pull my finger

about this site

this is my personal journal and i put all sorts of stuff up and talk about whatever the hell i want to. it may be offensive, i may talk about you, you may leave.

* e-mail me *

i will never have enough:

luggage, purses, totes
coffee cups, travel mugs, tea
tattoos...well, maybe there's a limit
coats and jackets
craft supplies

Rated G
Vineyard Sermons
Joshua House Sermons
Rated PG-13
The Spark
Celebrity Tattoos
Craig's List
The Onion
Get Crafty
post your secret
Rated R/NC17
BME Body Mod
Suicide Girls
Purity Tests
Ask the Gypsie

today i'm The current mood of melida at www.imood.com

Friday, May 31, 2002
let's see how sorry i'll be for the secret link to my other diary which is poems and other stuff i hide. if you find it

i had nothing better to do @9:59 PM

Thursday, May 30, 2002

first of all, i once had an untattooed neck
but then a man helped change that
it was an hour long process
afterward, he lubed it up with lots of goo
then he put a bandage around my neck
and i left tattooed and happy.


i had nothing better to do @6:48 PM

i have pictures!! but i have to wait for the girl at the scanner to finish, grrrrr

i had nothing better to do @5:36 PM

Wednesday, May 29, 2002

i think im done with body piercings for a while. the only other thing i can think of wanting is a nostril piercing but i think those holes are permament so i'd have to weigh that a little longer. however i am getting my second tattoo with graduation money, whee! IF i graduate cause i still have 2 more assignments to do (and if i actually get money).

as far as updates i dont think i'll ever be posessed to shave my arms "just to see" again and although im good at it and all, i think just knowing i can pee standing up is good enough. the exception to this will be the next time i have the chance to use a urinal. i should've tried it sunday when i had the chance but my aim wouldve been thrown off by the alcohol. and so, in conclusion, there really isnt that much else new with me.

i had nothing better to do @8:32 PM

today i bought new shoes, shorts with my school's name on my butt cause i think the school is crap (hee-hee, that's not reallly why i got them), a shirt that says Jesus surfs without a board, and two large rings for my nipples. i like them better than the small ones. i also bought lunch and skipped class to do all this. it means im sad. i shop when im sad. im not depressed though cause then i wouldnt be shopping or eating and id lose massive poundage. i prayed about it though cause i think im upset for the wrong reason. that's about it. my dad got a job on the east coast and starts in July. my family is moving out there and i dont know yet what im gonna do. i need a new job and a car and a place to live later this summer. im thinking of just moving, why even stay in this city when i have the ability to just leave. i'll have a degree, debt (but that can easily follow along), and about a van's worth of posessions. hmmm......

i had nothing better to do @2:04 PM

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

after church on sunday randall and i had nothing to do so we looked at all the cities w/i a 5 hour drive of us and picked pittsburgh to visit. we didnt have a map and so just winged it by going in the general direction. two of his old friends go to school there so we called them up and they invited us to stay there. first we went out to dinner and i had a pina colada just cause id never had one. when we got to dave's apt, they were having a beer but i hate beer so i just poured a shot of 90 proof vodka just to not look rude by declining their affluent bar but i didnt know i had actually poured about 2 shots cause the glass was so big. then randall poured one and i had that. i thought that was the end of the night until they all started talking about Mad Mex's and margaritas. it was early and i really wasn't even tipsy by this point so i decide to go. we walk down there and it's soo crowded with U. Pitt's students. we finally manage to grab some bar stools as our margaritas come. ok, these things were HUGE. like Super Gulp from 7-11 huge. and it was a lot of alcohol; they were really just glasses of frozen pink tequila. after a while i decided to race everyone around me by finishing mine off first. and i won!! but halfway through i started feeling it. i was drunk. then i really had to pee so i wobble over to the back of the bar,careful not to bump anyone's jumbo margarita onto them and found the girl;s bathroom to be busy. so i went to the men's. the floor was all wet and the window was wide open but i really didnt care. my second trip to the bathroom needed an escort cause i knew there was no way id make it. randall went with me. he was pretty sober most of the night. he had a beer and not even half of his margarita so of course i looked like the doof. um, i told him a lot of things. i talked and talked and talked. i told him exactly how i felt about him which i had planned on keeping secret just so i wouldnt feel like i had myself all open and give him what i feel is an advantage. i told him i wanted to marry him and lots of other stuff. he said he pretty much already knew through the way i acted and looked at him but this was validation.

