this is my personal journal and i put all sorts of stuff up and talk about whatever the hell i want to. it may be offensive, i may talk about you, you may leave.
man life has been crazy. im so excited cause i found the perfect apartment but i dont know if its available. i called 8 times today but there was no one in the office. hardwood floors, they allow cats, in my price range, by the library!!, on the bus line, and ive been looking at them for like a year now. tomorrow morning i go to the food pantry. i get free food, but id rather work for it so im gonna try and volunteer. just taking it seems wrong. i cant pay, but i can work.
everything's werid. im like, learning things. i feel like nothing was right before. like, i just didnt get it. im learning stuff about God that is like humbling me in the worst way. im being told that even what i felt was false. that i dont know myself or my motivation. its too hard to explain what i mean right now. im just glad that lately my tummy is always full and im in a warm bed (however controversial that has been recently). im getting to be ok on my own. what a horrible transition. im used to being around so many people. im used to attention. being cute and adorable, or smart and responsible. im used to being in some role that gets praise. now its like, my self worth isnt coming from others. thats a weird thing to do. for me anyway. im also trying to self heal. im slowly working on dealing with issues of abuse and shit. ive cried like 20 times the past week just from remembering and just how life isnt fair. dude, i know its cheesey and all but that christina aguilera song on the new album (number 19) where she talks about how her dad abused her had me in so many parking lots pulled over and BAWLING my friggin eyes out. screaming and just becoming this broken being without anyone. i cant begin to describe what my past has done to me. it's made me a person i dont know. i seriously cant remember a lot of my childhood. ive repressed so much of it. the biggest question ive been asking is:
HOW DO YOU HATE THE ONE YOU LOVE?
i love my father. he's a different man. but im still fighting with the one that hurt me so much. i never resolved so much. how do i confront what i feel? the man that bruised my body and heart? i dont even believe in time travel because of this. i REFUSE to believe that ANYWHERE i can exist as a young girl hiding in a dark corner scared to death of him. dont you see what i mean? i dont care if some man comes from the future, i will never accept that the pain is still happening to some version of me. these are just words to you but im sitting here and my sides hurt, my eyes are wet and my breathing is heavy. it weighs down on me so much. just all the things that i can remember. the parts that i do. i hate screaming. i hate belts. i hate fists. i hate dark basements. i hate so much. he fucking punched me in the gut because i was pulling my sister off my bed. he said i could have hurt her if she fell on her head so he punched me. i fell to the ground. i cried that i couldnt breath and he said,
you're lying. if you couldnt breathe you wouldnt be able to talk right now
he never apologized. i "ran away". i took some stuff and the dog to the playhouse in the backyard. i knew i was just a little girl and couldnt really run away. but i showed him that i didnt want to be around him. eventually i had to go back in. and it was all the same again. i remember walking around the block one day barefoot on the hot pavement. the screams of my sisters were too much. did you ever have this fear that when you got home, your siblings might be dead? i thought he might kill them. i really did. eventually i went back. they were each in their own closet crying/hiding. i felt like such a bitch for leaving them with him but i was so scared. i hate that i can remember. i hate this fucking shit. i cant even write anymore. i cant see the keys or the monitor. i want it to end. i want to forget. how am i ever going to get over it all? and i love him!! he's my fucking dad. he's not like that right now. but im still not over who he was. there's so much more. my head is hurting. i think about it every single day. as if homelessness wasnt enough to deal with. what am i going to do.
i had nothing better to do @11:12 PM
man life has been crazy. im so excited cause i found the perfect apartment but i dont know if its available. i called 8 times today but there was no one in the office. hardwood floors, they allow cats, in my price range, by the library!!, on the bus line, and ive been looking at them for like a year now. tomorrow morning i go to the food pantry. i get free food, but id rather work for it so im gonna try and volunteer. just taking it seems wrong. i cant pay, but i can work.
everything's werid. im like, learning things. i feel like nothing was right before. like, i just didnt get it. im learning stuff about God that is like humbling me in the worst way. im being told that even what i felt was false. that i dont know myself or my motivation. its too hard to explain what i mean right now. im just glad that lately my tummy is always full and im in a warm bed (however controversial that has been recently). im getting to be ok on my own. what a horrible transition. im used to being around so many people. im used to attention. being cute and adorable, or smart and responsible. im used to being in some role that gets praise. now its like, my self worth isnt coming from others. thats a weird thing to do. for me anyway. im also trying to self heal. im slowly working on dealing with issues of abuse and shit. ive cried like 20 times the past week just from remembering and just how life isnt fair. dude, i know its cheesey and all but that christina aguilera song on the new album (number 19) where she talks about how her dad abused her had me in so many parking lots pulled over and BAWLING my friggin eyes out. screaming and just becoming this broken being without anyone. i cant begin to describe what my past has done to me. it's made me a person i dont know. i seriously cant remember a lot of my childhood. ive repressed so much of it. the biggest question ive been asking is:
HOW DO YOU HATE THE ONE YOU LOVE?
