pull my finger

about this site

this is my personal journal and i put all sorts of stuff up and talk about whatever the hell i want to. it may be offensive, i may talk about you, you may leave.

* e-mail me *

i will never have enough:

luggage, purses, totes
coffee cups, travel mugs, tea
tattoos...well, maybe there's a limit
coats and jackets
craft supplies

Rated G
Vineyard Sermons
Joshua House Sermons
Rated PG-13
The Spark
Celebrity Tattoos
Craig's List
The Onion
Get Crafty
post your secret
Rated R/NC17
BME Body Mod
Suicide Girls
Purity Tests
Ask the Gypsie

today i'm The current mood of melida at www.imood.com

Tuesday, April 30, 2002
i found out late last night that my great grandma in mexico died. my mom and a lot of family are down there right now. when i slept i only dreamt of the lights going out. my dream would look just like reality. as i lay in bed there would be noises and then blackness would overcome. a few times the lights dimmed to a red glow. over and over until randall came home and woke me. i didnt look at him at all or speak to him as he got all my meds ready. i didnt hug him or kiss him until 30 min later when i just curled into him. he talked to me as i just lay with my head in his chest letting tears run down him. i always have bad dreams when im alone. i hate the dark and night's little noises. there was some noise, like someone trying to open a doorknob very slowly and after 4 minutes i had enough. i peeped my head out from under the blanket and with it wrapped around my body i slowly crept into the next room with, aheam, one fist up and ready. yes, i am a wuss and i dont care. it was nothing. the noises were coming from around the apt but not inside. so i lay back down and that's when the light dreams began.

when i was a baby my mom saw a woman standing over my crib. she told her mother about it the next morning and descirbed the clothing. my grandma said that's exactly what this relative (in law or grandmother) was buried in but my mom didnt go to the funeral and that i was the first child/grandchild/great-grandchild for that family. spooky, eh? everyone on my mom's side always has these experiences. i always hear lots of stories of spirits and the most inexplicable phenomon that always involves dead relatives and i started thinking about that last night. my brain absolutely scares me at night. if id seen something, i would have had a heart attack right there- naked and wrapped in the blanket. id be so embaressed to be found that way.

i had nothing better to do @2:37 PM

Monday, April 29, 2002

ok, this is it!!

Tattoo Sketching: im hopefully gonna catch the artist on wed so he can spiffy it up for me cause im not too happy with the head but otherwise i think this is what's going on the back of my neck.

i had nothing better to do @7:44 PM

im such a baby. there are tears running down my face right now. ahhh, what a girl! the Maury Povich show made me cry but at the end when the give that single mom and her two little kids the clothes and the trip to Disneyworld, i was done for. ok, i just did my makeup so i gotta clean up this mess.

i had nothing better to do @3:56 PM

Saturday, April 27, 2002

today was im a good cook day. i made 4 belgium waffles without burning them or setting anything on fire, yeah! then i made this drink that's a can of pinapple slices in their own juice poured into an old applesauce jar with the rest of a bottle of rum. you shake it up and put it in the fridge and voila! pinapple-rum-jar. it's not so bad except i maybe used too much rum cause i have to keep respelling words. i may be a little bit tipsy and should not be practicing walking in my "platform sandels of death." however, in this compromised state i was finally after weeks of trying able to sketch out two tattoos which are what im finally deciding on. im pretty happy that i'll have a custom tattoo rather than walking in with prinouts of Clipart as was my original plan. what was i thinking? one is a flame that like turns into a dove. but drawn in such a way that the dove does not look like it's on fire. this represents God (flame) coming to earth (me) as the Holy Spirit (dove). the other is like a purple(royalty) heart(love) outline with a cross in middle for Jesus. im thinking the God/Spirit one will go on the back of my neck and the Jesus one on the front of my shoulder. i'll review my plans in the morning, however, once i've regenerated some brain cells and this makes more sense.

i feel bad wasting the pineapples which have absorbed the rum, so im eating those too. fruit is good for me anyway and they taste better than the juice which is prolly a lot more rum than juice.

right now my mom is in mexico visiting family cause her grandma is really sick. i feel bad. i am here, studying spanish because i want to know my family but i feel like im losing them too soon. i feel that if she dies, i will lose a part of myself and that some race will be lost. i cant imagine the stories she has. about where we came from, her childhood, anything. i want to know it all. and now that im finally graduating with a degree in spanish, im losing some of my oldest relatives. if something happens to her, im dedicating my degree to her honor.
=( oh no, im sad now. i really like being mexican. i love our music and the way we look. although im 100% mexican (you know, the native american/indigenous/african/asian/spainard mix we are) im pretty light skinned. i get mistaken for other stuff a lot like italian, asian, spanish, south african (yes, ive gotten this), some islander, and lots of other stuff. but i like my hair and my eyes and my skin. and even though it's hard finding a small waisted, larged butt pair of 2's, i really like my body shape even. im rambilng. im going to go now. i have to sell some necklaces tomorrow and it might take a while to make them since im all weird right now.
=) me, weird? ha!

i had nothing better to do @10:34 PM

im ordering 65 graduation announcements for my parents this week and george bush might be the speaker at graduation. man, the pressure is on to not fail...it would be beyond embaressing to not make it this spring

Bush set to address Ohio State graduates

WASHINGTON -- In a major coup for Ohio State University, President Bush will be the speaker at the spring commencement June 14, several sources close to the White House said.

