i have to get my stuff to the gallery by wed. the grand opening is sat. yeah!
church was good today; i think i really learned a lot and im excited to look more into a few passages and my notes to really analyze them. oh, the only bad thing was that i had a semi short skirt with no underwear. dont ask where it went but i had to watch how i sat the rest of the night which sucked. we also went to a wedding today and for the past week or so the issue of the role of women is just on my mind. i think im begining to see how submission in a biblical sense is actually validation of the power women have that men lack. i bought a book today called, Beyond Sex Roles, the biblical roles of women in the church and family and i think it's gonna clear a lot of stuff up for me.
i hate anything that says women are weak to the point that i would almost never marry just to never be under a man. but im seeing how two people can be equally yoked and each retain power while the woman submits to a man. it's not all figured out yet and ive got so many thoughts coming to me but its making me less uneasy and less wanting to just hate all men and be a lesbian.
i like my tattoos.
i had nothing better to do @1:52 AM
Saturday, September 28, 2002
i just had this weird dream and i cant go back to sleep now. i hate when i have some disturbing vision and it stays with me. there was this mother sitting in a room crying and with some blood on her then in the next room connected by an open door there was a father sitting on a bed with his young daughter who was crying horribly from fear and pain and they both had her blood on them. it gives me a pain in my chest and makes it hard to breathe. i cant stop seeing it and knowing what's going on with that family. i know the mom is sitting there cause she cant do anything; she cant stop her husband. and the child's pain and fear is caused by the father who has his arms around her keeping her by him. as for the blood two things come to mind but im so upset thinking about this im going to stop. i had nothing better to do @3:40 PM
Friday, September 27, 2002
im going to a gallery today. hopefull they'll really like my stuff and put up my paintings and jewelry. that'd be sweet if all my stuff sold and i could make my car payment in 2 weeks.... i had nothing better to do @2:36 PM
i had nothing better to do @12:50 PM
i have an overbite, a bottom tooth that is perpendicular to those around it and pretty decently sized front teeth (pictured above) and i used to be kinda self conscious about them but last week this dude named jamie who's a boxer and writes screenplays said i had beautiful teeth so i really dont care how crooked and weird they may be cause he said they were "beautiful". oh, there was also some kind of debate in recieving over who was the prettiest "best-looking" girl in the warehouse, and well, shucks, i won =)
too bad i dont work there anymore. now the only guys that talk to me are... hmm... randall, his friends..... uh... cashiers.... wow, that's kind of sad. oh, jaime and aaron call sometimes and tell me how the warehouse is.
im so boooored. i think im going to finish this oil painting of me that has turned out looking like ms. incredible hulk. i dont know WHY i painted my skin green and eyes and teeth blue. you should buy it from me.
i had nothing better to do @2:14 AM
stooopid period. me owie. one month ago i walked into my ex-supervisor's office to tell him i had to go home to change my clothes because i had an ACCIDENT. a GIRLY accident. yes. not as embaressing as it could have been because i wanted to go home anyway, so what that it was for this reason. i had nothing better to do @1:45 AM
Thursday, September 26, 2002
i had this creepy dream that i was locked in this house with this group of people and we were going to be the sauce on this giant human pizza this woman was going to eat. at the end i was walking into a catholic church but i just couldnt step inside. i have the weirdest dreams. i had nothing better to do @2:12 PM
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
in exchange for light housekeeping, randall lets me keep my art/sewing supplies set up in his apt. so i completely took over the living room. there are canvases, drying paintings, oils, stencils, beads, wire, and magazines everywhere. plus his dressers are topped with cutting boards, a sewing machine, fabric that wouldnt fit on the fabric shelf, and a corkboard displaying my finished jewelry. i wonder if he regrets this deal when he has to walk over the coffee table just to go to the bathroom.
i need to get working. i have one more painting to do and tons of jewelry to make.
