my parents call twice a week to tell me how drugs are addictive and that i should get a job.
you cannot imagine how utterly fucked up i feel. the oldest of four, i am the most in debt and the most unaccomplished. i thought i was naturally predestined for greatness by reasoning of my birthorder. stupid astro-shit never amounts to anything. can you believe i spend all day in pj's watching tv and eating? i have recently managed to loose some of that weight though by going poor. all my food is bought for me and i dont have a car so i walk a lot. i only walk to get drinks though. its weirrd because although i feel as if im being held captive by this man- like some diamond one would keep in a wall safe, the more im home bound, the uglier i feel but every day almost he comes home telling me his friends are saying im hot, from my rare moment out of the home, and then he gets MAD at me. he kept me up til 9am two nights ago asking over and over if im cheating on him and if id done drugs. the man has honestly (a week ago) stuck his fingers up my nostrils and tasted my boogers for coke cause he thinks im hiding shit from him. im nothing bu truthful. but he never believes me and then im in worse trouble cause he thinks im lying. oh, and i truly hate lawyers now. i mean, maybe it was my own dumb senses but after this one totally said he was gonna help me, he cons me into thinking we're gonna discuss my case and instead tricks me into meeting his wife who FUCKED a guy in the bathroom of the bar in the RITZ CARLTON and then made out with another stranger at the strip club i used to work in. he was obviously pissed- and i was drunk and boiught alll these dances from these girls with HIS money. at least i got dropped out in a Hummer but i forgot my free sweattshirt at the club.
anyway, i have no friends anymore. the only people i call are my mom, grandmother, and my sister. if im out in public, im with my boyfriend and NEVER anyone else. i really really hate my life. im so tired of it. the one time i ever seriously cut some flesh from my wrist the cops showed up. other than that im content to sit at home in from of the tv (antenna, not cable) and get high. sometimes i exzcercise, lately ive read a lot, and although not recently, i used to really make time fly by carving things into my arm. i dont think i could ever really hurt myself because the only knives i have are serrated steak knives and that hurts like fuck. there are faint lines and my dad saw them- i said they were from a cat. since them ive aquired an impressive line of X's. i know im a bitch, some whiny bitch reveling in self pity but i really dont care. my email address is hard to get because im tired of shit head fuckers telling me how stupid i sound and how pathetic i am- yeah, i know, i dont need anyone to tell me. ive kept this blog for 5 years now, and when i started it was all about being funny, but back then life WAS funny. it was awesome. right now, im pissed that my boyfriend returned $450 we stole. i dont believe in karma anymore. if there were such a thing the universe would owe me a million dollar lottery ticket, but it has yet to cash in on all my good karmic bank. and i can only conclude that it doesnt exist. FDIC was only to cash in on the do-good mother fuckers before they caught on. i dont wanna hear about how things will get better cause since i was BORN its been shit and i dont believe its getting better anytime soon. So use that fact that you lost your virginity at age 7 to become a whore, at least ive been offered money to do something. and again, i say, MY COLLEGE DEGREE WAS SUCH A WASTE OF LIFE. not just time and money, of LIFE.
damn, its been too much drinking for so early on a tuesday evening.
i had nothing better to do @6:12 PM
straggeling out onto the sidewalk with a potent tequila buzz is not the typical Tuesday 5pm start to an evening.
the wind is so strong it looks like its snowing as the new white blossoms are torn loose from the trees lining the sidewalks. of course, it was snowing yesterday so you never know. Ohio weather is insane.
i had nothing better to do @5:28 PM
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
the bank took my car away. bah. and the phone company says i owe them $600 which cant be true. im broken out in hives right now cause im supposed to be at the airport tomorrow morning to visit my sister and i havent gotten the ticket yet. i havent found a job yet but im kinda close to two. they just have no way to call me and i have to way to get there. i had nothing better to do @1:20 PM