this is my personal journal and i put all sorts of stuff up and talk about whatever the hell i want to. it may be offensive, i may talk about you, you may leave.
last year i had $0 taxable income. isnt that crazy? i cant believe i put myself through school and survived on less than the government is willing to tax. im like some kind of wonder woman. i had nothing better to do @10:27 PM
vaginas are weird. if i was a guy, id be scared.
all these people came into work today with dreadlocks. makes me want dreads. the only thing that makes me not really want them is when i get that weekly Victoria;s Secret catalog and i see that one sexy chick with long dark hair. then im like, ooooh, i want that hair. and i want to wear lingerie. then i start wanting huge boobs and right around that point im like, um, yeah right. i dont even brush my hair every day, there's no way i could take care of dreads.
the female lead singer of that band evanscense or whatever has one of my necklaces. now you too must own one. send me money and i send you necklace. i cant believe someone famous owns one of my pieces!!! YEAH!!!!!!!
i had nothing better to do @9:40 PM
Thursday, March 20, 2003
in 10 days im in my OWN APARTMENT!!! yeah!!! bye boys, bye grocery store bathrooms, so long laundromat, and goodbye being towed. i have not seen my bed since july and i have a VCR ive never touched and my own tv all waiting for me. im gonna get to make food and sleep whenever i want. and i got new sandals today.
and my canker sore is almost gone. i still can only eat on my left side but oh well. im so excited. i get my sewing machine soon and i can make clothes again. i can finish a quilt that's been waiting for like a year. i think living alone will be a nice neutral stand point in which i will be able to take a nice long look at my life and make some decisions. im part way considering going back for a second degree or actually using the one i have. warm weather is awesome. what a horrible winter i had.
im totally buying koolaid today.
i had nothing better to do @3:16 PM
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
i found out this morning that i got approved for an apartment i was looking at. the only thing is i dont know how to tell this one girl who wanted me to room with her. she has to move out next week if she doesnt find a roomie. still unbelievably poor. and i got the canker sore from hell on my lip positioned so my one crooked tooth rubs on it all day long. aparently you get them from stress and malnourishment. so could have been either one. when we go to war tonight, i have two siblings in the military. this is the note my mom sent out to our family today:
Things look like they may get ugly, so I ask that you
please say a prayer for all of our children going
overseas.
i have been in constant physical pain for almost a week now. but on a good note its been like almost a week since ive cried i think. lately things just dont seem real enough to cry about it seems. everything is fake. my story up to now is incredibly impossible. things like that just dont happen in real life in this country. i think ive somehow been selected from everyone on earth. the more things i realize, the less real things are.
i miss randall. but it seems like he's leaving and not just physically. everyone's got plans for something better. i dont even have plans for getting through tomorrow. it seems like things are falling apart slowly. they're small holes in the dam that i can put my fingers over so far but they're starting to appear too far apart and with too much frequency. i feel like i cant think anymore; like my brain is shutting down. i wonder when this will all end.
i had nothing better to do @7:48 PM
Monday, March 17, 2003
oh my. the things i get myself into. i got a job at a strip club as a cocktailer but when i told my mom she made me not take it. im still amazingly poor but i faxed an applicaiton for an apt today. i got my phone turned back on after two weeks too. i had nothing better to do @3:23 PM
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
im not happy. not at all. there are so many things i want to give up. but i dont know how. and i know you blame me for everything that's going on. and i know its my fault. but i just cant stop. i want to. i had nothing better to do @10:41 PM
im starting to see how im either a responsibility, an obligation, or just some play thing to almost everyone i know. there truly is no one on this earth that really cares for me. they all have better things to do than help me. i need big help and not just a couple bucks or a "cheer up". no one is willing to sacrifice or see me through. everyone is selfish. i am too. and i think i made God mad at me. i dont understand why my prayers arent being answered. maybe im being tested. im not gonna lose faith. sometimes everything is just so fake. its like im watching this happen and wondering, what's next?! its not real life. the course my life has taken has been tampered with. its not real anymore. i dont get whats happening. i had nothing better to do @10:29 PM
is depression real? am i really not to blame for his tears and cries? i give myself the guilt for all the things going wrong in his life. i see drawings he does of himself crying and it makes me think of how horrible i am. i dont know how to stop hurting him. i had nothing better to do @10:18 PM
Sunday, March 09, 2003
i am screwed beyond belief. where the hell is my money going?? im not buying anything, my bills arent getting paid...im just living outta my car eating other people's food. i wish i had my own place i could be in and then id never have to deal with people again. im tired of being around everyone. fuck you all for making me think, making me perform, putting your restrictions on me and giving me your pity. i dont want any of it. i want my own apt to sit in and just be ALONE. i know none of you will come to me and im ok with that cause i wont be going to you anymore too. go ahead and move. berate me for escape tactics then flee to AZ. i had nothing better to do @6:54 PM