then we had to walk to dude's apt. ok. i was in the middle with a guy on either side and i was gripping them with all my strength, every now and then id lift my legs up adn swing or get really cloes to the ground. when i found out the other guy had a tattoo i eagerly lifted his shirt up to see. however even in this state we still discussed Jesus and our faiths. i think it was a good talk. when we climbed the 3 floors up dude went to his room to pass out and i told randall even more stuff. i talk A LOT when i drink. hen around 3am i got really queasy and i trudged down a floor to the bathrooom. i have only puked 3 times in my life and never for drinking. so i just sat there and randall said i should try and make myself. ive never had to make myself so i tried a few things in the end i just started. i puked A LOT. i was there for about 10 min just puking over and over. every single thing inside of me came out so quickly it splashed on my arm so randall rinsed me off when i was done and took me up to the family room where we were sleeping. 4 hours later i was wide awake. i wasnt hung over just really queasy and dizzy. i waited 2 hours to go to the bathroom cause i didnt think i could manage the stairs. that day was beautiful despite being nasueous. we went shopping and randall bought me the best red shoes ever, some jeans with slits up the sides, a see through shirt he said i have to wear a tanktop over but it's not illegal here, and he got me a W. VA shot glass for winning the bet of which state we were in. when we got back into our state we saw a friend off who left this morning for the Air Force, and then went to his best friend's house. there we went into the hot tub and discussed various aspects of Christianity until 1am while the sky lit up with lightning. so much more happened but im still tired. i only got 5 hours of sleep last night. before i left Pittsburgh i took a pic of the toilet which will remind me that drinking excessivly sucks and im not ever doing that again. i also had a really bad fight with randall which started with me not wanting to wear a bathing suit in front of our friends. i think im a very insecure person sometimes even though im really looking foward to my see through shirt. and thats it for now. i have one week of classes left and need to start my final papers.

i had nothing better to do @2:42 PM

Sunday, May 26, 2002

i saw this awesome pair of jeans today, with bleach stains, scribbles and holes. then i saw 10 pairs exactly like it. every drawing and tear in the exact same places so i walked right by the rack. i hate mass-produced originality, no wonder i dont shop in malls.

i love randall. he's awesome. whenever i think of him i always come to the line, the boyfriend that couldnt exist. ive dated guys that were one thing away from perfect. like i thought chris was it. i thought we'd be married but i hated that he wasnt as enthusiastic about his faith and i settled for, oh well, you cant have everything in a guy. but then i met randall who was so awesome and the first night we met he introduced himself as "Man of God". he has such passion for his faith and i love that. i love his creativity, his looks, his attitude, everything. ok. ive got bad allergies right now so im gonna take some meds and go pick him up from work.

i had nothing better to do @12:08 AM

Friday, May 24, 2002

i just had half my 12 inch steak and cheese with provalone, lettuce, mayo, banana peppers, and jalapenos. oooooh, baby that's so gooooood..... and i spent over $50 on beads!! almost time for bible study!

i had nothing better to do @6:18 PM

this is what randall said in his sleep today: i'm gessing so i can be a well known boy.
me: what?
him: i want to be a well-known boy
me: what's gessing?
him: *frustrated* i dont know! im just here standing/sitting!

ok......the two of us have been talking in our sleep everyday now for a couple weeks. two nights ago he said he came home from work and i was talking about condoms. oh well.

tonight im trying out a new bible study that's for artists which i think is gonna be cooooooool. and that's it. i want to make earrings while im at work now so im going. oh, and im eating Dots. mmmmmm.

i had nothing better to do @1:06 PM

Thursday, May 23, 2002

i had two werid dreams that i remember. the first was kind of sexual so we'll move on to the second.

matthew mcgonehay (?) was a pizza delivery man and he and a UPS man were delivering to this monestary. they dropped their stuff off and then the UPS guy was like, come on man, arent you curious? let's see what's inside. and matthew was like, what do you mean? and dude was like, let's see if they've got chicks in there or if they're just raging homosexuals! so matthew opens the door and says, it's pizza!! cause his delivery was in the foyer and the UPS dude was like, whatever and he left. matt called out, hey! we need to pick up our stuff!! but the UPS man left before getting his money. so matt goes in and gets paid and then there are like 9 men that look like buddist monks but in colorful robes in a circle. a few are standing and they begin a prayer- it's pretty much the one i use before i eat but they all do it in unison and i think it's weird that these jews are using my christian prayer. then one guy says to a guy that's standing, hey! did your sword just touch me?! (they all have swords at their sides) and then everyone is asking each other, did your sword just touch me?! and they break out into karate or something!! turns out they are Chinese Fighting Priests!! i literally woke up laughing so hard randall woke up too!! hahahahaha!!

the only thing i will say about my other dream is that i had a penis in it; i wasnt a guy either, i just had both.

moving on, before i got into the shower today the shaving demon posessed me. randall tried to talk me out of it but i was convinced i had to do it. he said i should at least use his best razor, Mach 3!! so i got in the shower, and SHAVED. all the usual places, PLUS my arms! they're soooooo smooooth now. for some reason i just had to see them like this. i was extra carful around my arm mole and barely missed any hairs at all. i think the stress of my last two weeks of school is getting to me. i also peed standing up a couple more times.

i had nothing better to do @5:51 PM

guess what i just did!! guess guess guess!! i just...... PEED STANDING UP! yes i did! whooooo-hooo! FACING THE TOILET! not all prissy with my back to it. ladies, the revolution has begun cause i dont see boys giving birth, whoooo!!! next time, i'll find a way to do it without needing my pants down to my ankles but for a first timer, i had great aim. i am so happy i like need cards of congratualtions sent along with graduation congrats which are coming up.

you gotta try it!!

