i just set my hair on fire!!! make sure you know where lit candles are at ALL times, ladies and long-haried men. it smelled. yucky. i had nothing better to do @6:10 PM
i am alive! sleeping in your car isnt so bad after all. yeah, its really cold at first and once dawn hits it gets hot but hey- when you got no bed or floor to call your own a folded futon mattress in your backseat is pretty damn nice.
i drove into the city just to shower. got off work 7.5 hours ago and im going back in less that 2 hours.
i had nothing better to do @9:40 AM
Friday, August 30, 2002
i could have been on time yesterday but there was an accident on the exit ramp and i had to take a 20 min detour in rush hour traffic. i would have only been 10 min late had i not upon pulling into the parking lot realized that my body did in an hour what usually takes 6-8. so i had to take an extra 20 min to fix myself up. then an hour or two into work i realize that my body has AGAIN done it and i actually went to my boss and asked to leave because of "WOMAN STUFF". if you say that to a male, you'll automatically get anythign you want. so i left and took care of that but as you know im homeless. i went to the old house cause the new people werent moving in til today. AND they werent my pants. so i washed them and had to dry them by rolling the window up on them and driving around. yesterday was a weird day for me.
im really getting tired of my friends. i dont know why but i just dont want to be around them. and im starting to harden towards randall because its taken so long for him to say he wants to be with me. i feel like a stupid girl waiting around for him and wanting him so desperately. i work 58 hours this week and prolly next week too. i get to the place i sleep around 2:30a-3am then wake up around 1-2p right before i have to leave for work again. this is all i do. im getting so tired of it. i dont even have to be here but i am. im here waiting for an answer from randall. i feel like buying something. i feel alone and am going to find some happiness in new stuff.
i had nothing better to do @1:16 PM
Tuesday, August 27, 2002
everyone at work is really nice to me. most of them are guys but the girls are too. we're working 58 hours this week and i sold 2 pairs of earrings tonight. im exhausted. work is so physical. i had nothing better to do @2:44 AM
Monday, August 26, 2002
i peed in the middle of the soccer field at church cause it was 1am and i really had to go. i had nothing better to do @1:32 PM
Sunday, August 25, 2002
i still burst into tears every now and then. i miss my family. i think im going to seattle by the end of the year to live with my sis. i dropped by my artist's studio today and dropped off my idea for my next tattoo. sweeeeet. within a few weeks i should have an awesome cross on my arm. randall made me a b-day cake last night. it was red velvet with butter cream frosting, he wrote on it, put candles on, and had sprinkles. we have another counseling session on tuesday. the guy will give us some insight into our future and God's will for us. being homeless is weird. i will live in 4 people's homes on different days of the week. i had nothing better to do @12:29 AM
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
i ran by the house last night to clean out the fridge. three floors of emptiness. my car is loaded down with clothes, lamps, food, a coffee table... im living out of it.
randall and i had another counseling session yesterday. we have one more and we'll know what we'll do. we'll either break up or take this engagement course at the church. i feel like the whole relationship is out of my hands and up to him and the counselor but ultimately i guess i should have faith that God will lead all our hearts and minds to his will. its just hard to not be in control of something i want.
im too tired to say anything much. i work about 50 hours a week and when i get *home* (between 12:30am-2:30am) im ready to collapse. then i sleep until i have to go back. i kind of like it. my body aches every night half way through but it kind of makes me forget about other things. i can lose myself in this job and i think it's kept me from crying more than i would. i dont know what im going to do with some family on the east coast, some in the south, and my sis on the west coast. im right in the middle and could go to either end of the US. but im here with nothing but my luggage sleeping in different people's homes waiting for an answer some conclusion on this relationship with Randall. i actually chose him over my family. that's crazy. i hope i dont turn out to be one of those girls that gets a guy's tattoo then he breaks up with her. ugh.
i had nothing better to do @11:50 AM
Tuesday, August 20, 2002
my mom and sister left at 3am so now i have no home. i cried so much when i left to go to work. it's so weird to have my nearest family a 10 hr drive away. i have no idea what im doing yet. i might move to seattle in a couple months. work takes up most of my time. usually 10 hrs a day and im too tired to do anything else after standing up all day. i wake up in the middle of the night cause my legs hurt so much. oh well. i had nothing better to do @9:56 AM
Monday, August 12, 2002
we just got back from watching falling stars. i saw 8 and they were the first ones id ever seen. i had nothing better to do @3:12 AM
Sunday, August 11, 2002
church this morning was really good. i DROVE in MY CAR =) the worship was really good too. i cried during this one song and even the message was just awesome and powerful.
wheee!! i think things are starting to get better. im still worried about next weekend cause my mom leaves. my sis leaves tues and isnt talking to me but i dont know why. i tried talking to her but she was like, just walking away. i feel bad cause this is like my last chance to even see her for a long while. i had another bad dream about randall last night. i had a baby and he was beating me. he kept punching and pinned me to the floor and all i could think about was getting the baby out of the house. i also saw Signs last night so i thought my bad dreams would be of aliens. aliens and spontaneous combustion are the top two thigns that scare me at night when its dark and im alone.
i bought a car freshener. im accessorizing already. its a wooden beaded necklace with a wood cross that is scented. it's only $2.97 at walmart and im gonna use the cross in a necklace when its not stinky anymore. um, that's it. im gonna eat my burrito now.
i had nothing better to do @10:46 PM
i got a car today. and randall still doesnt know if we're going out or not. my family leaves in one week. then i will be alone; but at least there's a car to pack my stuff into. i had nothing better to do @1:37 AM
Thursday, August 08, 2002
imagine the worst things that could happen on the first day of work. got a nice image? ok, now here's what happened:
i blacked out three times and they called an ambulance. i was there for one hour. that was my first day on the job.
