so i finally had to deal with a really creepy guy at work. and my mom thinks im mad at her. im about to go to this concert with someone i met at the club. i kinda just want to go to sleep tonight. and i want the boy there with me but he has a friend in for the weekend. oh well. i had nothing better to do @10:15 PM
i probably wouldnt be this gassy if i didnt eat so many chili dogs. having money again is cool. i havent bought much so far except for new mascara and beads a few weeks ago. i've only spent $15 on myself in like two months. thats much better than at the beginning of the summer when i spent $2,000 in one week. man, spending a lot is fun... my mom has called 7 times in the past 12 hours but ive ignored each one. i havent really been taking any calls from anyone and the last she and i talked we had a fight. wow, ive got a lot to do before work. one of the boy's friends is coming up for the weekend and i havent cleaned even the room he'll sleep in. i gotta start getting ready for work in an hour, too. be easier sober. i had nothing better to do @11:03 AM
Thursday, September 25, 2003
work was cool. i made some mula, got drunk on chocolate cake shots, got some lap dances, had fine tanned ass in my face, got bought dinner, had an all-out fight at the Popeyes chicken with some MUTHA who was all like, "you just lucky it wunt me drivin!" you're just lucky you live in some ghetto where no one gives a shit for your poor grammer and that you'll never know what it is to fail at some good job where you must speak well cause you're fucking shit and no one wants some uneducated, popeye chicken-eating. retard on their payroll.
i farted on the boy this morning.
i had nothing better to do @9:50 PM
i hate when you can only take a scalding hot shower or a below freezing one. i picked both and just switched every 56 seconds. it made shaving horrible. i get to go in to work again but i think im getting clumsy. i noticed that i slipped a few times on tuesday and i think my feet shrank too much for my shoes. im like getting lean and i guess your feet follow pursuit. whoa. saved by the bell is on. i had nothing better to do @12:04 PM
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
i walked out on the bank interview today. as i sat in the lobby i knew i wouldnt be happy there and it was so depressing. when i went in they had me start the paper work but the last thing you had to do was sign this form that talked about the conditions of employment and any offers made but i couldnt comply with one or two of them so i handed it to the secretary and walked out saying i wouldnt be able to do it. had a fight with my mom and i havent talked to her yet.
im having my fave drink which is vodka, sugar, water, and lemon juice. mmmmm.... and last night i had three chocolate cake shots which were really good. this guy bought them for me and tipped me like 40-50 bucks. fall always makes me feel slower and remeniscent. it could also have been the drive this morning when i was listening to coldplay. it just sucks to know how everything passes. cause you dont want the good things to ever leave.
i had nothing better to do @8:50 PM
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
yesterday all i kept thinking was, I LOVE MY JOB!! and today i got an offer for an interview from some bank. ugh. i would only make a couple thousand more but that would be taken for taxes anyway. poo. i hate leaving all those girls now cause they're all so nice and so much fun and the club is like the nicest ever. it was voted the city's best for high rollers. a great menu, great sound and lights, and "girls that stepped right from the covers of Cosmo." i'll wait to mourn until im actually offered a job from the bank, i guess. i had nothing better to do @9:02 AM
Saturday, September 20, 2003
if i could have any frivilous surgery, id have my tonsils removed. they are annoying as heck. my right one hurts and is making my ear hurt and it makes me yawn every 5 min. plus i get food stuck in them sometimes which is gross. i made enough money last night for car insurance which is awesome. now all i want is to make my car payment. hopefully that'll happen this week. i made almost 200 last night and had a ton of fun. tonight i'll watch the fight and just chill since i might go in again on sunday.
last night i had this weird dream about the Electric Circus which was this new age church where they met around a lake created by steel beams and old construction left overs. then these girls were talking about this wedding coming up and how my necklace was a sexual device and this grandmother gave a girl these awesome underwear than had a hummingbird. it was different.
last night this guy paid me $60 just to look into his eyes. it was weird. he said all this stuff about how i "had it" and that i was the best he'd ever seen and there was something in my eyes. he said i could get anything i wanted from anyone. last night every guy said there was something in my eyes they couldnt look away from. whatever. i had fun and made mula for almost nothing. i should shower.
i had nothing better to do @1:43 PM
Friday, September 19, 2003
stuff's been going ok. i go out and make a bit of cash here and there and its enough to start getting us caught up. i think im gonna try and make money tonight. i usually just sit on my butt and do nothing but i should hustle tonight. i had nothing better to do @10:10 AM
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
whoo-hoo!! i made this awesome white skirt that is gonna look sooo cool under blacklights. how magnificent.