i had nothing better to do @2:29 AM

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

wheeee! im here at work of course not doing homework or actual work but making necklaces and this woman kept admiring them. she asked for my number, said her fave color was purple and asked if i did earrings too. yeah! she's gonna give me a call about seeing my work. i feel good now. and my tattoo is finally all healed, however there were two days i scratched and i shouldnt, whoops. so that made it take longer. heh-heh. i hate temptation

i had nothing better to do @4:22 PM

when randall came home for lunch yesterday i made a little note while we ate and watch vanilla sky. before he left i gave him a hug and placed the post it right in the middle of his back. it said:
Melida's Property
back off, bitch

so all night long the guys were either teasing him or all over him, hee-hee. me so funnie.

i had nothing better to do @1:52 PM

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

im trying to break my habit of procrasination so im sitting here but i havent gotten more than 3/4 a page typed in the past 3 hours. i have all my notes and im all ready to work but then- argh, boys. i cant stop thinking about boys today. pretty boys, sexy boys, tall boys, short boys. and then there are the men. oh lordy how am i going to finish my work?! must get mind on work. wow, this is such a hard thing to do.

im really wanting my nose pierced, again. i just love body mods. i think it's an addiction now. i want randall to get more piercings. he's already got two tattoos and is getting a sleave started soon (tattoos all over one arm) but he's only got two piercings. Which is why i presented the religious support of a penis piercing. oh yes i did. i have tried to talk three males into getting this within the past year. see, as circumcision reminds the jews that their leader will come from their lineage, a penis piercing will remind the guy of his commitment to stay abstinante until marriage and then when he DOES get married, it's an extra bonus and reminds him of that gift he saved for his wife. So in conclusion, randall should get a penis piercing. im going to bring it up to him again when i see him tonight.

i just found out that a bunch of people have seen the stripper pics! oh no! that's terrible! i swear i was only there for the moral support of the bride-to-be. eeeek! seriously though, i didnt even pay for anything. i just sat there with three shirts on, my legs and arms crossed and avoided eye contact the whole time. of course i still got selected to participate. but i only did it for my friend!! ok. boys are still on my mind and my paper is still not written. this is gonna be a long night.

i had nothing better to do @6:08 PM

Monday, May 20, 2002

im beginning the application process to the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York today. i have lots to do. i've got two and a half weeks of classes left til graduation. i've been thinking so much im drawing a blank right now. for 30 min straight through worship at a service last night i wrote on the program. i let every thought and word come out unfiltered and everything to God. i belief in that moment what i said was unhindered and is therefore truth and represents what i truly feel and where i really stand. a lot of it dealt with my lack in worship and how i close myself off. i dont know. there's a lot more to it but it took 30 min to write last night and i dont have that time right now.

after night church (college-age service) randall and i talked a bunch about marriage in general. even if we dont end up together i remember that i prayed God would use him to at least prepare me for who i would eventually marry. i think we both entered as very strong yet domineering personalities and are learning that relationsips arent about getting your way and that marriage is ultimately your giving of yourself completely to your spouse. when we got to the apt he ordered pizza while i went to the store for soda. i also bought makeup and weighed myself to see the difference in pre/post period. before- 118.5 after- 111. that's 6.5 lbs of uterine wall, water, and misc. other stuff i guess. isnt this so scientific?

then i showed randall two secret journals i RARELY write in but had planned on NEVER showing anyone. i think im tired of hiding things. like, tired of even caring what other people think. a lot of stuff has brought me to this conclusion in the past week or so. acceptance is giving thanks to God cause hiding or trying to be someone else is like dissing his creation- who i truly am, you know? and i should "create for the creator and not to impress [anyone else]" (John Ruben, do not) (oooh, john's new album comes out tues AND i saw him at church last night! wheee! a famous rapper at my very own church AND i met is mom the other day and she thinks im SO cute and nice and likes my art!! AND i've been to HER church.) where was i? oh yes, im tired of thinking so much about other people and what they'll think. im tired of finding worth and value in the acceptance i recieve from others. and i also learned, "comparison is the enemy of confidence."

and there's lots more. like finding myself in a trap that a horrible habit has become. how this thing that i once chased after now holds me captive. i went one day without it. ONE DAY. and it took a lot of prayer to even do that. every time i started i quickly stopped as soon as i realized i was doing it. and i see that i use it as an escape from a reality i dont like. then i saw what a hypocrite i am, not for condemning drugs but, for condemning those that choose that. then i get this weird tightness in my chest because i cant stand being wrong or weak.

i see that im so immature. that im so closed to so many experiences and really judgemental. that i can stand in church and sing the songs but not always sing them to God. that i care too much about the people around me to just close my eyes and really worship. that im scared to do anything that involves too much feeling or opening myself up to any significant degree. and i cant blame it on anyone else anymore. i cant use the defense that i never hugged anyone outside my family til i was a month away from high school graduation, that i remember the first time i heard my mom say she loved my dad just a few years ago, that affection just wasnt shown when i was growing up but im so tired of excuses.

