im so confused. there's something so wrong. he tells me things but i dont know whats true and what isnt. i beleive one of the thigns he's told me and now he's yelling at me like he didnt mean it. he's bitter toward God now. he thanks me for that. he's so mad and pissed. he doesnt let go of the hurt. he dwells in his pain. and its growing. its like hes about to die. how else do you contain what he feels? he wont let go of it. he wont forgive. he doesnt want to feel anything but sadness and hurt right now. he might explode. and i would just go crazy. i wish he was better. i miss him. he doesnt like to do anything anymore. he doesnt pray. he doesnt like being tickled. he doesnt want to hang out with friends or go to church. he doesnt have opinions on much outside of me and health insurance. he doesnt talk anymore about real stuff. he doesnt instigate anything. this blackness is eating him inside. its almost done consuming him and he just wont let go of it. like a cancer where the bad is about to overcome the rest of the good. he must be won over. the demons are leading him too far away. he wont stop holding his pain. this makes me tired. he told me not to stay tonight and i dont feel like driving up north or out east. makes it harder to get to work. and im tired. i wish he was just better. i miss him so much. i had nothing better to do @9:15 PM
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
sunday was the worst. i swear no one has ever been as alone as i was. who else could be screaming in hysteria in a parked car, have people go by them, and not have one person stop? who else could walk into church and walk to the altar and still be standing there unprayed for by the closing prayer? everryone else around me had someone approach them. who could walk out of church crying so much and not have one person stop them? who else could talk to their friends for hours and not have one person to hang out with? my family moved in august. no family. no friends. i recently lost my best friend (him). and no boyfriend. no apt to go to and mourn. i go to my car. and i drive. have you ever been invisible? have you ever been in the desert? have you cried for 30 min out to God? have you ever hurt for anyone to just touch you? im so broken. i was the arm that was growing in crooked and needed to be set. im in pieces. but someone just keeps pounding me more. how much pain must i endure until i can begin to grow right? ive lost 15 pounds in a week so far. im tired of people canceling plans on me.
i totally hate satan.
oh, i had my first ever whole beer today. i went to a gay bar with some girls at my new job. that was awesome. im glad im like, being a human being and doing something for a change. i think about him too much. being out tonight helped me to give my heart a break for a couple hours.
i had nothing better to do @9:58 PM
Sunday, January 12, 2003
read my entries. do you see how icky things sounded? so why am i so unhappy without him? why is there now this whole in me? that entry on the 6th. read it. do you see how i sounded? i want him back so badly i had nothing better to do @10:49 AM
Friday, January 10, 2003
in 3 seconds i lost him. a total of three seconds. 1 sec for a kiss. 1 sec for a touch. 1 sec to pull away. and there it is. how a year and a half with my love fell to pieces. he was my husband. i miss his touch and his warmth, i want his mouth and his affection again. im truly alone now. i had nothing better to do @5:12 PM
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
got a job offer today; i start tomorrow. my car insurance runs out today. randall wont let me touch him. he doesnt want to see me. i dont have any money. i had nothing better to do @3:38 PM
im such a whore. i had nothing better to do @12:22 AM
Monday, January 06, 2003
it's not healthy for a person to be with someone like him. you dont have a normal relationship. you dont have a person you can talk to or who wants to listen to you. you're on edge. he doesnt want to do anything. he doesnt care about anything. it eats you. you start to rot. i want to break something. i almost threw my phone and stoped myself. i almost threw the dishes and stopped myself. i wanted to bang my head against the corner of the doorway but stopped as i turned to face it. the frustration brings me to tears almost every day. im getting more scared of the dark. i want to seek compaionship from other men. im not getting what i need. i want him to be ok again. he's so no right. i had nothing better to do @5:16 PM
im so tired of this. why shuold i stay with a man who will have me do his dishes, clean the bathroom, cook every evening, lust after me but wont take me for a wife? why should i be with someone who is expecting me to support him as he goes to school (with FREE tuition) and he gets to look at other women and not marry me in case something better comes along? he frustrates me SO MUCH!!!! i had nothing better to do @4:43 PM
today and yesterday i hjave had the most amazing hair days.
