holy monkies i bounced a $3,000 check. i take care of that today.
all night i was up and listening to music, praying and reading the bible. i found a lot of stuff that God wanted me to read. when i got home yesterday the for sale sign was in the yard which i didnt expect. my family leaves the 16th, i will be living in guestbedrooms and couches of friends, randall and i are having this huge "thing", i cant afford UC, i think God left me, and it's like, im not caring anymore. last night the only reason i went out was because i was hungry; i really didnt feel like talking to people. i dont feel like seeing anyone and thats pretty easy cause no one's been calling me anyway. everyone's busy with their new spouses or planning their weddings or jobs or school and i have none of that. my hair is 4 inches from my butt but i think im gonna cut it short today.
i had nothing better to do @1:19 PM
Monday, July 29, 2002
i had bad dreams all night. about randall. another girl, screaming babies that turned into pigs as i tried to comfort them, the mothers that abandoned them telling the cops i stole them, and marijuana. sometimes i think i need some moral guide because ive started questioning things but i have no straight edge to lean on. i dont know. i had nothing better to do @1:17 PM
Sunday, July 28, 2002
went to cincinnati yesterday to look at apts. while we were there we were trying to change lanes when someting happened with this other car going really fast and we slammed the brakes, looked in the mirrors and saw a biker go down. i opened my door as we stopped and he wasnt moving. i ran out asked if he was ok but he couldnt move so i called an ambulance. we thought it was our fault til 3 witnesses told the cops that some gold car did it. it was CRAZY cause randall and i have been talking about him getting a bike all week. (motorcycle, not bicylce) he still wants one and is loooking at them right now. im really nervous though.
went to a party last night. all of his friends. got bored. the girls were mostly freshmen. i went to the kitchen and shot 151. then hitched a piggyback ride to the wet tshirt contest. it was like a Girls Gone Wild video. i cant beleive people can be so stupid when guys are cheering them on. we also set off illegal fireworks. that's about it. oh, i think i made God made, though. i had an unanswered prayer yesterday and all i can think of is Samson. what if i finally did the one thing that made Him leave me? i dont know. i thought about it for about an hour or so yesterday.
i had nothing better to do @2:33 PM
Friday, July 26, 2002
"oh man! did you fart again?"
-randall. um, yeah, i dont remember who he was talking to..... i had nothing better to do @1:20 AM
Thursday, July 25, 2002
we've been fighting more over smaller stupider things. there's a lot of pressure on both of us and this big deadline is coming up. neither one of us likes long distance relationships and it's like, when you can choose who you want to be with, it'll be harder to make that choice when you guys are 2 hours away from each other and able to see other people or something. i feel like im in a vulnerable position because he holds the future of our relationship. if we break up it wont be me that makes the decision- it's never me. with every small arguement i think we might breakup cause it's got the momentum of the move behind it. it's making me kinda paranoid about what i say and do. i cant ask him to come with me cause that's asking him to leave a good job, his school, get out of his rent here, leave his best friend and his dad; he has to decide himself. i dont like being alone. especially when i sleep. i just woke up from this 5 hour long nightmare; i dont like being alone. i had 3 siblings growing up so i think id go really weird not having someone else. maybe id like start talking to myself and getting really anti social. one other thing that i realized which bothers me is that im so close to broke having him with me would make me a bit more financialy secure. it's not all about money but that;s a part of it. i love him and want to be with him- that's my main reason.
i also feel weird cause my family leaves permanently in 3 weeks and i'll be homeless. ive had two friends offer me to stay with them but my own boyfriend hasnt said anything about helping me out. i feel like this is HIS apt and he KNOWS my situation so i cant impose myself into it like that. those other friends just offered- i didnt have to ask. i wonder if it came to his mind and he rejected the idea of me living with him again. when his apt place asked him to move out the first thing i did was offer him a room and money if he needed it; he hasnt done either for me.
i feel like i rarely see him anymore. like he's always making plans with other people now and not me. oh well. i have no idea what will happen but im the type to stay in a relationship til the very last minute, never breaking up despite cheating and stuff like that. maybe i get too serious, committing myself to the guys i date. its like guys look for the girl they want to spend the rest of their life with, asking whether she's pretty, fun, his friends like her.....and im just like, "well, does he want me??"- and that's the only requirement i use.
i bought a fake piece of kitty poop and put it on the carpet. told my mom the movers had a question about the curtains in her room, sent her up and she started cussing about my cat. "it was bastian, wasn it?!" she got toilet paper, picked it up, and walked to the bathroom as i laughed at her. when she figured it out she threw it at me. i did this to my sis and the movers too, heehee.
i had nothing better to do @10:09 PM
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
the movers are finishing today. the house is three floors of nothing now. except for my room which isnt going to NC. i sleep curled in a ball on the two sq feet of free space on my floor covered with a towel. this morning as i showered there were 6 men running around moving stuff. i stepped on a plaster gun thing and caught myself on the door so i wouldnt fall, dropping my towel and opening the door! luckily they were in my sis's room. that would have sucked. so much going on. tomorrow the whole house gets new carpet. i dont even have a job or apt yet in cincinnati. poop. i have one month to get a life, gotta go- im stealing boxes from the movers. i need it for my own stuff since the govt will only pay for those going to NC. i had nothing better to do @2:58 PM
Monday, July 22, 2002
just got in. i got a $185 speeding ticket. i am so pissed!! kansas police suck. randall got an $80 ticket and then they argued for 5 minutes cause the cop wanted to search for drugs. i think randall has the "look". in VA some guys were asking him for weed and in MD they tried to sell him ecstasy. i look like a good girl and no one ever suspects me; and that's good cause if anyone did id be mad. like that cop, i dont do any of that stuff and here i am getting harassed for it.