The Bush administration declined to confirm the appearance, but sources told The Dispatch that Bush has agreed to the visit. They cautioned, however, that the president's schedule is fluid.

Ohio State officials would confirm only that the university has invited Bush to speak.

"It is our understanding that his staff is certainly looking at this invitation,'' said Lee Tashjian, vice president for university communications. "We have not yet had confirmation that he has accepted.''

Tashjian said Ohio State students sent Bush the invitation.

Last year, students were responsible for landing Bill Cosby for spring commencement, by far the largest of the four graduation ceremonies the university holds each year.

"The spring commencement speaker is always selected by the students,'' Tashjian said, adding that the school doesn't pay its graduation speakers.

Bush would become the second sitting president to speak at an Ohio State commencement.

Gerald Ford came to campus in 1974 to speak at summer commencement shortly after he ascended to the Oval Office, replacing President Nixon, who resigned.

In 1987, OSU invited former President Reagan to speak at spring commencement. He declined.

President Bush attended three commencements last year: the U.S. Naval Academy, Notre Dame and Yale, his alma mater.

Bush's planned address at Ohio State would be his second visit to Ohio in just over a month and his third since becoming president -- a sign of the continuing political importance the White House attaches to the Buckeye State.

Bush won Ohio by a relatively small margin in 2000. Without Ohio's electoral votes, he would have lost the election.

Bush is scheduled to attend a May 10 fund-raiser benefiting Gov. Bob Taft and the Republican Party, and likely will participate in a public event then.

On Feb. 20, 2001, one month after taking office, Bush visited Sullivant Elementary School to promote his education-overhaul proposals

too bad im not republican, eh? i had a dream that it was graduation day and my gown was a plastic bag accompanied by thick latex gloves. all my extended family was there and there was a little girl following me around. i also dreamed i was with randall and this guy and we had hostages in this huge house and there were soldiers outside with lasers and guns trying to kill us. we ended up not getting a lot of money but took what we could on our way out. i also kept trying to have sex with someone i know, but now cant remember who. i think he was famous which is insane cause i dont like any famous males. when i woke up randall asked me if his beard was still there. he asked where i had gone and told me not to leave again cause he didnt know where i was. he was half asleep but i stayed there anyway.

i had nothing better to do @5:29 PM

Friday, April 26, 2002

my day:

got one nipple ring switched to a bar

bought a belgium waffle maker

had my second ever mango daquiri (now my fave drink)

bought a bunch of rubbermaid

got in a fight with a bunch of stupid blonde girls who have a staring problem while being backed by my friends calling them hoes and staring right back at them and freaking the girls out so much they locked the car doors and jetted out (i love my girls)

bought platform sandles i will never wear again cause i tripped 3 times coming home in front of passing traffic and guys that just had to stick their stupid fat heads out the window to see

bought that 8 hr lipstick that's starting to wear off after 7 hrs (i love this stuff!!)

had my first seafood in YEARS. just the thought of TOUCHING crab nearly made me puke, but the girls made me eat it. ugh!

and that's it. im gonna eat leftovers and wait til my baby gets off work at 3am so i can give him kisses.

i had nothing better to do @11:50 PM

uh-oh...the other day when i was taking a shower the shampoo bottle cap fell and went down the drain. randall thinks this is why the water is going so slowly but i fought for a hairclot. (cause then it would still be my fault, but at least it's easier to fix) but i just used some Draino thing and it didnt work. =( i broke his bathtub. anyway, my girls are almost here to pick me up and visit tattoo places. yeah! im getting a dove on the back of my neck. randall's giving me the cash and then that's how i'll get it. he said that way he's technically not paying for it in case we break up. grrrrrr. then i got pissed cause like, what? he's thinking of breaking up with me? but i guess i see his point. oooh! Days of Our Lives!!

i had nothing better to do @1:24 PM

Thursday, April 25, 2002

yesterday an email from the President's hoe and today an email from the president himself. let me show you what the student body pres. and the University pres. think of us:
"The first thing we all must do before we decide how to correct the problem is to realize that we have a problem. And it is a profoundly significant one." (what are we, alcoholics?)