the boy started the nicotine gum yesterday which is so cool. i always have this weird feeling im nothing to him but robo-maid and this totally hot chick (maybe thats an exaggeration) but he's only quitting for me. thats a drug he's addicted to that he's weaning himself off of. he believes there's nothing wrong with it and that people (like take a stand.org) do way too much bitching. but he's quitting for me. chewing some gum that makes him want to puke for me. he stood out in the rain on the balcony of his own apt to smoke cause i didnt like it. maybe im being a real bitch to him after all...
i had nothing better to do @1:29 PM
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
while i was showering i noticed that the water was totally this dark yellow verge of brown color and i started to think that maybe i was that dirty. then i started to feel disgusting. i knew there was no way i peed so much (so what if i do that in the shower? there's soap everywhere anyway) that all the water at my feet (long hair= standing water in shower) would turn that color so i guessed that the club deposited a layer of filth on me. when i got out of the shower i notcied the same thing in the toilet and then i ran the sink water and watched it turn from clear to nasty pee yellow. so apparently they are working on the water again and im not a filthy being. i had nothing better to do @1:20 PM
first off, i had a hard time sleeping cause right as my eyes would close id sweaer the robe and the pile of clothes were getting closer to get me and id bolt awake again to keep my eye on them. when i finally just covered my head i dreamt that i was in my parents new home that was by a lake. we used my sisters computer to talk to this bad guy in french and this spirit thing was helping us. then we went out to the archives of art. this thing explained to me that he was this artist's inspiration and he showed me the works he helped create. the way we got around was flying and he had this huge cloak. anyway, he then started pouring gasoline on everything to teach artists a lesson for never giving credit to inspiration. where we were was a place where there was one copy of every piece of art ever created and he was gonna destroy it all. i called the artist to let him know that his inspiration was doing this but then inspiration came after me. i was eventually saved by inspiration's twin who looked exactly like him. when his hood came down he looked almost human but all black. even his eyes had no white. then gwen stafani wouldnt get off the front steps and everyone was pissing me off. they were all gathering by the lake for something and i couldnt park anywhere. then these girls jumped on my car to piss me off so i reversed really quickly then stopped sending a girl over the edge and into the lake where this huge grey beast ate her. no one could save her cause the whole lake was infested and they'd only be killed too.
today i am so sore i think im calling off of work. i started at this "club". my first night Godsmack tipped me $70. Jane's Addiction was there, too. last night i sat on my butt the whole time but still made $50. today i am sore beyond belief and have to lower myself onto the toielt even with the help of the sink. i think im gonna call off to be nice to my body for once. theres no way i can work like this.
and i guess thats it for now.
i had nothing better to do @11:57 AM
Saturday, September 13, 2003
i dreamt i was in in this field that was acres and acres of pot. the plants were growing sunflowers too and it was so potent you could snap off a twig and put it in your mouth. the boy and i were there with Brian the dog from Family Guy. thats crazy. i had a stoner's dream. i had nothing better to do @10:53 AM
Friday, September 12, 2003
i started to miss him. talked to him and im glad i did. he's a little bitch. still doing all that shit he said was so bad and is hooking up with a girl tonight who wants to meet him without telling his girlfriend. it's been over a year since he's been in school. and of course he still has plans to start again. when your daddy's a millionaire i guess it's hard to ever actually work for something. he's still stuck at a job where he's unhappy in an apartment he hates and not in school. he's dating a girl that's nowhere near beautiful and he's not even going to church, which he berated me for. none of our old friends talk to me for "what i did to him" but they were never my friends anyway. i only kissed a guy after 6 months of his depression where he wouldnt even seek help when i held his hand and led him there. he didnt ever want to go out or even talk and after 6 months of his depression and not having a relationship i kissed someone. that was enough for him to blame his whole destruction on me. he sent me out into the cold with nothing and all his loser-ass friends receded with him. i dont need those people. and im glad im so much better. that i dont judge and pretend to be something im not. i know im not perfect but they think they are. like the bitch who doesnt talk to me anymore and went to her wedding bed telling everyone she was a virgin when i know that she'd had sex before. and her husband who masterbated to his ex girlfriends who did put out for him. my sin was out in the open and that scared them so they all withdrew. im sorry i cant live in shadows and secrets like you guys. so what if i have sex, at least i know where i stand and im not ashamed of who i am. i had nothing better to do @10:13 PM
ahhhh... no more PMS i had nothing better to do @10:13 AM
