work was slow as poop but the drinks were flowing, baby. i made a decent amount so that i at least can say, its not like i would have made more having spent the day flipping burgers. guys seem more interested in buying me shit lately than buying a freaking dance or just handing the freakin money over.
my costume for halloween is so hot and awesome and is only going to cost me what the toy guns cost. im gonna have so much freakin fun!! oh, i talked to randall today but he pissed me off so i was like, fine. tell me how im doing so much wrong and shit while you make up all these excuses as to why what you do is SO MUCH better. sex is sex sweetie, especially when you arent married. it doesnt matter who you fuck if you're not married. sin is sin, baby.
i had nothing better to do @9:08 PM
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
i missed work again. waited around for his UPS package to come and smoked. then right before he got in, i left to go see someone and look around town since he never likes to go out. i found two people that want me to live with them and it would be way cheaper than with him and prolly more fun, but i feel bad about leaving him with this apt.
i had nothing better to do @9:57 PM
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
i hate when people smoke my shit. get yer own. i had nothing better to do @12:09 AM
there's a girl i dont like sitting right now across from me on the couch in my living room. and he's fucked her. anyway, its not like i dont go out and find my own fun. im getting pretty tired of him; he's a complete ass.
work was alright today, i made over $100 which is good for a monday afternoon. man im listening to this boy tell his stupid jokes to this fat bitch. maybe they should be together. two losers. after work i stopped by to see this friend. im not making sense now.
im suprised that after sat night's "unpleasantness" this guy is still wanting to see me. we're supposed to hang out and have dinner this week.
i had nothing better to do @12:08 AM
Sunday, October 26, 2003
i went out to see a band last night. drank a lot of whiskey which may have accounted for me turning into a total bitch at one point. there was a lot of crying and screaming and i woke up very sore for it all. i might go to the movies tonight even though i called off from work cause i feel sick. im gonna sleep more now. i had nothing better to do @6:31 PM
Saturday, October 25, 2003
i dreamt i saw heaven or that God was giving me a vision of heaven. it was absolutely amazingly beautiful. i wanted to cry and when i looked down it all turned to concrete and this flying banana was chasing me and i broke off its stinger as this old man told me it had wanted to implant something in me. i was also a dancer and i was with this guy and girl and we gave an amazing performance. afterward we went behind the curtains and floated back and forth across the stage while a requiem played in the background. it was then that i walked out a backstage exit and saw heaven.
spent a lot of time this morning at some new mall to see the mac store. i cant believe how much people love to shop. there was a line outside the cheesecake factory that literally was at least 300 feet long outside the front doors. when we left the store, the line was longer. then we went to a 50's diner closer to home where i got to take pics in the photo booth. i wish i still had a scanner.
i had nothing better to do @2:36 PM
Friday, October 24, 2003
so drunk. just like last night. work went well. went in to the champagne room tonight and the owner totally pulled me aside and fucking warned me cause he thought i was doing something i wasnt. anyway, a lot of amazing shit went on but im too drunik to type much more so good night. i had nothing better to do @11:36 PM
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
last night i had a dream that i was in an art class and that day we were to watch girls dancing like in a ballet but with no shoes and i loved it. at the end of the class i quickly threw everything into my bag in order to be one of the first to the bookstore because i so desperately could not wait to do my homework. i really miss being in school. i missed work today and just drove around and goofed off. i found this block downtown that is nothing but artists' lofts and i didnt know whether to come or cry. i think i am not settled enough in who i am to be this close to another person. i havent made anything in forever and that used to be my passion. but i just cant bring myself to create. i had nothing better to do @9:21 PM
Monday, October 20, 2003
i had 10 drinks last night. i went to a few bars, made some good money at work, and, oh yeah, kissed a girl. she's really pretty with long hair and she's half mexican and she's little like me. she took my number then gave me hers and is calling me to get together. at first she was just kissing me on the cheek then she turned her soft cheek so that my lips were on hers so i was like, ok, and then she started kissing with her tongue so i did too. then i bit her lip. anyway, im hungover now and late for work. oh, and im missing a nipple ring now, im so pissed, i think the hole closed over night. i had nothing better to do @1:47 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2003
as long as today started at 5am i had no drinks today however yesterday did turn out to be a drinky day after all with 4 cherry pop shots, 1 lemon drop shot, 1 whiskey sour, 2 beers, 1 kamikazee, and 1 vodka/7-up. i had nothing better to do @12:55 AM
Friday, October 17, 2003
i have not had a single drink today. usually i have 6 or 8.
we've run ourselves into the habit of only spending 30 minutes
i had nothing better to do @12:29 PM
Monday, October 13, 2003
bad dream. i was at this place where there were three fast food places and we were eating but then they closed down really suddenly and i was left at the counter trying to franticly finish my food and randall was walking out the door without me. i woke up right then but i felt so awful that i could niether get out of bed nor go back to sleep. it set a negative tone on the morning so far. i havent even thought of him at all lately.