im tired of not asking for what i want, too. that there's some desire to please others but never myself. like im scared of upsetting someone. and if i did get something i wouldnt enjoy it because id be too busy wondering whether or not they really wanted to even give it to me.

ultimately it all comes down to caring too much about what others think and feel about me. i have to stop living for them and only live for the audience of God.

i waited until the last call last night. finally, i overcame my fear of what others around me would think and i just pushed aside that label of weakness long enough to stand in front of hundreds of people at the call of the service leader to be prayed for. it was a prayer to hear God's voice, cause right now everyone else's in my life is downing out his whisper. i want to hear and see only Him so that i can stop thinking so much about others. is it a coincidence that im losing my hearing now?

i had nothing better to do @8:00 PM

Sunday, May 19, 2002

wow. today was so busy. i went to church twice and both times cried. i learned a lot but at the same time a lot of what i saw were questions. i have a lot to think about and pray about this week. i also had a serious relationship discussion with randall and a heated race dicussion with 2 friends. too much to talk about. i have to get undressed and do some homework and work on some art to donate to teh church to raise money for a missions trip. i really like God

i had nothing better to do @11:13 PM

Friday, May 17, 2002

cleaning cleaning cleaning. there;s so much to do. got two loads in the machines and 4 to put away. the kitchen smells like puke which means it's time to do dishes. this place is trashed. im already getting all hot from doing it all. ive got sugar on the chess board food in the bedroom, ironing on the table, man we live like pigs. there's also 3 week old mac and cheese and an old hardboiled egg in the fridge. i feel bad for randall is the only reason i decided to clean up. he goes to school part time AND works 70 horus and 6 days a week. my poor baby. ok, enough slacking there's sticky stuff on the bathroom floor that must be scrubbbed!!

i had nothing better to do @6:30 PM

Thursday, May 16, 2002

i just got paid a compliment from a guy here. he's european, ooh! it was much better the "whoo-hoo! yeah, baby!" i got earlier. im stalling. ok- first of all DONT LAUGH. i hate these pics but my mom is making me SEND THEM i told her at the preview i lookd stupid. anyway...only cause i love you, i will show them to you.

im just not photogenic. plus, i got like no sleep that day.

i had nothing better to do @6:26 PM

i had a dream i walked into a place and asked where they got the art. they said they bought from locals and that they would love to see my stuff. it was such an eccentric place and i loved it. i flew out and down the street above traffic. i havent had a flying dream in forever. there were so many stopped cars and finally i flew over a van at the beginnning of the stopped cars and his family was still seated inside. he was defending himself cause under the front of his car was a white haired lady. dead. there was blood escaping her fractured skull. a few blocks up i saw a man with a beautiful dog on a leash looking back and walking quickly. he stole the dog the woman was walking. later we were in a darkened room and i realized i had missed my friend's wedding i was supposed to give a reading at. i might have been drunk, or at least acting like it and my family was there. i was dancing a lot i think with a dark-haried girl. she was gorgeous and i wrapped circles around her all night long. later i was at an apt my bro and sis were sharing. they had a cat and 5 kittens but there was pee everywhere on everything. i had to hold them in my arms. i love cats. then there was a sense of urgency and i left. i was in a phone booth and randall peped in. i was in a bar. he said he had a confession to make about his time at wittenburg earlier that day. he was almost crying. i thought he had sex. he said he was drunk. and i forgave him, silly boy. i could see his friends in the background wondering how it was going. then a shirt haired girl came up to him and apologized for necking earlier. he looked nervous cause i was there, i asked what happened. he assured me in was in the ray so was nothing. i asked what the ray was feeling stupid in my naivity. they said it was a drinking game and then i became upset. then the alarm went off and i realized that i had 6 min to rush to the bustop for work.

talked to randall on the bus. he loved the freefall of skydiving. i think he has his new passion and i know im gonna have to pray every single time he jumps now. he's looking for and ex while he's there at his old campus. an ex he really regrets hurting because of the nature of what happened. i dont know how i feel about it. i know he needs closure and to apologize but im such an extremely jealous person i dont know how right i feel about them being alone together when they talk. i guess, so what. if nothing happens, great, if soemthing does (which i know it more than likely won't) it's great to be able to say, "see ya" and start looking for the real one. plus, i think i would forgive him. i've forgiven worse in boyfriends before.

i had nothing better to do @5:31 PM

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

it's not like im only me two weeks a month. those two weeks of extreme sensitivity holding between them the cursed day of menstruation are not the days where i veer off from who i am. There is not a constant meli which operates solely within a set range and any extreme is called PMSing. I am those days too. Don't call my appetite, crying, laughing, paranoia, and mothering a symtom; because it's me. im just glad im not a male and limited in what i can expereience, cause when you guys exceede your narrow range of what's normal you're just crazy.

randall goes sky diving tomorrow, whee! i prayed he'd be ok but that means im all alone tonight. im afraid of the dark, though. eep!

