i look so good today i almost dont want to shower. apparently my hair reaches its peak at the third day after a washing. even the guy at the Family Dollar said, "damn, baby girl, you are shining today. and you smell sooo good." he then took this little flashlight and shined it on me. i had a ton to say today but i just got told that i need to run an errand. i love my hair so much.
i had nothing better to do @5:43 PM
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
he comes home at 6am, early for him, so drunk he's tripping all over stuff and falling to the ground. i dont understand how he drives home every night with no seat belts, a crack on the windsheild, no insurance and so piss drunk. he's a good person but with a horrible addiction to drinking i guess.
ive slowly started getting ready to leave. it's gonna suck but i guess i have to do it. this isnt what i want. i usually sleep alone because he's out and then he sleeps until the evening. he keeps saying he loves me and he'll stop but i guess i should focus on the fact that he's been saying that for a long time now. i'm not gonna tell him until everything is set. that way i cant back out and there wont be much he can do to change my mind.
i always come up with lots to do now whenever im alone at night. last night i took a razor to my jeans and after an hour had a really cool looking pair of distressed jeans. i swept and mopped the whole place, vaccumed, did my nails, watch a ton of tv then passed out. i thought about how at any other moment in my life i wouldnt feel so lonely. i thought about columbus a lot lying in bed. the friends i had, my church, and how i never really got over the guy i was dating even though its been two boyfriends and over a year. it depresses me to think about him most of the time. its hard doing the things that have long term yeilds rather than short term benefits. damn, its hard.
and how selfish am i to be thinking, it's almost my birthday and i will probably not get much of anything? my last two birthdays i cried. i gotta get happy. this cool autumn-esque weather puts me in such a weird mood. i feel slow and removed.
i had nothing better to do @3:22 PM
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
so i guess what im doing right now is working to finance a move. there's no way i could live with my parents for more than a few weeks but one of my sisters and i get along well. people think i dont hear what they say or take it to heart but i do and i agree as well as understand how they feel but they dont know what it's like to leave someone you love, even when they arent the right person for you.
i had nothing better to do @3:47 PM
Monday, July 26, 2004
im all allergified right now.
turns out i was pmsing last week which explains a ton. anyway, i got to see sevendust and i got a guitar pick. been having tons of sex dreams and no sex. making lots of jewelry and finally found a store that loves it so even though its consignment i hopes to be making me some money soon. looking for a job. i gotta go my realty place today before i get another eviction notice. ok, im starving so i gotta leave. came in and applied to a couple of jobs like a good girl.
i had nothing better to do @2:57 PM
Thursday, July 22, 2004
hopefully someone pisses me off today and i get the opportunity to hurt them. if i dont get some more advil im gonna kill them.
it feels like i havent gotten anything done since ive been back. im trying to get a job right now even though i dont have a car or phone and as soon as i get some money i want to live all by myself. im tired of his drunk friends crashing over or drinking til 7 in the morning. he's such a loser. he bitches at me to get a job while he's naked and lying in bed. i have been getting my ass out every day to try and do that, stupid-ass moron. and he drinks EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. he lost his last job for being hungover, late, and drinking too much on the job. he says they were just setting him up, but i warned him not to drink before his shifts and not to go in so hungover when he still worked there. piece of shit wont even have money for my birthday present i bet, just like what happened with christmas. but he has PLENTY to buy drinks! i wanna kick his ass. i wanna hurt him really badly and know that he's aware of how stupid he is.
my whole body hurts now. im in a pissy mood.
i had nothing better to do @3:32 PM
Monday, July 19, 2004
got back on thurs night and the flight went really well. i ended up meeting this girl and we both had a few hours to wait before our next flight so we ran into the airport bar and talked for a while over vodka cranberries. we ended up having a ton in common and so we exchanged info. i also had to go through extra security and after having someone closely inspect me from head to toe with a wand i realized that my pants were completely undone but for the top button. then on sat. morning before leaving for his family reunion i ended up waking up with horrible pain. it was so bad and i was so whiny he wanted to take me to the hospital but im glad i refused. at first i thought my appendix might be waiting to burst but now i think it was just gas. hee-hee.
i had nothing better to do @6:21 PM
Thursday, July 15, 2004
im leaving for the airport in one hour and for some reason i feel really nervous. some of it is i hope nothing breaks since in all my years of flying ive only checked my bags once or twice. part of it is missing my family. and then there's the anxiety about what i'll find once i get back. here it is gorgeous, i have so much family and even an old college friend. the area is amazing because i guess there's just more money in this section of town and so it's safer and the malls are huge- plus ive sold so much jewelry just from people approaching me. back north i have no more car or phone and i have to walk to use a computer. plus, i'll be with someone who gets up at 5pm and stays out all night drinking. he says he's stopping it all for me, but dont guys always promise you anything to get you to stay?