i had nothing better to do @3:17 PM
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
i just got another piercing. this one was tame, a cartilidge piercing in my left ear. i went with a friend who id convinced to pierce his ear. ahhhh, piercings. i had nothing better to do @7:37 PM
i am peeing like every 15 minutes and this isnt just regular pee. this is wake me up 6 times in the middle of the night when i dont usually get up at all with this horrible urgency in my midsection kind of pee. a regular person can hold it. but this just sneaks up on me and in full force. no, i kind of have to go, one second i dont the next im going to pee my pants. unfortunately my health insurance is gone as of this week so maybe i should do some homeopathic stuff. oh, now that it's getting too cool to roll the windows down every 5 minutes i should lay off the cans of chili (mmmmmm) and glasses of milk (strawberry....) especially since ive been driving other people around in my car, heh heh. i had nothing better to do @2:22 AM
this is the tattoo i got a couple of weeks ago. it's all healed now. i got it drawn after this pewter cross necklace my mom gave me. i really like it. i wanted to cut the sleeves off my shirts when i got it but randall took the sciccors from me and said it was a rash decisin and i might regret it later. oh well. i had nothing better to do @2:02 AM
Monday, September 23, 2002
last night church was awesome. a local black church came in with some singers and their dance team as their pastor and ours teamed up to talk about racism and why God loves all people and why we should too. it was so moving to see so many people together and worshipping. it's sad that people are seen by labels and stereotypes. i hate that im prejudged because im female, mexican, middle class, bilingual, educated, tattooed, pierced, christian.... people have all sorts of labels and no one is ever right about me. they expect me to be a certain way because of my blood and they're so wrong. people are people and we're all different.
the churches did an awesome job last night and everyone was dancing in the aisles and up front. at the end the pastor from the black church had a vision of a white girl walking home one day and being molested/attacked by a black man and that this girl was still scarred by it. he asked the girl to come up for prayer and healing and this girl started crying and walked up to him. it made me cry to know she had gone through such pain but two people prayed for healing for her.
i hate that racism exists. to know that other people are hurt like that and that complete strangers have such hate for me without knowing me. earlier this spring this homeless white guy came up to me and started yelling insults at me. he told me things like i should go back to my own country and that i had a huge ass (im a freaking size 2, but it is pretty round) and that i thought i was "all that" because of it. he said so much that when the bus came and i got on i heard his words over and over. i swear i stood for hours in front of a full length mirror for weeks staring at my ass wondering if it really was that big. i never saw myself as looking latina or white or anything. i always thought i was just a person and stupidly thought i was just that to everyone else, too.
people should just love each other and not hurt.
so i quit work to do what makes me happy. i spent the past 5 years waking up at 5:30am for school, working hard so that one day LATER i could be happy, do what i wanted, just have a better life. but out of school i started working 58 hours a week at a warehouse doing nothing else but sleeping. there's no point in livining to sustain a lifestyle you're not happy with so i quit. i finally quit and said id rather be happy. i want to design. go to different cities to sell my stuff. and now's the time because i have no family, no house, no tomorrow which is promised. so im living for today for now on and using my gifts. and im happy. and so are the people around me. i feel free breaking from convention and security and just doing what i want and i pray that God blesses what i do.
i had nothing better to do @9:56 PM
Saturday, September 21, 2002
i quit my job today and had a lot of support from everyone even the managers. they all say i should pursue my dreams and that's design. i want to sell my work fulltime. last weekend while i followed the band Bootyjuice around i saw these guys my age doing what they love and i want to do the same. what an exciting lifestyle! im getting signs from everywhere that are telling me that this is right. tonight im making toe rings and tomorrow these really cute purses. gotta buy zippers in the morning.
well im down to 9 piercings. =( i had to take a nipple ring out and im gonna have it redone. i dont like the place i got it done and it wasnt even with the others plus every now and then it hurt. so oh well. my cross tattoo has healed very well and i love it. randall had to stop me from cutting the sleeves off of my shirts this week cause i just want everyone to see it.
i had nothing better to do @12:48 AM
Sunday, September 15, 2002
we just got in from following Bootyjuice to their shows in columbus, chicago, and madison. sweeeeeet i had nothing better to do @11:54 PM
Sunday, September 08, 2002
church tonight was awesome. the worship was great and i almost cried and the songs werent just words i was singing but praises i wanted to shout to God. i couldnt help but smile and think of Him. afterwards i went to talk to the guy and he actually gave me his notes for the night which was cool. there were some great CS Lewis quotes i wanted to think about. randall and i have been doing so much better since we broke up and went to counseling. like, we just communicate so much better. our year anniversary was on friday. he made me a song. wrote the lyrics and put it to music he created then burned it onto a cd. it's really good. um, i gave him a vaccum. but i swear i think he really appreciated it.