i had nothing better to do @5:25 PM

this is my third day in a row with only 2-3 hours sleep (1am-3am). Procrastinators, i am your QUEEN. i am almost done with my project. i just stole the washing machine from someone who already had their quarters in it, but i waited 20 min and no one ever showed up to do it and i NEED some clothes. i also took randall's wallet and car and went to the grocery store to buy lotion. im allergic to the two i already have and i have little hives but i HAVE to have SPF on my tattoo. ok. i still have the outline for my spanish oral to do and a couple chapters worth of reading. oh, and i smell. a shower will be coming on soon. a nap wont be in store until 9:30pm when i get home from work and school. can you believe im still functioning?

i had nothing better to do @7:59 AM

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

i oversleep after going to bed at 7am, turning off TWO ALARMS in my sleep and cant finish the last paragraph of my 6 page midterm and had to turn it in late and i missed the class too. THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PILL OF IBUPROFEN ANYWHERE. i find out that even if i AM selected for one of 10 open spots for the design program at UC, i will be required to purchase a $3000+ computer plus hardware plus $800 worth of additional software BY THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS. AFTER THAT HEARTATTACK, the stupid voice in my head ive been fighting all day made me rip up a comment form on which i wrote a two page complaint about some bitch (note journal entry march 13th) that made me feel like crap. BECAUSE IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. AHHHH! then i had to confess something to some girl because that same stupid voice and a friend told me that it was best blah blah blah and that you shouldnt leave issues between you and someone else. AND THEN when i went to the bathroom i DROPPED THE TAMPON INTO THE TOILET. ahhh! and the machine was jammed and there was a key broken in it so there was no hope of picking it. and of course im going through waves of cramps, i have 8 chapters to read for homework, i have an outline to write up, an oral presentation to get together for tomorrow, the VENDING MACHINE from Hell STOLE MY LAST DOLLAR AND WOULDNT DROP MY GOODNESS FREAKING chips! ive had nothing but SUGAR to eat all day and im gonna KILLL someone! AND I HAD TO WRITE A PROBLEM report for two computers that i told these people about A MONTH AGO they are STILL not working and they are needed by FRIDAY FOR A CLASS. oh. did i mention that 5 COUPLES I KNOW are getting married in less than a year? oh yes, perfect!! I SWEAR I WILL DIE FROM A HEARTATTACK im gonna go ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. ahhhh! i want to bang my head repeatedly against something.
*sigh* this is only the tip of the 5 ton iceberg. why do i get attacked like this? satan is a stupid little fuck that puts this stress in my life just to see me like this. i absolutely hate him.

by the way, im thinking of signing up to be a pelvic model for nursing seminars. i get $25 a seminar. i neeeeeeed money.

i had nothing better to do @7:16 PM


all my insides are going crazy. and everything hurts. my back hurts from my butt to my shoulderblades. everything in front hurts. i feel all light-headed and like i wanna puke. waaaaaa! this SUCKS. and there's not one single ibuprofen anywhere in the apartment. someone will die today and it will be by my hands. Do you hear me!!

ok, lemme put my womanly woes aside for a few moments. i have 4 assignments left in my college career. owie. nevermind, i cant think. i'll try back later.

i had nothing better to do @2:10 PM

Monday, May 13, 2002

"On this ship you will refer to me as Idiot, not You Captain."

"so lonestar, now you see that evil will always triumph cause good is dumb"

"what are those things coming out of her nose?
Oh shit, there goes the planet."

"I bet she gives great helmet."

"well, goodbye virgin alarm"
- Spaceballs

man i love this movie

i had nothing better to do @11:10 PM

just got back from the girlie doctor. i wish i had peed before i went but i was running late so i ran straight to the check in desk. i tried really hard to hold it in which was difficult cause i wanted to laugh imagining what she thought when she saw my jewelry and my christmas socks in the stirrups. then i took a biohazard zip lock from her tray of instruments when she was in the lab.

my weekend went well. i gave my mom the painting i did of myself asleep and topless and she said, my, nothing says Melida like this does. she said she liked it however regretted that she could not hang it in the house cause they're trying to sell it. so she said randall and i could put it up in the apt. randall's dad said it looked kind of erotic.

i had nothing better to do @5:50 PM

Saturday, May 11, 2002

i had a 2 min convo with my mom on the phone. she asked how i was feeling, said she was sick and had to buff the kitchen floor then said, "i wish you were with me." then she said she had to go and hung up. i feel so bad. like ive left her. in a few years time she's come to be all alone. we've gone from 6 to 1. my sis in germany, a bro in VA, a sis always with her b/f moving out in a month and me, so close yet not with her. and my dad is in NC. i feel like crying. i hate when she's not happy and i feel like it's my fault.

i had nothing better to do @4:51 PM

just got in from a party. there was a stripper. i was the lightest girl there so i got all the pick-her-up throw-her-around tricks. he put his cowboy hat on me and lifted me onto his head and had me ride him and kept unzipping my pants. it was so much fun to see my friend turn red and watch them all grab his ass. it was fun but that was it. guys just dont make me think of sex. oooh, he was waxed, though. as i was dangling above his body i took the opportunity to check out his legs and arms. smoooooooth. that's about it. the apt stinks so i bought some nice candles.