"1,000 students were at the riots on Saturday " (we're finally doing something together that doesnt include football)

"These students are an embarrassment to the university, the city, their parents, and their fellow students -- the vast majority of whom are as appalled as we are" (i really dont care what the other students are doing, Mr president)

"Such behavior also is disrespectful to our public safety forces, particularly in light of Sept. 11. City and university police and fire departments should not have to spend precious time and resources on keeping students in line when there are criminal threats to our community." (using the tragedy of 9-11 for this? oh come on)

"We are also very proud of the role our student leaders took in trying to quell the disturbances" (only cause the University Student Government are all his hoes)

"The university will maintain a zero tolerance policy for those who participate in and perpetuate this destructive and disgraceful behavior." (may i remind you of an incident regarding our USG leaders invloving the theft of monies as well as the destruction of hundreds of dollars of university property? oh, but you forget about THAT incident)

"I call on all of our students to behave responsibly this weekend and thereafter, and remind them of the serious consequences they will face if they do not." (so now you're telling me what to do? im 22 and not your child)

Dear OSU, i hate you anyway. i dont care WHAT riots are going on. The USG is not there for the students but to kiss the president's ass. And they are doing such a nice job, no wonder the USG president got elected for a second term, cause i sure didnt vote for him. IF I GET ANOTHER EMAIL FROM ANY OF YOU, you will get one right back that will be just as demeaning as the ones you are sending ME. back off. im only here for the degree. i dont care about your reputation and "pretige". HA! and i dont really care if there are more riots cause it makes no difference to me. you all have forgotten this is an institution of learning anyway and not the freaking NFL. get over it. you're not known for your academics but your football team.

It's a state school anyway, what the heck did they expect??

i had nothing better to do @7:35 PM

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

ive gone to school here almsot 4 years and i STILL got on the wrong bus today. i've been walking for the past 50 minutes. and it rained. but it gave me the excercise i never get and i prayed the whole way. i asked for the answer to a problem and as soon as the apt came into view it came to me, or was given to me- depending on your beliefs. so im gonna sit down with paper and pencil and brainstorm what i've got so far. i also thought a lot about lust in a very never ending circle kinda way

so you're not supposed to, but it's in your sinful nature so you do. and you cant act on it, but it's like an ignored itch that just gets worse. so you can say, ok, i wont scratch the rash, but i'll pour cool water on it or rub it instead. but you cant do that with lust cause then you're physically lusting and it turns into temptation. so you dont do anything. but it wont go away. so it makes you think things. AND SO FORTH. this ran through my head from so many different angles that tears actually came to my eyes from frustration. no lie.

ok, im hungry and i need to wash my hands. i just picked my nose. im tired. i dont really care that i just revealed this.

i had nothing better to do @10:26 PM

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

ok, i know, im horrible for abondoming my "dream" but i think it's time to get to work with it. today, i added some stuff to the site although i have so much more to scan. especially necklaces. oh well, a few earring are there for now and im really gonna try to get all my stuff up there this time.

i had nothing better to do @7:25 PM

is there really any point to marriage? my past three boyfriends had parents that were divorced, a lot of my friends' parents are divorced or in the process of divorce.

i plan on getting my husband's name tattooed on me and everyone is asking what if you get divorced. i dont believe in divorce, even if my husband commits adultry. people are forgetting marriage is a sacred union made under the eyes of God. so let's say im married and we're not getting divorced (i would only consider this if he was abusing our children but i plan on knowing him well enough before we're together) and he's cheating on me, lusting after all these other people and so forth. that would suck. what's the freaking point of being married. why dont people just have sex. yes, they may be sinning, but they arent breaking a sacred vow. my brother is excited about his medals of honor he's recieved from the Navy cause he thinks they mean something. i told him, "i really dont care. cause i see how much that piece of medal on your ring finger meant to you once you were married." it meant shit and they're divorced now. i am absolutely not getting divorced if i ever decide to get married. people just look for the easy ways out and they make excuses for themselves to try and justify their divorces. and enullments are stupid. you married, and you cant take it back. how stupid is it for man to try and make loopholes in God's law? it's not marriage that is upsetting me, it's all of mankind right now.

i've made two glass necklaces today. im meeting a woman this weekend who is buying and i need tattoo money. how perfectly this works out

i had nothing better to do @4:56 PM

Monday, April 22, 2002

im not sure on the colors yet, but im looking at the designs at right for a tattoo. im thinking of a cross or the heart on the back of my neck and the dove or a cross on my arm.

i just got an order and an invitation to join a woman in selling my designs! im excited, especially since seconds before the call i was wondering how i would get the money i needed for the tattoos and also because yesterday out of nowhere the thought of selling my stuff came into my head as a replacement for pursuing my second degree next fall. i still feel like crap about the fight with randall. im sooo insecure. bah. i wish i wasnt so jealous.

i had nothing better to do @7:49 PM

it must be hell to date you, but so much fun
-a male friend

the more i look at myself and my relationships, the more true this is. in fact, i just had a fight with randall so this is ringing very acurate right now in my mind. my insecurity can make me very jealous and often my assumptions leave me totally misreading a person or situation. blah. i feel like crap right now. the whole, im so stupid blah blah blah deal. future boyfriends beware.

