pull my finger

about this site

this is my personal journal and i put all sorts of stuff up and talk about whatever the hell i want to. it may be offensive, i may talk about you, you may leave.

* e-mail me *

i will never have enough:

luggage, purses, totes
coffee cups, travel mugs, tea
tattoos...well, maybe there's a limit
coats and jackets
craft supplies

Rated G
Vineyard Sermons
Joshua House Sermons
Rated PG-13
The Spark
Celebrity Tattoos
Craig's List
The Onion
Get Crafty
post your secret
Rated R/NC17
BME Body Mod
Suicide Girls
Purity Tests
Ask the Gypsie

today i'm The current mood of melida at www.imood.com

Tuesday, December 31, 2002
tomorrow i should get an appt for an oil change, find car insurance, drop off that application, clean the apt, and stop being horny. im missing my kitty. he's so nice. when i sleep in fetal position, he sleeps in the curve of the back of my legs. he's missing part of his ears from fights, but with me he's the most gentlest thing. and he's fat and poops A LOT. i love my baby.

i had nothing better to do @12:22 AM

Monday, December 30, 2002

no more alcohol, finally. sat night at the reception i had 3 fuzzy navels and the night before champagne. late sat night i had 4 bacardi silvers and sunday afternoon started with a french martini and ended with good wine. i didnt get drunk but maintained this tipsy state. today soemthing which could be awesome happened. then i got an email. the ones that tell stories of girls being proposed to but dont foward the email and that night the guy dies. i deleted it and as i did said, God, i do this in faith that you are more powerful that any curse from man. so, here it goes. i have about three hours to send the message but im not going to.

ive been incredibly sick but not in the conventional way. no colds or flus here. i started taking what i have left of the medicine today. disease sucks. i suppose it could be worse. i could have like AIDS, cancer, or a penis. for new years, i want a nice dinner, a few drinks (but no more than that), and to dance. how could anyone else $20,000+ in debt, diseased, homeless, and unemployed be any more optimistic and happy than i?

i had nothing better to do @5:09 PM

Sunday, December 29, 2002

was gone all weekend. randall was teh best man at a wedding. a lot of stuff went on. the wedding was nice and we danced a lot (once i had 3 fuzzy navels). fri night we crashed at the bride's parents' house and sat night we crashed a hotel room. there was a memorial dinner for randall's uncles tonight. um, a lot of stuff happened. unmentionables. so i leave it at this.

i had nothing better to do @11:47 PM

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

i went to sleep 4 hours ago. im already up. i wonder what randall is thinking right now. i wonder what he wants. he found out this morning his uncle died and he's at work for another hour. a friend called needing 4 last minute christmas gifts by tonight. my dad called and my family wished me well. i feel weird.

i had nothing better to do @9:58 AM

Monday, December 23, 2002

ok, i was a lil mean. he's not emotionless- he just ignores what he feels and doesnt act on it maybe. we're weaning off of each other. its like a divorce. the service last night is what actually convinced me that we had to do this. it's a long explanation. it has to do with sin and sacrifice. something better will come along. it may be someone else but it may be him again but in a refined relationship. one that is right. church was really powerful last night. the message was exactly what i needed to hear. they even had dancers which was cool and they rolled out a mat and were breakdancing. randall and i even got to help with the service by passing out cd's to the new people. i gave randall a present today. it'd been in lawaway for a while. im really proud of it because it's from ME. i didnt charge it. every time i earned cash from selling something i used that to make payments. i honestly worked for it. i even restrung it on wire instead of thread and shortened it a bit for him. he really likes it. i love giving gifts to people i love.

i had nothing better to do @5:26 PM

i broke up with him. im in such a mess and this is just another thing i dont want to deal with anymore so i gave it up. he's fine with it of course. he's an emotionless beast.

i had nothing better to do @3:32 AM

Friday, December 20, 2002

8:39p on a friday night and im here. eating leftovers with nothing to do. i got a Quilter's Magazine subscription for chrsitams and the first copy came today. i miss quilting. there was this one i was SO close to finishing but i cant find it! i think im gonna piece together scraps of couderoy and make a hippie dress. wish i had someone to come over and drink with or just be stupid with. bored. if i was back at *home* (no such place exists anymore) id have something to do. id have my parents, one of my 4 siblings, old work friends, church friends... here theres nothing but boys randall doesnt like me hanging out with.

poo, he just called and needs me to run out and get him lunch.