i had nothing better to do @12:21 AM

Friday, May 10, 2002


im at work and i just realized that everyone can totally see my underwear. today's pants are like these really nice ones that you just cant have panty lines with but i have no belt so the pants make that peek-a-boo triangle in back. so, uh, everyone can totally see that my underwear are this green see through with velvet black sparkly flowers G-string. and now my sweater is going around my waist where it will remain tied until im off work.

thank you

i had nothing better to do @1:05 PM

i had a bad dream at like 7am. when i woke up my heart was pounding and i was breathing hard. in my dream, i kept asking randall why he could marry his ex without worrying about other women but not me. in my dream i kept pushing him to answer and he kept giving runaround answers. i was like, "say it! say it!" what he was avoiding saying was something like that she was prettier than me. i realized it was a dream and was in panic to wake up and ask the real randall. i tried and couldnt for about a min. when i did, i woke up with my heart pounding. i eventually woke him up. he kept saying weird things in his sleep like, "glass is everywhere. i dont know from what." when i bugged him into being fully awake we got in a fight. he kept saying he never said he was going to marry her and that he didnt understand my question. but im still kinda uneasy about it.

i also dreamt i was trying to kill a little girl. she found out some secret i was keeping and i had to get rid of her. i had this army of little flying things that during the day were actually used in this game like footbag. i was some champion in the game cause i could fly and this helped me. at night i rounded them together and their eyes glowed neon green. i would fly next to them, but one night the girl saw me. i went into the garden locker which had a secret door to my room. i took her an made her lie in a bathtub of freezing water. but she got out and went to our mother.

another dream and i was in a sex shop. this one was really weird cause there were all these people. i cant remember what happened there though. they even had a wall of animals like snakes and hamsters and one REALLY huge gerbil- like a cat.

my tattoo is almost all healed. just a few scabs left over the red and white. so far it hasnt itched AT ALL which im told is really rare. so that's cool.

i had nothing better to do @12:22 PM

Thursday, May 09, 2002

this is the first time ive set my mood to "horny", but what the heck. im tired of always picking happy, content, sad, or gassy.

i had nothing better to do @8:04 PM

i saw pictures of my innards today! the docs showed me the points of internal bleeding that had caused me to be anemic for the past 6 years. ain't that crazy. of course, i recognized those pics from when i woke up during the actual procedure. *shudders* wasnt fun. i was crying from pain but couldnt move cause of the anesthesia. imagine if i had needed like heart surgery and i woke up during that! and because the doctor made me wait 20 min for him to show up, i stole a wrapped urine sample container from a drawer. first guest to the apt gets their drink in it, whoo-hoo!

anyway, im begining to talk more to this person that upset me so much today. i dont think im compromising my beliefs on drugs but maybe striving to understand and be more accepting of people's weaknesses. i cant think about that right now. it makes me go stupid when im bombarded by so many thoughts at once each of which are extremely passionate.

i had nothing better to do @8:02 PM

i am so freakin upset and i cant even begin to say why. i havent slept in two days and i havent eaten either. i cant do anything until i get resolve on this but i cant until much later when this person actually has a clear mind. i dont know what i'll say then. i dont want to give in and i dont want to be weak, but i dont want to lose this person either; i hate drugs but sometimes it's hard for me to separate that feeling from what i feel for the actual person. it's easy to hate them for being weak and it's not like i dont sin so i dont know what to do. im so stressed. i have so much homework due next week, a month until my college graduation, the results of a biopsy coming in today, this stupid problem, and so much more. im hungry but there's a knot in my stomach. i really want to hit someone very hard. and scream.

i had nothing better to do @12:05 PM

boys are so WEIRD. how is it a girl can know, like MONTHS before a guy that they're meant to get married?? actually that's not what im thinking about. i consider myself a creative person, but sometimes....i dont know. for instance, this was my genius idea tonight:
Meli's Yummy Yummy Drink

1. one shot Kahula
2. a cup of Half and Half
3. the inside of a No Sugar Added ice cream sandwich (i have no icecream)

all this equals.....NASTINESS! what was i thinking?! oh well. it's almost 2am so im going sleepy now. oh, i just found out a bug bit my butt. pervert bug. now my butt has a bump.

i had nothing better to do @1:45 AM

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

ok. the pics arent that great cause im working with a $20 camera and it's hard to take a decent pic of the back of your neck, but at least you get the idea. it's in the healing process right now so it's pretty much just a big colorful bunch of scabs. ooooh yeah.