i had nothing better to do @3:59 PM

Sunday, April 21, 2002

today, i won a bet. randall bet i wouldnt be able to let him lick my eyeball and i didnt even try to blink. i won a pair of shoes.

i had nothing better to do @10:19 PM

Friday, April 19, 2002

a combination of a bad dream and a "discussion" this morning left me feeling really "blah" especially about my looks. im so sensitive sometimes. the smallest thing can change my whole mood. anyway, randall dropped me off downtown on his way to class and at that same intersection within a few minutes i got:
herpes- haha! no i didnt!
"hello, gorgeous" man at bus stop
*whistling* from car driving by
"i love you!" from another car
and a small conversation as i was waiting in line while getting on a bus:
"What's your name?"
"you're a very pretty girl"
"thank you"
"have a nice day"

so then i felt a lot better. im in a good mood now. im getting my hair done in a few hours and then im going to a girlie sleepover where we're gonnna make the final desicions on our tatoos. wheeee!

i had nothing better to do @1:52 PM

Thursday, April 18, 2002

i just got back from Latin Night at school. i got a mexicn flag arm "tattoo", i made earrings, got my pic taken and made a frame and listened to awesome salsa, merengue, and tango music. i got invited out to a latin dance club but said id go next time. i feel so weird. like, i was the only latina there not dancing. i had to pay thousands of dollars to learn to speak spainsh- that's why im IN college. people asked me to dance, but sometimes i can hardly walk on two feet let alone dance on them. *sigh* also, it took a bit to work of the nerve to even go. i feel so quiet and meek when im around my own culture sometimes. like an observer i sat back and watched round hips swaying back and forth as long dark hair whipped around the room. bodies curved into each other and they each knew something i feel i dont. i dont know. im being stupid. im going out dancing next chance i get. i got someone's number that is really wanting me to go so hopefully i dont make up any excuses.

oh, and i got so many people telling me i looked familiar because of me being in the newspaper. i am a celebrity

i had nothing better to do @11:42 PM

im on the front page of the school newspaper hooray! i made that shirt by the way.

however, after reading the article i now feel some obligation toward human justice to cancel my order. but i dont wanna! i want my magazines!! this is one "unidentified woman" that doesnt want to cancel her order. grrr......

randall's so pretty

i had nothing better to do @5:45 PM

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

i spent almost $150 today. i bought two 2-year magazine subscriptions, a pair of jeans, a pair of excercise pants, two skirts, a bag, 2 shirts, and a shirt for my sis's b-day. urban outfitters had the bestest ever sale today and it made me late to class. i walked in 20 minutes late and im hoping the 50 ton shopping bag they gave me didnt blow my cover. i tried to hide it between two desks. and as i was sitting down i was gonna pull my skirt up so that it wouldnt be so low the guy behind me would see my underwear, WELL, instead, i realized that i had missed my skirt's waistband and had begun hitching up my UNDERWEAR. i hope everyone on the left side of the room enjoyed the view of my blue stars thong. all i wanted was to sneak into class like i wasnt even late but apparently even this is impossible for me. um, i also sold my textbook today for some cash. and it just happened to be the one i needed today. so while everyone else was looking through their books following along i acted really busy writing in my datebook and then took a 10 min bathroom break in the building across the street. and i walked very slowly.

ive also decided i want to look really really good for graduation. so i started working out last night. hopefully i keep with it cause ive never excercised for more than a week straight before. i hope randall makes me run. it will be hard though cause as it is going up 2 flights of stairs will put me out of breath and grasping at the walls trying not to collapse from utter physical excersion. i hate when the elevators arent working.

i had nothing better to do @2:13 PM

Tuesday, April 16, 2002


this is horrible but i have to do it. i totally lusted after another guy today. and the worst part is it was randall's best friend. but when i saw him squirming around trying to figure out how to take the bra he was wearing off, man, all i could think of was ripping that and his pink panties right off! haha!! actually that is very not true. we talked about poopie and suppositories which is not a sexy topic at all. um, he did wear one of my bra's though.

which reminds me, i really like randall. this is on my mind cause at my last, you know, therapy session thing, we talked a lot about him and i think the guy was really impressed by our relationship and i also had dinner with a friend last night and we talked about randall. and i dont have to do that therapy thing anymore. i told him about almost everything (leaving out the parts that would prolly freak him out) and he presented something that i've never heard of before. although most people would assume that sex at such an early age is rape, i never agreed that this would always be the case. the more i talked to him i began to see that because of the special circumstances it was actually something very different which also accounted for all my confusion in how i totally am not the norm for what most people consider me to be, a victim of sexual abuse. so i learned a lot talking with him that day.

i cant wait to pick out the design for my tattoo!

i had nothing better to do @7:44 PM

uh-oh. i dont think my uterus is happy right now. feels like it's churning. or is that my stomach? i need a human phys class. something inside is very pissed off right now.

i had nothing better to do @6:04 PM

this is going in my pink wedding notebook. im telling you, the only thing left is the freaking man.