i had nothing better to do @10:40 PM
and two hours later ive got a cross on my arm FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
i love my tattoo. i think it's so awesome. the needles didnt really bother me what DID was the paper towel that they use to wipe off excess ink and blood. after a while that got ANNOYING. my mom had given me a cross necklace like 7 years ago and that's what i used as a guide for this tattoo. i love the way it came out. im really hoping a lot of people approach me about it and i can tell them that my Christianity is not a result of a tattoo, but the tattoo is a result of my faith. God is not what i wear around my neck or on my arm but in my heart. i love it. this tattoo is so awesome. also, my first was on the back of my neck so its awesome that this one is on my arm cause i can actually SEE this one. im happy =)
pics to come, wheeee!
i had nothing better to do @6:08 PM
got in at 3:30am from a party. it was a lot of randall's co workers and their friends. we were there for about 5 hours and each only had one drink so we were the only sober ones there. when i went to the bathroom there was a big guy on the floor so i politely asked if i could just pee so he didnt have to get up. so i peed with this other guy in the room but he was pretty wasted at that point. i saw someone roll a joint for the first time ever and there was a 7ft 2in bong- none of which i participated in. my job was to set a good example with randall and be social and nice while not getting drunk or high. oh, and to be pretty which i thought i did a good job of last night.
we missed morning church this morning though which upset us both, but there's always night church. oh and im getting a tattoo in an hour and a half. i have to get a disposable camera before so i can post pics of this one. i hope its not more that $300, eeps!
i had nothing better to do @2:00 PM
Saturday, September 07, 2002
i smoked my first cigar ever last night. for some reason i thought id like it cause they smell sweet but they taste like burnt marshmellows. i had nothing better to do @1:28 PM
Friday, September 06, 2002
im getting frustrated at work. people are so stupid and slow. i talk and talk to the managers and they just stare at me. i talked back to one and for the rest of the day he just kept looking at me. every time i caught him i glared til he looked away. he came up to me as if id done something wrong and reexplained a procedure i "didnt hear him talk about" 10 minutes later he sends a lead around to tell EVERYONE how to do it cause i guess NOONE heard him. but only I was singled out by HIM.
i get a tattoo on SUNDAY!!!
i had nothing better to do @1:20 PM
Monday, September 02, 2002
Ghetto Airlines: my site of the moment. thanks, james =) i had nothing better to do @4:34 AM
i prayed really hard for God to speak to me at church tonight. the worship made me cry. there's this song called You are Holy (i think) and i usually tear up cause its so my life but tonight i cried. i expected a message to really hit me but the service was at first nothing i understood. i didnt know why He wanted me to hear it. at the end i walked up when they called people for prayer which i usually hesitate and resist cause i always think about other people looking at me. i went up and stood there wondering why i was there among the desperate people who were drawn up front to their knees. i didnt feel that power they did. then a girl came from behind and asked to pray with me. the things she said were from God. she revealed visions to me. i was crying. tears ran from my eyes down my cheeks and fell onto her feet. i could finally see the other half of my struggle. the darkness which was before me wasnt God's absense- a result of him leaving me, but the darkness i allowed to grow as a wall as i allowed myself to fall away from Him. she saw His hand reaching toward me asking me to run to Him. she prayed for passion. there's so much more to her prayer than i can even write. afterward i couldnt even talk because i was crying so much and so we just hugged. i love the way God works and the way there's this love i will never understand. there's this great unconditional love from Him that i could never give back. He's so amazing. when we talked she recommended a CD and im listening to it right now. it's the Lauryn Hill Unplugged and i love it. i also bought a new bible cause my other big one is packed somewhere and i need this tool. i need to read more and begin a study again. i want to know more about Him. i desire to know more about the One who blesses me and lives within me. the bible was $80. top grain leather. i love it. i also bought a book to help me with one of the greatest sins i struggle with. the way i got it was amazing too and i know God wants me to read it. i feel so refreshed and no longer alone. it's a sad feeling to be alone, but when you feel God Himself is gone, then there is no hope. im so happy that no matter what He would never leave me. Im so not worthy yet He blesses me anyway. He makes me worthy. Im His daughter and He thinks I'm beautiful.