Tattoo Pics

i had nothing better to do @3:22 PM

i had such a crappy morning. my teacher made me feel like shit so i just hunched over my notebook doodling the entire class period. what a bitch to say something to me in front of the whole fucking class. ive got an A in that class and i always participate except for today. after she said what she did i didnt even look at anyone. afterward i was talking to my project group and one of the girls commented on the prof's attitude. but they said they liked my tattoo so that cheered me up a little. i hate when people say negative things to me cause i always want to cry especially when it's like, critisizing who i am or the way i act. then i feel like shit and i get really quiet and try to disappear. i dont even feel like talking to anyone online. im just gonna work on homework i guess.

then i felt bad again cause i asked randall to get me some food but they cut his order short so he got less. i think im getting on his nerves or annoying him. i should not see him so often or something; maybe just go home to my mom's house and sleep there so i dont piss more people off.

i had nothing better to do @2:14 PM

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

i forgot my camera again. grrrrrrr...

my tattoo was all gooey last night and now it's finally starting to scab. sounds yummy. it's not itchy yet though and it still looks fine, just feels all bumpy. i first noticed the gooiness last night at the movies. my shirt kept getting icky from it and now there's some ink on the collar but that's ok cause Y Tu Mama Tambien was worth it. Gael is my favorite foreign actor so i had to go see it. there was a LOT of nudity, sex scenes, and all that but i think that because it was both sexes that it wasnt bad at all. american films make me uncomfortable the way they only show women like their bodies are the objects of sexual desire and i think that negatively affects both men and women. however in seeing both males and females naked and engaged in sexual activities not only does nudity become less of a taboo or "bad thing" but sexuality in general is presented as a natural part of the human experience, which it is, and supplies a positive social conditioning. and so, i recommend this movie (gael is julio, not tenoch)

perhaps i am a bit over-analytical in my writing today however seeing as how i am faced with writing 4 papers as well as the outline for an oral presentation this week i am quite possibly justified in my stylitic journaling. i made a white russian last night but i couldnt take more than 4 sips. it went straight down the drain. tonight im going to try my own invention using kauhla, slim fast, half and half, and ice. if it works, i'll call it a tan russian. or a mexican-russian.

i had nothing better to do @5:00 PM

Monday, May 06, 2002

sat was awesome! i spent a lot of time with my mommy who is back from Mexico and she told me the craziest story. it was really weird. when my great-grandmother died, all these things were happening. like, sat she kept saying, "how many days, how many hours?" and at the end of the day she got really excited and started talking to her son, who died earlier this year. then sunday she was crying out happily, "Viejito! Viejito" which is what she called her late husband. she asked him when it would be. then that night she said, "The sun, why is it so bright? why is it so bright in here?" and "im going on monday" and she died on monday. there's more to this story but man my family is crazy when it comes to spririts and stuff. we see dead relatives and get premenitions which sometimes seems scary but at the same time i think it's awesome that we have this bond. you know? and it's gonna be cool that when my grandmother dies, she'll be met with all her loved ones cause that always worries me. im gonna be so sad when it happens, but as long as she's ok, i know i will be.

so my mom told me all about her trip to mexico and also about how she embaressed herself and almost got arrested coming back into the country. she was so tired and emotionally wore out she was all up in the guards' faces screaming at them, "i work for the governement, assholes. I work with the attornies! we take your farms and your houses!!" her bro and uncle were laughing so hard. man, she soo could have been arrested but the guard was nice about it. then that night i hung out with some girls which was great cause we got to talk about boys and stuff. im appriciating girls more now. then we went underwear shopping for fun and as we were looking this lady told me i looked like the girl from Dark Angel which is cool cause i think she's hot. i ended up buying these relly cute shiny pink g-strings with this eyelet cut in front cause they matched my nails and toenails. Girl stuff is fun. oh, and this weekend i have a bridal shower and a bachelorette party to go to. i have to bring $1 bills and a "naughty gift". um....im kinda nervous cause i wouldnt want randall seeing strippers so i feel weird doing it, plus, im really not into naked guys. i mean, it'll be fun to have a few drinks and hang with the girls, even to give the bride to be an awesome gift for her wedding night but for some guy to be with his package all up in my face? we'll see. maybe i've said too much.

i had nothing better to do @7:40 PM

i have a tattoo on the back of my neck but i overslept before work and didnt have time to grab my digicam, so no pics yet.

i was NERVOUS when i went in. i had to pee 8 times the hour before my appt. the guy was really nice and had two little girls so that made me a lil more comfy- like cause he was a family man. his work area was really clean and nice. he had lots of pics of his fam and artwork and had music playing. randall went in with me and talked to the guy a lot as i sat really nervous wondering why on earth i was doing this. i came up with a few reasons: i wanted to do this because Jesus went through lots of pain for me. it would be symbolic of my faith. ive been studying a lot about the Holy Spirit for the past year and I think every Christian has It but we dont always open out hearts to It which i totally see in myself and that's something ive been working on. plus, yesterday at church there was a baptism ceromony where maybe 20 people went under. i cried during the whole thing and was clapping really loudly for all these stranger i didnt know. baby.

anyway, when he got the needles ready and the thingies of ink, i tried to figure out how i would position myself in the chair. i really wanted something to press my head into so i wouldnt move but there was nothing. i also wanted to grab on to something really tightly. he cleaned my neck and put some vaseline like stuff on so he could get the stencil on. when everything was prepared he asked me if i was ready and twice i said no. randall rubbed my back and the guy was really nice about me being a wuss. finally i said ok but to go VERY SLOWLY. he put his hands on my back, tilted my head foward and brought the needle up waiting for me to ok him. finally i said ok and held my breath waiting for extreme pain although everyone at BME said it wasnt so bad. he did it for 5 seconds then let up and asked me how i was. hey, that wasnt bad at all! so it went like that with short intervals of tattooing. only 5-7 times did it REALLY hurt but it was only for a few seconds. sometimes, it actually didnt hurt at all and felt good in some way. we talked about a lot of stuff as he tattooed and when he got to the upper part of my neck right by my hairline i could feel like my skull vibrate from the machine which was weird. an hour later (didnt seem that long at all) i had a gorgeous tattoo on the back of my neck and he was putting a bandage on and giving me instructions. so there ya go. i am permanently marked for life with God coming down as the Holy Spirit in my custom tattoo.

