ugh. i drank off the rest of the good vodka last night and we're out of beer. out of everything so i just went out onto the balcony and smoked a cigarette and a half since i found one he left. buzzing hard. drugs medicate pain and right now im trying to kill lonliness. wish i had something better than nicotine. i dont feel like eating, sleeping, or making stuff. i havent made jewelry in weeks. im hollowing out. all my interests and desires are dying off and leaving a big hole inside of me. i think im broken. i had nothing better to do @1:19 AM
im absolutely not happy. i dont enjoy anything anymore. i had nothing better to do @12:53 AM
Monday, August 25, 2003
the new cold play album is amazing. i never really listened to their music but so many songs on it are ones that i just sit and listen to over and over. especially the scientist and politik. lately ive noticed that every song is something from my heart. When i hear them it like forces me to recognize those feelings within me but also to reflect on all ive done in the past year. january still feels like only a week ago. my heart still feels freshly wounded and the blood is still warm. but i guess thats my own fault in the end. its horrible to be the one that hurts yourself the most.
they took personality tests at the law school the other day and over wine they all described themselves to me and concluded that i was Red: extremely emotional and passionate. that's all. a break from working on my resumes. im listening to coldplay.
i had nothing better to do @9:57 AM
Saturday, August 23, 2003
law school is not like legally blonde at all. they're all really nice. i hung out with the other law students at a bar the other night then last night at their induction. it was all really formal and afterward they handed out glasses of wine and beer. by the time we left, 4 hours later, he had probably had a bottle of wine by himself at least. i looked nice and acted really friendly and intelligent. i think i make him look good. i still havent seriously looked for a good job yet. im so lazy. not looking foward to having to answer to someone at all. that's all. time is just flying by and im not doing anything except cleaning and cooking like a stupid little housewife. i cant stand a man you have to clean up after so much. what a baby. his "im just a boy and cant [ do laundry, use the stove, iron, make the bed, etc ]" act is gonna be what one day snaps me and brings on a lesson in "do it your damn self". what a creep to hover his potential wealthy and lucrative career over me when im fucking tired of mopping and cooking. if he wants me to be that wife, he can be that husband and pay all my bills. oh wait, thats right; im supposed to be taking care of both of us AND working a full-time job. he doesnt deserve what i give. and im just too tired or worn, maybe hopeless, to even leave. oops, i forgot he said im not allowed to talk about him. i had nothing better to do @4:53 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
ive made such a mistake. this is all so wrong. i keep doing bad things and shrugging off the opportunities to correct them. this is too hard to write. like, thinking and putting it into words. then i wonder who's reading. too much smoke. dont feel like concentrating anymore. im gonna go and like drink or just watch cartoons. oh yeah, and like, what's with all this sin and living with some boy and not even getting to have sex? im not making sense. i had nothing better to do @10:17 PM
Monday, August 18, 2003
if i dont like, start meeting people that i can hang out with, im gonna kill this boy.
i want money. i dont want a job. so i compromised by promising myself a lot of money if i get a job. tomorrow im going to this car lot place to see if i can get hired as a salesman only if they pay a lot. i think i could bring a lot to a place like that. my looks will sell to men, my bilingualism to hispanics, and i have a lot of experience convincing people to buy shit from selling so much jewelry to shop owners. im gonna have to buy real clothes now though. all i have are wife beaters and really baggy pants. i'll prolly have to cover my tattoos and take my tongue piercing out each morning as well. crap.
i still feel like killing him. who the hell calls their friends, "babe"?