yesterday everyone was asking if i was ok after what happened on tuesday. it's assembly line stuff. my legs hurt so badly at the end of the day.
ok, it's my birthday so i gotta go have fun. oh, randall and i are starting counseling next week
i had nothing better to do @8:56 AM
Sunday, August 04, 2002
there's nothing i can buy to make me happy anymore. that's it. there's this low point and we've reached it. moving to various parts of the apt crying and being shit. we're there. we're here. i have no idea what to do anymore. i dont think we're together. my arm stings. it's scratched. you have to press a lot harder than you think (or than im willing as a wuss) to actually bleed. i dont think this is PMS anymore. that doesnt last weeks. i dont think im depressed. it's spread. we're both in this weird pit of void. i dont know if i should laugh or cry again. i dont know what to do. and neither does he.
i wish i had an escape. but im too naive to find one. i dont know what to do.
i had nothing better to do @9:50 PM
i charged one matching set of bra and panties, Radiohead's Kid A, Sneaker Pimps, Zero 7, Shakira, and ice cream. i want to buy more. im filling some void with stuff and there's not enough stuff to do it. so im gonna do a devotional now. i know God is the only thing for the "God-shaped hole". it just seems so... i dont know i had nothing better to do @7:31 PM
one of randall's dreads caught on fire at Ozfest last night.
i feel like raiding one of OSU's incoming freshmen Orientation Tours and saying,
"LOOK AT ME!! I'm a graduate from this school and im homeless, unemployed, and living on debt. thank you, OSU!!"
as randall kissed me earlier his tears ran down his face to my lips. things are so weird between us. i had a weird dream that was full of loose ends, coming up short, and insecurity. marijuana somehow played into it. i woke up every few hours freezing. the bath towel i had could not cover both my head and my feet even in fetal position so my feet froze all night and my neck is stiff from the hard floor i slept on.
i think my mom is sad.
i had nothing better to do @7:25 PM
Friday, August 02, 2002
i just took a bite out of 49 slices of ham all at once and im sitting here in my underwear. yes. i have concluded that it is not healthy for meli to be all alone because she start to do weird things. yes she do. i had nothing better to do @4:19 PM
i just cried for the 4th time today. things just dont stop sucking lately. everything seems so stupid. like our efforts are pointless.
you refuse to make a choice. you want to keep all your options open but in doing so everything's going to shit. why do you act like there's not a brick wall in front of us? you keep on like we have been for the past 11 months. why are you so afraid to change things, to make a step in one direction? you think you're like your dad but you can be whoever you want. choosing to stay with me requires a change in the way things are going, more of a commitment, yes, but you dont have to propose. you cant keep dating all your life like you did in highschool. we'll both be 23 in a few months and it's probably time to make a stupid choice for once. it doesnt have to be permanent but i swear if things dont change it wont be good. you see how we are already now that this wall is in view. im freaking out and suggesting you turn left or right. i dont even care at this point which way you choose but we have to do something. things are going so badly and i cant stop crying. and you know cause you've stood in silence as ive broken to pieces late at night on the phone. i only eat one meal a day and i sleep 12 hours a night. the wall is coming and im thinking i should just take the wheel from you. maybe i need to choose. my only hesitation is that i cant make you commit in any way to me so my only choice is to break up. you dont even read this, though.
i had nothing better to do @3:34 PM
i feel so sad. i had nothing better to do @1:01 PM
ok, i have no family in this state. i dont go to school here. i have no place to live (in 2 more weeks). i have no car. why am i staying here when i could just go to NC and have a house to live in with my fam and close to a cheap school as well as a good friend of mine? because of randall. ive had bad dreams about him all week though. and is that stupid to make that sacrifice for someone you're only dating? we have no commitment beyond that. i cried again this morning for like the 40th time this week.
my birthday is coming up and only my mom and sis will be here. my mom wants to do something but like, no friends come to mind that id invite. i dont think i ever adjusted here. i never made close friends and i only have 2 that are girls. even though i lived with rednecks in VA ive encountered more racism here. stuff that went beyond being called a "ch*nk" or "n*gger lover". here ive been attacked in ways that made me cry for weeks by both black and white people. like that guy that just walked up to me and kept saying my ass was huge and that i thought i was all that and should go back to my own country. 2 black people on separate occasions told me to go back to my own country. my people were here before white people even. the sky is usually grey here. i miss sunsets and blue skies. there are no mountains or oceans here. just cornfields. this is like some kind of hell. when i first moved here it was horrible. it's like chasing and never catching up. when i got here i slept on a cot in the office. now everyone is leaving and im left behind. i cant catch up.
i had nothing better to do @12:42 PM
Thursday, August 01, 2002
i took a drug test today before they could hire me. it was my first ever i think and of course it was negative. then last night my mom bought me some clothes for my birthday which is in 7days!!. i hope i like my job. the people seem really nice but im the most educated person there so i hope they dont think im a snot or something. they're also older. ok, i get $50 to clean randall's apt so id better get started; it usually takes about 6 hours. i had nothing better to do @3:28 PM
I HAVE A JOB!! WHOOOO!! $9.35 an hour/ 40 hrs/wk. it's warehouse stuff for JC Penny. i cried like 10 times yesterday. i was so depressed. have been since sat. everyone has been noticing. then randall said "groovy" in a sentence and that was it. then i remembered that im supposed to start in a few days and everything makes me cry for the week before. poop.
i had nothing better to do @3:14 PM