my insides are going insane right now. everyone thinks i should live here instead. my sister is even looking into buying a house and wants me to live with her. boys are so easy to come by, i wish i didnt get so attached.
i had nothing better to do @11:36 AM
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
he had the rent money on the FIRST but now, on the 13th i am just now finding out that he has STILL not taken it the two blocks down the street to pay!! now that we have an EVICTION notice he still hasnt walked his ass over to pay! he's lucky im not home because i would be beating him right now. he goes out every night to drink and he cant go out one afternoon to make sure he has a home. he is so dead when i get there. i had nothing better to do @4:17 PM
why i like my body:
if i have to pee in the middle of the night, i have a dream about bathrooms one after another until i wake up and go.
i had nothing better to do @12:43 AM
Monday, July 12, 2004
great, a 72hr eviction notice. im gonna have to search for every last bit of courage to call my landlord tomorrow. it's gonna be soo embaressing. the last time i got one i just left, but this one knows my friends and everything so i feel like a big loser. also, last night my b/f's car died, twice, and has yet to ressurect itself so we are without transportation. i'll be flying home a day early and back into miserable hell. no money, no car, maybe no home and probably dancing to earn that fast cash that flows so freely for the scantily clad.
i'd like to beat something with a big stick and yell out horrible profanities. the past two years just haven't been the best.
i had nothing better to do @7:14 PM
Saturday, July 10, 2004
went out to a club last night where they had $1 well drinks, yeah! played a bunch of pool and eventually tagged up with some really nice people. did some dancing and then we all went to IHOP. people here are so nice. then my sister and i got lost for 2 hours trying to find our way back home. nothing was open except this drive thru where we bought a watermelon milkshake which was good but weird. 45 minutes later we drove by it AGAIN realizing we just made the biggest ass circle! at one point we had to pee so badly we pulled up behind a skating rink and i got out to pee by the dumpster but as i did i started hearing noises. i quickly finished and as i walked around the dumpster i saw someone in a collared shirt like a security gaurd. i was still pretty buzzed so i screamed and ran toward the car and as i did the person started running after me and screaming too! as i bolted into the car and struggled to lock the door my sister rolls over the hood and jumps into the driver seat freaked out. turns out she had gotten down to pee too but when i came around the dumpster i scared her. laughing at our stupidity we realized that in our haste we peed on our shoes. a few circles later we found the road we were looking for and made our way home at about 5am. it was such a fun night! i had nothing better to do @3:49 PM
You are an SECF--Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a hippie. You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you've made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. Your politics are left-leaning, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.
You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don't get mad, you get even.
moving into "slightly aggitated" territory. still considering what joy i would experience if everyone in the world DROPPED DEAD.
i feel kinda guilty later, but man i cant help picturing hurting people when im pissed. punching them and ramming their heads into my knees, tying them up and kicking them a bunch. i also think of a lot of ways to mentally torture them. im kinda scary sometimes. i bet if i was pissed enough i could kill a lot of people if i really had the chance.
i had nothing better to do @6:12 PM
im having a bad day. i have been for the last few hours. im pissed as fuck at my parents and my boyfriend. i had nothing better to do @5:54 PM
i cant believe im 24 and my dad just sent me upstairs to change my belt buckle. he suggested i give it to goodwill and declared it highly inappropriate to be worn out in public. its a naked chic on a motorcycle wearing high heels and it says, "Hard Tail". heh heh. im getting tired of being in my parent's house. their heads poking into the study to tell me i stay up too late, making me wear long sleeves out in public to cover a bruise, and making me do dishes. i love being here and with my family, but NOT in their house. they're the ones who kidnapped me to bring me here. i could be drinking right now or getting a tattoo.
ill just watch tv til im ready to go out i guess. there's no way im changing my belt buckle. 1) it was a gift from my sister 2)there are worse things in life to be concerned about than what these ultra conservative southern baptists think of my belt.
i had nothing better to do @1:20 PM
Thursday, July 08, 2004
man, there's a nice jag for just 2,000 for sale and i really want it! i havent bought my ticket to go back home yet and they're really starting to go up in price; they're twice as much now for the same trip. maybe someone could just buy me the car and i could drive back.... i had nothing better to do @11:22 PM
cats have the weirdest draw to anything that takes attention away from them. if im reading, cooking, beading, sewing- whatever, the cat always has to sit on it. they especially love to do this when you type.
