oh my goodness! ugh, i went again to the Dr but again couldnt get in so i have to wait until tuesday. i was very upset upon learning this.
im mad at both boys right now. i was supposed to hang with one last night and i waited around and he didnt call to hang until fucking 4:30am. he was already drunk and i was already in bed. then this morning he doesnt answer my calls except for one when he asks me three times in a row what im doing, "putting away the groceries, how many times are you gonna ask me?!" so hes like, i'll call you back in a bit, babe and that was like an hour ago. im so tired of stupid boys. im pretty much moving into the sewing room. im here with my laptop so i can still see movies and ive got all my work in here. the cat likes the bed in here. i think she thinks its her own room. i bought a really pretty bowl last night; its pink and has a green flower on the end. my friend happened to buy a pink bong with some green on it last night. it was like reading minds.
i had nothing better to do @2:58 PM
Friday, November 14, 2003
hopefully i go to the Dr today; ive been needing to since Monday and i just keep not getting around to it. its a clinic so i just show up and hope the wait isnt really long. i had really bad dreams all night long and the last one i had was me running through the house knowing this bad entity was about to appear (the girl from The Ring) and yelling, "I'm going to kill you!". i said this to about three or four people as i pushed them down stairs and out of windows. the first one i killed was my aunt. i had nothing better to do @10:35 AM
Thursday, November 13, 2003
things i have been tossing around in my head:
a study i read that suggested a link between the increase in intelligence/education and a greater capacity to suffer mental/emotional anguish. the smart can hurt more than the not-so-smart.
my over-active brain and how much i just THINK. im left alone with my head too often and i think im getting into trouble because of it.
this epiphany i had the other day where i just astounded myself upon discovering this fact of existance that i am not the center of the universe. for 30 minutes i pondered that one thought and was so bewildered that i could not move on to any conclusion or another chain of thought.
each person is the center of the universe as it relates to their own reality. if im crazy and i believe the sky is purple, then it IS purple for me; what good or sense would it make to convince me otherwise when i will never see it for blue? when i die i take that purple sky with me and as my life ends so does that whole universe and reality.
the nagging suspicion that i may be crazy and no one else is so plagued by their own mind.
for a moment today as i was putting lotion on after my shower i remembered the first time i had spelled that scent and it took me back to high school, old friends, college, church, and how i used to be. i paused and longed to be back to how things were.
i had nothing better to do @2:38 PM
Monday, November 10, 2003
had a lot of firsts in the past 7 days, most of them sexual. im applying for jobs, like, real ones. i was once really curious about stripping but now its starting to be like a real job and so i see the need to move on. working on some jewelry for my portfolio and partying a lot. im also really fat today. my pants hurt my belly.
my thoughts are scattered and non sequential. im starting to feel bad about the people im hurting because i think its going too far and im starting to forget how i justified it in the beginning. i havent been back to church yet. i always want to during the week when i drive by one but by the time its Sunday, i never remember to go. i still pray, mostly just when i eat, even when im in the club. randall said i was taking Jesus into a bad place and some shit like i should be shameful for it. i dont think its worse than taking the cross on his arm into the dark shadows of some girl's bed. God is everywhere. there is one girl in particular that has been watching me. she asks about my tattoos and about my praying. she talks to me about her living situation and the troubles she is seeing right now. she asks for advice and comfort. i almost didnt get hired for the big cross tattoo on my arm. this new guy im seeing said something hurtful the other day. he like questioned my calling myself a christian bringing up the things im doing right now. i wanted to kick him out of my car and die both in the same instant. he's really nice and caring and we have so much fun but he just isnt really smart. street smart, no doubt, but not educated. he spent high school at a vocational school getting high on the ride to and from school. 8 years later he's about where he was before. i have this problem where im always looking for the husband. i think im too fucked up to be serious about any man but i cant be alone and i cant see someone just for fun. how horrid is it to stay with one boy despite all our differences just for his earning potential? i suppose all the reallly important things are there, though. he's catholic, believes in education, and wants to make a lot of money. not that money was the important thing, but he has a goal. the other one is waiting to be a drummer in a famous band or something. and its getting cold here. maybe i should move to california.
i had nothing better to do @7:19 PM
Saturday, November 01, 2003
"Self-injury is an expression of acute psychological distress. It is an act done to oneself, by oneself, with the intension of helping oneself rather than killing oneself. Paradoxically, damage is done to the body in an attempt to preserve the integrity of the mind."
- Jan Sutton and Deb Martinson, January 2003
because sometimes the pain you feel is so great and immense that you couldnt possibly find a way to explain it to anyone else and so you try to show them. your inner agony manifests itself onto the outside. and the easiest pain to deal with sometimes is the pain you yourself cause and control.
i had nothing better to do @10:35 PM
wow, dude, i was out drinking until 6:30am and i started at 2:30pm. i went to a couple concerts which was cool cause i got in with a Crew pass so i felt all cool. i had like 20 shots i think and it was almost all whiskey. at two of the places i went to they were all doing lines of coke but i dont mess with stuff i dont know especially when ive never done it before so i stuck to my drinks and the occacional passed smoke. it was amazing to see all the people i did last night. at one concert the fire marshall was there because they were so over-packed and it was just one sweaty mess. the band was awesome. everyone totally knew i was lara croft and i ended up wearing that to work and getting a lot of money because of it. the night ended in this photographer's loft where everyone was doing drugs and playing these weird games where you had to go in a circles and name actors and stuff.
ive got a splinter under my nail thats been there for a couple days now. i used a needles, tweezers and nail clippers but i still cant get it out. it hurts.