im thinking of getting a tattoo. im really thinking about it. even though i think it makes girls look really unfeminine im hoping to find something that wont do that. i think i want it on my arm cause i would be able to see it. hmmmm...... it's going to be a cross or a symbol for the holy spirit. im talking to one of my friends that wants to get a tattoo, too and she wants to do it before i move this summer. we would go together.

i had nothing better to do @5:11 PM

Monday, April 15, 2002

i thought id have a bad day when i was walking 4 feet behind some girl and two men sitting on a picnic table said, hey babe, in the green, id like to be your boyfriend! *i* was wearing a yellow shirt, she had the green. so i totally dwelled on this for a long while and had to cheer myself up by buying sunglasses, a matching camisole/panty set, and 32oz of various hand soaps from Bath &Body. note: dont clothes shop when you're, you know, bloated. cause you're only gonna feel ugly when your normal size wont even cover your crack and you could swear the zipper cant possibly be all the way down. the poor man watching the surveilance tv's was either grossed out or laughing out of his chair at me trying on 3 pairs of the same size. if one doesnt fit...

but on the way to finding a mailbox for my taxes a car of college boys drove by and not only honked but called out, whoo-hoo!! yeah! i have achieved a new level today. it wasnt some city matienence truck, or the Budwieser semi, not even some homeless man. No, today it was real college boys. I think im gonna cry....im so happy.

we will of course ignore a possibility of it being someone i know. because it wasnt

and a weird experience at a coffee house last night added to my suspicion that there is some kind of conspiracy against me orchestrated by my church. im gonna deal with it within the next week and then get the heck out of there. i cant go into details cause...well....they're weird. and....they'll find out. im much happier at The Vineyard anyway and so is randall. church is about God and not stupid high school stunts especially when it comes to the leadership.

i had nothing better to do @5:56 PM

Saturday, April 13, 2002

i've only got three more days of medication left! wheee!! what will i do those morning when i wake up and there's no pill to shove up my bum? oh well. i'll just have to wait those few months until my next round of meds start.

james was in a bad mood yesterday so i thought shopping would cheer him up. we went to a magazine shop to see zines and then to a shop that sold club clothes. he was still really down so next in line was a sex shop. we looked at all the prostitute dresses and toys that were obscenely huge. i thought that would make him laugh but nope. he had to run across the street to get his id and then on the way out he beeped. not a good day for him. oh well.

im currently in a tetnus scare. i accidently put my hand flat down on a nail sticking straight up. i totally freaked, not just from the pain but the thought of lockjaw and....uh...whatever else is supposed to happen. so i ran straight to an advice nurse on campus and she thought i was stupid. i ended up leaving without a shot but in the back of my mind im wondering if i'll die.

oh, and im writing a book. it's called
Proof: how i know God exists
im really excited about it and have most of the outline already. i think it might be zine-size though. i've only thought up about 30 pages so far. i love God.

i had nothing better to do @12:40 PM

Friday, April 12, 2002

had a pregnant dream last night. i also read three articles about pregnancy yesterday which all happened to be in the same issue of Vogue. they also showed fashion for pregnant women. i always get so pregnancy oriented once a month. grrrrr...... once i dreamt i gave birth to a kitten and i didnt want the doctors to stich up my cootchie so i got up from the bed to go to the bathroom. because i opted to not let the doctor fix me up i had stuff that looked like guts hanging out from me and my huge gown. my baby kitty was gorgeous. anyway, it's so weird the way your body's chemistry can affect you so much.

in my dream last night my sister was dying of acid reflux and i got lost in downtown Dallas looking for my family. i met this boy who was gonna get me home. and the bus driver was really mean. and i threw my vitamins at this mean dog and my mom had troopers out looking for me. but after being with this boy for a while i wasnt scared anymore. i really didnt want to go back to Ft Worth. i loved the small paths that were surrounded by lush greenery which he led me on. then i was with an older man in a hotel. then he was my grandfather and i hate him. i tried to get away from him. then i was with randall. we were in a weird apartment and were gonna have sex. i went to the fridge and was looking for hard boiled eggs. then he was like, uh-oh, you're pregnant and i smiled cause i was.

but in real life im not. im just getting ready to break open that 100ct box of tampons i just bought from Sam's Club. man, 100 tampons. that's, like, crazy.