i had nothing better to do @9:07 PM

Thursday, December 19, 2002

ok, so far im late on like three bills, no job, unfulfilling relationship, no savings, family all far away, no more friends, sick, no insurance, stinky, wearnig dirty clothes, stuck inside, and i havent made this really important thing due tomorrow. yup, im in a poop hole. i dont feel like doing anything. i wanna like, just sit and look at pictures in a book. christmas is here too soon. all my family is disappointed cause i wont be seeing them this year, um, i havent told them yet though so they are expecting me. i have like this huge, unnatural crush on this guy that's lasted for two years through two boyfriends. this is one of those when a bird falls in love with a fish deals- it just wouldnt work. i think its one of those things where it seems cool in your mind but in real life id be like, what the hell have i done? maybe if i just like, got together with him one day to talk to him then id realize how stupid i am and be through. ive ALWAYS got a crush, just never one thats lasted this long before. randall's gift comes in the mail tomorrow. he hasnt gotten me anything yet but i kinda dont know if i want anything. ive borrowed a lot of money and at first i was like, how cool would it be for him to propose?! but now, i dont know that i want to be married to anyone. he's brought up so many points about how marriage sucks and stuff. and after a while that little flame that burns low but incessantly just goes out. i dont want to share my life with anyone any more. i want my body to be my own. i dont want someone resenting me like i took away some freedom. im tired of people saying marriage is a sentence. i dont want to discuss bills and finances. and i dont want kids. i dont see the point in kids. it takes too long to raise them and they're so expensive. people have heartattacks and grey hairs because of kids. i dont want to like, say randall changed my mind about everything, but man im just tired of hearing him. im sick of bringing up counterpoints cause he's already told me he doesnt want advice or to discuss; when he bashes life and marriage he just wants me to listen, so i have been. but not lately. lately i just sit and stare out the car window thinking about how i would escape if he ran the car off the bridge or i keep stringing beads onto a necklace. im tired of his pessimism and negativity. i cant deal with all his doubts and frustrations when i cant even say something to him when he talks to me. yeah i love him. i know he has awesome qualities i may never find again. but i cant marry who he is; this irrational, emotional person who runs through the same circles over and over. he is making no progress. back in september when we broke up he did this. i cant stand this when there is no fruit for this labor. if work makes him so stressed out and upset, do something about it!! you have the same questions you did a YEAR ago. i know you're thinking about marriage and me but all you bring up are the bad points. if these are the only things that come to mind then be done with me. i dont know who im talking to since he doesnt read this. im so frustrated. it makes me want to bang my head on something. i cant even begin to explain how senseless some of these things are. like, he says he respects marriage and stuff and says how awesome it is and how great God's creation is but to me he expresses his doubts. his own questions about marriage for himself. and it makes me want to scream when we're in public and he's congratualating a couple or buying a great gift for their wedding. just hours before he could only talk about how hard it is and how you lose all this freedom and- i dont know. im reaching some kind of limit here. he's running circles. he's like condemning himself to remaining single but at the same time like dragging me along with this little tease of matrimony. i dont know if i want to run out marry the first christian i see or say F*CK IT! to marriage once and for all living only for myself til the end. i just want AN ANSWER, something different than the same scenery he's taken me through before. this dubious place of confusion. im growing so weary of it. i dont think i have been such a frustrated person before. 3 times today i just burst into tears- these arent the kind i get when i watch the news but mouth wide-open bawling. the despair of utter hopelessness. and i said today, maybe you just need some time alone to get your decision made as far as school and a career and a job. and he said, if im not with you, i wont choose you. well, he isnt choosing me while he IS with me either. he's overusing my resources. im ok supporting him and helping him and being patient but this is the same thing we did just a couple months ago, and a couple months before that... there's this integral step missing. something that has something to do with maturity and decision making, a STEP FORWARD. i feel like im stuck, i really really do. i want out of this horrible loop. it's like a record of the YMCA song on repeat. yeah its ok a few times, kinda funnie. then it gets annoying but after long enough you want to hurl yourself out a window. im looking for a window. you dont understand what no growth is like. its like working at the grocery store with high schoolers as a cashier til youre 50. i cant do this. i hate it. i feel like i cant go out even. im in the same room all the time having the same conversations with him over and over and over. i tired of hearing about the same fights with the people at work but most of all im so tired of the talks on marriage. we've exhausted the subject to every extent. it makes me want to scream.

*sigh* what am i going to do. its not even a question cause i cant imagine an answer right now and its like my mind just got over diahhrea so there's no energy or nutrients left to consider anything else. im probably a bad girlfriend. but ive waited for so long already. ive put thigns on hold for him. i want to go ahead and get a full time job here and maybe take classes again but now he's talking about moving to St Louis! how much longer am i supposed to follow him? how many more whims am i going to entertain for him? mine was to go to WA and i was working thigns out. i had price quotes, possible apartments, i was looking at jobs, schools... he told me going with me was his commitment to me. that the move was how he would show the importance of the relationship to me. and i told him, babe, you dont know what will happen but he insisted that would be it. now he's saying, no. he's not going to washington so now im not either. but im still here for him in ohio and he's expecting me to move to St Louis for him? or am i not even a part of that plan? i dont understand how someone my own age can have such a decision making deficiency! ok, i understand marriage is a big thing, but why cant you pick a major then??? how about a school???