ive been doing a lot of errands. today's is to get car insurance cause i only have a day or two left on mine. eeeps! i've been ok. health wise getting a bit better since ive started taking some medicines. randall's not ok. he's being consumed by this thing of discontent. he's lusting after all these things that will bring only a moment of satisfaction. he's empty right now. that's why he's so depressed. he seeks after things that have "potential" to make him happy. like his tattoo. camcorder. motorcycle. moving to St Louis. these wont make him happy. they'll only bring more confusion when he finds himself empty once again. he needs help. im happy. im content. im glad i dont need stuff. im glad im happy with anything. but it frustrates me to see him run after all these things. i dont know how to tell him to stop. he's only getting more hurt with every let down.
i had nothing better to do @3:11 PM
Thursday, January 02, 2003
i have had an amazing day today. ive stopped to thank God so many times already. im very happy. the interview went VERY well and i had a free oil change!! i had nothing better to do @3:14 PM
when randall says all these girls are pretty and says he's never content not even with me, i feel like shit. when he says he wants and wants and wants... he's fucking selfish and spoiled. he's used to getting whatever he wants. he wasted his first year at college getting high and having sex. he doesnt know what responsibility is. i grew up earning things. no one came to my house dressed as santa. i knew why there were few presents under the tree. randall never hid from fear. randall was never responsible for 3 younger siblings. he never wondered whether he could afford food. he thinks he can have everything and he CAN but he has convinced himself he cannot be happy without all his desires. and his desires continue to grow. when he gets something he thinks it's owed to him. im so happy whenever i get anything cause it's a gift. he's been upset lately. the past few days he's been frustrated. i think he has depression. he goes in cycles. everything is worth nothing and he just wants to die then a month later he's fine. i cant keep doing that with him. i cant keep running these circles after him. i think i'll go crazy. there's something wrong with him. he belongs too much to this world in so many ways. i just want to be with a guy that loves me and wont doubt me. he hurts me with what he says. he makes me want to puke.
i dont understand why he keeps me around. he plays around with me. he tells me something then cruely changes his mind. he makes me look stupid. he's getting so bad. he was never like this before. he's getting hard and cynical. he's negative and greedy. he sleeps like 12 hours. he thinks i do things to hurt him and frustrate him. i hear him in the other room talking to a guy. the guy is trying to be my defense saying im not trying to hurt him and that randall shuold realize what he has. randall wants to sleep with other girls. lots of other girls. he doesnt ever want to give up that freedom. he wants that stupid girl from the pizza place that's in high school. if i get that job i have the interview with, im gonna work to move out of here. im getting scared of how far down im going since being with him these past 6 months. ive done things that are illegal, against God's commands, and that i never thought id do before. something isnt right and he's hurting me too much. ive never cried this much in a relationship before. i've never felt like i was on such a roller coaster.
things are going better for me as far as seeing the ways i can work out of my hole. im getting this interview, there's money i can borrow, im liking my body more... but randall is going somewhere bad. he's getting in a very bad place. something's gonna happen to randall. he's not happy. he's mad. i dont know what he thinks anymore.
im going to take a bath.
i had nothing better to do @1:40 AM
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
had this long weird sex dream. anyway, i dropped off the app for the perfect job today and an hour later i got a callback for an interview!!! wheee!!! randall and i bought fabric and i got a lot for skirts. then we cleaned for a bit and i did the whole bathroom. we went out for mexican food and i had a lime margarita and carne asada. afterward we went to a couple's parents' house and drank and watched a movie into the new year. oh, when i peed (standing up of course) my pants i guess weren't pulled down far enough or my stream didnt have a strong start cause i dribbled on my panties!! so after i came out i announced this to everyone and put them in my purse. i still have some practice to do. im fine with a skirt or no pants, but now im trying to do it with my pants only pulled down a few inches. i should practice at home and not at other peoples' homes. oh, then we went to the grocery store for medicine and all the christmas crap was free!! candy, ornaments, plastic dishes, playing cards with snowmen... it was awesome! i've got another crush. i love talking with him and he has an awesome body but he's not a christian so im not even thinking about it. i had nothing better to do @1:58 AM