i dream about stripping 4 nights a week now- well, not really nights since i go to bed around 8am. this city is dead and kills everyone. i prayed to God about rent and turns out i have CREDITS on my account and i owe LESS THAN HALF for April. THANK GOD. they are taking my car though. i dont know how to get out of that one. this city got into my brain. here its all about Sex Drugs Music. and not in that order. the shows, the drinking, the cops- its all getting to me and i feel like im stuck. the cops have come to my house twice for domestic disturbance- how ghetto is that? it was like an episode of COPS
this morning that system of a down song would not leave me, not the whole thing, just this: self-righteous suicide and why have you forsaken me. i swear everything would be fine and brought to closure through death. my parents didnt cosign so the debt wouldnt go to them, i dont think and the pain would be gone. then my mom wrote "don't give up, you are too important to me and we love you. bye, mom" and im filled with guilt. sometimes the people that love you are just extra weights to worry about. im so fucked. i feel like i have to do something great for them but i cant even survive. they dont know i dont have a job, they dont know i was a stripper, and they dont know about the new guy that i moved into my apt. i feel like such a dissapointment. i feel like ive fallen from a great height and the force drove me into the mud and now im stuck at the bottom of the river drowning.
i had nothing better to do @4:21 PM
Monday, March 22, 2004
this is the longest ive gone without writing in YEARS. im unemployed now; i had a fight with the DJ and this stupid girl so i walked out and theres no way i can go back unless they ask me- its a pride thing. i miss it though. i loved the attention and the money and it was just so much fun. i dont drink as much now though, found better things.
my car is being repossesed and they're coming for it tonight. oh well. i dont have a phone anymore either. i do have my cat and my apt though. even though im a month late on rent and i took someone in to cut down on bills.
i need to get a job. i want something easy that pays a lot.