it all makes me want to scream so loud everyone hears and is afraid but also just fall into a lump on the ground and lose all animation. i cant tell if it makes me want to go crazy or limp. i dont know what im going to do. i think im going to try and work on that headpiece for the wedding next week since she's picking it up tomorrow. i dont know how i'll sit through that wedding without feeling jealous or sorry for them.

i had nothing better to do @11:49 PM

this lady stopped me in the grocery store at 4am to talk about my hair. she said she loooooved it, that i shouldnt cut it, and told me about a hair place she went to. it's called rapunzel's and they specialize in long hair but will do anyone's. she said mine was awesome though and didnt need any work. that made me feel good. today however was poopy. lots of poopy. i realized an hour ago im wearing the same outfit i have been since like mon or tues. last night in my dream someone gave me a certificate or award but it was in a folder cause it had to be kept a secret. ick, i should shower. i think its been since tues.

i had nothing better to do @9:16 PM

oh yeah, i went to subway for lunch and guess what?
1 i used an unsigned credit card- no one asked for ID
2 i signed the receipt with my name, MELIDA
3 the name on the card is RANDALL. not only am i not male, but i signed the receipt with a name other than that on the card.

i never thought credit fraud could be this easy. of course i had randall's permission but STILL. i hate when i use my card at a store and on my card i have REQUEST ID and they never even turn it over. half of all theft could be stopped right at the cash register i think. im gonna tell them about this tomorrow, like a 20/20 investigative team and see what spiel the manager gives me. i hope they dont call the cops.

i had nothing better to do @2:08 AM

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

another sex dream last night. it was with a guy friend of mine on this giant waterbed. i remember thinking, "should i tell randall that the number of people ive had sex with went up to 6 while we were dating?"

randall is like, going crazy. he's getting REALLY stressed out and upset. its like everything is pissing him off but he's not coming down from it so the next thing that comes along sends him higher. he's started cussing more too. it seems like i kept waking up in my sleep to being elbowed or rolled over which never happens. i can tell he's discontent. you can tell in his blog even. it's making me upset too. he hates everything. he talked about like, leaving earth and stuff and i know that heaven is awesome, but we're here for a reason, you know? Even Jesus did the best he could (which was pretty damn good) while he was here. Yeah we strive to be with God but i dont think it should be to the point that we're like, hating where we are and wishing we were there already. he's not going to kill himself, but i AM a part of his life and when he says he's not happy with it, like, that's me too. i know its not me cause its him. his work, his relationship, his health, his schooling- nothign is pleasing him. so the problem cant be me, but it still makes me feel like crap when he says stuff like there's nothing here worth being here for, or something like that.

still poor, still unemployed, still homeless, but damnit, it just aint that bad. wow, i used to NEVER say bad words...

i had nothing better to do @11:38 PM

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

last night i dreamt about my grandmother. i walked into a room with all these people and i saw her crying and her nose was running. i ran up to her and hugged her and began crying horribly. i was really upset over her condition. she was like, not all there. she was holding me so tight that when i realized that the saltiness in my mouth was her tears and snot i couldnt pull away but i also couldnt close my mouth cause i was crying out so loudly. i think i was thinking of her before i went to bed. when i woke up and my mom called i wondered if she was gonna tell me that she died. she has cancer even in her brain. i was never close to her because of my grandfather; he's the worst one ever. he has favorites and is a horribly cruel man. i feel sorry for my grandmother and that her only caretaker right now is that insensitive, unloving beast. i still think about what it would be like to beat him up sometimes. i also had a dream i was smoking with some people and i was on the floor staring at their feet and i was laughing really hard but the thingy was rolled loosely so some of it fell on me and i was picking it up. then looking up my dream self realized that randall should smoke with his friends and i would be perfectly ok with it. then the night before i had a dream that i was having sex with randall and this other guy but the guy was like a ghost. it was crazy. i will not go into details although i remember them very well.

gotta go, about to be sick again

i had nothing better to do @6:02 PM

Monday, December 16, 2002

poo. i woke up and everything was great then around 2pm everything sucked and i cried so hard my nose bled. im so friggin emotional. i dont know what i should do. i thought about just driving out somewhere but gas is expensive. im behind on bills now. i was all set to go pay one when it just seemed like the whole world came down on me and i lost all energy and will to do anything but cry into a pillow. the banks are closed now. i feel like charging a bunch of clothes to make me feel better but the more i think about it, i cant think of anything that would cheer me up. not even a bunnie which would usually have me skipping to my car so i could drive to the pet store. i got my christmas presents from my family in texas today and they were awesome but i just dont feel like talking to anyone so i havent called to thank them. that makes me feel really bad. bah. i need to sleep more or something. i dont feel like dealing with anything.