Thursday, September 11, 2003
im in a big city where i hear the neighbors' babies screaming, i can hear the men working down below and people cooking across the fire escape and there are people noises everywhere but when i sit and cry there's no one here. it's the most alone you could ever be in a place so packed with people. i had nothing better to do @4:33 PM
i absolutely hate everything. i hate money. i hate food. i hate being so jealous. i hate not being happy. i hate that i lost what i cared most about. i hate that im so horrible to my family and that i never return phone calls. i borrow money and i never call to talk to them. i hate that im not in love. i hate that i cant be alone. i hate the way he speaks to me like im some stupid child. i hate that he brings the girls he's fucked here because they've been friends all his life. i hate the way he gets mad when i want to do something with him. i hate that he expects me to cook and clean for him. i hate that im stuck here. i dont even want to leave. i dont want anything anymore. i just dont want this. i had nothing better to do @4:31 PM
everything today makes me want to hyperventilate
the cat got poop on the carpet and the controller got in it so now i cant play the Yoshi game. I'm horridly pissed at this. The ass at the car dealership never returned my call and is never at his desk. i want to send hate mail to him. my bladder is demanding potty time more often than i want to walk to the bathroom. bitch, bitch, bitch.
my hair looks really good though. ooooh, bedtime fun Ken comes with his own miniture box of condoms. i want to quilt but im not in the mood to start anything. i walk into the sewing room and see the unfinished projects that i no longer have the desire to even look at and i feel like some failure. then i leave cause i dont feel like doing anything again. life is stupid. everyone hates working cause if they had a choice they wouldnt be doing it. people dont like their marriages after the first year cause then they get tired of each other and just wanna fuck other people. no one likes having to cook and clean and these are things that have to be done every day. there's like no point to living. we were thrown here and people are like trying to make the best of it but i dont see why you should have to. if im dissatisfied with every aspect of my life i dont think i should have to be here. i guess we did this as a society- brought ourselves into meaningless, toilsome existences.
i had nothing better to do @1:47 PM
eventually your tears have to turn to laughter
two years later and although i understand what a tragedy it was, i think it's excessive to still have interviews with people who were there and to create that somber memorial over the airways. to relive the death again. why cant we talk about moving on, strength, or something like that. there is such a thing as learning and growing stronger.
a night of interrupted sleep again. maybe there's a bad force in my bedroom. more likely, im just so unsatisfied and frustrated inside that my mind wont let me rest. now there's a dumbass song on the radio about this girl who misses her old boyfriend and all the things they did together. what a sad start to my morning. the only cd's i have right now are neil diamond's greatest hits and a cd that actually belongs to him, but ended up with my things during the "get-the-hell-out" move.
i should talk about something better. um... *scratches head* i get to go to the mall today. im not shopping though. i have 10 cents. im dropping off applications, but im really hoping to get a call about the job in the visual department at that one store. it would be so perfect but he said it would be a week before they'd know.
i had nothing better to do @9:06 AM
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
damn you, period!!
you ass, you're just waiting for me to get a job and then you're gonna suprise me with waves of scarlet damnation. im not the kind of girl to keep track of this stuff but im sure im at least 5-7 days late because my b-day was a month ago and i do remember being happy i was cleared for the festive nooky- which is a funnie story but im not allowed to talk about it for reasons i bet no one would ever guess. cept you, monkey love, you were there.
i got desperate for drinky treats and took shots of peach schnapps and finished off the rest of the banana rum. it was horrid. and i chased it with milk. ugh. i need MONEY!! that's all. im bored out of my mind right now.
i had nothing better to do @8:03 PM
Mid-Afternoon and I'm still naked and unshowered.
my sleeping has been horrible. i lie in bed for two hours before falling asleep and once i do i wake up 8 times. not that i hear something and then i doze right back, like i have a nightmare and im at full consciousness for 20 min or so. and its making me horridly bitchy (although ive noticed the bitchiness for the past three months). i wanted to pummel the boy last night and throw him down the three flights of stairs to the concrete below. and its not just him making me overly frustrated. lying in bed this morning trying to sleep one last time i got all pissed about the laundry that needed to be put up and my bills. then i went to sleep. then i saw a man's hand holding my own and i freaked out but i couldnt wake up. then i did. then i went to sleep. then i dreamt Tony Soprano was my uncle and all this weird stuff happened. i got an hour's sleep and so decided to just start the damn day already. there's a zit right on the tip of my nose. ugh. everything pisses me off lately.