i had nothing better to do @10:58 AM
Friday, July 12, 2002
i wore a sports bra today instead of a shirt but they look like little tank tops and my new yoga pants. im NOT athletic, but i like the look. we're leaving to colorado soon. i havent slept at all. i had an early gyno appt today. i took pics, hee hee, of me in my paper gown. it was the annual so they did the boobie check adn i just kept laughing cause her hands were so cold and small. the nurse demonstrated on herself how i should check for lumps every month which was WEIRD cause i didnt know where to look. her hands moving over her or her eyes. it was crazy. oh. my parents bought a house yesterday. in a week the trucks come to take our stuff. i CRIED. then i went shopping. ok, i gotta get home to pack more. i had nothing better to do @4:15 PM
Wednesday, July 10, 2002
randall got his penis pierced, whoo-hooo!! a Prince Albert. it's a 10 g which is awesome and he might have it stretched to an 8g when it heals. we just got back from the place and they put a latex glove over his whole package to catch any bleeding that might occur. he made the worst faces not from the actual piercing but the receiving tube that was put in his urethra (pee pee hole). and now we're all sitting here slurping slurpees. a good day. i had nothing better to do @2:49 PM
Tuesday, July 09, 2002
today i put my college degree to use! finally- see, you DO use what you learn. i interpreted for a friend at some office where the woman was a spanish speaker. then we went to the open homeless shelter here in town to try and find a mexican but only found a cuban. i think mexicans that come over have a lot of integrity, pride, and drive and didnt think wed find any there.
i really like my tongue piercing. the bar is too long though since i havent had much swelling so far. im popping a lot of advil and generic alleve and try to put something cold in my mouth every now and then. i also slept propped up. the only think that SUCKS is the eating. it was pretty bad until i discovered generic brand cream of potato today. mmm... i only had a few of the chunks, but the liquid part was delicious. oh, and i can only kiss with my lips. randall and i are affecionate people. we hold hands, hug, and kiss at least once every 15 minutes when we're together. when we get into the car he opens the car door for me, puts my seatbelt on, kisses me then shuts the door. if im driving he even starts the car for me. and we've been dating for 10 months. he only does it cause one day months and months ago i said id like if he did it so he does it just cause it makes me happy. he's so sweet. but he made me cry today. =(
i cried a lot today. at first i thought it was hormonal but i just had 2 periods in the past 3 or 4 weeks (which BLOWS and if i get a third im killing my ovaries). apparently i am HEAVILY influenced by the bodies of other females. which is prolly why i like hanging out with guys- they dont give me extra periods. however, i have started wearing men's cologne, deoderant, and clothes....and i occasionaly turn to see a hot girl walk by so maybe i need a better balance of sexes in my friends....
tomorrow i might be going back to Piercology but this piercing wont be for me. randall is getting a PA i think. after months of convincing i think hes finally gonna do it. wheeeee! i also have a girly appointment on fri. hee-hee!
i had nothing better to do @10:22 PM
my tongue is a little swollen today, but not that badly. been eating chicken and stars and popscicles. then i bought the old people drink, Ensure so im having that for dinner.
im sad right now. every single little thing is making my cry. when i wrote dinner i accidently spelled out sinner then cried as i backspaced and corrected it. i have to wash the sheets and pillow cases cause there's tears and snot on them. gross. i dont feel like writing anymore.
i had nothing better to do @3:25 PM
Monday, July 08, 2002
while in texas i learned that my great-grandmother who lived in mexico with all her children and grandchildren, etc was born in the U.S., 4 months ago i learned that 3 of my grandparents were born in the US too. so i guess im not 2nd generation afterall.
my sister just scared me with a story about a tongue piercing that got infected. eeeps!
i had nothing better to do @5:43 PM
i just got home. my tongue is pierced. the guy that did the clitoral hood piercing did this one too. i really like him cause he's funnie and good and it didnt hurt at all! it all happened in like 5 minutes. so far im afraid of like catching the call on my tooth and ripping the hole but im doing well so far. i really like the way it looks.
i had nothing better to do @2:42 PM
just got back from DC, VA, and MD. getting my tongue pierced this morning i had nothing better to do @1:44 AM
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
dont you hate when you just had your period two weeks ago and you find out that you're getting it again two freaking weeks early?
ive been doing a lot. thinking a lot and traveling. im not used to writing anymore. it's been weeks since ive had a comp around. there's like this big deadline coming up that i keep thinking about. my parents are moving. im gonna need a place to stay, i dont have a job, i dont know where im going to school and lots more. and i dont know how much of it to put down. i wish it wasnt so late. i want to use the mango cubes i bought to make a drink.
i had nothing better to do @12:25 AM
Monday, July 01, 2002
i saw billy graham last night in cincinnati. and got back from texas yesterday morning. i had nothing better to do @4:17 PM