i had nothing better to do @5:42 PM

dropped out 3 pieces at a new store today!! i sell them for $17 but they're retailing for $40. oooooooh... at the bachelorette party, i woke up sunday morning with teh girls laughing cause i guess iwas talking in my sleep about my hair and moaning a lot. it was alright. we played a lot of games and stuff. i think i look awesome today. i love my hair when its really wavy and not frizzy. it goes almost to my butt. i was actually pretty set on breaking up with randall maybe yesterday but we talked. when we each left on sat morning we were both like, this is over- but i think he had time to think and all. oh, and we saw 9 1/2 weeks last night cause all the people at his work are always talking about it and he'd never seen it. the whole time i was like, that stupid, b*tch! how can she be so stupid?! and all during Lilo and Stitch he was like, that is so wrong! i cant believe she just hit that kid and so forth. i loved that movie though; i thought it was awesome

i had nothing better to do @11:18 AM

Friday, December 13, 2002

lots of thoughts. 1) im not well again. stupid cough that lasted 2 weeks is back. 2) i wonder if perscription medication suffering temps from freezing-100 degrees can still work. the stuff is EXPENSIVE and i cant really buy more again. however i cant afford another appointment. the last one was like hundreds of dollars. i should ward off another with the meds i have left i guess but they changed shape and color in my trunk. 3) those chicken wings i just had, yuck. really hungry, but everything sounds disgusting. the only thing i think id eat right now- Waffle House hashbrowns scattered, covered, peppered. no one to go with. no money to use. 4) i feel like im distancing from randall. it seems like he's run into a block. and this block has told him "you could marry her, but... " and it's this "but" that is getting to me. it's no longer "should we get married or not", but, "there's something holding me back", i just dont know what it is. that's seems like a decision to me. sounds like a No. i know he has a lot of choices before him but i dont see him working on any of them. he isnt picking a major, enrolling in school, looking at a new apartment, seeing a counseler for advice, applying to another school- nothing. he's complaining that he cant make decisions and stuff. i love him, i love being with him, i could never find another man like him, and i know i could be happy married to him, but he's been at this block for months now. how much longer am i supposed to wait? it sounds to me like his answer is no and maybe he just doesnt want to admit it because NO is a decision and he is, afterall, the one that has damned himself into believing he can not make decisions. i think about breaking up with him. but then i think about Christmas. presents. families. the living situation. money. hanging out. his face. love. God. and ugh! i get stuck. like, "maybe i should wait longer".. is always what i end up at. if i wasnt living with him, i wouldnt be so dependent on him. this might change a couple of things. one- i might actually break up with him. two- he might actually realize from that absence that it is me he wants. im not waiting for a proposal, he's the one that has given himself this decision. he's told himself he has to know- marriage or not. so its not, yeah i really like you let's keep dating. he's looking at whether or not we should get married and if it's no, we break up. it's so frustrating. i want to move out, but to where? a lot of people have invited me in but id feel like a burden or something. im working on my jewelry and i am definately working at getting another job, too. i keep applying and making resumes. this week ive contacted like 4 employers. everything from starbucks, to call centers, to the university. from $7/hr to 35,000 salaries. i think the pressure is really showing up. at first it was me feeling like this was some application process and i got really paranoid around randall- was i gonna say the one thing that would make him decide about marriage? i felt like he held my future in his hands. my heart was already on the sacrificial table and i was waiting for him to kill me or save me. then i kinda started to get annoyed. im giving him everything from love and affection to staying in ohio and he keeps quizzing me!! if we were married...? sometiems i feel like there might be wrong answers. but i think in reality, you just cant have all the answers beforehand. his endless questioning really shows me his doubts and apprehension. and it bothers me that he isnt making ANY choices. he doesnt even know where he wants to study or what. i dont want marriage so i can have children and a house already. im not ready for settling down and wont be for a while. it would be nice for the companionship and sex though. and i wouldnt want to get married for a while anyway. but he's put this deadline on our relationship- marriage or breaking up? if its so important to him i want to see that. i want to see him making real progress in his thoughts and understanding. im a HUMAN BEING not some lunch special you can decide between. i feel sometimes like this whole process is demeaning. like im this object subject to an owner's whims. it upsets me. it makes me feel almost unolved. this realationship has become like a process or procedure lacking in love and emotions. its not longer what we feel but what's right, what should happen. it's become, will she be jealous? will she hit our kids? will she cheat on me? THE FUTURE TENSE a thing he hardly believes in anyway. what about right now? i love him now. he loves me now. that is why we should be together. we shouldnt break up just because, "somewhere in the future i think i'll come across a woman who i'll be sexually attracted to". cant we deal with that when it comes, IF it comes? i ask him things. stupid things and serious thigns and he answers, "i dont know. i cant predict the future. anything can happen" even to, "would you cheat with her?" then why does he think he can make this decision that will affect the rest of his life. he doesnt want to make it without knowing all this stuff, but you know what, babe? you cant predict the future. marriage wouldnt be a COMMITMENT under a CONTRACT if it was always easy to stick to! yes, there will be trials, yes some days i might piss you off and YES there will be other women you will be sexually attracted to but these are thigns that will come no matter who you're with. i feel like he's not choosing me because of those. those things what come in any marriage. i feel like im right, but that i have to be perfect in his eyes before he'll choose me because he's scared of those thigns that might come. this pisses me off. this makes me sad. i feel like he isnt ready to make this decision but he's making himself do it. it's hard to keep 100% by his side and having 100% confidence in his decision when i see these flaws in the process. i think his answer will be flawed. there are variables in the equation that will throw him off.