i dont get why people dont want to hire me. i need something outside this apartment and i want to get away from the boy. i think that if i had friends and stuff here maybe our relationship would be better. last night we spent some time together: go to store for his cigs. go to store for his beer. go to store cause he wants potatos- oh wait, i had to do that alone. and watch some movie on ESPN. see how sweet he can be? wow. im so fucking lucky to be with a man like that.
i had nothing better to do @2:39 PM
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Corporate America Take Note
Dear Prospective Employers,
You will never find a more qualified candidate than Me. I approach you today because I am in serious financial ruin; read: motivated beyond belief. Although I have prepared a resume I believe the true decision-making details will be contained within this letter and not in the Microsoft Word Resume Template any college-graduate or working mother puts together with all the same mundane information. Yes, they will tell you they are educated or really serious about your company however this same line goes out to every Human Resources Department Head within a 30 mile radius of their home where their salary minimums may be met. I am not going to make those same empty promises. I believe in me. I believe in buying food and clothing for my being and not having my car taken away by the bank. I believe in doing whatever it takes to make that money. This is why you want to hire me.
I have real life experience. Everyone has corporate experience and it is not any brag worthy trait to be able to do what you are told or show up on time in the morning. When there are instructions surely any individual will succeed however I have survived in the true jungle where there are no rules or standard issue manuals. I have fought for my sustenance outside of the office lunch/break room and emerged victorious. Outside the middle-class suburbs with teenage-neighbor manicured lawns I scavenged for a bed and a safe dwelling. I can think outside of the box. Take any member of your team and take them outside the "comfort zone" to watch them wither and be defeated. Employees today are simply not the kill or be killed individuals of yesterday. To truly succeed you need the raw survival tactics that inhibit modern social decencies. You must stop at nothing to achieve the kill. When an important project comes up with seemingly monumental financial gain you must be able to convert yourself into that primitive hunter tracking all night and day and showing no mercy upon your competitors.
Companies today lack a staff of fine hunters. Employees are merely working hard enough to get the minimum quotas met so they may go home to their spouse and 2.5 children to forget about you and their desk until the next morning at 9. I am not this person. I am the warrior you need. I will fight to win because I know that not winning is losing and losing is death. Today's society is too scared to step on toes or to offend but the simple truth is that you must fight not just to gain power but to retain what you already have. In Corporate America the rules are not so forgiving if any exist at all; there is no "of the people, for the people" governing power and so I encourage you to take this enlightenment and do what every other company is afraid to do: Grab the Reigns. Crush your competition and then use your power to invade other industries. There is nothing to stop you but your own weaknesses which lie only in the drones working below you. Your first step is to replace these links with those of a higher quality. Your army must be willing to fight and know hunger so that they may fight that much harder to avoid it. No one is promised an easy life or all the necessities and your force must know this.
I have been hungry. I have slept in my car. I have been scared. And now that I myself am being hunted by debtors I offer to you my life force which will do anything to overcome my enemies. In exchange I hope you will join with me in the war to be the literal example of Darwinian Survival as we lurch forward against opposing forces. You have the power to defeat all others and excel in your industry. With me by your side we will evade attack and initiate raids. You are faced with the unique opportunity to hire me and take on a great team member. However, remember, I am the hunter. I live to survive and to win; when I do, will it be you I celebrate with, or your competition after you let this monumental offer pass you and your company by?
With Sincerest Regards,
Your Future Co-President of Corporate America
i had nothing better to do @10:40 AM
i need a job. im tired of sitting around naked or in PJ's wondering if my armpits stink.
let's make a list of things i want to buy as soon as i get a paycheck. i want to get my hair "done". nothing is as exquisitely spoiling as a nice split-end trim and maybe even a new color. plus, this is my new fave feature. the longer it gets the more fascinated i am by my hair. i sit moving my head back and forth amazed that i can feel it moving across my back. it's getting LONG. i might get my nails done. i dont know though. ive never done that and i prefer to keep them short. so much so that they get cut twice a week. GROCERIES. going to the store and being able to buy the big bag of Pizza Rolls, ice cream, 100 proof Smirnoff vodka, MEAT, and spices other than salt and pepper. i want knee high boots for the winter. i own three pairs but i want another. i want a bookshelf so i can unpack the boxes of books in the closet and put away the ones stored on the window seat. birth control pills. if for nothing else the clear skin and predictability of it all. shopping used to be what i did when i was sad or even happy. i havent done it in a couple months at least. just to go to the mall and to be able to buy those things that are on sale would be awesome. i want to buy beads, too. and not just cause the guy at this store is friggin cute and asked me to come visit again. it would be cool to have car insurance and make my car payments again. im scared of my car being taken away. Luckily, no one knows where i am. everyone i owe money to has no idea where i live or what my number is. how scary is that? illegal, too, maybe.