last night we saw Les Mis. which was really good. it was at a nice place so we got to get all dressed up and take a trolley and all. outside of high school drama, it was my first ever real live performance which was such a treat for the boy. he's into all that like high society stuff. saturday night was my first real weekend night at the club and it was so packed that people had to wait in line just to get in. people were standing everywhere and throwing money down like crazy. it was a much different atmosphere but the best money ive made since i started. oh, and this girl is really into me. which is cool cause she's like one of my favorites.
i had nothing better to do @11:06 AM
Friday, October 10, 2003
i have an interview with The Gap soon which sucks. i dont even like the store. oh well. i just wish i already knew what they were offering for pay. its gonna be a huge waste of my time if they are only hiring for seasonal as well since i already not only told them i didnt want that but i requested $11/hr on my application. i did well at work yesterday but after only a drink and a half i was so drunk that it did not wear off from 3pm-almost 9pm. then i went out and had some more so at 2am as i slipped into bed, i was still not sober. some loud mouth was going around telling people that i was gonna get fired for it which is stupid cause she's the one thats been fired for being drunk underage. i did my job and im certainly old enough to drink if i want. then she fuckin called the DJ and was telling him crap about me and blabbing to everyone there. gee, sweetie, thanks for making it so obvious to everyone, yeah, you really helped me out. cause she always does it under the guise of being concerned or trying to help out.
i bought fake eyelashes for work tonight.
i had nothing better to do @1:07 PM
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
so often i just want to cease living. i dont want to kill myself or have to be in a horrible accident, i just want to stop being here. i hate this all. i dont mind the work, that isnt what's wrong, if anything i enjoy myself when im there but everything else is disgusting. i like my job. i like doing my hair and makeup every night and wearing cute outfits that i make myself. i love the beautiful girls and the guys that think you're the hottest thing in the world. i like the locker room and the bar. i love the stage. that place where you're the center of attention and everyone in the room takes a break from everything else to watch you. the freedom you have to move freely and passionately in any way the music moves you. its a place where every woman is seen for her beauty. there are light and dark girls, big and small, exotic and goth but every one of them is amazing. it's a beautiful place and the only bit of beauty i see in my life right now. maybe i like it so much cause it's a fantasy. it's my substitution of any real escape. i had nothing better to do @9:43 PM
Thursday, October 02, 2003
he is constantly holding over my head the fact that he pays $225 more a month for the home than i do so i do all the cooking cleaning and laundry. lately ive been so tired of his bitching that i told him i would pay the extra amount to shut him up. when i came in last night i asked to see the bills. he bitched for 30 min and reluctantly showed them to me after saying they were thrown out and not to worry about it. i pay EXACTLY HALF OF ALL BILLS. including his phone and cable. um, wait a minute. so i contribute MORE to the home than he does?? he was so mad at me he didnt speak to me for a while. i hate being kept in the dark and im finally taking initiative for where my money goes and so forth. and he discourages me!! he said he was taking care of me that i shouldnt worry and that it was his job to handle bills and money and its sad that i have to be so careful about not being FUCKED by this man i love and live with. lesson learned. he was also mad that im opening my own bank account today and not telling him how much i make anymore. im tired of him yelling at me about where the money i dont give him goes. i guess i dont feel so violated since ive been doing a little sneaking myself and having some fun. Secrets Abound. i had nothing better to do @9:51 AM
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
went to a party on sunday night and met a lot of people. this one guy named Grandma showed us his house where he had this shrine and the walls were painted in each room colors like pink, and mint green. there were giant doilies on everything and in the back, a pigeon house and a chicken. he was wearing exactly what a stylish grandma from a british sitcom would be wearing with a lovely black hat to top it all off. as i made my way up the narrow staircase to his bedroom i momentarily turned just in time to catch an unknown man in his underwear looking at me then closing his door quickly. it was a lot of fun and i came back monday afternoon. work was really slow yesterday.
i was really mad at the boy today and yelled many profanities. im just so tired of giving him all my money and him wanting to be aware of where it all goes. fuck him. ive spent $15 on myself and i hate going around watching him say, i need new clothes then buying all this stuff at the Gap and buying a new hard drive and planning for an ipod and smoking and drinking every single night. i feel like shit and like i dont deserve anything the way he and my mom talk to me. i wish i could show them how i feel but they dont listen. i feel like ghetto trash with unstyled hair with roots growing out and i know this sounds stupid but where i work you have to look nice. i make my own clothes to save money and paint my own damn nails. i hate sitting around hearing him say i need to give him more money when he just smoked three bags in one week.