i had a conversation with her that shook me. for the first time ever thoughts of non belief crept in. it scares me. but of course id listen to her. i become more isolated and withdrawn if there is nothing out there, nothing really out there. i had nothing better to do @10:55 PM
Saturday, June 28, 2003
i got robbed. they stole shit. they threw my beads around and dumped shit everywhere. i went crazy and drove trying to find the police cause they stole my phone even. i dont know where the station is and there were no cruisers anywhere. i called from a friend's place and they arent even coming to take fingerprints. and my phone will be no less than $80 to replace- i talked to them already. my life is peaking, not in the good kind of climax but in misery and shit. i swear things keep getting worse and it's all piling up. i ran into a church because i had to talk to someone. i opened up the door that was like right by the podium where they preach and there was a service going on. they all looked at me with my red eyes and mascara pouring down with tears and crazy hair and i left. there was no office and no one standing in back. the other church building was locked. im so alone. i run to people and they arent there. i went to randall's and he wasnt there; he's in indiana. i ran to ben's and he's asleep on the couch. he said he's sorry but he's tired. there is no place of comfort to run to. my insides are dying. all this stress is making my body freak out. life is getting a lot less real. the worse it gets the more i go crazy about it but then there's this weird pause, and i take a step back, and it's not really as real anymore. im dissociating from the world. it's like i can see the people walking by but they arent real, they're just images or some hallograms projecting. no place i go ever takes me. no person i run to ever is there or willing to help. there's something so weird going on. my life has been such shit this past year. i think i might explode from the absurdity of how things just get worse. so im alone again. there's no one here. my family is very far away, no friends, and even when i drive the other drivers dont give a shit that at every red light im bawling and screaming and in such pain. a few days ago i cut my arm again. about 6 inches in the middle of my forearm running from my elbow to my wrist. im behind on all my bills. 2 months late on my car. i had all my bills together in my car to call the debt place but they were all stolen. i want to stop. i dont want to work anymore. i dont want to shower anymore. i cant do anything anymore. i had nothing better to do @6:34 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
everything still kinda sucks. i pay bills occasionally and work a lot. nothing's really worth anything i had nothing better to do @11:09 AM
Monday, June 09, 2003
so my car isnt going to blow up. i took my sis to work this morning then taught a jewelry making class for a non-profit organization. then i got to go to the mechanic and they fixed a leak for free since it was one of their stores that did it. i want to be at my apt right now but my sis is staying there this week and i feel weird around her, like i cant be who i am. im alone right now since he's up north for a week. just me and his kitty. i dont think i have car insurance any more.... i had nothing better to do @9:04 PM
Sunday, June 08, 2003
move on, then. move on from me. plgh.
i had the most amazing dinner. this customer from the store invited all the girls from work out to eat! she bought us wine and dinner with dessert at an awesome restaraunt. i wanted to go to church instead but my sister said i had to pick her up form work. when i get there her two friends are waiting to take her to the movies. no one i called is home or wants to talk to me. im always alone. im buzzing hard from the wine but its no fun to be alone. i want to fix up my apartment kinda but my sister is "living" there so i dont want to be there. i feel weird being around my family. i dont like it. i dont like my life.
i had nothing better to do @9:43 PM
Saturday, June 07, 2003
white smoke and a burning smell coming from the front end of your car cant be good. oh man, i still gotta drive it for a whole day until the dealership opens up. i hope it makes it at least to them. now im getting upset each time i have to drive it. and kinda embaressed cause at red lights everyone can see it coming from underneath the hood i had nothing better to do @8:40 PM
Thursday, June 05, 2003
i dont understand why my life has to keep going. ive lost it already. i fucked up. ive missed out on the best. im just wasting time. i cry so much. i hate everything. theres no POINT. work, dating, money, bills.. its nothing. why does no one see that. for me anyway, it's done. this is the worst place i have ever been in my life. i must have died a year ago. i must be in hell. i had nothing better to do @11:44 PM
im doing 5 loads of laundry wondering what that loud noise in one of the dryers is. it finally dries and as i unload it... what are all these spots on my pants?! then i see it.... an empty bottle of nail polish. uh oh. i totally forgot about that! ugh.
life has been weird lately. i think there's some kind of pattern or curse that befalls guys im with. im making jewelry and decided to take a break. church on sunday was about the perfect spouse. i have this obsession with getting married. i crave it. through out the entire message only one man came to mind but he hates me. i have this dueling desire to be good and to be horrendously evil. the kind of girl that doesnt care and works as a stripper using men versus the Godlt woman who has a family.