i had nothing better to do @6:49 PM
a night of bad dreams left me sleepless at 6am and nursing a horrible empty feeling inside. this life is like trying to put on a shoe that's 3 sizes too small. you try to ignore the pain and discomfort but when you're honest with yourself, you know it's just wrong. lying in bed this morning i couldnt stop thinking about how wrong this is. i dont know if id feel this way about anything id be doing or if its just this. in my dream i was moving to follow an ex. and at one point we were separated by the move and i was trying to get my stuff together and i realized how much i lost every time i did that. i thought back to all i did for boyfriends before and how i got screwed by it. then i was pregnant but i didnt know if the father was my boyfriend or my ex. in the end i saw how much id messed up and i wanted him back. half awake i wanted to call or email him. cause i missed him. i miss him. i had nothing better to do @9:34 AM
Friday, August 15, 2003
i was in the hospital visiting his grandmother so no one knew anything was up. when we left we noticed that there were no traggic lights working. at his grandfathers house we heard the news but it was all crazy mixed up. they said the entire country was out of electricity and i freaked out. i said a prayer then started worrying about my own family all over the country. everyone was pacing and these weird news broadcasts kept coming on and all these new conspiracy theories with them. we took some food from the house and started on the long trip home. the police were everywhere and stores had long lines outside wanting batteries and ice. we had to wait in line cause they were letting us in one and a time and there was a two item limit. we got the second to last bag of ice and one of hte only things of water. we also got batteries and the last flashlight. but its on again. came on around 9am. thats all. i had nothing better to do @12:07 PM
Thursday, August 14, 2003
the thing about moving so close to his hometown is that all his old friends are here. most of them are girls and he has screwed 90% of them. today we are going to see another one of these girls. whoo-hoo. i had nothing better to do @10:49 AM
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
went around today to check out the area. i got the weird impression that all the tattooed and pierced young 20-somethings around here think they're fucking hot shit and dont like to ackowledge you when you walk in. doesnt bother me though cause they're working at some hole in the wall store that although its cool pays minimum wage to those punks who prolly cant afford half their inventory. i hate when people judge you by how you look. i walk in dressed well and all but just because my tattoos and piercings might be hidden is no reason to assume im some yuppie rich chick. like the dreaded goth girl at the counter was so "oh my god im so much cooler that this so im just gonna stand here and turn my back to you as you walk through." two people talked to me. one was an older woman who in the end knew nothing about hte store and refered me to a young guy standing near by. he was really nice and cute and works at a bead store plus he just moved here a week ago from the same city as me. yeah! when i go back, i hope he's there and not those stupid snotty girls who were at the table just staring at me as they ate. so far every girl here is a bitch and there just arent many guys.
i found some really great stores though.
i had nothing better to do @5:41 PM
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
i just pierced my own ear with alcohol and an earring. its throbbing and stinging. i hope it heals okay. i kinda just shoved it right through the cartillege. i had nothing better to do @4:58 PM
went to a cookout yesterday and somehow had about 6 beers within a couple hours of being there. since i was the designated driver we ended up spending the night there. i barely made it up the stairs at 9:30pm then decided i felt horridly nauseous and so i spent a lot of time in the bathroom. i have a bruise on my eye cause i hit the seat at some point. after lots of puking, the boy took me to a guest room and got me water and i went right to sleep while the rest of the party went on. i think my limit of beers is 4 maybe 5. the past two times i had a 6-pack werent pleasant. its like the whole world is shaking violently and you're trying to walk a straight line. we also did shotguns.
law school orientation is next week for him and then i'll look for a new job. im hoping to get something that pays like 30,000. that would be sweet. id buy all sorts of crap if i had a nice salary.
i had nothing better to do @3:12 PM
Sunday, August 10, 2003
today i was in a target that had a cart escalator next to the people escalator. we laughed at it and i think everyone knew we were the new kids in town. i think its amazing how many times you can fall in love and think the world has finally found its path. then evreything goes to shit and you feel stupid. not this time though, this time is way more real. i definately wanna kill him sometimes and it hasnt been some lala land like it was with others. but thats a good thing; this time my eyes arent closed. i had nothing better to do @8:06 PM
Saturday, August 09, 2003
finally got the room to write more stuff. i need to buy more space. im up north now. permanently moved for good this morning. yesterday was my birthday and it went well. i meant to leave town after work but i went out for dinner and drinks with one of the girls and while i was there saw two of the boy's friends. they totally took me out and we went to a bar to see a band that was sweet. i got beers from everyone since it was my b-day and ended up crashing on a dude's couch. it was really awesome being able to be with his friends without him. i got to know them better and we got to talk more. my new apartment is sweet. two bedrooms and two living rooms. there's a balcony a fire escape and a nice kitchen.
i cant ever get over how many conclusions you can come to while drunk. everything just simplifies and makes sense. so i came up this morning excited about being in a new town with an awesome boy and so many possibilities.