if he reads this, which i have no idea if he will, i think he'll be pissed. really upset. i didnt write it to complain or secretly tell him how im feeling. this is what's going through my mind right now. and i like to have records of what i think. and there's something else. ive tried telling him a few times but i dont think he's understood. i think im wrong, but this question still exists. i've fallen to a bad habit after being so good about it for so long and it's confusing how i see things. it takes away from driving, work, relationships, friends...ugh i think he'll be upset when he finds out about this. sometimes im so desperate for an answer i push for one. when im frustrated, i push for a No just to know and have an answer. i think im just blurting out unrelated thoughts now. i dont want to go out this weekend. i want to stay in and just make stuff. 5

i had nothing better to do @8:51 PM

busy, busy, busy. still on a hunt for the elusive "job". created a resume tonight that i'll be dropping off at my local university. made a few sales this week, expecting quite a few tonight from my friend's church. i send out the two necklaces bought on ebay today, too. im so excited.

anyway, at my local drugstore i began to see how sucky it is to not have health insurance. for instance: i am allergic to benzoyl peroxide. oh it works, it clears up EVERYTHING in one day! but for that one day, im red, itchy, and swollen. my face is like one big hive. and this was not a one time occurance; i periodically check to see if im still allergic cause man, what the heck else am i gonna use? which brings me to the answer: birth control. my Doc first gave it to me when he found out id pop 4-8 advils per dose every month. he told me it was really bad, and i told him cramps were really bad. we tried a few things, but, ah, birth control. even randall loves it, he says im not so mean when i take it. since ive been off it ive noticed how my emotions are starting to go more extreme. i think you can track this if you go through past entries. see the ones where i sound suicidal? my point... oh, ive been so darned busy/lazy lately i dont ever wash my face so i broke out and it made me wish i had something for it. next item on the agenda:
im wearing my own jeans again!! but MAN did it take some wriggling to get them on. i cant yet tell if im losing or gaining weight again however i do find it hard to keep my butt contained in my pants. but at least my pants are clean. i did 7 loads of laundry today in 2 hours. i totally dominated the laundromat, "yeah, im gonna use all 6 washers, why?" im dominated with my stink! the pants i wore had been worn for 9 previous days and 3 by randall. it was not good. they were falling off cause i forgot a belt, i had ripped boxers underneath (underwear does not yet fit over ass) and my hair was scraggly. i think i looked homeless.

oh and i prayed for something today, and got it like 4 seconds after saying Amen. so im happy.

i had nothing better to do @5:15 AM

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

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oh no, it never DOES end, does it?

i had nothing better to do @8:15 PM

i hate this!! grrrrr.... not only do my pants not fit, but even my underwear are too small now. man, i really need to excercise. what the heck am i supposed to wear today?!

i had nothing better to do @1:23 PM

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

how do people start dating nowadays? ahem..do you want to go steady? that's weird.

been working on my site and im getting really excited. i cant wait til my domain works cause then i can do my switching around. i dont think i could date an oompa loompa. they had like those knees that went out to the side and bad hair dos. plus they were so serious and sung those dumb songs all the time. no wonder they were going extinct; plus i think they were all males. um, this is my thought of the hour.

i had nothing better to do @11:59 PM

ok, im about to move. this will soon be melida.org but that will be business so my bloggy woggy will have to go to some subdomain which i havent created yet. org often evokes thoughts of the UN, ASPCA... but i plan on changing that. here is my marketing strategy:


this is great. i should work in advertising. .ORG no longer stands for organization as in non-profit. because, baby, i am FOR profit!!

i had nothing better to do @6:11 PM

i was on BME looking at piercings when i realized that there are a lot of ugly boobies out there. i dont like the way big boobs look- all stretched out and heavy and dis proportioned. i dont like stretch marks on boobies which i guess a lot of girls have. i dont like really dark nipples or pink nipples either. i hate the way tan lines look. and some nipples are just way too big. im happy with mine however. how blessed i am. i would only change one thing i think- id get my left nipple pierced again.

