS accuses me of being with his friends! if a friend doesnt answer his calls, he asks me whats going on and if there's something i want to tell him. once i was so pissed i pulled his friend aside and told him my boyfriend thought we were fucking. they got into a big fight. he gets so messed up. when he comes home he's been drinking for 10 hours and is coming down from the coke. then we fight for a couple of hours, i go to work, come home, and he has to leave again. i've been so mad at him for coming home and waking me up, hovering over me in the bed asking who ive been fucking, threatening to send my panties in for DNA tests to see, and fighting for hours. the cops have been called on us. i called the cops once to take him away. ive ripped clumps of hair from his head and left scars on his back from bites. he's slapped me, spit in my face, and punched me a couple of times. i want him to come home drunk one more time so i can push him down the stairs. he'll break his neck at the bottom. and it'll be over.
i havent cheated on him. once when i was really drunk almost a year ago a friend kissed me. and once one of his friends told me he wanted to be with me but i pulled back and left; he was too drunk to know what he was doing.
the good: he cooks well and cleans my apt. he used to be a good fuck, back when we actually went to bed together and he wanted to be with me. we used to hang out all the time together. in a city where i was so new he showed me around. but lately he just isnt the same. and when i see that stupid face i just want to bash it into something. i had such a good handle on my anger before him. and now that im hitting him, i dont know that we'll stop. he makes me doubt my ability to control that and it makes me not want kids. he makes me feel ugly when he has all this porn and buys these magazines but wont even fuck me, his own girlfriend. i know im pretty, damn, that is my job after all, but he fills me with doubt and i cry every day from something or other. why the fuck am i still in that horrible city with such a resemblance to hell?
i had nothing better to do @10:32 PM
Friday, December 24, 2004
had a crazy dream last night. i dressed up as a man and was in this school. one by one i got girls to follow me to my office where they would blow me for an A in the classes i taught. i had a penis for some reason. the other professors would just shake their heads as we walked back to my desk and the girls went right to work knowing what to do. after each girl though i would wake up really horny but then pass out again and have the same dream with someone else. this is my first sex dream where i wasnt even a woman.
we opened our presents tonight and everything i got was great but out brother refused to show up. he partied somewhere 7 hours away instead of coming the three hours to our parents house. it made my mom cry and she gave away some of his presents.
i had nothing better to do @11:05 PM
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
not that i need the secret service or whoever on my ass but for the poor people who died sitting down to their meal today and the countless others whose lives were taken in vain, the president should be killed while sitting down to take a shit. stupid-ass mother fucker.
i had nothing better to do @1:54 AM
dude, you know who i love? yeah, in those Quizno's Subs commercials they have those "sponge monkies" and they go, they got a pepper bar!. that is so cool. They're like hapmsters with googley eyes and big gummy mouths.
i've been drinking. im reading all the personal ads on Craig's List and bidding on leather pants on Ebay. I'm also considering contacting this girl about taking pics of me for this Suicide Girls website. It's not even 1am but everyone's asleep. Back home, everyone is just getting dressed to go out for the night. it's been hard going to bed at 5am and waking up at 10am. my family is crazy; they wake up at 7am!!
i just farted
The thing about this place is that everyone is so conservative. this is not only the South, but this town revolves around the local seminary. i went to the post office today and everyone was like in keds and sweater sets. like they all shop at petite sophisticate. the women all had straight shoulder length hair and straight cut bangs. i bet i could really corrupt some people around here, if i didnt shy away because of these immense feelings of not fitting in. i dont know why people want to be that way; do they even enjoy sex?
and speaking of getting laid, i am so horny.
i had nothing better to do @1:20 AM
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
whenever i visit my family i find myself heavily criticized for the way i dress and act; one of the more common comments is: i know we taught you manners. but just because you were taught something doesnt neccessarily mean you should include it into your belief system. i mean, that's how we got nazis. i listen, disect, test, and then decide. sure, people told me not to burp and fart in public, but i chose to not include that into who i am. and that's what makes me special- i have a freaking brain and use it.
that'd be cool to be on MADE and be turned into, like, a mega-stripper. pole classes, boobs, and all that.
i had nothing better to do @7:19 PM
i just had this bad dream that a friend killed himself. it was horrible going to his room as his mom put a few things together for me to take and i tried not to cry in front of her. it was such a helpless feeling and i couldnt believe he didnt come to us. but i havent even seen todd in like a year and a half. i prefer dreaming about sex.
I have a lot of work to do but i dont know that i'll get to it anytime soon. i decided to represent myself in a bankruptcy and i finally got everything done so all i have to do now and sit and wait for the official discharge to come. yeah! bye bye 30k. i need to get a nice connection in my apt but i dont even know if im gonna stay where i am. i dont like the apt; its too small for the two of us but i dont know that i can move down south. i would miss the club so much and i always make bad decisions based on my boyfriends of the time. i also really need to redo the site.
well, its noon so i should shower and have some food. im so hungry, it must suck to be anorexic.
i had nothing better to do @11:59 AM
Monday, December 20, 2004
work is crazy. it's like a soap opera only everyone's in thongs. more than just the girls who are constantly living through their own mini-dramas of "am-i-pregnant"and "i cant stand my boyfriend's guts" are the guys that come in. bmw dealers, lawyers, and retirees galore. makes me not want to be married when i see that they all have wedding rings yet try to proposition us like common whores. if they only knew im not interested in them, just the contents of their wallets. in real life, i wouldn't even say hi to them.
i had nothing better to do @1:32 PM