yesterday all i did was sleep. there's so much i need to do with only 2 weeks left of the quarter but i only slept. today i counted off hours (1hr 45min to go) til i would be able to go home. all i want to do is curl under a blanket and fall asleep. im not tired cause i haven't even done anything. i feel i need to learn something tonight. it's not my lazyness that is bringing on a sense of urgency but rather this feeling that i've pushed God away- that i've allowed myself to forget about his power and promise. He spoke to me last week many times. He told me about my jealously and my insecure heart. He brought out these things hidden so deep within that i didn't even know they existed. today he showed me a friend and his heart. so tonight i want to hold my bible and pray for something to come to me. not just to be shown more of these problems, but a solution. i want to defeat depression, lazyness, lust, and all these things that are keeping myself and those around me from living more pure and happy lives. I want to remember that i can do nothing. today i realized how in-debt i am. i realized how far behind i am in school. i realized how ive brought doubt into a relationship. ive realized im weak and incapable of anything. and that's it. i am. but it's not up to me to be strong. thats God part and i just havent been letting him take these things from me. ive gotten myself into this hole i see no way out of but i know that it is in times of greatest desperation that his miracles shine even greater. Now that i think about it, this is exactly what i learned about at the last church service i attended. wow. God is miraculous. I'm glad im on his side.
i had nothing better to do @9:18 PM
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
i am afraid of the dark.
yes, you read that right. if i am alone and the lights are out, i will pull the covers over my head no matter how hard it is to breathe and no matter how hot i may be. whenever randall comes in and im asleep, the lights are always on. i don't like being alone in the dark at all.
i like being craddled, too. i love being taken into someone's arms and rocked. the only people that do this for me are my boyfriend and my grandma, huita. even though im 22 huita will still let me crawl into her lap and fall asleep with her arms around me as she sings some old song in spanish. i love that.
i like jumping on the bed with my hair loose. i don't like loud noises. when i vaccum or use a blender, i always hold my ears. i don't like scary movies. the last time i saw one i was all alone at home when my friends left and i slept with every light on, my door locked, the radio up, and our two cats and dog in my room.
i think i can be very much like a child still. so when's that growing up part supposed to happen?
i had nothing better to do @7:05 PM
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
so for the first time ever, i had this mid-fight epiphany this morning. while have a "discussion" with randall, i saw why i was really upset. i was saying something about patience cause he was really wanting this expensive MV digital camcorder thing. and i was listing all this stuff he's bought recently and all the stuff hes always talking about that he wants....and i stopped. and without even thinking (cause if i had i would not have gone through with it; i NEVER admit im wrong) (of course, i rarely am) i said. "and im jealous". and that part came out of nowhere. i thought about it. randall makes more than i do. all my clothes are from clearance racks or Goodwill. i always order water cause it's free, i have long hair cause i can't afford to even cut it. im in debt because of school. i never throw food away, i buy generic most of the time. i've gone without health insurance even though i really needed medicine. and i was jealous that he didn't worry about these things. and i was trying to make him feel guilty for
being so blessed. sheesh. this is the first time i have ever found some kind of underlying meaning to me being upset. i thought it was because he was greedy, but it was because i was. how ironic was that? so im thinking on that for now. trying to see what i can do about it. and of course i explained myself to him and he was ok and we're good now.
im learning a lot by being with him. and that's what ive prayed for. it almost sucks though cause it involves a lot of humility. ugh. being shown how wrong i am and all that. it makes you feel like you're a child always being scolded by a parent, too. but i think that's because im stubborn and prideful. so it's like taking a broken bone and forcing it into the new direction it should be growing. hurts that much.
i wanna talk about something better now. thurs morning my plane leaves!! i've got a bathing suit i love, lots of sun (hopefully no rain) waiting for me, and i hear they make lovely strawberry daquirirs there, ohh la la! im so glad im going with randall.
i had nothing better to do @1:45 PM
i got three hours of sleep last night because we stayed up making hemp necklaces. i love making things and being creative. i think another reason we stayed up doing that is because God is answering a very specific prayer and i know it's Him cause he always answers this prayer this way. God is cool.
i have a Dr appt tomorrow. blech. it's some kind of counselor or something. i think im fine, but at the same time i see where these things have affected my life. so im gonna go. and then thurs i leave for the beach, yeah!! and not a United States beach either, did i mention that?