i had nothing better to do @5:46 AM

i just made my first pair of underwear, yeah!! i used a shirt that had the logo of randall's dad's company he used to have.im gonna practice on a couple more pairs before i start using my nicer tees. you should make you own pair of t-shirt panties. mine ride really low but that's ok cause it reminds me of the 70's

had a dream last night that an old boss im'ed me and said i should go to portland so he can be through with me. i also dreamt i was escaping from some house where the mom was after me. i think at first i was this guy at the girlfriend's house. then i went to this barbeque where everyone was hispanic and we could fly.

im still applying for jobs. went to one place today and demanded to know why i wasnt given a call back despite my exquisite credentials and availability. she said she'll get back to me. if not, i'll be stopping in again. im thinking of buying a domain where i can sell used panties. something easy, in demand, and that'll bring money in. hmmm...

i had nothing better to do @4:18 AM

Monday, December 09, 2002

what would be the tip of the "everyone's getting married but me" iceberg? two younger siblings getting married. i think im going to pull my hair out and bang my head against the desk now.

i had nothing better to do @1:04 AM

Sunday, December 08, 2002

oh baby... two new turqouise necklaces that ROCK (and one is mine! cause i accidently messed up the bead count so no one will buy it now), hot chocolate and marshies, and grilled cheese...mmmm....this is like, my day's orgasm. and soon randall will be here to watch movies, today is sweet.

i had nothing better to do @12:31 AM

Saturday, December 07, 2002

it's happened. someone took one of my ORINGINAL designs and is selling a cheaper version. yes it's poorly made and the materials are base, but i will not let it go. this is the woman right next door to a boutique i sell in. the store which i sell these thigns in EXCLUSIVELY. where do you think she got the idea from? im not gonna be mean about it, but that's just rude. im gonna have a talk with her.

in other news, ive scored turquoise!! yes! i cant wait to make something.

i really like randall. but i miss him. yesterday he worked from 4:30p-6:15am. then he had breakfast with a coworker, ran an errand and then had to be back at work at 1:45p. i miss him. he's my baby.

i had nothing better to do @6:37 PM

i had this dream that my sister and i were going to the jc penney warehouse with her military clearance. everyone was blessing everything cause it was soem kind of grand opening. they were even blessing the guard's station. but there was this guy (who was pretty cute) and he had the same powers i did. he could fly and was really strong but was bad. he was holding some of the owners hostage in a barn. i was the only one that could fight him because we were equally matched and we had some common ground; we were raised together or trained together- somethign like that. so i went into the barn to fight him which was pretty hard cause he was throwing a lot of things and was really trying to kill me i think. man, he was cute. then i was outside and there were all these cheerleaders. a team was training another team for some event where they would be working together and i was there to assist. then i was in ft. worth at my huita's (grandma's) house. i was in my uncle's bedroom looking out the window and huita was in the bathroom. then an old boss called and said he wanted randall and i to go with him to this new home accessories store that you needed a membership for. i really wanted to go but ended up sleeping in. i dont remember the rest. all that really stayed with me was that really cute guy from the barn. man....

im eating a pomegranite. my fave fruit,, mmmmmm

i had nothing better to do @2:04 PM

i really like who i am. im glad im nice and honest. im trustworthy and giving. im glad that i know strangers who appraoch me wont be robbed, raped, or harmed. im glad to be a person that would pay a stranger's bus fare home; to not give a second thought to that $50. im glad i believe in God and Jesus. that i know there's something above me and i hunble myself to that power. i like that im creative. i like that i can make pretty things. i like that im not materialistic. i like that i can live on very little. i like that i love humans. that every one i see is worthy of my love and compassion. i like that i cant watch the news without crying. i like that when i hear sirens i pray for those people- whoever they are and their hearts. i like that when i watch a movie im not as in to the action as i am the people who are left behind. when i see a car chase im not thinking about the main character but the family in the van that was just run off the road or the man on the sidewalk who was thrown to the ground. i like that i dont get so caught up in things that i forget about those people. i like that i love people. i like that i cry when i see someone on tv who won the lottery. i like that i think about those that are suffering. i like that i wish i could be in their place. im glad i can go to church. im glad the songs are more than just music and words. im glad i worship God. im glad im not stuck up. i dont think im better than people. i like that im sensitive. i like that i feel what others feel. i like my hair. i like being mexican. i like the opportunity to show people that i am mexican. i like that ive grown up around other cultures. i like that they can see im not a stereotype. im glad the people who know me see my love and education and know im a mexican. because we go to school. we arent all catholic. we are individuals. im glad i have dark eyes. im glad im not a stereotype of beauty. im glad i find so many people attractive. i see beauty in all races, hair colors, and sizes. im glad im a mexican who cant tan. i love that im a christian who has tattoos and piercings. i love that people tell me im not what they thought a christian was. im glad they see my heart and not my exterior. im glad they dont feel judged by me. i love that im nice. im glad that i can be so many things; loud, quiet, lazy, organized, child-like, mature, smart, silly... i love that i jump on the bed. im very happy with who i am. i wish everyone could for a moment see themselves. to not search for who they are. to not doubt their longings. to not mold to a stereotype. to not immitate another. i wish they could see how beautiful and wonderful they already are and love that person. i wish they could see how much they have. i wish they could be content. i wish they could smile. i wish they would cry from joy. i wish everyone had a pain in their heart from loving so much. life is so awesome.

