im drunk. we went to a bar and it was fun. i walked to some table of strangers and totally took them off gaurd and started talking to them. i was hot tonight. the dude had pink and black cheetah hair. im getting used to this boy. sometimes its really weird and i cant believe what im doing. im moving to a new city and for for the first time really living with a man. before, randall was weird and it was all his stuff and sometimes i slept in my car but with this one- he wants me to LIVE with him. our stuff together. me decorating. and him wanting me in his bed every night. i think randall just made shit up and was really just covering his inability to make any commitment and did so manipulating God's law. this boy says he loves me. and from what ive heard lately, "if you cant be with the one you love, love the one you're with". things are so amazing. life is so unreal and suprises me. you cannot even imagine what ive been through this past year and i cant believe now im moving! ive got this new man who is gonna be a lawyer and wants to care for me. sometimes i think im crazy . things get really weird and its like it cant be real. and some songs just bring up all these horrid memories. this is all so crazy. all this shit is going on inside of me. my mind is like always on and thinking of all this stuff. things are getting really real but at the same time the more real they get the more i cant believe them. isnt it insane. i had nothing better to do @11:02 PM
Sunday, July 20, 2003
he found this girl and is bringing her over to massage me. how weird. maybe i'll shower first before they get here. i had nothing better to do @6:42 PM
Friday, July 18, 2003
i got my nipples repierced last night. i also met randall's new bitch at work yesterday. right off i noticed how much prettier i am. so did everyone else. she was acting all nice and stuff and i was like, wait til you see randall tonight and he tells you he's been cheating on you. he and i had a phone fight. i still dont get how you can be stupid and unrelenting enough to never be with the woman you truly loved cause she kissed one guy once but here he is having sex with other people and looking up other girls' skirts on his new girlfriend. anyway
a girl was getting her septum pierced and she knew id wanted my nipples redone so i went with her just to watch really but ended up getting talked into it. its somehting ive been meaning to do for 6 months but just never got the courage to go through with it again. it was so much better this time though, the piercer was really cool. MUCH LESS PAIN. a girl from work came into the room with me and got to see my boobies.
then i bitched the boy for being an ass and making me miss a night of drinks with friends and waiting outside the door for half an hour. then i showed my boobies to a girl that was over and him. he totally didnt freak out like i expected. just kinda backed up a few steps and shook his head.
ive wanted to puke for days. ive got this weird nauseous feeling in my stomach and i feel really nervous. maybe its about the move.
i had nothing better to do @8:59 AM
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
still poor. i wrote a check for 360 even though my account is -400 or so. ive been an exceptionally bad girl recently and i validate it all by saying, you do what you gotta do; there is no love only lust; and people really only look out for themselves. so yeah, you may have to hurt some people and as todd said, i think the world revolves around me but it does. things are only as i perceive them to be and when i die, the world will essentially end. for me anyway. i go to school for myself and i pay for shit myself (and with credit, heh heh) OF COURSE the world revolves around me as does the world revolve around YOU. thanks for the advice anyway, todd. im sure you only meant it to "snap me out of it" by showing me how selfish and whiny i am. oh well.
i want to call of work today so badly. i just want to sit and make jewelry and have some time for thoughts.
i had nothing better to do @10:34 AM
Sunday, July 13, 2003
im so unbelievably poor. my account is -500. and rent is way over due and so is everything else. i had nothing better to do @11:58 AM
Saturday, July 12, 2003
today at work i doubled my cash in a "dare". they took the magnum 44 permanent marker and drew me a Frida unibrow. with it i bought beads since mine were STOLEN.
everyday on my way from work i drive by this one apt where i think this girl lives. i first met her a few years ago in a design class and i sat behind her. i thought she was so pretty and nice and i loved her hair. i listened to everything she said to her friends just to know her life. about a year later i met her at church and she remembered me from that class because one day i made a comment about christianity. then a little after that she became a worship leader at church. one day before the service the other worship guy introduced her as his fiancee and i knew she was what i wanted to be. she was so nice and pretty and involved in the church and she was engaged. i wanted to do everything like her so i could have her life. a couple of times i saw her walking to campus. during a service once on marriage they used her wedding as an example since it had just happened and everyone knew of her. it was amazing and perfect. whenever i go by that one apartment i look up into the balcony and think of her and how she did everything right. i wish i hadn't messed up. i couldve been such an awesome person still going to church and with the man i loved. i knew we had to be together and i still know that. but i also know it'll never happen now. i messed up the plan. we did everything together and i never trusted anyone like i did him. but he's gone and doesnt even want me so its over. now im just getting by. i dont feel at all respected and i get almost no attention but whatever. there will never be another him and so ive settled for another.
he must have been really fucked up to break up with me for one kiss after 6 months of his depression when all he did was sleep. i was beautiful, smart, strong, and fun. and the way he treated me afterward was horrid. im so sorry i couldnt live with a man that didnt even want to listen to me and that i needed some kind of companionship for lack of it from him. im in love with the person he was, not the beast he turned out to be. fuck love, and never do anything for it.
i had nothing better to do @8:29 PM
Friday, July 11, 2003
we start moving in less than a month. thats crazy i had nothing better to do @10:07 AM
Thursday, July 10, 2003
ive already realized that even if there is something as The One, ive lost my chance with that person. i mourn who he was. the last months i was crying every day and he didnt even talk or want to hang out, how can i miss that? and afterward when he''d tell me such shit to hurt me- how could i want a person that turned into that? he'd never forgive me anyway so im done.
i might be moving in a month to a place a few hours away. we looked at the apt two days ago and it was awesome. we're working right now to get the lease drawn up. i cant believe so much has changed to the point that im leaving this city. sometimes i know im doing the wrong thing but im excited about it. its like being the third person in line for a roller coaster- but its what i like. i thrive on variety and change. the good kind. the landlord offered me a job in a bar he's opening up and the boy im going with loves me. its totally insane how things work out but i dont think this is the end. i bet a lot more will be changing before my birthday next month. im wanting it to hurry. last year was the worst b-day in my life and so has the past year been but im hoping that the year will be over at my b-day.
other than that im horridly poor. late on everything and my account is negative. bah. but im getting a hold of that, too, even. hopefully life will be better when i turn 24