i love my father. he's a different man. but im still fighting with the one that hurt me so much. i never resolved so much. how do i confront what i feel? the man that bruised my body and heart? i dont even believe in time travel because of this. i REFUSE to believe that ANYWHERE i can exist as a young girl hiding in a dark corner scared to death of him. dont you see what i mean? i dont care if some man comes from the future, i will never accept that the pain is still happening to some version of me. these are just words to you but im sitting here and my sides hurt, my eyes are wet and my breathing is heavy. it weighs down on me so much. just all the things that i can remember. the parts that i do. i hate screaming. i hate belts. i hate fists. i hate dark basements. i hate so much. he fucking punched me in the gut because i was pulling my sister off my bed. he said i could have hurt her if she fell on her head so he punched me. i fell to the ground. i cried that i couldnt breath and he said,
you're lying. if you couldnt breathe you wouldnt be able to talk right now
he never apologized. i "ran away". i took some stuff and the dog to the playhouse in the backyard. i knew i was just a little girl and couldnt really run away. but i showed him that i didnt want to be around him. eventually i had to go back in. and it was all the same again. i remember walking around the block one day barefoot on the hot pavement. the screams of my sisters were too much. did you ever have this fear that when you got home, your siblings might be dead? i thought he might kill them. i really did. eventually i went back. they were each in their own closet crying/hiding. i felt like such a bitch for leaving them with him but i was so scared. i hate that i can remember. i hate this fucking shit. i cant even write anymore. i cant see the keys or the monitor. i want it to end. i want to forget. how am i ever going to get over it all? and i love him!! he's my fucking dad. he's not like that right now. but im still not over who he was. there's so much more. my head is hurting. i think about it every single day. as if homelessness wasnt enough to deal with. what am i going to do.
i had nothing better to do @11:12 PM
Monday, February 24, 2003
i called almost all my creditors today to reduce interest and payments. almost all my stuff is out of randall's apt. we lived together for over a year. i cant believe how much i had with him. i miss it all. i feel like im desperately trying to fit back into my most comfortable pair of pants from middle school but its just not happening cause ive outgrown them. i dont want to out grow him or move on. i want it back. im sorry i wasnt patient enough. im tired of this worthless person ive become. im bloody selfish. everything this month has sucked. i even had a super long period. that REALLY sucked. i had nothing better to do @7:48 PM
Saturday, February 22, 2003
welcome to hell, baby. here the rain never stops and neither does your misery. welcome to hell. the power goes out, you get towed, people go to jail, and life is fucking pointless. you peak too early. im on the downhill. no sooner do you get a diagnosis than treatment is twarted before it can begin cause you're poor. you're on the verge of passing out each day from hunger. i dont like this. disease, poverty, hunger, and misfortune have clothed me and i cant rip them off. people dont believe me and say what i feel isnt real because of the disorder. it's real to me. how can what i feel not be real? i've lost everything. even my car. i drove around with a friend for over an hour trying to scrounge together money. people are beginning to pity me. they buy me food. they see me cry. i dont understand how it will end. will i go to prison? will i be killed? cause this cant keep on going. its a path to ultimate destruction. all the drugs and alcohol are numbing me. how did i lose so much in so little time? how did i wind up here? i want to leave. please.... help me out of here. i had nothing better to do @7:10 PM
Friday, February 07, 2003
let's get married and run away. i had nothing better to do @7:36 PM
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
you dont let me feel for you or love you. you push me away when i try. you want to know why i dont let myself think about you and miss you all the time? cause id go crazy. im poor. i live in poverty. my name is on the list at the local food pantry. i can only go to free clinics and even they cant help me cause what i need is beyond basic care. my disease is getting worse and i need a Dr. for the first time im starting to really feel physical pain from it and it's scaring me. i hate seeing the blood. when i do think about you i dont cry. i mourn. i wail. i scream out for God. i want to just die in those moments. what else am i to do? i cant take anything back. you didnt let me prove love to you. you hurt me with your words. i have no where to GO. where can i think? where can i be alone? there's no place of rest for me, love. if it seems as if ive moved on its because i cant stand still when i own no place to stand. i want the world to just stop and let me mourn my stillborn love. this thing that was so alive and never got the chance to grow. there were so many possibilities for us. i want to just stop and go through our pictures and memories. when i start to im usually in a Subway or at a grocery store; they are like homes now. i read and pray at fast food places and i go to the bathroom in grocery stores. the tears start to come and this great overwhelming sense of utter hopelessness. im in fucking despair. im dying. physically and emotionally. spiritually im lost. im this hollow shell whose insides were lost during a premature labor and ive never recovered. there are no doctors for my ailment. im dying alone now. i wake up after dreams of you and im dead. what else is there when ive lost the only one i want. i dont belong anymore. nothing fits. this life is unbecoming on me. i miss you. my life misses you. my best friend. when i found out what happened to my brother i cried. but you were the only one i wanted to talk to. i debated for a while whether i could call you or not. you know me. i'll never know another man i can worship with, sew with, smoke a cigar with, travel with, speak spanish with.... there was so much i'll never have in another person. you were right. perfect. i even wonder every now and then if maybe something will happen for us still. its not that i never loved you or that i dont miss you. its that i loved you so much and therefore miss you with such a passion that id die if i let those things surface. what do you do when you mess up so badly that its all over so young? i didnt just pass my peak, i took the wrong turn in the fork and i cant ever go back. how am i going to continue down this path? i know im wrong. i know i messed up so badly. im so alone now. im so hollow.
i had nothing better to do @7:52 PM
