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this is my personal journal and i put all sorts of stuff up and talk about whatever the hell i want to. it may be offensive, i may talk about you, you may leave.

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today i'm The current mood of melida at www.imood.com

Saturday, May 31, 2003
it's june in less than an hour and it's cold. everything is cold and retains death. when my life isnt stagnant it's going wrong. i dont understand why i can see how bad things are and i dont stop. im doing all this stuff wrong and i dont stop. i havent been to church in months. im living with a guy. i still have that apartment but i dont use it. just an expensive storage unit. i wish i could run away but im horridly dependant on this boy. a week after my love broke up with me i was already living with someone else. i dont get it. there's this great fear within me of being alone. i've had nightmares of demons in my apartment. the last time i slept alone i had nightmares. i hate smoke but im with a smoker. our beliefs are so different yet i've compromised so much just to not be alone. sometimes i sit in my car crying and utterly broken in will and spirit. he tells me things i hate. i cant believe i give my approval to him by staying. my beliefs used to be so strong but now im just tired of arguing and i back down. i just sit there and listen to this horrible propaganda. and the worst part is, sometimes i find myself slipping into what he wants me to be. i give up and actually want to just be some wife that cooks and cleans. i want him to work and make lots of money to provide for me. i almost give up my church to be catholic for him. i know im wrong. i know i need to leave. i know this is bad. im putting him ahead of everything. my inside is dying. im too sensitive. he yelled at me this morning and i started crying. and i cut my arm. im giving up everything. im messing up so much. my rent is due tomorrow and i havent paid yet. they're closed tomorrow anyway. i wanted to pay two weeks ago so that i could do it early and be good but i didnt. instead, i spent it. i fucking spent the rent money i should have mailed in days ago. my hair is dyed black now. i did it while in TX for my grandmother's funeral. they told me she had 24 hours to live. i looked for a plane ticket. within hours i was on my way to the airport but while waiting for my next flight somewhere between St Louis and Tulsa, i got a call. i was by the terminal door. sitting. my breakfast was in my hands and my cell rang. my mom said she died. she just died. i stopped eating. i left without telling anyone and without telling my boss to see her. i never had the right relationship with her there was so much i needed to do. and she was dead already. i missed her. i just missed her. she died too fast. i cried. i hung up and cried with men in their 40's and business suits sitting around me ignoring me because their laptops were more important. i was just some weird girl in their usual tuesday morning commute to the capital. i would occasionaly take a bite of food but then id start crying again. i didnt know what to feel. did i miss her? was it just the frustration of my "seeing her one last time" turning into "going to a funeral"? i dont know. i dont get any respect from him. he treats me like shit though he doesnt mean to. i want to pack all my shit while he's at the concert right now. i want to run away. i wish i could. but im stupid. i could do so much more if i could just not need a boy so badly. i need to run away. im dying here.he doesnt care about me. im just a girl. my heart is going to burst. from jealousy. he sees so many girls and just went with some girl in a see through shirt he knows i dont like and that he used to fuck. my heart is going to explode from the guilt i feel for betraying God. my heart will break under what i know i did to randall. of course i hurt him. of course i was wrong. i know that. i know i didnt do what i should for him. i know i was the one with the problem. but now ive set him back and hurt him so badly. and now im so much worse. working at a stripclub, drugs, alcohol, cutting. one second i think we'll get married, the next i know im falling into hell with him. i know i'll go crazy. this past year has been the worst i've ever known. all the horrible things in my life are catching up. there is something conspiring against me. im dying right now. im dying. i change too quickly. i cant explain what im doing. im bored of everything. i dont see the point in working. it's all so worthless. last august i had the worst birthday ever. i cried so hard and i was so hurt. and that same week i saw my mom for the last time in 9 months. it's been so horrible. the cold and the hunger. death and losing love. disapointment and shame. this has been a horrible year. i lost all my friends but one. she got married and had a kid so i dont see her at all really. people in my old church spread rumors about me. the pastor left because of an affair. my family left. these daggers are killing me. it's too much. half the time i dont want to try for anything any more. i get dissatisfied with myself so i pierce my body. sometimes i start crying so much that i just want to drive off a bridge but you know why i havent??? 1) there's no guarantee id die. i dont want to live paralyzed, with that debt, and the dissapointment from people i know 2)im afraid of God and hell. so i cut myself or hit myself. i cut my arms. and i like the cuts. i like the deep pink that verges on infection and like the sick person i am i want people to see them and ask what's wrong. i want to cry. i want people to know how much i hurt. i want them to see the pain that i can never explain. i cant whine to them about my problems like a bitch, i want them to see my cuts and the blood and ask me what's wrong. i want someone to come to me and care. they have to see how serious i am and how intense this is. someone has to know. i know he wont care. and i would say, "oh it was the cat" and he would nod and not pursue it. he doesnt talk to me like i want. he doesnt know how i hurt. he doesnt know me. and hes content that im a girl that can clean and it kills me. because no one cares that im an individual and unique and so that part of me dies. it's all nothing. i messed up so badly.

i had nothing better to do @11:55 PM