i had nothing better to do @1:55 AM

Friday, December 06, 2002

the latest scores are in:
"You are... 71% ...compatible! You're SO in! I mean, this is a match made in heaven. You're in there like swimwear. You've found your match and you better hold on tight, because it don't get no better than this. Congratufreakinlations! But don't blow it, though. Seriously. This is it. The big one. If you screw this up, there's a pretty good chance that you'll probably die homeless and penniless and no one will ever love you. But, hey, buddy, no pressure!" brought to you from The Spark.

today i worked on a project present for randall that he has no idea about. its gonna be sweet. then i bought him chapstick and lunch. and his best friend and his fiance and i met him on his lunch break. im really quite bored. im alone so much of the time. i feel weird hanging out with my guy friends since i guess a lot of them like me and id be pissed if randall was with girls that wanted him. and i know like two girls so im pretty lonely right now. plus, im on a different schedule. i wake up like at 3pm and go to bed around 7am. i think being with randall im slowly becoming anti social. i start getting quiet around his friends cause im not used to people who do drugs and stuff and then i moved from the east side to the west side cause thats where he is. and i dont feel right hanging out with my guy friends. and girls dont really like me. maybe cause i burp, pick my nose, and talk about sex a lot. all the girls i know are those good christians that dont do that stuff. randall said i shouldnt not tell them thigns but i know that if i did they'd feel weird. they'd be uncomfortable with how loud and open i can be. but then i dont want to hang around people i have to censor myself for cause thats no fun.

people sometimes find it weird that im a christian but drink sometimes and talk about sex. i dont see the big deal. im not getting drunk and im not a prostitute or sleeping around. sometimes i just like to say things or make jokes. ah well.

i had nothing better to do @11:34 PM

Thursday, December 05, 2002

this is my fave necklace right now. it's kinda low on me though but oh well.

lots going on i guess. when i grow up i want to be Shakira.

i had nothing better to do @4:29 PM

yea!! im so happy im going to pee then skip around!

1. happy reason
2. my other happy reason

and these are my words of encouragement: May you always love what you do and earn enough to keep on doing it :-)

i had nothing better to do @2:39 AM

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

im sad today; i hate feeling like i dont belong. i am currently packing all my things into my car and im thinking of ending up at this house where my friend and her dad live. i dont know though, i hate being a burden to people. i wish it was summer cause then id just sleep while they were at work and be gone by the time they got back. id go to a park or walk downtown. winter sucks cause you get horribly ill after sleeping outside for a week and you need more clothes. also, i hate it being so dark.

i sent my resume to a company today and talked to their human resources person. im asking for a $35,000 salary. ive got bills coming up and no money so i need something but it's depressing me. i dont want to work in some cubicle. i dont want to dress "proffesionally". i dont want to be somewhere at a set time everyday. i dont want my breaks monitored or issued. im going to hate my life. everyone keeps saying that's reality that i should stop living in some fantasy world, grow up, and get with it already. but i seriously dont see the point of living a life you hate. i dont want to work for someone else just so i can pay a rent. what will be the MEANING of my life? i went to school for 5 years to get a degree because EVERYONE told me then more doors would be open and i could do something i wanted. well i CANT. im NOT DOING IT. now these same people are telling me life is no picnic and you take what job you can get. my degree only allowed me to get a job i'll still hate but that comes with a chair. i hate all these liars. i hate people telling me life is working a job to earn lots of money regardless of what the job is. i really really hate this. if im not happy then why LIVE? this is seriously my question.

i dont care that im great at customer service, bilingual, a great communicator, a college graduate, punctual, pretty, and organized. i look great on paper but horrible in real life because im sad. i dont belong anywhere and im just wandering around. they're telling me this is a great job. 401k, insurance, paid vacations, a desk... and because i'll make money. she keeps telling me to get a job that PAYS well. i want a job where i'll be happy but then she tells me that life is not that. life is paying your bills. life is getting retirement. life is getting the big house. life is not depending on a man. life is earning enough money to leave a man whenever you want. but if all this is what life is, i dont want it. i dont want life. i dont want to live it. i just dont belong here. in no one's home, in no one's life. i dont want this.