i had nothing better to do @11:13 AM
Monday, February 18, 2002
my weekend...hmmm....i cant remember a lot of it. i went somewhere. i can't remember where. oh, friday night i had dinner with a great friend then at 12:30am went to a party and a saw someone use a bong for the first time ever. whoop-dee-doo my life is so complete now. i still don't understand people and their addictions. oh well. after that randall and i drove into my town where we prayed for an hour at church for the congregation, pastor, and the new building. then we went to my house. um...sunday we went to the Korean church cause we overslept for all the other churches. it was lots of fun. people there always remeber me and invite me to eat with them. i think it's my favorite congregation of all. that night i had a leadership event to attend to which was pretty fun. i thought i had a lot to say, but i guess not. i've got half my taxes done (getting back $330 so far!!), have been eating a LOT (it's a good thing i'll be wearing a bathing suit this week, no wait), there's only 2 days left til i leave to the beach, and i bought a bunch of hemp today so i can learn to do that.
this week i might start getting my page ready to go up. all i have left to do is put some pics up, buy a PO Box, and then get customers to visit.
i had nothing better to do @4:56 PM
Thursday, February 14, 2002
im in my bathing suit right now. i love it.
our "romantic" dinner was the best a non cooking girl could do. noodles with margerine and garlic salt. and a can of soda. but with the lights turned low and the many candles, it LOOKED nice. i also made him a blanket that only took like an hour to sew. we had sort of a fight earlier and on the phone i was a bit apathetic. it was partly due to me being so sleepy, but i felt bad. i wrote out a whole page of reasons why i love him. in case i don't say it, he'll know it's true.
we looked at shoes today and he said hes getting me a pair when i get my nose pierced which will prolly be tomorrow or sat
=) i love him. im happy to be with him.
i had nothing better to do @9:27 PM
Tuesday, February 12, 2002
if i start my period while on the trip, i will be more than pissed. so im trying to think of a plan to prevent this, hmmmm......
i wore my bathing suit yesterday. with the tags still on. i really like it. i thought getting it would be hard cause girls are supposed to be like that, but i walked into the dressing room of the first store with 2 and found one i love. easy as pie. it's black, but it's not padded or anything, so it looks like i have 4 nipples because of the jewelry. ever since i started using the sea salt, they've been healing really well. you can, like, tug on them (um, not too hard though) and they won't even hurt. i think im ready for my nose piercing now. =)
oh, i also see i still have a problem with jealousy when it comes to boyfriends. um, i will be working on this. i also had to make a deal with someone that i would not have any more sugar (since i spent all of last night crying and flipping around in bed in such horrible pain from a lot of sugar- this was also done in my new bathing suit) and i have to see a psychologist, too. that second part is actually written out in a contract and sealed with a pinky swear so i can't back out.
im so happy my headache is gone that i don't even care that i have so much homework still to do today. i was really creative last night in trying to find a cure. i heard from james that you can rub your hands together til they're warm then place your right hand on your forehead palm down with your left one perpendicular making a cross. did not work. i washed my face with warm water, massaged my head (which teased out my hair), hit my head (im not sure why i thought this would work), and then remembered peripheral vasal contraction. basically, the blood vessels expanded to touch surrounding nerves causing pain, so i figure all i gotta do is pull the blood away from my head and direct it somewhere else. um, this did not work either and i will not go into details. i took 2 different meds and somehow fell asleep. i hate sugar.
i had nothing better to do @10:46 AM
i wanted to get randall his fave flower for v-day, but i can't find it anywhere. i would have to visit a florist cause it's nowhere online. all im finding here are roses (which he hates) and $60 arrangements of sunflowers (me is poor). i don't really like flowers anyway. i think it's because the only time i really ever got them was when someone was apologizing for something. after spending all day locked in my room crying, i would finally come out and find flowers. he didn't say im sorry, just made sure there were flowers afterward.
flowers are "im sorry" not "i love you". so maybe i'll find some other stuff to get him. i've already got a whole page of sketches of stuff i wanna make him.
i had nothing better to do @9:19 AM
Thursday, February 07, 2002
im going to kent state this weekend. im excited about having my own apartment, taking nothing but art classes, and finanlly doing what God wants me to. when i look at the school this weekend, i hope i like it. i'll be living there prolly as soon as this summer.
i don't like the possibility of being without randall. i find that too often things out of my reach can fade from my life. i havent had good expereinces with long distance relationships. a good one needs touch- hugs, kisses, being held...how can i keep an intimate bond without that? i want to share in more than the big things and news. i like being there to see if his apartment is clean (no), to know how church went, how his friends are doing, to know how many days it's been since he's showered (6). im gonna lose that.