tonight i got into the weirdest cleaning mode. i spent 2.5 hours cleaning my sisters' bathroom and i didnt even finish. i still have to mop, clean the toilet and the shower. it was like i had taken an adderall i was so motivated. it was a horrible mess. i threw away lotions i recognized from 8 years ago. eh. two girls do not need 7 combs. i found unmatched shoes under the sinks and packages of vodka from germany. it was insane. i then gave them a tour and pointed out everything and its place. i will have a cow if after they get ready for work tomorrow there is shit all over the place again.
i should change, i've been wearing my bathing suit all day.
i had nothing better to do @12:54 AM
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
i so wanna be making out right now. im not always dating someone cause im insecure and needy or whatever, i think i just really love the 24/7 lovin'. watching MTV doesnt help. im yelling at jessica to jump nick and shit. on friday i have an appointment with a tattoo shop to show some jewelry, im really hoping they love my stuff and its kinda cheap. i think people would love the charms cause its so much cheaper than buying a new barbell or something every time you wanted something different. for the price of a ring you could buy two or three charms. plus, they're quality materials- silver, crytsal, and gemstones.
i just killed a spider. i wasnt going to till i thought that i wouldnt want to sleep in a room with a spider crawling around cause it might craw up my underwear. that would soo freak me out.
i had nothing better to do @12:43 AM
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
National City is a Mother Fucker and should Die
that is all.
i had nothing better to do @1:42 PM
Monday, July 05, 2004
went to the lake today since it was so warm. afterward we came home and my sister and i made torillas, refried beans, and spanish rice. it was totally awesome. there were aspects of our childhood, like the food that our Huita made us every summer we were there but it was different cause we were the ones making it and sharing glasses of wine as we did. being away from my family ive forgotten pieces of who i am. i have been so happy today. of course, like 6 times a day, we break out into huge wrestling matches of wediges and punches but we're laughing the whole time. there's so much i've been missing. when i think back to my b/f, i know he's prolly at home bitching about something and tonight he'll go out and get really fucked up. every time we've talked since ive been here he has something bad to say. i used to think that life sucked, especially ours, but im seeing that happiness is not dependent on circumstance, but your attitude. im broke, no car, pending law suits against me, no job, crooked teeth- whatever, nothing has really changed since i got here except that i dont think about those bad things. i think he's really bad for me in that way. too pessimistic. i could be in an awesome mood and he brings up the shitty things. he always asks, "why are you so happy?" well, why the fuck shouldnt i be? i had nothing better to do @8:52 PM
Sunday, July 04, 2004
i feel really happy right now and almost try to forget going back north. being with my family is what i needed. i need people to talk to and care about. its a nice house and i want for nothing but it also has to do with being loved and not living with some guy that goes to strip clubs all the time where he's fucked some of the girls. he and i are too different. i dont like the drinking and the drugs. i want a guy who laughs more than 3 times a week. it's easier for me to bring to mind his pissed off face than a smile. i cant stand people who arent happy, they bring me down and if they think their life sucks, well, what does that say about the girlfriend who happens to be a big part of it?
tonight one of my sisters and my brother bought a bunch of fireworks and we all gathered on the porch to set them off. everyone here is so nice. i dont think i can live in the city much longer.
i had nothing better to do @10:46 PM
Saturday, July 03, 2004
i had totally forgotten about this picture
i had nothing better to do @11:34 PM
three people today took down my info and i even got two orders for jewelry just for walking around wearing a necklace. yeah! so im trying to get the site up again soon for business. not much else going on. cept that im really horny. i dont usually go this long without being near a boyfriend. i had nothing better to do @10:28 PM
my mom showed up at my apt after a ten hour drive i was unaware she had taken. i do need the break though and so i left with her for the long trip down to the east coast beaches. its gorgeous here. plus, all my siblings happen to be here at the moment and i really miss being around them. its lonely up north. here every 5 minutes im wrestling someone to the ground for a wedgie, jumping on a back for a piggy back ride, and there's always someone to talk to even if its just to call them stupid.
i miss my b/f though. i love having them. they're better than friends cause of the sex and walking around naked. every 5 min something else reminds me of this missing element. tonight it was 30 min of that guy on some show MTV airs. somehting like wyldboyz. the one dude's ass is what started it. and he has the cutest face id love to kiss all over. *sigh* man, im gonna be here at least 2 weeks.