i had nothing better to do @12:12 PM

Thursday, April 11, 2002

bought randall an aloe vera plant and this other really leafy one. the sales lady took me around showing me boyfriend-proof plants so they wouldnt die on him. the aloe vera is practically cactus

i dont care, everyone else does it and since no one's jumping off a bridge today:

the following is not a dramatization. this is what i actually do at work. and i get paid

justifide31: working?
*co worker* yep, for another half hour
*co worker* working hard or hardly working?
justifide31: hardly working!! duh, what do you think this is, a real job?
justifide31: it's 85 in here
justifide31: bah
*co worker* is the lab closed?
justifide31: nope
justifide31: turned the lights off
justifide31: ooooh!
justifide31: we're in the dark!
justifide31: who touched that?!
*co worker* oh uh
*co worker* why don't you close it and kick everyone out?
justifide31: cause i wanna chat
justifide31: if i get bored i will
justifide31: or if they try asking questions
*co worker* you could close the lab and then run around naked
< *co worker* of course that would defeat the purpose of you putting on clothes to begin with
justifide31: you see? now what would be the point of that
justifide31: uh-oh a question
justifide31: : that's it, they're at their limit
*co worker* ha
*co worker* "Any more questions and I'm shutting this lab down!! You got me People?!"
justifide31: i have to find the whip first
justifide31: the crack makes them scared
*co worker* crack scares the hell out of me too
*co worker* especial plumber crack
*co worker* especially
*co worker* sorry
justifide31: ooooh! i though there was a SPECIAL kind of plumber
justifide31: like extra wide crack
*co worker* no, thats standard size

i had nothing better to do @5:52 PM

had a horrible night. was up til 3am. i hate fights.

went out with my mom today for lunch. we're making plans for the announcements, pictures, cap and gown, party..... all these guys kept honking and calling out to me and she kept giving them nasty looks. i called randall like 6 times making up excuses to call. im very uneasy right now about the relationship. i hate when there's something left unresolved. i have to take a fight to it's resolution which didnt happen last night. until i have that fight reach a logical understanding and agreement between us my mind will stay in it. it needs that satisfaction. the end.

i had nothing better to do @2:50 PM

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

oh no! i was at this hair styles site and then all these pop ups were coming up so i kept trying to close them then they were naked people and they were doing stuff and i kept trying to close them but there were too many!! and i had to reboot cause my computer faces the room and...oh dear

that would really suck to get an email tomorrow asking me to refrain from viewing porn while at work cause i SWEAR it was a HAIRSTYLES site!!

i had nothing better to do @6:53 PM

there's a male review i've been invited to tomorrow night. i've been told it's kinda like a Chippendale's thing. im really interested in seeing what it's like and i've been invited by this girl i really want to get to know better, but randall's kind of "eh" about it. it's not like my going is the parallel of a man in a strip club for this reason: i really am not turned on by naked guys. guys may be cute. i may like their hair, their style, their personality but they just do not turn me on whether they're dancing provactively or whatever. i would go just for the fun of it and not for any arousal or anything like that. of course that brings up, are you gay? of course not. i just think men have silly bodies and cant possibly imagine being turned on by a complete stranger just because i happen to see his penis.
i think that's the first time i've said penis on my page. oh my. im becoming such a liberal little college student, arent i?

i have 42 more school days. that's so crazy. i cant wait til graduation. im already memorizing the ceremony. my tassle will be white. i must order my cap and gown. get pictures taken. i need to do something with my hair. in june i think randall and i will start talking more seriously. a relationship is all about contact and presence. i dont believe in long distance relationships because you cant hold the other person or kiss them. you dont share in the trivial every day problems and joys. you dont grow together mentally or spiritually and when you DO see each other, that time is only spent presenting some glorified version of yourself because you know your time together is short and you miss out on important dynamics that make the other person. i really love him, but i dont think i can keep a relationship with a person i'll only have visitations with. i know i will need to move. God will always come before anyone else in my life, including boyfriends and husbands. God's will is for me to leave to pursue design whether or not i have a boyfriend here. so, the question is: what will happen to randall and i? im not too worried about it. i know God's will is perfect and as long as i trust in that things will always work out for the better.

it'll be weird to be on my own. this summer is gonna change a lot of things. when i was 8 months old my first sibling was born. i've never really been on my own cept for that one year i stayed on campus. my family is moving. my sister is staying here, my other sister is moving to WA, my bro is in VA, my sister in law in FL, and my rents on the coast. and me? i dont know. where ever He leads me is where i'll be. i cant imaigine yet going alone. i dont even like the dark. i hate sleeping alone and i hate being the only one in a house. i need other people, even if i cant stand them, like my youngest sister. oh well. we'll see

i had nothing better to do @2:21 PM

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

i am planning the sleepover of the year!! so far our main attraction will be my friend Chris who has agreed to let us wax hs legs with Nad's; in return his only request is an invitation. James will also be providing the hair braiding. i have 32 shades of nail polish and each girl brings a mask. this is great. i love projects!

i had nothing better to do @3:53 PM

randall and i wore the same pants this morning. he has a pair of hospital pajama pants that are huge so while he was wearing them i stepped into the legs. alas, my booty was too big to pull them all the way up. as we were struggling to not fall over our chicken voila began to overcook on the stove. we tried to operate as a unit but everytime we tried to move a cojoined leg we'd fall over. time was running out. already the aroma of succulent garlic chicken had reached the bedroom. catching ourselves on the nightstand we disheartedly pulled the pajama pants down. and i came to this conclusion: if randall and i cant even work together in a pair of hospital pants, how will we ever function together as a happy couple in even more awkward situations?