i had nothing better to do @5:34 PM

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Teeth in dreams. the most often recurring dreams i have are of: my teeth falling out/ being really weak and fragile; flying, though sometimes struggling to fly; sex with a woman/ man/ monk and woman/ three men..... lots of variations; BATHROOMS, lots of those. trying to find one but there arent any, they're too dirty, overflowing...; finding things i lost a long time ago or things i never really had but im extremely excited when i wake up cause i go to my purse expecting to find that gorgeous ruby or whatever like in my dream; being paralyzed in my bed with this bright light near me

when i get up in the morning i can remember like 3-5 dreams. i dream a lot and i usually remember them.

i had nothing better to do @7:01 PM

i just made two boxes of jello for randall cause his stomach hurts and he has to go to the Dr. he gets a stomach ache like every day but the past few days its been really bad so he's finally getting a looksie.

i had a weird dream that randall and i were in this bathroom and we killed someone and there was blood splattered all over the walls with something else that looked like mustard and mayonaise. i then realized there was no lock on the door and someone could walk in and catch us so we ended up going into the women's bathroom instead. there was a really pretty girl there that randall was talking to but i was busy having sex with this guy that's famous but i cant remember who. thats the first time ive ever dreamt of a famous guy. he had dark hair and glasses and looked kinda like antonio sabato jr or something. but there was blood and i was like, what's going on? i thought he was bleeding maybe but i was like, oh well. randall didnt seem to mind at all and just kept talking to the girl while waiting for me. later there was all this weird stuff like being chased, my old high school, and losing my teeth. i hate dreams about losing my teeth which i have like 5 times a year. my mom has a lot of those too but randall said he's never dreamt that. im gonna look up its meaning in a sec. when i woke up my stomach and back hurt and i was nauseous so i thought i had what randall has but then i thought about my dream where there was all that blood when i was having sex with that guy and i guess it was my body's weird way of telling me it's been 28 days already. so two advil later im ok but randall is still in pain. my poor baby =(

i had nothing better to do @6:31 PM

Monday, December 02, 2002

lots lots lots going on. getting sick again. getting poor. but im not too worried about it. worst case scenario- going to jail where there's heat, nutritious food and tv- three things i dont have right now and take from other people.

went to ANOTHER wedding on saturday; catholic churches are not protestant friendly. all those responses, songs, rituals... i felt like a weirdo for not knowing what to do. and then when you take communion its like, thats strong wine! and the dude is like, just give the cup back and dont back wash it. it was gooood food though. and with every wedding i go to (with like 7 more coming up) i start to really destest the idea of getting married. im thinking im just not the marrying kind. at this point, ive lost interest in most everything but the money and sex- and i dont need marriage for that. well, i mean, you shouldnt get married just for that. im getting disappointed in men as far as marriage. and i dont feel like giving up my name. furthermore, men are as human as women, why should i let a man as faulted as i am be my spiritual lead? i can talk to God on my own and do His will without a husband. i dont want to fully devote myself to some guy who will lust after other women. i want my OWN name. i dont want to be Mrs. Him Him Him Jr. where do I go? im not Mrs "my husband" why cant he be Mr Melida? well? what happens to the girl whose name is on my degree and diploma? the girl who has a jewelry line named after her? im not his shadow. so screw domestication. i want to travel, work, socialize, and be MYSELF. not Mrs someone else, Mrs someone else's support. Mrs follow someone around. i hear all these wedding vows spoken by these women, "i give you my life" i will go where you go, stay where you stay" "i will be your support" "you will be my lead" but the men arent making the same promises!! they say "i'll give you a home" and stuff, but HELLO!! That's prostitution of free will. a man will give me more than money. money i can make on my own. if i give a man my sexuality he will do the same and not hoe his mind around to every pretty girl he sees which isnt possible i guess so its just too bad that i wont be getting married. men are conditioned to expect sexual gratification and their sexuality is encouraged through socialization from birth. that just wont happen in my marriage. sexual equals or nothing. i cant stand men that love a girl going down on him but going down on a girl is "disgusting". i cant stand a guy that doesnt like condoms and EXPECTS his woman to take birth control. and im not saying i want some weak man who will do anything i say, i want him to have guts and a personality. i want my equal. not someone less. and not someone who will think himself better than me. however, finding such a wonderful man is hard; even if i have found him, its not like he'd be willing to get married and forsake all those possibilities. the What If's that lie in every single girl around him. those he's met and those he hasnt. well, he can have them cause im not chasing after him. i'll come to the line and if he meets me there then fine. if not, who needs marriage? all i want is money and sex now. i can make money.

i also had an awesome experience at church yesterday. it was amazing how every word literally spoke my own struggle. i kept saying, this isnt me, the next example will be WAY off, but it was all my life. so of course i went up for prayer when he called for people. there were just so many things going on for any of it to be coincidence. people who dont believe in God, believe in coincidence. but i know it's God's hand. the music, the message, the passage- everything was right.

i had nothing better to do @11:00 PM