Monday, March 03, 2003
after all the pain im going through i just LOVE that you go out of your way to cause me more. THANK YOU, BABY. give me your indifference. give me your mockery and condemnation. come on, everyone else in the world is against me why not you too? im heading for something and the more you give me the faster i'll get there so please, just help me out. something's about to kill me. disease, hunger, cold, debtors... no matter how hard i try, like, it gets turned around or it gets lost in something else. there's a great conspiracy of demons against me and im not sure how to defeat them yet or why i was chosen. i think if i were anyone else id be crazy or dead. i think im way stronger than like anyone else in the states. i wont say the world because of all the people who suffer torture and persecution but for the pampered people here, all i can say is: damn, you people dont have the balls i do to go through this because as of yet im not the looney walking down the street talking to my bottle of vodka. i can suffer all this and still uphold some image of normalcy. see how i go to work? see how i go to parties? see how just 20 min before i was screaming and breaking down in my car? now you do that. do it since you were born. live your life like that. go to school and get straight A's. tell Social Services your home life is FUCKING WONDERFUL!! plot against your siblings so that you arent the one he's after. make yourself perfect like i was. i was up every day at dawn and had the cleanest room in the house. i was creative, wanted to be a Dr, had lots of friends, did volunteer work and i was never in trouble. be perfect like that and dont let anyone know you;re in pain. dont even let yourself know. live that closely to your enemy. love him. do it. live that perfectly despite your many fears and pain. i bet you cant. you see why im so good babe? you think im over you and im not. ive just gotten that good at hiding it. im used to it. i can get that beating and 20 minutes later go to school and be perfect. what a wonderful child. so intelligent and she plays well with others. see me? see? because im nothing and i have no worth and unless they;re looking i disappear. i have to go back out there like nothing's wrong. it's how i exist. so go ahead and be this asshole to me, i still love you and im still gonna go to work like i should. i'll still do my makeup and nails. see if you can break it. see how cruel you can be so maybe one day i wont be like this. break me so hard i wont get up hoping no one notices the limp. do it. push me down and let me fall. let me stay on the ground for once. im tired of it. but i cant help doing it. i had nothing better to do @7:18 PM
what am i going to do? i cant ever catch up. looking for another job i guess. i need money. i cant even buy food; people always give it to me. i dont know how i'll buy my next tank of gas. no more money. i keep putting it in my account but its still negative. how will i ever afford a place to live. if i just had enough to catch up... and if i could just get this apt i think id be ok. but i dont have any money right now and these people do a credit check. i keep waiting and trying to do it the right way. im trying to earn it and all. i dont want to like, work weekends at a strip club but waiting to do it the right way just isnt working right now. im not even gonna say, what else can go wrong, cause i can think of things. i could get sicker, my family could die, i could lose my car... but thats about it. im trying to figure out if im just on the way to the bottom and maybe the faster i get there the faster things will get better. maybe i should jump the last 100 feet down. where am i gonna get money. i had nothing better to do @5:49 PM
i dreamt that i was at this spiritual fair and all things were represented. at this pagan booth i announced that i would be leaving my mom to go to the Christian booth. then on my way i started having sex with this guy because i needed to have lots of sex to have lots of babies so that there would be even more Christians in the world.
last night church was awesome. the message was good and this guy received a word and it was about me. i went up for prayer and met this awesome girl id met before and we ended up exchanging numbers. things i believe are gonna get better. they even talked about spiritual attack and stuff. and the apt of my dreams is up for rent in a month!! the only thing thats got me thinking is the missing girl posters and 30,000 cash reward posters for info on a guy's murder that i saw around the apt. poo. oh and i learned more about prayer and stuff and im thinking of taking a class so that i can be on the prayer minstry team.
i had nothing better to do @12:13 PM
Sunday, March 02, 2003
last night i dreamt we were in his car and he had just gotten back from mardi gras. he said he hadnt slept with anyone while he was down there and i guess we were dating again. these two guys gave me their number to hang out last night but i didnt call them. i ended up finding a 24 hr shop that sold crochet needles and i made jewelry all night. i wonder what he is doing down there. throwing beads for girls to flash you is like a form of prostitution. who has to pay to see girls' boobs anyway? i had nothing better to do @2:40 PM
Saturday, March 01, 2003
i had a dream about him. i was in trouble and he came and we ran to his car. he said he missed me while he was gone. it was a relief to see randall after being chased by the homeless men that were fighting and covered in blood. i had nothing better to do @10:06 AM