yesterday i spent an hour interviewing at a department store. i might get a job in the visual department as the head's assistant. id get to dress manequiens, hang up posters and signs, and work the best hours ever. i actually went in for a sales associate position as crappy as i knew it would be. on my way to the human resources office i walked by scores of women in uncomfortable sunday dress dragging emotionlessly around the racks of clothing sorting and pricing. they looked lonely in their departments. when i finally got in to talk to the boss lady she said she had no positions open. however after looking at my resume something else came to mind and she began describing it to me. HEAVEN. she asked if i wanted to talk to the director and i said yes and we had a great convo. i was upbeat, energetic, asked a lot of good questions- all that good shit. he faxed my info to his boss yesterday and hopefully i hear from him by monday. i even said a little prayer for it but included something about not doing any kind of drug as a condition. ive gone 24 hours.
im going in to the gallery for a couple hours today. im nervous cause there are supposed to be some important people there that the artist is working with (he called at almost 10 last night to let me know theyd be there) and of course because as soon as i go in im faced with that mess i made sat night. all that work i ruined. crap.
im starving. gonna have some rice and watch music videos.
i had nothing better to do @9:05 AM
Sunday, September 07, 2003
ive started part time at this gallery downtown and yesterday i made a sale but also ruinded a few hundred dollars of inventory which i dont really feel like talking about right now. it sucked. still looking for a real job. i need money like crazy. i went for a jog in the woods across the street today which was really nice. of course i went alone since the boy spent 20 min today explaining to me that its not that he doesnt want to do anything together, its that the weekends are for football the week is for school and those few hours after classes and before bed are to relax and watch ESPN. but that if i wanted i could stay in and watch with him and spend all day baked watching stupid football. i havent run in years. i was panting so hard and cramping but it was awesome. when you can feel your body getting moist with sweat and you're following a trail to a small creek to skip rocks you feel like you accomplished something. it was sunny and warm so i dipped my hands into the cool water and followed it around the woods for a while. when i got in he was smoking, watching tv, and still in his pj's. he's in real clothes now but still doing the same damn thing. ive got four loads of laundry almost done with two more coming. he came in for a min to say i should do something today like get a job. this was after he checked his account cause he wanted more beer and realized he was out. dumbass wont give me 5 bucks for groceries but he spends 5 bucks a day on beer for HIMSELF. and another 5 on cigs.
last night in my dream i looked out the window and there were demons everywhere calling my name. they were shadows quickly flying back and forth and the voices werent human-sounding. then this bus pulled in that was filled with people who were damned. in my dream i fell to my knees and prayed God would forgive me of my sin and ease my soul. i was crying. when i woke up the boy was telling me i had been having bad dreams all night. in my dream i had killed this reporter. i beat her with a lead pipe down to the ground and after she stopped moving i bashed her face so many times that i was assured id knocked all her teeth out. i killed her cause she wouldnt leave this guy alone who i knew as my grandfather. then they accused him of the murder but he was sure he would be found innocent. after that i kept hearing my name being called and i got really paranoid.
i had nothing better to do @2:28 PM
Monday, September 01, 2003
on friday night we went to an ex girlfriend's family's lingerie shop. oh, that wasnt awkward, even with his whole family there.... i had 5 glasses of champagne while waiting for him, then a couple cigarettes, then another glass and then we were on our way to the bar. had some white russians and then started playing a drinking game at some dude's house. we were way too wasted to go anywhere so we crashed in the attic of the house. sat we walked into a diner for breakfast in our nice clothes from the evening before. at home we mostly chilled and grabbed some beer for the game. yesterday was spent with his family again. then we went to some weird girl's house and before we got too into the partying decided to leave for home. grabbed some beer and then just chilled. that is the entirity of my weekend. i want a job. i havent shopped in so long. i had nothing better to do @4:06 PM