the last (and only) l/d relationship i had was freshman year of college. he was a jerk. he lied so much niether one of us will ever have the truth of everything that went on. he made me so paranoid. untrusting with anyone id date from then on. even with randall. i have to stop myself fairly often to remind my thoughts that she's just a friend, he loves me, he just went to the store....that the plans i secretly accuse him of making aren't real. in my absence, my ex found others to fulfill his needs. and without me there, what's the point of randall even dating me? we'll share a few conversations a week but that's it. ugh, i didn't want to write anything so horrible. i hate this train of thought. maybe he'll go with me, maybe i wont go, maybe we'll be with other people by then. im dropping this sequence and moving on to the next.
in a couple of weeks we're going to the grand caymen islands which is really cool. i haven't shaved my thighs in months, though, and wonder if i should...i love traveling with him. canada was fun. there's a lot in him that i want in whoever i end up with. i don't know if i'll ever find this combination in anyone else. his love for speaking and learning spanish is awesome. i need someone that can speak it. studying my culture has really put that desire in me. i love that he sews. i love that ive seen him become very artistic since being with me. creation is a wonderful gift. i love the way he dresses- he doesn't care, but he still has a taste for style- an impossible joining of two contradictions but i love it. all my other b/f's either didn't care at all, or wouldn't leave the house without 20 min of prepping. i love his patience and caring for me and others. my last boyfriend was almost perfect. i knew it. the only thing he lacked was a developed passion for God. he didn't have to memorize the bible or be holy- he just needed that drive to know more about his faith. towards the end of the relationship i had given up on that. figuring it would eventually come or i really didn't need it. i thought i would marry him. that lacking was the only thing keeping him from being perfect, but no one could possibly be perfect, right?
and then we broke up. and i was devasted. i cried for hours at night. i exhausted myself on tears to the point that i literaly could not move; only lay in bed with my thoughts racing and keeping sleep off. then one day i was better. i realized God needed me somewhere else, with someone else. and i was happy. i had joy. then randall came to me. there was no way someone so awesome could really like me so i put off giving him a decision for weeks. giving him time to back out. there was no way he'd want to be with me once he knew how i really was. but he still did.
with every b/f since high school, i had planned on marriage. and it didn't happen. and so im not considering it at all with randall. i love him, i think he's so cute, beautiful, and wonderful but im not setting myself up to be hurt again. thats why i told myself for months that i wouldn't love him and that he would not love me. i knew about his past and i wasn't going to be one of those stupid girls that loves him and then only gets broken up with never having that passion returned. eventually i learned that i could not control that and love is a gift from God. so i loved him, still knowing i would never be loved back. until he did. i was in absolute shock.
i graduate in 4 months (hopefully) and then many things will change. my family will be splitting once again. there's some force, some spinning power of change that slowly throws us farther apart. my sister in germany, bro in VA, family in TX, me going to a new school, and even my parents and other sister will be taken into this wind this time. i wonder about my life and what things will look like once the airs have calmed. i wonder where i will be dropped off. and i wonder where he will be after all this.
i had nothing better to do @7:42 PM
Wednesday, February 06, 2002
i did all i could. prayer, counseling, promises, and in the end i just called 911. they were no help. i called anyone i could after that. i got someone to her house and they talked to her. i love her so much, i don't know what i would do if she had killed herself. id feel like i failed. like i was weak. cause im not supposed to be. im supposed to be strong- stronger than everyone else. in the contracts we made up for each other, she promises to come to me in her depression if i start seeing a doctor again. to talk to that person about the abuse- physical and sexual. about all that stupid stuff. about my dissociation. ugh. but im gonna do it for her. im gonna call up my old doctor who i stopped seeing last year for no reason before my treatment was complete. and i'll finish it finally because id rather admit to my brokeness that lose a precious person like her on this earth.
im exhausted on tears. tonight and last night. exhausted on caring but not to the point that i could stop. nothing really matters anyway. school, work, money, clothes are all just things that keep us busy and have no real meaning. i see that now. who cares about them when bigger things are going on? im alive, healthy enough, and loved. that's all i need. i can't wait to get my nose pierced.
i had nothing better to do @10:56 PM
Tuesday, February 05, 2002
looked at apartments online to get an idea of what i'll be paying. the rent's not too bad, but im in such debt already. i won't have a car and i'll have tuition to pay. that sucks. i'll probably need a loan or something, but i can't apply for financial aid yet cause ive lost some of my W-2's =(
oh well. i wish i could get a really good job that would pay me a lot and that didn't involve being naked. then id pay off my stupid bills and start saving for school next fall. money is so stupid.
i had nothing better to do @5:36 PM
randall has dreads now =)
his best friend and i started on sat. night and it took 6 hours to finish. his first dread is ''Happy'' and was born on Feb. 2nd. He's 3.6 inches long
i had nothing better to do @2:02 PM
envy sucks. now i have to learn to use this i had nothing better to do @1:48 PM