no i didnt. actually i thought: man we have lots of fun!

im wearing a bandana on my head cause there was no time to shower before work. the last time i washed my hair was sunday. oh and to prove how my youngest sister and i really do have a bad relationship: i didnt know she had her first real boyfriend until they'd been dating for 3 months. i also just found out last weekend that she models as well as works in a japanese steak house. i think i know more about my sister in germany than i do about the one in the same city.

i had nothing better to do @2:20 PM

Monday, April 08, 2002

i am running on 3 hours of sleep. i have school, a Dr's appt, and work. it was really weird. we got dressed and left in a hurry to empty our accounts. when we got to his ATM the machine took his card and no buttons would work to get it back. it kept beeping and didnt register any of the button commands. he started to pound it and got mad that it ate his card. then i saidm God, please let randall's card come out" and the very moment that sentence ended, his card came out. we ended up getting the $300 from my bank. on the way there i was pissed. i knew i wouldnt be able to speak to this guy, no way. i had to get up out of bed and borrow money against my credit because he likes drugs. man, if id seen him right then id totally rip him. but the drive was about 30 min to get there and along the way we both prayed that the night would only speak God's words to him. when we got to the jail a policeman directed us in to the cashier where we posted his bail in cash. as we drove him home we got lost. we were lost for 30 min and during this time randall spoke to him about God's love and his law. when we found his apt we got down and talked until 5:45am or so. it was pretty powerful. if i wasnt speaking i was praying for God to speak through randall to show this guy what he needs.

i am so sleepy. i did no homework. i have 15 min to get ready for class. but hopefully my sleep was sacrificed that somewhere today a man is walking free in the streets and understanding that true freedom and peace comes from God. it was all Him. we couldnt even take money from the ATM, it was God that allowed that.

i had nothing better to do @10:44 AM

it's 2:40am. we're driving out to a far away town to post bail for someone. i had to take money from my credit card for it. im not so mad about that. but he's in trouble for drugs. i hate drugs and have little tolerance for those that take them and call at 2:30 am cause they're in jail.

i had nothing better to do @2:41 AM

both my stories were accepted! i went to the BME body mods site and submitted my two piercing stories. you can read about my hood piercing or my nipple piercings. now im getting all these emails from people who want to get pierced but have all sorts of questions about it which is really awesome. my weekend was cool. out til 4am on sat night hanging with my beau and 4 other guys. drank beers, played video games, watched SNL, and watched predator fish be fed little fishies. today we took my mommy out to eat and then bible study went really well. i really believe God is totally speaking through our group. each week the message is so totally revelant to whatever each of us is going through. ok, randall wants the computer now to watch Spaceballs.

i had nothing better to do @12:24 AM

Friday, April 05, 2002

made randall a website today. i still need to show him how to use HTML so he can finish it and change what he wants.

he was in my dream last night. we were at a strip club and i was gonna strip but before we could go in, he had to wait in line to be checked for STD's cause every male was checked upon entry for each visit. i think i was getting ready and into my outfit. i cant remember the rest now. i would be a bad stripper in real life. first of all, i have no balance and id have trouble not falling off my little stage into the audience. plus, i am weak. there's no way i would be able to support myself hanging on the pole. id crack my head and that's just not sexy. i also cant dance, um, without the aid of a drink.

15 more mintutes of work then i get to go make necklaces, whoo-hooo!

i had nothing better to do @3:15 PM

Thursday, April 04, 2002

around 2am randall took me to walmart so i could buy myself something. on tuesday i promised myself that i could have anything i wanted as long as i got through it. randall helped me pick out 5 shades of eyeshadow, a clay mask and an eyelash curler. i like girlie things. we also bought lotsa food. then i made him go away so i could shop for the anniversary this weekend. what i did, is sketch each member of his family in CO, mail them the sketches and a stamped, addresed, return envelope and wrote each of them a letter asking them to write a message to randall on the sketch. then i mounted them on mats and a black posterboard and had them all framed in one huge one. it was only $15 plus a few bucks in postage but i think he'll really like it. as i was looking for the materials i asked this woman about some stuff and she asked if i was an artist. she said i looked like an artist and she bet i had lots of fun. then i said, that's cool, cause God actually told me to be an artist. and she grabbed her arms and was like, "you're giving me chills!" so we talked about my story and God for a few minutes and then randall came over and she just kept smiling and talking. i love christians. REAL ones. not those pricks that persecute other sinners just cause they're gay or a pregnant teen. real christians knows it's about the love. i didnt see your email addy, gennie, but thank you so much that message. it made me smile and i think it's so awesome that you took the time to do that.

today i pick up my meds. um, they arent oral.