i had nothing better to do @5:58 PM

Saturday, May 04, 2002

my headache just went away after 8 hours of flipping around in bed moaning and pressing my head into the wall. i woke up glad to be free of it but as i was getting ready to shower i got really weak. so i braced myself on the sink. but i got weaker and weaker until i yelled out and fell to the bathroom floor in a lump. i was there for a few seconds until i could stand again but had to brace myself once more. i feel so weak and out of breath right now. I HATE SUGAR. i had mike &ike's yesterday and koolaid and that's what has left me like this today; sugar hates my body and my body hates it. every now and then my body gets really tingly, too. i dont mind not being able to have caffine or milk, but sugar has been a lot harder to cut from my life; however instances like this help me say no to it.

gradaution pics this morning. i wanna go back to bed, though.

i had nothing better to do @9:47 AM

Friday, May 03, 2002

in two more days i'll have a tattoo on the back of my neck. that'll be sweet. i hope i remember to take a camera so you guys can see me crying, ha! i hope not... i do want to take pics though. i think that'd be an awesome post.

i had nothing better to do @3:57 PM

Thursday, May 02, 2002

ok, now this is just an idea but, :
a naked self-portrait of myself for my mom on mother's day. i think i really like this idea but it wont be, like, true to life; it'll be an artistic rendition. it's her daughter as she came into the world. free from the influence of society's dress and fully exposed as the person she is. oooh. i like that. im gonna pick up a canvas tomorrow.

i've also looked more into one of my schools ive been accepted to and im not at all impressed or pleased by the final projects of their graduates. If i dont get into UC, i might just take an apprenticeship under a designer and learn that way. im not a total doof. i can sew, i know color schemes, i can draw..so maybe i should go the route of experience over education. i mean, i'll already have a degree anyway.

i had nothing better to do @8:42 PM

things i will never again admit to
so you better pay attention

1. there are many boogers on randall's carpet and they arent his (um, i am looking into who the culprit could be...)

2. i dropped all the ice cubes on the floor today and put them right back in the container (he's lived there over a year and it has NEVER been mopped)

3. i have had crushes on 73% of the (non-family) males i've known in my lifetime

4. i peed on the floor in a stall here on campus without realizing i was missing the toilet

5. i have aimed my pee at an object 1.5 feet away (stupid boys, told you i could)

6. i was convinced id be a great phone sex operator (til randall assured me it's still sexual sin)

7. i cheated on a test once in my life but failed it anyway

8. in general, i think girls are a lot more attractive than guys

9. i used to sit on my sister and fart to make her really mad

10. i once dreamt i was trying to, um, make nice with rose mcgowan but she turned out to be a big tease so i left

11. i never wore shorts until last summer just cause i was so self conscious

12. im very afraid of the dark

13. i was taught how to change a diaper by the 4 yr old sister of the baby i was taking care of

14. i had never held a baby until last summer

15. im scared of dogs bigger than i kill if i had to

16. horses are kinda scary too

17. i want to marry randall (i admit this only cause his computer is broken right now)

18. when i was 12 i prayed for my period and got it (but He won't take it back)

19. i used to kiss boys in the bathroom in kindergarten

20. but i went all of high school without really kissing anyone

21. i feel really bad for the mean things i did to my siblings when we were younger, but will probably never apologize

22. i used to wish my parents would get divorced

23. i think my forehead is big

24. i pee in the shower

25. sometimes i get jealous of other people cause ive never smoked, done drugs, or had that "pre-God" life they did.

and that's all im giving away today. i think ive embarassed myself enough.

i had nothing better to do @8:15 PM

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

sunday at 5pm i get my tattoo. oh my goodness. i hope it looks really good.

i was up late last night making this big necklace that is like a 2.5 inch tall light blue crystal choker that has really long danglies that go all the way down to your boobs. i wore it today and all the girls in class thought it was gorgeous which is cool cause i had to ask them what our homework was about since i skipped it to make necklaces. when i finally fell asleep i had another nightmare but i cant remember it.

i rarely have nightmares but i cant figure out what's upseting me so much. even as i lay down last night i felt really paranoid and had to double check that i was completely covered up cause i hate if my feet or something is hanging out and vulnerable. i also cant fall asleep with my back to open space. my back always has to go to the wall so that i can "keep watch". for what? nothing of course, but i have to sleep that way anyway. i want to live in a place where the night is short and the moon and stars are bright enough that im not peeping out from the covers wondering what's across the room.

i had nothing better to do @3:44 PM