i had nothing better to do @6:36 PM

went in at 2:30pm and finally walked out at 6pm. during the actual procedure i fluttered in and out. i vaguely remember looking up at the monitor and actuallly seeing my insides. i saw the pictures they were taking of infected areas. twice i cried. i remember seeing a woman's face over me and i tried to turn away so she wouldnt see my face wet. i think it was out of pain. cause i remember not wanting them to know. i wanted them to stop but i just silently cried and went out again. the medicine was strong. when they first put it into my IV i started coughing cause it had already made it's way to my sinuses. however the most horrible part of the whole thing, was the day before. forcing myself to drink the 4 liters of medicine that tasted like spit. i threw it up twice. randall and i got into a fight cause i didnt want to drink the last liter. eventually he won and i did. i went 30 hours without eating. when i finally could eat i over did it and my stomach still hurts. there's more. but it's not worth talking about. i also have a bruise that is 9 inches long on my arm from the IV. it hurts.

so now i have a diagnosis and it is not cancer. they did a biopsy but i was so out of it i dont know about the results or anything like that. i have this disease that i will have for the rest of my life. there is medicine to supress the symtoms. they will come and go through out my life. but he was VERY suprised that i have had this for 6 years and the infected section is so small. he said that by ignoring it for so long, i could easily be at the point where they'd have to operate and remove almost all my digestive tract. good news- this thing is most likely not gonna grow since it hasnt already. praise God.

i had nothing better to do @3:33 AM

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

i have to drink this medicine. all of it. there are 4 liters of it. all in an hour and a half's time. it tastes like saltwater. nasty. i've got about a liter down already.

i had nothing better to do @4:35 PM

in less than 30 min i start the preparation for tomorrow. i dont wanna think about it. it's gonna take about a couple of hours. but i guess i gotta do it.im really hoping they dont find anything wrong tomorrow. but theyve already checked me out for routine things. like i said, there's a bigger possibility that it's an incurable disease or cancer at this point. but God has the ability to heal anything. if this is not the cup he wills me to drink from, he will allow the impossible. ive got people praying for me, the test, and my doctors, but most of my prayers have been for randall. i think this is harder for him. im ok so far. it either hasnt hit me yet or ive seriously got the greatest trust in God. i like the second theory. anyway, what's a little humility among friends, complete strangers, and people who read this blog that i have no idea about? they're looking for, among other things, colon cancer. cause my grandma and great-grandma had it and i have like all the symptmos. that's so embaressing. so maybe you've guessed what im doing tomorrow. im going to the endoscopy center. i didnt tell my work about it, but im sure they'll find out. one person finds out and the gossip spreads like the plague. they're like that. i have this huge plastic container that i picked up today full of powder. you add water to make this mix. you take it and within a couple of hours your entire body is cleansed. and you know what that means. then i have to fast for 24 hours. that will be hard. i treated myself to my fave food for lunch. heck it may be bad for me, but it wont be with me long anyway. i hate this. i dont wanna do it.

*sigh* i just came back from the therapist. ive been so productive and concerned with other things there's like nothing to talk about. i asked some questions about jealousy and insecurity though cause ive been wondering about them. people think that just cause you suffered abuse that you're screwed. but i feel fine. so what i say. yeah, i lost my virginity when i was 7, but i dont cry about it anymore. i just stopped being so emotinal about it. maybe i repressed it again. but maybe im just over it.

i've got 15 min to go before "prep" begins. i really dont want to do this.

i had nothing better to do @3:45 PM

Monday, April 01, 2002

last night (this morning at 2am) just as i sit down to eat my nice pan of mushroom rice, james sends me a link to ratemypoop.com. ew!! people take pictures of their defacatory eliminations while still residing in their recipricatory porcelein bowls. the most disgusting part of it is- they are just pics of poop. MEANING these people went poopy and then stood up without wiping to take th pics. these pictures represent a moment where someone was standing, staring at their poopy with their pants around their ankles and dirty bums. i think i will puke.

first class of the day and i've already been assigned 9 chapters to read by wednesday! whoo-hoo! i know i've said this every quarter for the past 5 years but THIS QUARTER i will do ALL my homework, i will STUDY, and i will NOT procrastinate! although my past record would show that sprouting flying monkies with cell phones out me arse is way more likely than following through with this resolution, you just wait. im gonna be SUCH a good student this time. and upon graduation i will enter surgery to have those damned dirty cell-phone monkeys removed.

ooh, i talked to randall's family last night (2am-ish) i think they like me, wheeee!

i had nothing better to do @3:23 PM

i love easter. it's a million times better than christmas even. yeah, a virgin may have given birth, but yesterday the Son of God and of Man rose from the dead and opened the gates of heaven to millions of believers. even though i only had 4 hours of sleep and i was literally dragged from bed for the early church service, i loved it. during the worship music a well-known local rapper jumped onto the stage and started rapping to our praises. it was really cool. the drama, dance, skits, music, message...it was all really awesome.

school starts today. these are my last two classes for this degree. wow. then tomorrow is when i start preparation for my doctor's appointment on wed. ugh.

i had nothing better to do @12:34 AM